I thnk you are a socialist, Hops. It's OK to be what you are.
About your T pushing you when you were having chest pains....... my T did quite a bit of pushing too. At the point I just couldn't get on with the process she'd always always always take me back to the moment, do the body scan, find the pain/pressure/upset, put words to it, measure it, breathe into it, create expansiveness around it to calm my nervous system then go on with the hard work, if we had time, or put a pin in it for next time.
My experience with processing the stuck/sticky/reactive places in me'brain pan is that I can't do it without shifting into access to my frontal lobe...... to re experience the trauma with my whole brain, capable of processing the trauma, filing it in my historic files and releasing it completely...... so it's no longer slamming around in my brain.
If you can't return to your safe space, inside yourself..... if you haven't created that safe space...which Doc G seems to be able to help his clients with too..... then the brain remains in fight or flight, denied access to creativity/logic/problem solving ability...... which creates more trauma, ime.
And frustration.
Trusting a T to take you into the darkest, scariest, most terrifying places...... trusting her to teach you how to integrate your brain so large shifts can be managed....processed...... so the brain can do what it does with efficiency every moment of every day....but do it with the stuff stuck,bc trauma shut down the parts of our brain responsible for performing those functions..... works, IME.
However we get there... whoever teaches us....makes us feel safe enough, teaches us we carry that safe place within......
that person will be the person who SEEs our tantrumming inner toddler without judgment..... sans frustration....without attempting to push that toddler, but instead recognizes that toddler can't do the work, could never and HELPS calm her...... SEEs her pain and validates her.......
then moves into accessing the adult capable of helping the inner toddler experience the trauma in a way that doesn't shut the brain down over and over again....... but experiences the trauma with all the tools and processing ability required to finish and file. It takes a fraction of a second to process, but learning HOW to calm our brains.... how to create a safe, inner sanctuary....how to forgive ourselves for failing to find it....how to keep returning to our inner sanctuary over and over as we practice, fail, learn and grow INTO that space as it becomes familiar inner landscape is relief and proces I've experienced.
It makes sense to me now. It didn't always,but I noticed feeling very out of sorts last night over a couple things. Mostly my father's caretaker situation.
I learned a lot while dealing with my friend's visit. Borders and boundaries became apparent and suddenly very solid for me this morning. I noticed feeling more grounded and responsive, but this morning it was like...... there were fences and boundaries of the right size, at the right distance and thickness and very importantly...... flexibility. There are no perfect boundaries. They will shift and fail and be rebuilt and that's OK. I'm safe, at home, in my body and mind. There's nothing outside me required to FEEL safe. I carry it within myself and I can conjure it...... I think it might be in my awareness always, at this point,but I'm just paying attention to how I'm feeling today.
I woke up feeling very....... "normal" I guess. Just fine as I am. Safe and emotionally distanced,which has not been the case most of my life.
What I really noticed this morning, as I hummed Johny Cash, did laundry, measured vanity heights, handles and toilets...... I have a process. I turn easily toward the paperwork and math and puzzle pieces of the unsolved problems IF I HONOR my process.
My sister use to want to shove me along her NEED TO DO IT NOW agenda. And I just shut down. Once she figured out she couldn't DO that and get the response she desired...she backed off. I stepped up. I started to set agendas and get things done,but it was a really tough time.
I used to think of my sister and mother as energy vampires,bc I would just fold.....and dissociate I realize now. They were so driven... type A's...... with good intentions,but with zero attention to my process,my needs,my feelings for so long. It was difficult to SEE it, deal with it,but we did and now I have more information about allowing myself to have my process without judgment.
All the shoulds are big red flags I'm shutting myself down by not honoring the way I need to do things.
Dropping judgment has been so helpful.
Maybe it'smy inner toddler moving through this process. I can picture myself sitting at a desk scribbing cursive eeeees over and over, pretnding to be doing business.... very busy.... so happy..... and she has things she wants to do now, so I let her double check things, touch things, enjoy things then move on to the big girl work of solving math problems and paperwork, but she can't face those things and I, apparently, am going to make peace and stop trying to force her.
Shifting my biochemistry...... returning home, again and again...not judging when I shift back into fight or flight, but just noticing and paying attention....... means I see more puzzle pieces. Means I have access to problem solving brain to fit them together and finish them...... put them away..... out of my brain so I move into new emotional landscape and possibility.
What I wasn't capable of yesterday is possible today.....and it feels like I'm a tank, turning to face whatever it is I choose to face, stay focused on, seek out to address....... and that's curious to me. Why a tank? Sort of odd,but also grounded, subtstantial....... neutral yet capable of responding, protecting, moving.
Heck, just noticing my angry inner toddler has popped up has become calm revelation. Allowing her to have a tantrum is about choosing to allow it, without judgment. I realize I have the ability to tend to her, calm her down and deal with whatever created that reactivity..... if I choose. Sometimes I do. It's about practicing, returning home, being curious and knowing the traumatic stuff requires my attention too. As difficult as it it. As painful as it can be....... the process is more familiar, I trust completely...myself....... and I know the hard stuff can be dealt with and put out of my misery if I continue trusting and returning home.
And I don't ever want to be a boss. I'm always collaborative in spirit.
That was a long post.
Amber:
I don't want to be alone, the last of my generation, all prior generations gone....me standing on my own...... the one charged with keeping the family strong and together.....the one honoring traditions......... helping everyone endure and live beyond loss of parents and uncles/aunts. That's very sad to contemplate and my inner toddler pushes it away quickly. Reactively.
Once I calm myself I see exactly how I've handled these things in the past and I trust myself to handle them, come what may..... it willbe OK. I know this.
But the toddler doesn't and so I help her feel safe and to recover. Help her trust and rest.
It's all about recognizing the reactivity, returning to myself, tending to the toddler and fear.....helping her feel secure and safe enough to rest for longer periods and trust an adult is in charge, always present.... she doensn't have to feel alone anymore. I guess at some point she'll remain at rest and won't be popping up anymore?
Not sure,but I'm curious to find out.
Lighter
