Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Hopalong:
BRAVO, Lighter, for these:
1)
--- Quote ---trying to save someone else can be tied into saving myself too
--- End quote ---
2) I can imagine how triggering it is to know someone close, who's under threat. From male aggression/violence, or from the court system.
It saddens me, that you reverberate to that so powerfully. How could you not? But how many endless, varied, multi-layered triggers for this are possible in this world?
You deserve to find your way THROUGH (not past) #1. And then to discover inner peace or (or realistically, to just feel a lot less personally reactive and responsible for fixing) situations like #2 forever.
Peace, love, moss, friendship. THESE are what you deserve.
Your precious life energy. Your mind.
I hope and "hold aloft" that you will find the balance, experience your own energy as whole and simple. Clear.
I really believe that is exactly what you're on track to doing.
Kudos, you.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
Thanks for that input AND I have a mind to finish processing some of this on Monday.... a very clear vision and plan. I feel good about it.
There as to be balance. Yes.
Today I felt very whole and entitled to my voice, no faffing about, or feeling I must hold back. Instead speaking up, speaking truth while remaining very curious about the listener's response, which I immediately called them on, without judgment. Just stating how it affected me, and I count too.... bc I'm talking about it and holding accountable the person I'm speaking to.
And it flooooowwwwed, Hops. Just felt so right. So different than I'd normally approach it... with dread of conflict, but when it happened,I didn't fold. I pointed out the judgment and criticism, I felt were unwarranted, and explained WHY my priorities were what they were and excused him to have his. It's all good, and we agreed we were done with that discussion, and moved on, with me holding my ground the entire way.
It felt like we broke above some cloud cover, as two grown adults speaking to each other, instead of him, adult, to me... child.
I felt heard, and if I wasn't...
pffft. It's OK. I'm OK with simply speaking and not being hushed or cowed into silence. That's so simple, and was so difficult to discern for so very long.
What an amazing feeling! I noticed it's presence earlier..... and the conversation cemented. The more I do it, the more cement is poured: )
Lighter
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---It felt like we broke above some cloud cover, as two grown adults speaking to each other, instead of him, adult, to me... child.
--- End quote ---
Fantastic. Frame-worthy. Cushion-embroidery.
Wonderful!
Hops
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- I don't know how to determine ownership of self-care and caring for others....
when it's overstepping, to do so. And that's the thing.... NEEEDING someone else to be OK, to feel OK myself, is codependence.
--- End quote ---
I've got a new practice; still a work in progress. I'll just ask if there's anything I might can do for someone. Within my ability, kind of thing. I will press a little, if I'm reading someone thinking they're not worthy of being cared for or too proud to accept help. Not a LOT, just to be sure.
Where I draw THAT line is the difference between caring for others and self-care. And that's always the point in the process I keep learning about.
lighter:
:: Pug head tilt::
I'm not sure I understood what you're saying as far as the framework I'm working within. Particularly regarding FOO members' choices affecting my quality of life in profound ways I cannot escape, once that pooch is screwed.
I can easily say.... for example, Hops has asked for opinions, and mine has run it's course. I will withdraw further opinions until I feel she's asking, and let it go at that. No harm. No foul.
But when my father insists he pay a surgon to paralyze him, in a day, when he can go slowly down that lane or have surgery when it's lazer or nanobot surgery with out risk....
when Dad's unwilling to perform ANY PT, necessary with a human surgeon....
is that self care or..... codependence........ or..... both to do what I can to INFORM him of the truth he's so stubbornly hanging on to, like a little child?
Neither? Something else?
It FELT like I was the only adult in the room, and there was a bully fending me off my Father, who I really wanted to talk to. More. About the facts.
It would have felt like leaving my infant father in the middle of the road, defenseless and certain to be flattened by a car if I did nothing. I felt the same exact thing when my dear B was struggling with a cancer dx, and a friend told me to run away. Quick! GO NOW! She knew the kind of fuck fuck it would turn into, considering his ex wife and nutsy dd. Would I have done it differently? Yup. Would I have left him in the middle of the road, alone? Likely, not.
That might be a sickness, on my part. I'm willing to consider that... or a general weakness.... flaw... whatever THAT was.... I'll cop to it if necessary. My youngest thinks I think too much. Take too much responsibility for feeling responsible. I should just chill, and know I'm making good choices. Apparently she won't leave me in the middle of the road if I'm every struggling with childlike denial and magical thinking around huge medical decisions she can clearly SEE me floundering drunkenly with in the wrong direction towards traffic.
And so, until Monday, caretaker sycophant just returned from out of the Country.....
::sing song voice::
And I'm, all the sudden, no longer an adult in the room.
I am decidedly a child, reacting to SOMETHING else, much older, and I'm aware of it. Will update once that's figured out.
And remain curious until I have.
Lighter
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