Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
My tooth feels about normal. No pain for 3 days. What an odd experience. One second you're sure you snapped a tooth off at the root, and the next you're googling tooth pain and reading about teeth having ligaments that get sprained and bruised... just very odd.
And painful.
And my lower molar, on the opposite side from the sprain, is a little sore now from chewing in a compromised position..... I automatically chew oddly, and compensate to keep sprained tooth from clacking the tooth below. That never goes well, IME. Something's always thrown out of whack when compensation happens.
I'm ready to start chewing normally.
Baby girl pug is limping intermittently... her right front paw/leg.... something was bugging her, then not, then bugging her, then not. I suspect it COULD be her training us to give her almond butter on demand. I can't be sure. We drop her at the Vet in the morning, and hope she shows them what we're talking about, bc she wasn't limping when she went to bed and I didn't get any video, though I tried. I'm focused on giving oldest dd space to be the pug parent. Not me. I'm... just the Grandma. Who made the vet appointment for the morning. After threatening to "take my Karen business elsewhere" when the appointment maker said it would be days before they could see the pug, and I had a bit of a meltdown..... not HUGE, but manic and I justified it, in my mind, bc my first job was making appointments in a doctors office... for people. We left problem visit appointments open daily for regular patients. There should be time left in their schedule for problems like this, and I'm noticing I'm not upset..... I burned it all off earlier in the day. And got my way. There's only slight shame there. The pug was limping badly when I made that call, btw. She makes little kitten noises when she's in pain. You'd have made the call too... I think. Just pitiful. She's not limping now. Maybe she'll be limping in the morning, but I HAVE to turn over the pug's care to dd. It's an imperative. Good for us both, and the Pug will get through it.
The first real rental of the Cottage happens on the 3rd. I'm refusing to what if myself into anxiety over the things I can't control, but can see being a problem. This couple is young and fit... like bull.
I'm going to hope things go well, and KNOW the beach looks great... I hear the sand is back. They can swim, so less chance of drowning if the turn the kayaks over.... I didn't get a chance to bring flotation devices. They'll likely blow fuses in the kitchen, but they can figure that out..... if I can, they can. At least I didn't lock the box in the basement where they can't reach it, which is what the last airbnb did to me, out of the country. The second electric panel is outside, up high, where they'll need a ladder to reach it. What could go wrong? He owns his own car repair business. He'll drag a chair out and overcome.
What else? Oh. We have travel coming up, a birthday for one of my daughters, I see a fancy tea party coming up, and the stone for my father's grave.... errrrr.... general area of his ashes.... arrived. It looks good. I had this irrational fear it would show up with misspelled words and the wrong dates. It's fine.
The cemetery people don't work past 3pm, but we can show up and request they deal with it... they need about a day in advance notice. They also need 120.00 to place it, I assume there's cement involved so it doesn't sink into the earth or catch the mower blade. I'll admit it here, bc I was worrying about it for a while, while my sibs AREN'T worrying.....
we buried Dad's ashes with my Grandparents. Did I tell you guys that? And we did it without asking the cemetery folks for permission.... and we chose the head of the grave, not the foot of the grave, which I don't understand. The cemetery buries ashes as the foot of the grave, not sure why, bc it's counterintuitive TO ME. Not right. Honoring Dad's wishes seemed important at the time.
So, I have choices. I can tell the cemetery on US, dig up the urn, and have them bury him proper, at the foot of the grave, for another 120.00. I don't care about the money, it's more the telling on ourselves.... the sneaking was somewhat cathartic for about half the group. One of my cousins brought a Hosta... I'm sure I told you guys.
We could leave Dad where he is, hand the cemetery a box with some dirt and treasure map to the real urn and have the box buried instead of the ashes. Com pli cated.
Hmmm.... maybe they'll plant the stone, even if they don't have ashes to bury? I'll see. It's odd to speak to people who sound like your long lost Grandparents, IME. Like falling into a dream... feeling drowsy... anything can happen. Maybe the Grandparents will show up, and we'll have a picnic on the farm, under the big oak trees that let me know we arrived when i was a child.
