Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I notice more space before reactivity.  It's still there, at times, but the extra beats help bring me back to center more quickly.

[lighter]

I'm still judging...
Good
Bad
Good

I wasn't paying attention, but it hit me today.  I wonder what changes if I finally calm that habit down and drop it.

[Meh]

That's good Lighter that you can be happy and be less reactive.

Sometimes I question my own reactivity, behind reactivity are emotions though I figure. Like reactivity itself is not the thing, it's the emotions behind the reactivity that are telling us something is how I figure it.

Definitely it's good if people are not pushed around by emotions one supposes and yet the emotions are there to help us understand life I guess.

[lighter]

Mouse:

Processing teams emotions rattling around and around is where happiness and less reactivity began for me. 

You're so right about emotions behind the reactivity.  They are messengers.  They tell us something needs our attention....needs tending to, yup yup yup.

Lately it's like turning channels.  I'll see something....a picture or person maybe.  A connected memory pops up.  I examine it and decide if it's useful or positive.  It feels like turning the channel if I don't want to go there emotionally. 

Since I'm going through photos and so many things at the lake....it happens all the time.  It feels like....

"Oh....that's a rabbit hole....I don't want....to go down."

I change the channel back to what I was doing.  I also notice how familiar going down the rabbit hole is....going deeper would be so easy, but I'm doing other things.

It doesn't mean I won't ever choose a rabbit hole.  It means I have choice.  It usually means I resist judging myself whatever choice I make.  Mostly I choose staying present in the moment.  It's more joyful.  Lots if relief.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Loved your post from the 7th, Lighter. Sounds so clear and positive and joyful. Also your understanding of how strong and capable your daughters are...what a wonderful accomplishment. I can imagine the joy and comfort of seeing their strengths just get stronger. Bravo to all-a y'all!

And young DD's description of a pug is the definition that should be everywhere. Hilarious and also accurate! Older DD is in crunch mode and sounds like she's doing amazingly well.

It's nice to hear you enjoying male company in a playful way that's contagious. Bet they love working for/with you, and no sign of anybody toxic the way there was on the island. Maybe you're modifying that energy so there's no confusion. Again bravo!

I've not been posting reaction but have been thinking about some of the things you say about labels and judgements, etc. They're valuable. You sound very liberated.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.  I'm feeling pretty liberated.

About " modifying" my energy.....
Hmmmm.

I think I'm more exuberant, less guarded/ deeply dour, for sure.  That's likely not what you expected, but there it is, particularly as it relates to the contractor.

The unstable C's energy shut me down.

So, I guess you could say I've taken my energy out of restrictive, abrasive and barely controlled smoking frustration and dressed it in lightweight floral cotton happiness. Whatever I come across....whatever I attract, I'll be proactive about ending troublsome connection where I have choice.

 I remember living like this every day in my thirties.

My restored ability to respond is more important, imo, than what I dress my energy in.  I trust I'll keep myself safe.

I like your choice of the word liberated.  It feels right, Hops.

Yes: )



Lighter

[Twoapenny]

It's great that life is treating you so much better, Lighter.  It's lovely to read about 'floral cotton happiness'.  Long may it continue xx

[lighter]

My sibs and I were planning a powwow over lake house decisions....for Friday.

At 5pm Friday our beloved Stepfather of 30+ years, and most actively involved Grandfather to out children, passed away unexpectedly, then my niece was run over by a car, soon after, as she was riding a bike.  She said she saw the tire roll over her knee, but was able to get up and walk....the driver would have driven away if she didn't say, "you ran over me."  He drove her and the bent bike to her apartment and left his contact info, saying he was late to train someone at the gym.

We're shaken up...oldest DD broke down at work yesterday and drove into the driveway as youngest and I were getting out if house together.

We went to a nearby park and told stories about Papa C....we laughed and laughed, but lots of sadness and pricessing going on still.

I worked in yard for a few hours when we got back home.  We'll hold a memorial service ourselves soon.  For Papa C and everyone we've lost.

Youngest doesn't like fires, so will have to find something we agree on.

Same with the lake house and sibs. More important we agree, but I'd like it make sense in my head.

So you know, PC had pneumonia and passed after a routine fluid removal at the hospital.  No mention of Covid.  I pictured my mother sitting on his bed, happily taking his hand and zooming him into the light, laughing like children.

I was so relieved he didn't linger and suffer in any way.  I told him how I felt about him.  I sent long letters, leaving nothing out.  I reached out when I needed his voice. 

I realize I'm sad for myself and girls....I hope Papa made peace with his daughters.  He was closer to us and I'm sure there was pain and distance to be mended in the 7 years since my mother passed.

I don't feel like gardening right now.  I'm happy to tend moss, beaten up borders and pick up never-ending sticks. 

My neighbors are planting in haybales this year...no bending for post op friend.

I'm distancing from the husband neighbors.  Their wives have become friends....theyre sort if opposites.  I'm nothing like either if them....have more in common with the husbands, but it's feeling a little off.

