Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

So I drove  from lake to the house this morning..... oldest dd has a job interview this afternoon.  Youngest has a NRP appointment in Atlanta tomorrow, so we go right back to the lake after 5pm traffic.

Youngest dd was all over the place emotionally early in the week.  Just..... very angry at me and her sister and my workin on the lake house and the cottage and she was kicking rocks and eating bologna samiches in every direction. 

I just listened to her, let her know I heard, didn't pick up the ropes she was swatting me with.... picking fights.... just let her have them. Clearly, she told me, I'd failed as a parent. I'd screwed the pooch.... all was lost..... wasn't that just too bad my children have no discipline?  What did I think would happen to her sister's health, with the obesity?  I acknowledged her feelings without owning them or letting them rub up against my stuff....I'd done the best I could at the time.  I might do better now, surely I would, but she's a young woman now. Not a small child who's tantrums pull me off center so I wreck the car. THAT happened once, btw.  Just a little fender bender, but it used to be SO VERY LARGE...... bc my nose was on the pebble, again and again and again till my nose was never really OFF the pebble, which was ME beinng in my own way, IMO.

On the drive here I was content to drive in silence.  There was a rattling of metal in metal in the back of the truck.....
the grass is green, the sky is blue......
the pug was upset by the rattling....
the grass is green, the sky is blue, I thought again.....
someone almost swiped the car in front of me OFFthe road, but a quick swerve saved the day......
the grass is green, the sky is blue, it's God's will.....
the grass is green, the sky is blue, it's God's will.

At some point I found myself chanting God is good, the sky is green.

And there was the image of a little Buddhist monk launghing.  Not AT me, perhaps..... more with me and he was nodding, bc sometimes the sky is certainly NOTgreen and who's to say the shape of our eyes interprets the particular photons entering the atmosphere, bouncing off the grass, visible to humans among all the other colors, available to animals, but not human eyes.... what's to say what's real reality?

And that was a familiar thing, to have the monk in my headspace, traveling easily with me...... God is good, the sky is green.  I didn't miss the radio.  I didn't crave chatter or distaction.

At one point I was so still in my mind...... I feared I'd dissociated, but it wasn't that.... pretty sure.  I think it was just God is good, the sky is green.... stillness of the mind...... the quieting of chatter typically coming in from all sides, sans filters. 

God is good....... I interpret as my intention and the benign nature of the universe.  Humans come to this plane to learn lessons. 
SO.
Many.
Lessons.

Other people's lessons are not my lessons, though I didn't see that until today.

I can observe other people as they travel through their lives and lessons without allowing them inside.... touching my lessons and path.  I can decide what/who to allow in.  I don't think I understood that clearly before the little monk's laughter.

So, my intentions aren't really good. They're what they are.  They aren't bad. They're what they are. They're more or less enlightened, informed, on track with what's in front of me or......
stuck runinating on what's rattling inside, stuck in my limbic system, tapping me on the shoulder, isisting I tend to them/it/old stuff.  MY stuff.  Stuff I intend to put behind me, out of my concsious and unconscious mind, refiled in historic files..... removed, bc that's what is the best for everyone, most of all myself.  And so I will work on that, every  day, every moment I can.  In small ways.

I guess I wanted to take on ALLLL the BIG stuff IMMEDIATELY when I began T with trauma informed T. 

I, for some unfathomable reason, felt I HAD to resolve everything immediately.

The smaller lessons are what ended up creeping in, instaling new pathways, making the way for larger work.  The smaller pactices are  training the mind and biochemistry to deal with the larger things.  I see that now, where before.... it felt like little unexpected miracles I couldn't explain..... they helped me connect dots I COULDN'T connect before.  Dots appeared.  Dots connected.  Dots processed.  There was gratitude, but very little understanding as to HOW it happened.

How it happened for me was receiving information in many different ways, from different sources, in different moments leading up to the same information, presented in yet another way, so more dots popped up and slid into place.

And there are so many dots.  So much to look forward to.  I'm looking forward to noticing how I handle the drive home with all the challenging drivers learning their lessons,the traffic and the rough roads. Will I think about the radio..... think about turning it on? Will I shift my intention and NEEEEED the radio on?  Will the monk be there?  With me again?  As familiar as before?  Will the mantra pop into my head and if it does.... what will it be?  Will it be something completely different?  Will the monk be laughing with me about how unexpected and perfectly imperfect it is?  Will it lead to something I haven't noticed before?  About myself, in this moment, perfectly still and at ease?

No idea, but I'm looking forward to finding that out.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What a lovely and powerful journey, Lighter.

Being at peace, finding that inner calm.

Bravo and happy driving!

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

More and more, I think it's all those little things that are more significant and meaningful than the "heavy lifting".

[lighter]

The girl ended up banishing me to the backseat for the drive to the lake last night.

