Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
These have been busy, delightful days.
Yesterday my niece's bf and I went for a nature walk....or.... more correctly.... a moss, stone, salamander and frog collection walk with 2 sleds, and numerous buckets and smaller containers.
It's a good thing my sis and I put a heavy rope on one of the sleds, bc it needed it yesterday when we realized we had one super heavy sled and one moderately heavy after all the dirt was drenched with a downpour. I couldn't really pull either very far on my own and we were on the bottom of a pretty steep incline.
I've been at the bottom of that incline many times, btw. I KNOW better than to overload any vessel I'm pulling or carrying, but when the rain started..... and the creek rose, we got all happy with it. We collected beautiful moss, WET moss, and stones... he liked the orange ones, I like the white ones. SO many stones. He caught a tiny frog, a brown salamander and a bright orange salamander. SO EXCITING, like little children, playing in the rain together and that lead to us tying the sleds together with him pulling like a horse, and me pulling the nose of the first sled up and our hearts were pumping, heavy breathing, pulling, resting, pulling resting till we were back home.
The boy dropped the sleds and immediately tended to the wildlife, which is what he does on the island. Drops the luggage, strips down to his swim shorts and runs into the water, no matter the wind or temperature, and comes back out with lobsters and fish to eat. He also catches little fish and shrimps to keep in a veggie drawer from the fridge. A true nature child.
He's been fishing at the little lake, and up to his hips in mud trying to reach a sandbar at the little lake where he let most of the tadpoles go. He wants to catch one of the 3 foot carp usually traveling in 2s and 3s. Very exciting. I think we'll go fishing today.
If I don't have unmittigated poison ivy on my forearms, I'll be very surprised.
So, the back porch has 3 large glass containers filled with toads, millipedes, salamanders and tadpoles..... decorative lights, candles and vases filled with flowering branches and fern leaves backlight the tadpole tank. There's a big fan keeping the mosquitos down. Everything's green and happy from the rain.
I'm happy too.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Wow, Lighter, that sounds idyllic! Will be so nice to sit out and look at how pretty everything looks. Great way to keep busy during the day as well, so active and so much fun! I'm so glad you're having such a good time xx xx
lighter:
Thanks, Tupp.
The last time I spoke with T she said "secure attachment" .... almost under her breathe.
Like THAT's what we've been slogging towards this entire time.
And that made sense to me. Forming a secure attachment with myself.... MY adult self.... my Mommy self, as a valuable resource.
My mother was very young when she had me. The age of the mother, at the time of her first child, is the primary indicator for how well the children will do..... I'm paraphrasing here, but mom was 19... right out of highschool. The only one in her friend group to make it OUT before getting pregnant. Just very young.
I feel as though the T COULD have explained all this up front, but it wouldn't have helped and might have slowed things down even. I feel as though she set a course, for a place I couldn't really comprehend in the headspace I was in. I feel like she took me up dell and down dell to get there.... showing me many different aspects of the same thing to drive home lessons in different ways... adding to understanding and depth of internalization. Beefing up important aspects of healing and driving home lessons, over and over again, which I appreciate and find helpful.
There were many AHA! moments where she took me round to the back side of something I'd seen before.... and recognized them without them pointing it out. Allowing me to pick up, examine and drop or keep things in my own time. No rush. Only acceptance and fellowship... always overtly kind and understanding.... willing to take me around the other path when I stiffened up, which happened less and less as we went on.
And I do find most Ts, in my experience, get impatient or have expectations of their own.... they get in the way. Shut down communication, it's about them OR they're just overwhelmed and look to feel helpless.... I've seen 3 cry and that was the case with the Nurse Practitioner who tried Therapeutic Yoga with me.... then referred me to current T, who wasn't frightened or overwhelmed or in upset in any way.... just calmly went about resolving issues... never ever ever did anything outside that..... consistent.... competent... super informed.
I do feel all her skills pressed in and made the difference, for me, bc I am a fighter. Justice, the idea of justice, MY idea of justice has never been a gray area, in any way.... she had to teach me to SEE it, and accept all the injustice and make peace with it so I could see the rest of the lessons, which wasn't easy.
The joy attached to being fully present is less like a light switch now. It's not mysterious. The toughest part isn't doubting or trying to believe. The toughest part is remaining very kind with myself, and going back to being present after my thoughts have danced off into past/future, which happens
all
the
time.
And that's OK.
Yesterday I spent the day attempting to SEE the world through the eyes of a child. I did very well with it, then noticed when I didn't.
I'm going to a new creek today, with niece's bf, and that's my goal. TO BE A CHILD with his child, and he's absolutely immersed in being present...in nature....in finding joy exactly where he is. It's one of the things that brings so much joy right now.
Yesterday he caught a crawfish and let the toads and millipedes go. He wants 2 more crawfish, and that's the mission today. I think his orange salamander got away....it was very active. Maybe it scaled the glass walls. I feel good about it if it did. The snails were out in a matter of minutes, lol.
I have some amazing tadpole pictures to share: )
Lighter
lighter:
Yesterday the boy and I went into the forest looking for better creek action.
We failed, then collected beautiful flowers during our walk back in a thunderstorm.
As lightening crashed and banged around us, as we dropped off the flowers and phones at the house, we decided to go to the best creek, which was running so high and fast it would have dragged us away if we stepped in too deep.
We found a baby box turtle and the storm ended on our way home.
We went back to the creek at midnight. The shape of the creek, water flow and tons of rocks had all been moved and changed... repositioned. Amazing.
The boy found many baby salamanders, and 3 more crawfish... very feisty things. Territorial too, I think.
Today we release everything but the tadpoles. I still have people adopting them, which is very cool.
If I can figure out how to shrink photo files I'll post some pics. They're kind of astonishing. I'm not sure what's going on with their mouths. They look drawn on with a black fine tip marker.
I'm posting this here, bc I was very frightened by the lightening and ground shaking BOOMS of thunder. It was right on top of us. At a point I breathed into it and decided...... I have life insurance.... I've lived a good life... my kids are grown. I'm going to be present NOW and not worry about the storm. There was so much joy, from that point on. I leaned into the feelong of rain on my skin, the colors and shapes aroud me..... it was exciting. At the end of the storm a big cold wind took some of the fun away, but it was all new experiences..... I've never focused like that before. Had so much choice, or understood I had choice in that way.
I have questions for my T today. How lives change when choice like this becomes default. I look forward to what comes next.
Lighter
Hopalong:
That sounds wonderful, Lighter.
Exhilarating, empowering and yet, oddly peaceful too.
Good for you.
I'm hoisting an air-toast to much more internal freedom AND PEACE to come!
(It was such a good idea not to fight the storm, but just feel it. Bravo. And still, I know you'll avoid being caught in lightning risk TOO often....)
hugs
Hops
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