I withdraw when things feel weird and have comfort in choosing self care right now.

My niece's knee should be fine.  Apparently mist of the car weight was on the 3 tires NOT on her knee, which is scuffed, swollen and bruised, but unbroken.

This is the second bike accident in a month.  She almost broke hercwrust when a dumpster blew into her on a windy day.

THIS child needs to Uber her final days of University, IMO.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry about your loss of your Papa C, Lighter. So clearly he was a source of love and comfort in your and your daughters' lives. Glad it was swift but that's tough on survivors, but you also held nothing back. I'm sure he knew he was well loved.

I hope the floral cotton happiness returns soon, in its time. (I too loved that image.)

Your sense of humor's still with you...Uber for kneeice sounds like a good idea!

hugs and comfort,
Hops

PS I think your energy's just great. Creepy contractor would've shut me down too!

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I guess I'm not the only person that has a bunch things happen all once. (knock on wood - not lately!) You don't sound like it's threatening to overwhelm you, so that's good.

I'm so sorry to hear about your PapaC.

If it ever stops raining, I can manage a bonfire for ya here.

[Twoapenny]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Lighter, so tough for all of you, although I'm glad for you that he didn't suffer and all was relatively comfortable.  Small comforts to be taken when we lose people we love.  Sorry for your niece as well!  I no longer cycle on roads; I just find the amount of traffic too much and drivers so often miss cyclists when they check their mirrors and just knock them down.  I used to cycle a lot when younger, around the city I lived in at the time but even that seemed to be quieter and less dangerous than it is now.  I hope she's okay and that the bike's repairable.  Glad you've got the moss there for stress free gardening to ease the mind xx

[lighter]

So, I'm focusing on deeper acceptance, of what is, without judgment or resistance.

Recent reactivity gifted me with opportunity to explore what's beneath it.

I was pretty upset...going in circles....upset till I really looked at it. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt....enough rope to hang themselves is something I can stop doing.  I don't have to give anyone anything and that feels like wind blowing through my entire being.

I may pick and choose who I spend time with.  No more letting people take up my time.  No more expectations for them at all.

Just what is.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm glad about the wind, Lighter.
It sounds as though you just released a layer of over-responsibility.

So glad for you, you are processing this wisely. No craziness, just seeing.

Hate that you're alone but really liked what Amber said about knowing when you'll be ready.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I ignored text from YG yesterday.  He sent a photo of rocks pleasantly arranged like flowers in dirt.

He hasn't come near the house, instead walking past our street instead of down it and pasp my house. 

Youngest dd18 and I saw him go by yesterday morning without comment.

She's alert to male voices now.  If she thinks she hears one she's down the stairs, calling for me, prepared to run interference, which is a little sad, but....
She's stepping up, as equal grown adult, by my side.....no longer requires protection.  She's learned how to protect and be protective...on my team, I guess.  I'm on hers.  It's good.  I think the fact I'd rather crush my ankle than BE IN this situation is at once very funny to her, but also...
ticking her off, bc she has the same fine tuned need for justice.

Back to YG.  He walked by our street in afternoon yesterday while I was walking neighbor's trash cans up their drive.  The pug barked like mad, giving away YG's position....his arm shot up in a wave when he saw me look.  I waved once while turning back to the cans, dropping my head and eyes.  Busy busy busy, I am.  Just, always will be AND I'm covered up, going in many directions now....dealing with important issues.

Too busy to answer his call this morning....he typically doesn't call at all, but I'm sure he's worried about explaining his complete withdrawal from his typical routine.  To be fair, he walked this route when prior occupants owned this house.  It wasn't my presence or arrival kicking off his walking habits or routes.  He's walked this way for 25 years.  It wasn't my milkshake bringing him to my yard.

So, he's in a pickle.

I....
am not.

Serenity restored.  Even if he walks this way again, he can't upset my headspace now I've calmed myself and tended to the reactivity.

One step further, I've arranged to borrow elderly neighbor's ruding lawn mower to cut grass at the head of the trail...only small part is mine, but it needs cutting and YG was doing it, bc...."it was snakey" according to him. 

I agree with him there.

Lighter
P.S.  Once I wrapped my mind around him walking me miles into the woods then springing innapropriate personal and insane things on me.....I got pretty focused on what, exactly, happened between us and how I feel about it.  Not cool, 6'4" YG.  Not cool at all.

[Hopalong]

I hope he soon no longer takes up any real estate in your head, (((((Lighter))))).

Hope too that you screen and stop taking his calls. Or better, just block his number. Why the pretense of superficial neighborliness? That contract's over. Needs no justification. If it becomes necessary you can directly state: "Please do not call me again." If that's ignored, you know the steps.

One might be, if you want to involve his wife, to tell her his attention is unwelcome. But that might be a hornet's nest. I think you're doing the right thing with avoidance, as long as you don't begin to feel like a hostage. Boundaries, you're on it now.

Hopefully that's the end of it. No drama or intrigue or walk-route analysis....that's letting him take up your head space.

hugs
Hops