Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
T appointment.....just as the universe pointed to a recurring situation bringing up BIG energy for me. This energy, drawing my attention back, again and again, with anger and overwhelm.
The careless people littering the trails, my yard and other ppl's yards with dog mess.
Once, I accepted, we were doing parts work, I just surrendered, but it felt different this time.
How did I not see it coming? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I dread it. Today we moved through it quickly.....the part is 11yo....she was in a different place ....I haven't thought about in years. Obvious, yet surprising, thing came up, over and over. Careless people....careless adults/parents in my life. Their judgement and snark internalized. The disparity between warring divorcing parents' housekeeping styles and children left on their own, emotionally......no oxygen for their needs.
When I went to take the part, to my tomato garden with bonfire.....I faced the part, then we turned our heads toward DD22.....grief stricken over similar parts work the part and I want for DD.
T snapped me out of that and we completed the processing .....
Find where the energy lives in the parts body.....a strapped squeezy feel across the ribs
How to transform it? Fire? Yes.
The energy transferred easily from torso to fire......lighted static with dark and light parts ...then a thin beam of white light rose from the fire, upwards.....pure and clean.
The 11yo part wanted to play and dance.....dance and be airborne. T said she had a feeling of rising......of balloons and play.
Feeling responsible for everything and everyone came up.
The unknowns involved in the renovation, moving DD24 and her beaux into this space....noticing the intentional, and relatively peaceful all female space....soon to have male energy, which has not always felt or been safe, since birth, with a loud, judgmental golden child as father.
Not much room for children's needs or safety.....parents didn't know how,cif they knew better.
Asked part how she felt....and a pain, left side, top of head, poked my brain, then drew tension across top of entire head.
T said headaches supposedly mean we aren't allowing ourselves to be wrong? Was that it? Right? Will ask.
Feeling exhausted. Both girls still recovering from Strep. DD24 missed first day back at school. She's on third day of antibiotics, so is in class today.
Played two hands?, of 3 person Mahjong, with DD24 last night.
It was a mechanical shift out of two COWs...the dog mess and a problem at Cottage.
I put both, on the shelf, and put happy music on ....danced.....sang with the girls.....played.
T said survival brain has 5 negative receptors? 2 positive ....play and comfort/being comforted. Makes huge sense, how I find myself humming, and dancing to get out of survival mode.
There's a feeling of spaciousness, I'm noticing now. Of more distance and extended POV.....
Nose off the pebble, yup yup yup.
Lighter
lighter:
Trying to set my Reticular Activating System (RAS) to positive/intentional and productive setting every morning.
Doing my best to reinforce throughout the day.
I gott a say.....it makes my brain feel heavy and......foggy.
The upswing is...... it's easier to drop the small stuff (like hot potatoes), without hesitation. It emotionally feels like dropping weights, allowing thoughts to auto-rise above the tediously unproductive stuff, IME.
It's another calibration. Some new calibrations stick. Some slip away and come back'round, I notice.
A disciplined mind isn't equal to evolving "positive" coping strategies....working, cleaning, working out, as distraction, IME.
Eventually, distractions, whatever they are, can't keep all the parts quiet and out of the way, I assume.
And..... yesterday was interesting, in that I so felt ok with upset over neighbors littering and leaving dog mess for others to clean.
T gently turned me'round to see the layering of old activated energy onto present moments, again and again.
Unnecessary suffering, and upset, attached to a part asking to be tended to, over and over. It's getting easier, but changing. I didn't feel urgency to save my siblings too, this time. It shifted toDD22, but understandable. A good T keeps things moving, IME.
When checking in with parts becomes habit. When dropping into the body...locating the stress......asking the questions and moving through processing the trauma becomes habit......I wonder how that will feel in my body.
The last thing T asked yesterday was....
"Do you see the things you can do, in place of the struggling you've processed?"
Paraphrasing here, but I was overwhelmed with it yesterday.....felt some pain in me'brain pan, I did.
Today, it's on my mind....and I feel the sharp pain, left side, top of head, with that thought....again. I wonder why that thought is painful?
Assuming it's attached to putting down old ways of being in the world. Maybe parts struggle with change....with judging old ways as bad and wrong, when it can just be different. Maybe.
Co-dependency feels like roots, growing through your my very being. In every direction.
Heck, modeling something different, for the young people, is as motivating as suffering less, not gonna lie.
Surrendering to that truth is spiritually painful .... I'll resist judging it....will let it be what it's been without struggling or feeling overwhelm.
It feels like finding a small area on a very large map. Easy to lose focus that tiny dot. Easy to lose that pinpoint, but it's where the rescue takes place, IME. It's really important ...maybe everything, right now.
Not sure how to put my finger on it, then do everything I've pretty much done, mindlessly, like plan a renovation, plant in the yard and keep laundry, food and vehicles ticking along.
Feels like my finger on the map requires different parts of my brain to perform tasks, quieting or turning off the parts usually jumping in to perform and DO.
That's.....a little bit.... terrifying, if I'm being honest, but it's me resisting.....me refusing to embrace comfortable coping strategies, in favor of doing new work/building new pathways stronger......feels like.
I trust it will be positive and lead to more changes....once in place.
But, to build them sturdy....it burns so much energy to do! Requires bandwidth and return to focus, again and again....all day long.
It's replacing the exhilarating burst of productive energy, I'm used to running on.
It feels like.....
loss .....
and being a little lost in familiar places.
Ya. That.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I'm sorry, Lighter. I hear the current struggle and pain.
I don't relate quite to how you have nonstop dialogue with your body about all the sensory parts of processing (which is why I have a lard body and you're renovating!). But I admire it and it's interesting to follow.
I understand that relationships feel scary sometimes as you deal with your reactions to them. Wanting above all to conduct yours in a healthy way and observe without judgement when you feel that slipping. Am I following well?
Have faith in yourself. You and your T clearly do intensive and delicate work together to help you keep healing. And you never waste an insight about what's working for you and when it's not.
I wonder how it might feel if you let yourself bobble and float in new waves, while trusting that you will find your balance. Some stillness and simple peace coming your way soon, I hope.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hi, Hops: I think I responded, to you his post, on another thread. I'm rushed this morning, but appreciate your thoughts.
Lighter
lighter:
Oh, joyful cadence of the zone.
Darn it.
Trying to hold my finger on the pinpoint... but shifting into auto do do do....feels like I should be doing something else.
Creates pain....top left top of head.
:: forgetting exactly what my finger's in, cabs what::.
And THAT'S how it happens folks.
::,putting productivity on the shelf::.
Oh .....ya.
Mindfulness. Discernment. Choice restored. Turning away from default settings and reactivity.
Turning, back towards,cegat I want more of, again and again.
It's a loop ......will it get smaller and tighter, or wider and looser, till it's just space? Mostly discernment and responsiveness?
Hopefully, Contractor will be here, so I've cleaned the oven, and will try to figure out mother board removal for oven settings. If I can't, I'll ask him for help.
I need tools to take apart bed upstairs, and mount headboard to the wall.
Need to clean out down bath cabinets....maybe today.
::breathing.....focusing on what I want::.
Would rather have sunny access to outdoor shower than new vanity.
Would rather have light green glass tile shower tiles, but will use huge grey stone looking tiles, if I have enough.
Will purchase LVP flooring this contractor prefers......
need to ask who he used for glass shower doors and countertops.
Considering replacing one 2' sink base with a less deep storage cabinet to the ceiling, so door access less cramped.
Th th th th that's all, for now, folks.
Lighter
Lighter
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