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Mindfulness and codependence thread
Hopalong:
That's very wise information, Lighter, and it certainly would apply to any time at all I should spend with M. Wrestling with that question right now.
I am not looking to follow a particular meditative or religious or prescribed spiritual practice no matter what its label or tradition is. But I can still mine this article for its wonderful nuggets of wisdom and help, and really appreciate your intention (!) in sharing it.
Because you (and he) are so right; the reactivity is the thing. I think I am very defensive and scared in various situations and do react or retreat rather than remain at peace inside the situation regardless. (He had a great line about that). My reactivity is the only one I can work on. I am at such a tentative point with it presently that it may be best not to test it at all, or it could be that learning how to "be friends" with M could wind up as a strengthening and maturing thing for me. I have my doubts but if I'm learning from what's happening nothing is wasted.
Thanks for this, Lighter.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Lighter, I seem to have missed a lot of posts on this thread, I'm not sure how! There's so much in this that rang a bell with me.
--- Quote from: lighter on November 10, 2020, 01:12:33 PM ---Tupp:
I stored things at my Dad's, so there were painful jabs while dealing with them. Feelings if being.....well....feelings you can imagine being dragged through threatening systems by PD people doing all they can to destroy you while focusing painfully on your children to leverage and do trauma....and what was lost while defending and eventually counter attacking, which isn't in my normal character.....what it all cost my children, nieces and nephew.
Yes, not my normal character is just how I feel about my own situation as well. So revealing and such a good way to put it. I'm a lover, not a fighter! I just wanted to get on with my life - raise my baby, go back to work, meet a nice man, buy a little house, maybe have a holiday or two! I never dreamt I'd spend fifteen years battling my way through paper led battles and layers of deceit and injustice. But you can't not do it? The kids will suffer if you don't fight back; I found that hard to get my head round because I'd rather have walked away. But that option wasn't available.
THAT was tough, then came the home movies with shift in perspective. Turning away from a closed door of joy was how it felt....and I realized how attached I've been to the loss. I realized I don't want to manufacture that now very familiar dynamic in the present.....it was an emotional release....like a hand releasing something hot. A reaction....not a response, which is weird to BE reactive, suddenly, in a healthy way! Maybe for the first time, and bc of all the information taking root and space....crowding out old habits and unconscious beliefs.
Yes, attached to the sense of loss had me nodding. And I've found it very hard to move away from 'what my mum did to me' to focusing back on her, her awful childhood, her loveless, colourless marriages, her endless sacrifice of herself and her drinking in order to cope with it all. But I feel more able now to see her as a damaged person, rather than as my mum? Or as I wish my mum could have been? Is that the way you feel with your dad now?
Honestly, mining the depths of unconscious beliefs is a layer of work moving things forward in jerks and spasms, feels like, IME, but.... that's part of moving forward and inhabiting new space....not leaving any major layers of habit and understanding unseat with and behind, holding back, dragging behind, clawing and struggling....taking focus back, rattling and creating distraction I couldn't identify before but now tend to and try very hard to process and move into historic files with intention.
I feel I'm not at all done, but now have basic tools benefiting my style and ability to cope....to expand my window of resilience, as my T says.
Writing that out.....I feel very keenly the years of frustration and confusion when feeling centered and in the zone went away.
Yes, I find I feel very miffed when someone or something pops my bubble now. I like being able to go through my day without having to battle my own mind (or my nervous system kicking off or some trigger or other causing a panic attack). It's nice to be in that zone and unpleasant when it dissipates.
I have such compassion for myself and inability to just FIX it. The more I tried to think my way out, the harder it was.
I am so glad you have compassion for yourself and everything you've been through/are going through ((((Lighter)))))
I did collect useful information helping me understand and make sense of the therapy sessions, which I don't think I would have, otherwise.
I could be wrong, of course. Dropping expectation is a default now, not just a fleeting comfort during crisis and terrifying threats I couldn't control.
I think I believe all will be well, all the time now, rather than believe or struggle to believe, bc I'm stuck in my limbic system too long, not understanding why or how to get OUT if I can just remember to breathe and get very curious...things start falling into place, like dominoes. Feeling better begins dropping into place and new unconscious belief systems begin organizing , shifting, building and finally taking up residence without creating resistance and persistence of the old, if that makes sense.
Not only levels to notice and attend to, but ways to attend to help the process, rather than force and extend, with more frustration and judgment popping up, which I remember keenly suffering through.
THAT has largely been extinguished, as of now. I AM kind to myself.
I DO stop shame and guilt before it gets inside.
I don't judge...and that's key. Its6also a work in progress. So.etimes I have to remember, backtrack and SEE the situation without reactive anger.....and I do try. I think I mostly succeed now, and it's an amazing lesson if I don't. I compare and notice how each feeeeels, so different.
