Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Twoapenny:
Shifting ones emotional diet to something healthier..... it's a new texture.... it's not as exciting or emotionally engulfing..... sometimes it's boring, compared to bee eating, IME.
That really stuck out for me, Lighter, almost as the centre of all of it. I think if you've lived in a highly stressed state, for whatever reason - family issues, life threatening situation, high powered job, whatever the cause of the drama - as much as we don't want that any more, it is hard to shift down a gear (or ten) and adjust to quiet, routine, slower pace. I know how tired I get now from a relatively small amount of stimulation or stress and when I think back to being far more stressed than that, all the time, it does make sense that your body just gets used to it physically, in the same way it gets used to alcohol or cocaine or tobacco or whatever else you might be using. It's not as exciting or as engulfing but I am finding more and more now that I have a deeper sense of satisfaction. It feels more concrete and less transient than it used to. It's not there all the time but it's there more of the time. Are you finding that as well? xx
Hopalong:
Lighter,
I'm so glad you've stopped eating bees.
Now you might be eating crickets instead: boring, vaguely nutty-tasting, but very nourishing and high in protein. (Cricket flour is in our futures....)
I can see/feel how far you've come, how grateful you are. It's good to see you looking at your own internal savannah.
It's also neat to hear about you resisting the compulsion to rescue your friend and offer silent compassion instead. Just as your T offered you, when the hot tears sprang.
Wow.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Yes, Tupp.
I think there's chemical, structural and belief system changes taking place in the brain to account for feeling more concrete and less transient.
We learned new coping strategies, so they're available, even if we stutter and sputter remembering them....using them....temporarily losing access to them, bc of stress / biochemical hijack, etc.
I see it this way....
as long as I remain engaged and willing to rest in awareness, I continue driving and deepening lessons and skills resulting in more positive experience, building more trust and belief in familiar directions, but also areas I haven't discovered. It's building on itself, and please remember....small gains, for me, are precious things.
They sometimes feel like a tiny synapses, but I feel it like a new building block dropped into place.
Some people have many powerful physical experiences, but that wasn't me. I had one or two, which shocked and amazed me. I guess I had no hope that would happen. I thought the entire process would be a slog, and it feels like a lot of it has....
But...
The slogging relieved tension on the brain, and the brain, once out from stress locking it into fight or flight, is an amazing thing.
I believe we've made permanent changes in our brains....bc brain plasticity.
It's my opinion new permanent changes will feel similar to the first.....there will be learning and remembering to use the new tools and strategies....kindness with ourselves, then more permanent and deepening lasting change. Even if there's stuttering along the way, which isn't defeat. It's the stuff relief is built from, ime.
So, ya....me too: )
Lighter
lighter:
Thanks, ((Hops.))
Here's to everyone putting down their bee eating forks.....to letting the bees buzz on by.
Lighter
lighter:
So, company will be here tomorrow.
It feels right, and good and comfortable to me.
I'm engaged happily in organizing, cleaning and editing the house and this is what I've noticed about that:
I'm enjoying the fruits of taking proactive steps, over time and proactively, in what used to be overwhelming jobs. I didn't decide to DO it. It just began happening, and I was enjoying the DOING of these things. Today I'm enjoying the doing of the jobs, particularly bc there are so many steps out of the way. I'm in the zone, and it feels comfortable. It's not amazing or interesting in a...
GEE, THIS IS GREAT! I'M IN THE ZONE, not sure why, BUT I'M THERE, and IT's GREAT AND I'm GETTING LOTS OF STUFF DONE! YAAAY! Hope it stays.
I'm just moving through a very balanced, energized, happy ZONE, which IS new for me. It's no longer THE ZONE, which was my normal.... however rare and mysterious..... that's shifted.