Odest dd 21 did the driving and once she realized my car IS NOT her beefier, heavier car she settled into a safer speed and I enjoyed the ride.

At a point there was a big truck on her tail, brighting her to get out of his way.  She was in the right lane, perfectly content to stay there at her speed.... about 5 miles over the speed limit.  The truck just about hit us while brighting us to get out of his way then swung around to pass, put on his r turn signal and came right at us..... intending to swipe us off the road.
 
DD19 and DD 21 were chattering like monkeys, startled.... very upset and threatened.

The monk and Iwere in the backseat.......
I said... "The guy is crazy...... we need to get away from him..."
The sky is blue, the grass is green, there are crazy people on the road with us is what I thought and I didn't register upset or a chemical dump at all.

I told DD to put a large truck between us and she did.  I went back to being calm and happy in the backseat.......
the grass is green, the sky is blue, there are crazy people on the road with us.

I was happy to see the monk returned.

Lighter

[lighter]

DD19 and I drove back home last night. Today we got up and went to 4 grocery stores looking for particular gf/organic sausages and chicken fingers.  We were having a wonderful time.... dancing and singing in the car.... we were the Gilmore Girls one minute, holding hands and making inside jokes.....
then not speaking after I went to get pickles at the last store while DD was checking out at the self check kiosk. 

Neither child liked it when I used to run and get something I forgot and left them in the check out lines to begin the check out process.
 It's a thing. It's always been a thing.

When I got back to her, DD was not OK,. but I really wanted pickles... I deserved pickles.  I eat plain protein A LOT. I know she doesn't like it when that happens, but it shouldn't ruin her day and it did today.  I COULD have just done without pickles OR pulled her along with me. We only had 4 items at check out.  I can't see what I should have done with any clarity, but I should be allowed to get pickles and dd should be OK when alone for 3 minutes at check out.  She's an adult now. 

I noticed how upset I got at her distress and I think she wanted me upset.  I breathed myself back into the moment, stopped at the Asian market and was fine by the time we got home.  She handled the frozen stuff...I handled the stuff going back to the lake.  She went to her room to "lie down" and I set about making lunch for myself.

The thing is.... we were going to enjoy a Poke Bowl after shopping.... we got a buy one get half off the second bowl coupon on our grocery receipt!  It was supposed to be grand.... the day was going SO well, but that one thing ruined it for her and so she ruined it for me...... no shared lunch.  No food for her and she knows it upsets me when she doesn't each, bc eating disorder. No continued shared joy.... I'd ruined it.  Or she ruined it. We ruined it?

I just had to let it go. 

I ate at home with the back door open to the rain..... the fairy lights on, as it was dark and stormy overcast outside..... made an amazing cup of coffee..... put on a pot of homeade bone broth matzo ball soup we intended to share this evening and I checked messages here while I ate.  I was fine. I was happy and mabe DD needed to punish me, but that's her stuff.  Not mine.  Not today, anyway.  I enjoyed turkey.... and pickles.

::nodding::.

At some point, I hope both girls recognize there's choice between a wrecked moment/hour/day and pulling it out of a ditch to continue having a serene moment/hour/day. 

I wasn't going to remain in the ditch with DD19 today.  It felt like my wheels dropped into a familiar rut and it felt very bad.  Very sad.

Breathing restored my ability to pull my wheels out of the ditch.  Get on the newer pathways.... I've been building them.  They're in place.  Such a relief.

HUGE moments.

Lighter

[lighter]

Another thought, about the pickles thing......
is my reactivity around DD19's reactivity.  I might have transferred groceries, got into my car and headed back to the lake, but that would have felt like a retaliatory action.

Just going back to the day I was having, with or without her, was the right thing to do.  I'm glad I resisted the urge to be defensive or offensive.  To react.

DD19 has an ED T and a regular T she really likes. It's her work to do. There's healthy food in the house.  She has to choose it, prepare it and eat it for herself. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

WOW, Lighter.
That sounded to me like a very sane and serene and wise and adult reaction to a very triggering old routine. You didn't take the bait.

Just reading about the back door open to the rain and the fairy lights and your calm reminders to yourself about what is D's work and what is yours, lowered my BP.

Good for you.

Now I want a pickle.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:
I went to Lowe's around 7pm.  DD made herself dinner while I was gone.  Not sure if she waited till I left or not.

When I came home she emptied the dishwasher, without my asking, as I ate dinner. We chatted happily.  It felt normal again, so I didn't bring up the control drama, as I saw it.

As I saw it ...
see it.....
I'm done with them.  I'd like to understand them better.  Perhaps hear interpretations from the people performing them in my life, but I have no expectations or need.  Just curiosity.  Are they aware of these patterns?  Is this what they want more if in their lives? 