Again, a small release of emotionally dropping something dangerous and hot.
Dropping something dangerous and hot feels like exactly the right description. It makes no sense to keep carrying it, right?
Maybe the real shift is understanding how detrimental old habits truly are....believing....internalizing and processing fully so all the reward evaporates and leaves a void where new defaults are primed to....slide into place. The old default patterns fully processed and moved into historic files with a resounding slam.
Maybe. Not sure. Writing that last part doesn't feel as solid or known and understood, frankly, but I suspect that's the case.
It makes sense to me, Lighter. I was doing a meditation this morning in which she focuses on choosing new time line. The theme is that you release your old time line as it no longer suits you; you've learnt the lessons you needed and you can take them into the time line you choose for yourself. She refers to changing from surviving to creating and I think that's so true. Such a big difference between getting through the day and enjoying and savouring the day. I'm hoping for much more of the latter is coming your way now (probably with lots of moss! Lol xx
Lighter
--- End quote ---
lighter:
Tupp:
I have managed to see my parents as wounded children....humans....not flawed parents only. It really brought serenity around those relationships for me. I was at the lake recently....after a big storm, and the day after was sunny and warm and very windy. Really beautiful. I saw Dad's house and land and the lake through his eyes and...
this is a little odd, but I wished he was there, looking with me. I took what remains of his ashes and threw them into the wind....they went so high! It felt like he was happy and free of the room he'd spent the last21 years if his life.....not caring about his dream of a farm. It was poignant and uplifting.
I've had a couple major shifts. Mostly being very mindful about gratitude and the numbers 555, 1111 and 440 are coming up over and over for me since. I grasp concepts more easily. I SEE more meaning in things I couldn't understand befire.
I'll write more about it when I figure out this wireless keyboard.
In the meantime, I'm very busy with big projects and my girls are doing ok.
Lots of traveling back and forth to lake and home this week, so not posting as much.
Will update soon: )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on December 01, 2020, 09:44:13 PM ---Tupp:
I have managed to see my parents as wounded children....humans....not flawed parents only. It really brought serenity around those relationships for me. I was at the lake recently....after a big storm, and the day after was sunny and warm and very windy. Really beautiful. I saw Dad's house and land and the lake through his eyes and...
this is a little odd, but I wished he was there, looking with me. I took what remains of his ashes and threw them into the wind....they went so high! It felt like he was happy and free of the room he'd spent the last21 years if his life.....not caring about his dream of a farm. It was poignant and uplifting.
I've had a couple major shifts. Mostly being very mindful about gratitude and the numbers 555, 1111 and 440 are coming up over and over for me since. I grasp concepts more easily. I SEE more meaning in things I couldn't understand befire.
I'll write more about it when I figure out this wireless keyboard.
In the meantime, I'm very busy with big projects and my girls are doing ok.
Lots of traveling back and forth to lake and home this week, so not posting as much.
Will update soon: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
I'm getting that way with my mum, Lighter, not my step-dad although to be honest I've not put any effort into the way I feel about him. But I'm starting to see my mum more as someone who is very damaged herself rather than as someone who damaged me. That is in part because I've had no contact with her for such a long time; I don't know that I'd maintain that thought if she pulls any of her stunts again. But for now it feels easier.
I did do a meditation this morning; I'm finding some of these very visual in my own mind now. In this one it's suggested that you cut karmic ties and gather up the parts of yourself that were left elsewhere during trauma. I'm not massively into the concept of karma but I find the notion of the meditation helpful and soothing. I imagined my mum giving me back my broken heart, my dad returning my little Tupp soul to me that I feel he took when he died, and my step-dad giving me back my body as something beautiful and sensual to love and enjoy. I feel like he took that from me with the abuse. I don't know why those sort of things make me feel better but they do, so I'm going to keep doing them. I think as I'm getting older I'm seeing how much society changes in relatively short spaces of time and understanding better how disconcerting it is if you're not part of the new wave of seeing things differently. I can see how deeply embedded in my mum 'love and honour your husband' was, however badly he behaved, and I feel very grateful that I've not got myself into a corner with that as well. Just feels like less blame and more acceptance.
I hope the projects are all going well! And that things are ticking along okay xx xx
lighter:
Projects all going swell, Tupp.
Lots of balls in the air. Steamed 4 rooms of wallpaper off. Cleaned cabinet faces. Started on floors. The dishwasher and icemaker are working again, bc my brother is super competent that way.
I run home tomorrow, youngest DD has a dental appt Monday, then pack a 26 foot truck and roll back here with 2 movers.
I loved reading about your meditation. Taking back the pieces of yourself sounds necessary, useful and healing to me.
And.....
I'm glad I'm not stuck in a terrible marriage to an unhealthy man too, ((Tupp.))
I'm very grateful too.
Lighter
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