The relaxed self care.... the doing of things NOT leading to finishing said thing, which was one reason I;ve been overwhelmed so easily..... EVERY job had to be done JUST RIGHT, and a certain way and certainly with a particular expectation for just how that would look and feel. I mean.... creating sacred space.... whenever touching cleaning supplies... is, looking at it with some distance I didn't notice I was creating in this area..... a bit much.
The judment dropped away.
The comparisons dropped away.... which frees up energy for DOING and BEING present and engaged and curious, rather than uptight and fearful and judgmental.
Judging others, meant I was judging myself, and that seems really obvious now, but will post it again, in case I forget.
Judging myself is just messed up, and counterproductive in every way, IME.
And so I continue moving through all the clothing we're growing in and out of, bc that's the case with the three of us IN this house right now. We're exchanging clothing, figuring out what won't fit any of us, and passing these things on.
I'm ready to make that drop this evening, when I LOVE dropping off at the Goodwill near us..... in the dark..... with no one looking. What is up with that? Don't care. Maybe it's a sort of purge.... not shameful, BUT I really DON'T want to be judged...and now I don't care. Again. I'm taking it at face value. It means open sunny spaces, improved organization and ability to find the things we use daily... without struggle.
That's a really nice place to be, IME.
In the meantime, I'm not setting any goals for how the house will be when guests arrive. These folks KNOW us and me and we've lived together, so..... welcome and maybe you can help me with this ONE organization block I've identified by the time you arrive, guests.
Not afraid to ask for help. Not afraid to need it. Not afraid to be seen as needing help... and that's new.... flowing.... feeling pretty integrated.
Integrated is a pretty good word and IS THIS my brain firing on all cylinders? I think, ya... maybe it is. There's no struggle or ON OFF switch.... just moving along, with economy of motion and zero worry about the process or outcome.
And....
wow.
There's space for appreciating what I love in my life...honoring those items I use all the time.....
there's space.... more space......
there's flow and no thinking about purpose or priorities.....
just....
flow.
Flow is amazing. Flow is cleaning a floor, walking the dog, gathering flowers and branches for porch flower arrangements, getting them in water for the time being, then moving back into he house to check on laundry... find the ROOBMBAS, handling them, getting them back to work, then dealing with more clothes, which seems ultra managable right now, then enjoying some of the clean open spaces accumulating over the last months and moving on the the next thing without suffering or doubt or fear or....
stress.
Zero stress.
I dealt with a health professional earlier, and didn't have an emotional blip as I dismissed her as not a right fit for youngest dd, and got off the phone after a quick statement about what we would be doing... seeing the gal we usually see in that office. I discussed the plan with youngest dd, we agreed, and now I'm looking forward to getting right back to what I've been doing happily all day. Just moving through the stuff, and cleaning without pressure KNOWING it WILL feel like sacred space, even if I don't struggle and hurt myself in the process.
And maybe I've associated suffering with proper cleaning, partially bc my father drove it into my head with a hot poker (fig.)
What a relief... to not HAVE to clean like an abused PD farm wife who looks down on everyone else for their marginal, unworthy efforts at cleaning, even as her husband cheated on her in a very public manner and she couldn't eat all the yummy things she made for everyone in the kitchen, bc Type I diabetes and health problems stemming from being denied medical care by her abusive father who beat her bloody for things her brothers did, AND forced her to drink baking soda water before her appendix burst and the doctor held up her guts, like rotted worms, and doubted she'd ever recover during the emergency surgery she was lucky to receive at all .
Whoo... glad that's off my plate, bc it did suck.
Things ARE changing. I'm limiting the insanity IN MY LIFE and it's nice to trust myself to do that, bc I do trust myself to DO that. I don't fear or doubt any more. Like getting off the phone with the healthcare person. I didn't need her to understand, and I didn't care if she did, which was pretty obvious in her shock, and I got on with my day, sans judgment... just new for me, bc lots of bad history with healthcare professionals.
Amazing.....
Freedom.
Ya, that.
Lighter, going back to what she was doing.
Happily: )
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