It's a relief to STOP running around, attempting to make everyone ok around me.  To put it down.  Be ok with making myself comfortable/happy/ok, sans guilt.  Revelation, really.

It's what's peeking out from behind the reactivity.

DD seems ok today, although she's a bit critical of me, again.  I just keep going, having my day, cooking lovely brunch, let DD take and eat what she wants or not.  She ate 2/3 of her plate then accused me of adding the portion she didn't remember not eating.  ::Uncrossing eyes::.
She's not in a great place.  It comes out all over the place. 

Again..... I'm experiencing relief as I notice I have choices around her distress.  To enter it with her, or remain above it.  Above means I'm more responsive, able, capable, available to support myself and sometimes DD, if it's appropriate.  If she's open to it.  When she's very sharp and prickly.... critical of me....I veer off.  Give her space.  I say what I feel, listen to her feelings then put it down when nothing productive is likely.  We disagree and that's ok too.

I'm unsure how to talk about the patterns, but will get easier as I continue to see it without anger/shame/neeeeed and reactivity, in general.

Speaking with compassion is a goal focusing my attention on the spaces where snark and defensive language used to live in my life.

Lighter







Lighter

[Hopalong]

Double wow.

How I wish I'd gotten there with my D.
It's great to read how it is working for you and how it feels to be in control of yourself.

Perception enacted in the present.

BRAVO.

[lighter]

Hops:

Schools should teach healthy boundaries and logical consequences from K up, IMO.

Control comes and goes.  I

t comes and goes.

Lighter

[lighter]

The monk has a message lately... it keeps popping up.  He keeps laughing with a good nature.....

He's amused.

The monk wants me to see what comes next....to shift my focus beyond my experience of trusting I'll feel happy to feel the sun on my face again. It happens again and again and I don't question it anymore.... but I do focus on it. 

The monk wants me to know....
I'm also the sunshine.


Lighter

[lighter]

My nextdoor neighbors recently lost a 30yo unvaccinated grandson to Covid.
Yesterday their son, in his 40's and very robust in appearance, was found deceased in his bed.  I believe it's assumed his diabetes was the problem..... and.... DD21 did his eye exam about 3 weeks ago.... said he was having trouble with his vision.  I don't think she knew he was diabetic. 

The retired nurse neighbor is not OK.  She was very close to the son.  I'm sandwiched between these neighbors and....
feeling the need to DO something while also needing to pick DD21 up from the lake..... and a gazillion sticks from the yard, bc storms.  Typically the retired nurse marshalls everyone around and tells us what to do..... comes up with a plan of assistance.... collects money..... sends gift cards...... but she's silent right now. Her trash cans are where I left them.... in the wrong place. 

I'm not IN the sadness with them, though I had a wicked mood hit me last night.... just a very dark place and I could SEE myself there. I think it was easier than getting sad, frankly. I'm up for DOING something, then putting that story on the shelf,. bc that couple already deal with debilitating health problems and now this.

There's a brand new grandchild to soothe them.  The adore their children and grandchildren. Such nice people. 

So..... I'll feed them.  She's diabetic and has terrible arthritis, so..... gf, sf..... no nightshades.  I know the drill. 
There will be dairy.
Comforting, cheesy dairy.
::nodding::.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What a horrible tragedy...a son and a grandson.
I feel for your neighbor, Lighter.

I can't imagine how deeply the vibration of loss is shaking her through.

So sorry,
Hops

[lighter]

Back at the lake and having somewhat serious thoughts about DD21's place on the Spectrum.  She's allowed the 2 mostly empty food containers from a BBQ dinner to sit on the counter, unchecked, which was really good news for the fruit flys and whatever gang'omaggots are consequently involved in their struggle to be birthed beneath the containers... a few are crawling.  Not many, but....maggots.  OMG.

::scratch scratch::.

I would not say the odor is death, but it's a type of death scent as one of those containers is more productive than the other. The trash was surprisingly not stinky.  My questions is..... when she noticed I didn't come right back that night or the next morning, bc Covid scare and storms, why didn't she dump the food containers and maybe take out the trash at some point.  She mentioned the fruit flys and the containers in a phone conversation with me.  I said.....
"throw them into the trash and throw it in the dumpster."  The dumpster is 5 feet from the house.   Note, these containers were on the counter where food prep doesn't take place, but...... she had to be bothered by them when using the sink and WAS bothered.  I don't get it,bc my spirit couldn't think or do anything else till the bug killing ritual ended 1o minutes after walking into the kitchen after first thowing the food containers into the trash, finding an airtight container to dispose of whatever I bagged and killed off the counter and emptied the plastic wrap around the fruit fly trap I'd set containing apple cider vinegar and dish soap, which caught nothing, outside 4 or 5 curiouis fruit flys trapping themselves under the outside of the cup and plastic.   Trash in dumpster. 
::dusting off hands::.
ALL flys and what'not gone, which is surprising. It's almost like they weren't used to normal human interactions, which they weren't.  Like shooting flys in a barrel.  It was a very active 5 minutes in that corner of the kitchen.  YES, alcohol was involved. I prefer the 90%, but not that picky anymore.