I look forward to being in that cemetery. It's comforting. My Grandparents lived in a little white house just at the edge of it, for years. I enjoyed spending time with my Grandmother there... and my sister and cousins remember it fondly too.
Again, I'm bringing Dad's little cowboy boots and fancy Western gun holster for a little graveside ceremony and lunch. Think green and red and ivory and big flashy sparkly stones. Very fancy. I plan to put vases of flowers in his boots.... white flowers, and something fitting into the holsters. Not sure what yet. Maybe flatware in napkins. My Grandpa was sort of a cowboy.... had quarter horses, and rode them in parades... Dad rode... had cowboy hats and cowboy clothes, as did the grandkids, us. Little black and white cow spotted chaps, and matching hats... very cute. Time on their farm was amazing for us.
I was shocked when Dad said he wanted to be buried with his parents, particularly bc there wasn;t any room for him there.
I want to honor the farm, and my Dad and Grandparents. The horses. The cows maybe. The 50's era, Roy Rogers time it was. The Grandparents were square dancers. Yup yup yup. I ended up putting a Roy Rogers quote on Dad's stone, btw. It didn't seem right not to. I would have quoted Audie Murphie, but all his quotes were too long.
I must sleep now.
:: shutting computer with all it's decorating ideas for horseshoe cupcakes and cowboy boot flower vases::
There's a lot.
If we don't all end up in photos wearing cheap little cowboy hats, kerchiefs and creatively placed cowboy mustaches.... I'll be surprised. Our very best family reunion was a pirate party. Mustaches are amazingly fun props. I highly recommend. They make great goatees and eyebrows too.
Did I mention we aren't traditional about funerals and memorial services? Turns out... we aren't. At least my sister and I aren't. I think my brother might have been.... maybe? Not sure. Going to sleep now. Again.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Aw, Lighter, I love the sound of a cowboy themed picnic with all the family there, past and present! I think celebrations of life are so lovely. I hate funerals, absolutely hate them, but I love wakes. At the funeral you can only focus on what you lost. It's around you, everywhere you look, every breath you take in. But wakes - do you call them wakes there? When you all get together after the service? That's when everyone tells the funny stories and the 'do you remember' and all those old tales, often embellished and with any unpleasantness ironed out, but that's alright on the day. I think it sounds lovely to be together at their grave side like that.
I've no advice about the ashes - personal to you, I think. Here they will lay a stone without burying anything so maybe you don't need to do anything anyway. But you will all figure it out between you.
Poor pug! Intermittent problems are hard, they never seem to show what the problem is at the vet but hopefully the vet will be able to feel or see what's wrong even if it seems fine at the time. Sometimes you do need to be assertive. We always have emergency appointments put by here - everywhere does, as far as I know. Maybe they were just having a bit of a bad day or had some bigger appointments scheduled in for more complex things. But you've got in, that's that main thing, so hopefully they can help.
And your poor tooth! Any idea how it got sprained? I'd never heard of that either. But glad it's getting better now.
And then going back to the post before that one :) I think the shame needs to go, Lighter, and leave you quiet. I remember reading about abuse and shame, something about how often we trivialise our own experiences - so and so had it worse, at least I had x, I didn't end up in hospital, etc, etc. It's all trauma and we all have it. No-one's is less or more, we each have our own experience to deal with. I had my dad, albeit for a short time. I got my freedom early on by leaving home at a relatively young age and I went to University and my goodness, what a ride that was. There was lots of good stuff. So yep, bye bye shame! Lighter doesn't need you around :)
I think you're right about making peace with it. My mum did what she could, and in some ways she was great - meals on the table, house was clean, we had clothes, we got presents on birthday and Christmas. I knew kids that didn't get those things. I think, essentially, she's controlled by an abusive man and she manages how that feels by (trying to) control her kids and the way people see her. She relinquished control of her own life so she compensates by trying to micromanage other people's. That's how I see it anyway. She still causes my sister a lot of problems but my sister doesn't have to keep in contact with her, she can cut off like I did. So I don't let my head go there about that situation. It just makes me relieved I got out when I did.
