Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on September 19, 2020, 06:06:10 PM ---There are ways to make the hard physical work of homesteading easier, Tupp. You don't have to always be the "mule" pulling a plow... there are even ways to minimize weeding, which I still enjoy immensely even if I do get tired; it's just the satisfaction of creating the visual "order" I like. I'll bet even your son would enjoy parts of that kind of work.
Sometimes, mother nature "wins" - and there isn't a decent way to cope and get a crop or have your herbs/flowers do really well. Sometimes it's too much rain; not enough; too hot... a host of other things. Wrapping my head around the real commitment it requires to maintain a garden space, permaculture bed, animals... I face a lot of resistance; excuses (It's too hot! I'll be sick and out of commission for days! waaaaah.... poor me) And so the work to overcome that, do things in a timely fashion, not find a handy excuse continues.
I think it's because at one time the bulk of the work - planting, tilling, weeding, harvesting & preserving - fell completely on my shoulders with very little assistance that part of me has held on to that resentment. And the voice I hear, when I am choosing to do/not do... is exactly the know-it-all, always "right" voice of Ex#2. He always dictated how it "should" be done - but he didn't DO IT. I did. And I wasn't permitted to say "no". I haven't quite exorcised that yet.
--- End quote ---
Those negative voices are so persistent, Skep! It's weird how they settle in. I do have the same struggles with doing things 'perfectly'. When I was going to plant spuds, I kept putting it off because I had all these other things I thought I ought to be doing as well - and the result was nothing got done in the end. I'm trying to get past that now and just do things and let them happen instead of micro planning but not actually planting anything. I feel like I've got a foot in two different worlds at the minute and then it becomes easier to watch programmes about homesteads than it is to try to create one ;) But we keep on keeping on, right? :) And I still want moss as well, Lighter's descriptions of carpets of moss have whetted my appetite for that :) x
sKePTiKal:
That's exactly what I go thru Tupp.
It's like I KNOW, that no matter how I do it, IF I do it, or what I can't control... it's never going to be "right" to that person who claims supreme power of approval. And it's going to be MY FAULT it's not right, looks "foolish", or doesn't produce. So, I resort to the passive-aggressive tactic I was taught so well. I don't do anything. I give up and in my head justify it... by telling myself, well of course! They're always right. (So turning it into a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy too.) And the only F YOU left to me.
Up until the point, that the criticism was inescapable and predictable... I had enjoyed planting and growing. It's like that simple joy was taken away from me; made so onerous a task with all the "right way", all the time from beginning to end; that I was being denied my whole nurturing self. Didn't help, that there was no reward - either way - ever; no matter what. And you know me. I'm endlessly curious and learning about things; and actually ENJOY learning new ways to do things. That died a starvation death in the process too.
Hol doesn't realize it, but the number of things she "took out of my hands" - "helping" - brought some of that back for me. Previously, I'd merely run away from it. I hadn't really conquered it, changed the "habit" and my usual reaction... although I was getting there, before she moved in.
So, mirabile dictu, here it is again. :D And I get to deal with it again. It's always task specific, btw. For me.
Because it's truly "in my head". Internalized. It's not Hol's fault. There is something there about not having a strong enough boundary to prevent someone from demeaning me, criticizing me, before I even make the attempt that is completely on ME. Something I don't think, feel, expect from others... because I don't think I act like that (maybe I do?)... so why am I treated that way? And what in the whole universe does one do to block that? Counter it? Without being a jerk myself?
Such a conundrum. That should keep me busy all winter, huh?
lighter:
My sister and I are finishing up our tizzies and guessing what's in the neighbor's heads after a bonfire/smoked brisket gathering with many dogs.
I think everyone, save 2, are having the same discussions.
It's difficult to have boundaries all the time with everyone to the right degree in the right tones, IME.
Just......not alleyways possible, bc people hear things in ways not intended, kwim?
A tip for those building Amazon bonfires....
If using camp stove fuel.....white gasoline....you are essentially building a BOMB that will shake houses across the street.
::nodding emphatically::.
And....I' m protected by Amazon Angels and Archangels; )
Lighter
lighter:
Today very busy.
Thinking about moments of serenity make action and creative focus possible and better.
Thinking about guilt.....whatever keeps one from being alone and concentrating unreservedly in that stillness. Being kind....on nurturing and growth.
It slows the process.
Lately it feels like falling into relaxation.....no more bartering with myself for it. It's changed a lot.
All the neighbor's went through their worrying cycles and calmed down....including me after hours if hard work and togetherness.
One still clucking unhappily, but very sneakily, about the ones he doesn't like. There was a bear incident a while back. He never got over it. She's a British, a doctor, runs a hospital.... the h makes instruments and is a world class mountain climber. I suspect there's some jealousy, but I'm just making circular motions with my head and validating his feelings.
Never inviting them over together again, what a mess people can be.
Dog fights.
Hosting at 2 locations...food 100 yards from bonfire. Honestly, the fire one property was the fun happy place to be, so glad it happened that way.
I really should know better by now.
Lighter
Lighter
Twoapenny:
What happened, Lighter, did they all have a big argument or something? xx
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