It's likely OCD and I supposes there's stimming involved in that too.  Not that I muust label everything, but I do wonder about my children's mental health at times like these.   I was rushing to get OUT the door with younger dd, bc she'd been patient about waiting to go back home after Atlanta appointment.  I cleaned the kitchen up to the point of those containers. 

Anyway, DD19 calls me out whenever she feels I'm verbally stimming..... usually talking or singing..... there are outbursts, you see.  Sometimes thoughts strung together rapidly........"Did that guy just burp in that song,did he go urrrrp in that song, like... urrrp.... , Bones bones bones, let me see your bones..." which are all lyrics, or assumed lyrics from songs, but they're piled up together, particularly when I'm moving and shaking busily,I've noticed.  DD, spending so much time with me, has noticed too. I'm not bugged by it. Sometimes, she is.

This doesn't mean we're for sure on the spectrum...stimming is something we all do, apparently, more or less of.  I think more in our family.  Both girls do thigs to their toes and nails that bring forth blood, for instance. My brother and uncle on maternal side clear their throats repetitively.  My mother used to thrust her head forward, like a chicken, but her mother corrected it. Maternal Grandfather would open his mouth wide repetitively.  I shift uncomfortably in my bra, bc it doesn't sit just right on my rib cage..... this is something my SF always pointed out, along with table manners he found lacking.   

WHO CAN EAT LIKE A VICTORIAN and enjoy a bite of food? SF and I had  more conversations about how one holds their fork and knife...... he referred to European style..... I guess... then sneered even his relatives coming from Europe didn't do it, like it was akin to farting at the dinner table and I HOLD fork and knife that way, daughters both hold theirs that way and I'm pretty sure I picked that habit up from another snooty snob at the dinner table while in my 20s.  Which snooty snob to obey? Hmmmmmm. 

I'm afraid, gentleman, neither.  We enjoy food THIS way and so we did, until SF was pitiful underweight and struggling after mom died and so began holding our forks and knifes so we would't dsitract him during what we considered last meals with him,bc we loved him and wanted him to express joy and happiness, whch we strove hard to cultivate with him at meal time,bc we're nice people.  I didn't have to tell the girls, btw. We simply discussed his odd enduring habit on every drive and it happened spontaneously at a buffet lunch we found particularly upsetting, bc SF enjoyed the sad sad thing SO much and knew everyone working there by heart and behaved like the Mayor of cheap Chinese food establishment, which used to feel like he was a Senator in the world of 5 Star restaurants and business,  but had just collapsed into his struggling to walk or stand steady...... dignity kept rising up.  It was valiant, honestly.  I guess the girls were about 13yo and 15yo when it began and that struggle with table manners stopped.  What does that say about something persisting?  Resisting and persisting. Oldest DD, to this day, refuses to follow ANY table manners, bc....ODD.  She simply can't make sense of the elbows and knapkin in lap, where to place your utensils while resting between bites and at the end of the meal.... stuff.  Note, when we're in public, and she has both elbows on the table, the only thing I say is..... Grandma is having a cow, right now.  We laugh and it's not a big deal, but... those elbows on the table are bugging me.

I'm continuing the OCD cleaning of bedding and countertops and pug....shhhhh..... she's comfortably napping now, so don't give away my position. 
Soooooon.
::rubbing my paws together::..
Very soon.

Lighter

[lighter]

While washing mashine runs..... I was having a thought about intentions and freeing up internal space.

When I was in my early twenties and driving in Atlanta traffic daily, I knew enough to dismiss crazy drivers, ask myself what was causing them to have such a bad day, be grateful I was having a better day, then go on with my day..... no reactivity.

I did it with upsetting waitstaff and people at work.

Now, it seems like I had to learn that lesson again an again, bc the years have presented me with new challenges knocking me off my center and into fight or flight.  I had to learn about fight for flight, the biology and neurobiology behind it.....but did I?  Really?

If I'd cultivated that curiosity, the ability to ask why, instead of assigning intention, would I have skipped over all the trauma and pulling things back on track?

Something to think about going forward.... about intention in the present and how to stay on track. It would be magical to just NOT veer into fight or flight mode..... ever. And...if we did.....as a society.... would it shut down Western medicine as it is today?

Is THAT the reason we aren't teaching this stuff to our children in public schools?  We know better.  Why arent we doing better?  Teaching our children to do better?

There's a reason and I don't think I'll appreciate the answers.

Lighter