And yes, firm assertion. I think it's part of my anti-man head I've got on at the moment. I've struggled to look back and think of a bloke who has done anything other than exactly what he likes. I've got one or two examples in my mind but that's about all. That's troubling me a lot and I don't know why. But we're not going out anyway so I won't have to deal with it for a good long while. Lol.
Thanks, Lighter. I'm glad you've got the picnic organised and are able to let go of what happens at the beach house now. xx
lighter:
Lots of processing today with T.
We worked on, guess what?
The brain surgery situation, and that lead to all the stuff underneath it and on top of it and it's a whole big deal we've scheduled to work on next we meet.
There was some EMDR.... which was really hard on my little phone, and this time she had be breath into every cell in my body.... with light. More space than matter in our cells..... the lights getting brighter with each finger wave..... and that happened twice. The pain, around my heart, went from 7 down to 3 down to zero, and we have a large session around it coming up soon.
I like taking notes right after, so that's one good thing about meeting over the internet. I had hoped we could meet in her garden, or garden, but face to face.
Tupp... thanks for the info about planting a stone with nothing underneath. I'm going with that as PLAN A. Don't ask, don't gets, so I'll ask. Seems simple now.
Pug might have a neck problem, which can show up as problems with mobility in the front legs. Pug had no symptoms AND her neck has so much chub on it, Vet couldn't tell. She, the Vet, said to go in when symptoms appeared again, so that was just before T session, but went anyway. And.... no symptoms when we GOT OUT of the car, so, raced to make appt and will try again.
MAYBE the Pug was looking almond butter and got a car ride instead? If so, the car ride, which she hates, should train her OUT of that behavior, IMO. Hopefully.
'
About the tooth ligament... it's easy to google. Look it up. It'll be there, alright. I cut the rind off my ham now. That's what I bit down on that torqued the tooth..... it wasn't good.
Neighbor is coming by to show me chiropractic moves for Pug's neck, in case it's the neck. His dog suffered with problems for years, so he told me what to buy to support joints and cartldg, etc.
::sigh::.
Very tired now. This Pug pain has created some faintness and feelings of being unwell. If she started screaming I'd have to put my head between my knees to keep going, but I'd keep going.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter,
I really sympathize with your struggle over the right answer to burial options. I hope you happen onto something that feels right and sufficient to you.
I am not much help because I'm completely unhooked from ritual, symbolic or sentimental things about families. Makes sense, since I have none. But I think a long time ago I began to see biology as accidental, and endless involuntary biofamily obligation (under pressure to make it LOOK "right" or "good") as poison.
I know all that came from 10 years serving Nmom, and ruthless attack by SocioNbro, and current state (likely permanent) of estrangement with D.
Biofamily illusions and symbolism just blew up into a million tiny particles that I let go into the universe. It can handle them in case it matters; I have let them go. It healed something.
BUT. My Dad's the exception. His grave (mausoleum ashes spot) is 10 minutes away and I never, ever visit it (nor feel guilty about that). Nor Nmom's with him. Why? He's still here--in his old shirt I sometimes wear, in my prayer-chats with him now and then. My memory of his gentle soul. Those are all very present and to be honest, I just don't care what the future thinks of me and my duty. I haven't lost him. Even enjoy a few positive moments with Nmom in my head now and then...her librarian side, some early stuff.
When I'm gone, I'm gone. And I don't want anyone, ever, to feel they need to haul their aging or busy bones somewhere to "prove" (to whom? I'm FIIIIINE) that they loved me. If they did, they did. I'm confident I'll be remembered for a while by enough folks. Even if I weren't, my life had meaning anyway. I don't need anything public or permanent.
I did buy three spaces (plaques on a pretty brick wall, and the option to have ashes interred or sprinkled in the grassy center) at the church Memorial Garden. One was for my first hub, D's father (not his ashes, but the memorial plaque) -- we'd had a small memorial service there -- just D, me, her stepMom, and the minister. Another is for me. The third is for D should she ever wish to be there with both parents. (She probably won't but I wanted to leave that option for her.)
Actually took M by there the other day, he was curious. Showed him the names of old friends, plus first hub. He liked it. It's very simple but peaceful. Nice place to sit and think. He seemed attracted to the place. We couldn't get in to show him the sanctuary (shut for covid) but he enjoyed the visit.
Anyway, I am sad to think of how much anguish all that decision-making has cost you.
You don't deserve it. He is fine. You owe nobody anything about your grief. It belongs to you.
love
Hops
lighter:
I have some closure on the burial/grave marker questions and final choices.
I'm struggling over the other stuff... my father's caretaker.... Dad's choices.... her choices.... my choices, and who was responsible for what.
Caretaker returning from out of the Country today, so working with my T is truly timely. I wish I'd done it sooner, but alas, this is how it was supposed to be.
I've worked through an aspect of the puzzle regarding more modern, satellite issues... but not the 20 year old stuff.
I don't know how to determine ownership of self-care and caring for others....
when it's overstepping, to do so. And that's the thing.... NEEEDING someone else to be OK, to feel OK myself, is codependence. But where it ties into my life, my hours, my relationships.....trying to save someone else can be tied into saving myself too, IME. In my opinion.
I'm discerning the edges of that puzzle. Maybe it will just process, and get filed where I don't need to access and figure it out.
I'm curious how it resolves. I'm sure it will be resolved.
In the meantime, my Cousin's HS aged dd is seeking to extend a TRO against an ex bf who's been stalking her, assaulting her, threatening her. DD is on the spectrum and can't discern the difference between an empty or deadly threat... shooting her in the head when he has access to many guns and ability to use them.
I was reminded... no one can, honestly, tell the difference. There are indicators, but... we're pretty much on our own. You don't know till something happens or doesn't happen, and the police are quick with the yellow tape, but profoundly helpless when it comes to being proactive in these matters, IME. Being proactive, and pristine in reporting every failure to comply with Orders is mandatory, IME.
This...
Wait till you're dead, then call us... pattern of dealing with threats.....
that's pretty much been my experience. Not a good strategy, and it makes life really painful. I can't imagine what my Cousin's dd is going through, but it looks and acts like PTSD, IME.
I read through her paperwork and saw the same mistakes I made, and all the things people DO when they're speaking from the limbic system. It was interesting to SEE it with distance... nose off all my pebbles, and pull it apart, then put it back together in a coherent manner that "squares up" for the Court officers, who don't often read more than a couple sentences into any paragraph. You have to talk about the big things, and bounce on, without getting sidetracked down rabbit holes that drag you IN.... so powerfully, IME.
Tailor the information according to your evidence, and your specific Judge's world view. Have everything handy, even if you don';t think you'll need it in court, just in case the Judge turns out to care about that, and not what you thought he would.
Just in case the opposing party says and does chaotic confusing things requiring your quick response, and having your hands on EVERYTHING, easily produced in a moment's time, is important. When do PD people NOT say and do confusing things? They always do, IME.
Not getting defensive is important.
Not getting baited into reacting.... which is so so hard, IME..... and always always speaking about the abuser with compassion... compassion they lack for those they're harming. Victims must cultivate compassion for their abusers, while the abusers dive happily into chaos manufacture, which creates confusion, which drags these things out. That's the way it goes.
As a mother, there's protective anger, and that has to be reeled in.
There has to be a plan A, B and C. Rock solid understanding of what men punish women in the courtroom for... snarkiness = bitchiness.... and that doesn't often go unpunished, IME.
One grooms themself to anticipate the usual courtroom crazy and counter it with compassion, and the understanding stupid people need to be educated in a courtroom...and it's the job of the victims to do that, without using ANY medical jargon, just the facts. Zero expectation. It's not something we're taught, in life, until we're learning under fire.
Such a shame there's not more education around the justice system, and mental health in our schools. Innocent until proven guilty isn't how things work. They should explain that, and stop saying it. The same with "In the best interest of the children." The court doesn't really care, and I doin't think it has the ability to. They should just stop blathering on about it, stating it, up front, like it means anything. It's a slap in the face, more than an aspiration, IME.
Lighter
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