Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on December 16, 2019, 05:58:59 PM ---Now I REALLY want to experience Reiki. I didn't see T last week. Forgot she had a retreat. I'm asking this week; )
Tupp, as I moved through my morning ablutions I thought about how my days are different since beginning T.
I noticed zero emotional charge when I moved a file off my bed. Normally, there's a chemical dump, and that sets the tone for the rest of my day. I could have been touching a spoon or laundry... just nothing. It was great!
Writing about it now, I think of it as shuffling a huge deck of cards, pulling out jokers as I go.... with the goal of removing all the jokers. The jokers aren't good or bad. They're just not necessary for the games I want to play now.
I needed those jokers for games I used to pay. They aren't good or bad. They no longer serve. The jokers are unprocessed memories, sensations and emotions... stories I guess, and it's just time for them to go.
OK... I'm going to deliver rambutans to the boy recovering from leukemia... 3 flats, his favorites, yum! This is a miracle, and we're so grateful he's responding to treatment in the best possible way: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
That is really good news, Lighter, both about little man (what a lovely thing over Christmas. I hope he really enjoys himself and that the treatments aren't making him too unwell to have fun) and about the file. The Joker analogy is a good one, slinging out the nonsensical, unnecessary and just holding on to the things that are useful. Really happy to read that xx
lighter:
Hi, Tupp:
The little man was home from school, in discomfort from freshly installed port in his chest. He didn't notice the rambutans, but he will; )
I didn't realize he's in for 3 years of chemo.... the father said it's WEEKLY chemo. That's 3 hours on the road IF traffic is perfect then add the treatment and wait times.... just daunting. I had no idea.
I the meantime, he has a new puppy... white with big black symmetrical inkspot marks that make him look like a wonderful Rorschach test... with one black spotted eye. Just lovely, and he has 3 flats of rambutans under the Christmas tree.
Lighter
lighter:
OK. My appointment with T didn't go as planned today. We were going to do work around the initial assault against me by ASDPD N stbx husband, the sound of oldest dd calling out for me, feeling I was going to die and the helplessness feeling of being at the mercy of someone I didn't recognize, and who was cutting off my air, then ripping my hair out with hatred in his eyes... feeling at the mercy of the legal system, the law enforcement agencies, my own attorneys, and the people AROUND me who could stand up for me, help protect me, but didn't in many cases, or actually worked to put me in prison.... shocking, but not at all upsetting to think about now.
Wow. Not even a blip.
Turned out the calm I've been experiencing has become an enduring calm. T said my primitive nervous system re set itself. We discussed this from many angles... many different spiritual POVs, neuroscience POV.... lots of discussion around it. Very interesting. Everyone's journey will be their own. Everyone will require pieces of a puzzle presented in the way they need to receive it. This made profound sense to me.
T said the changes are permanent, and wiring into my brain as we spoke. My gray matter is changing. The more I practice, the more insight will come..... she calls the insight "fruits and flowers."
I'm a believer, and then I brought up the two discussions I'd had with my Martial Arts instructor just before this amazing shift.
T said that yoga, and martial arts are 90% spiritual work, mindfulness, and being present, and 10% or less physical action. She experiences breakthroughs during yoga, and isn't surprised to hear I'd practiced martial arts with single-minded purpose for many years.
And then I told her about a dream I had about my Martial Arts instructor a day or two after the shift.
I lived in a cool apartment... old moldings, high ceilings, neutral... restful lived in well loved spaces... and Martial Arts Instructor (F) was visiting with me. We were chatting, and enjoying each others company, like old times... very engaged as we'd been during our phone calls and I was so looking forward to a longer visit with him.
I turned to youngest dd's bf and told him we needed to get to school.. chop chop. He looked down, snurled up his face and whined he was very high... too high to go to school. I noticed dd standing nearby, quiet..... not speaking... then I looked back at F to check back in, and let him know when I'd be back, but he was already gone, and he'd taken his red suitcase, but left his red purse behind, which upset me very much.
I grabbed the purse and set off after to him... to catch him, and give him back his purse but the staircase was full of people. With my hand on the post, my feet raised up and floated. I noticed this and released my grip on the post.... and continued rising up until I was up against the wall, near the ceiling with a view of everything around me. It was nice, and i woke up having never caught MAI.
I looked up the floating bit at a site called Dream Bible: To dream of yourself floating in the air represents the feelings about yourself being incredible or doing noticeably incredible things. Feeling safe that people can't oust you or outsmart you. Living in stasis with a higher level of achievement.
THIS FEELS SO RIGHT FOR ME NOW!
T talked about the color red, associated with the Root Chakra symbolizing energy, courage, action, physical and emotional survival.... passion.... strength... confidence... security, grounding spiritual effects, etc.
She thought the red luggage was F's connectedness with spirituality and felt he'd gifted a female version to me, in the form of the red purse. T felt I tried to give it back to him, but he wanted me to have it, and the floating was my acceptance and gratitude, spiritual/angle view of the world. Certainly, F wasn't the sort to carry a tailored 1950's bright red purse; )
OK, I have this family trip coming up. T talked about things that might be difficult to handle, and everything came back to the practice.... breathwork.... noticing what's around me... the somatic sensations.
She invited me to pay attention to where I feel the ME part of myself lives. In the head, the chest, outside me? I promised I'd spend time tending to that. I love stretching and working out with sun warmed muscles, so that will happen at the beach without thinking about it. There's a lot of flow going on for me right now. Intuition is in charge. Sometimes I'm done with something before I notice it needs doing. Sometimes I SEE something I've walked by 100 times I wouldn't have walked by 15 years ago.... it's just different, and I feel very alone in my head... meaning the judgments of others have evaporated, and there's peace and clarity and knowing left... it's marvelous: )
I told her I was surprised to wake up feeling different, when the shift happened. I'd had no idea what I would experience as I set to working on feeling better....
honestly... what is it we think will happen as we work toward that kind of goal? I guess to feel better in increments. That's not how this happened, which is to say... that's how it happened when I was just coping. There were increments, and accompanying periods of adjustment that wasn't always comfortable. This just WAS..... a switch flipped to ON... I'm thinking in my sleep. No hangover or adjustment period. Just noticing, and relief.
This is confusing for me, and I'm back to the face on the glass example for how it felt to cope and try to feel better... to work on feeling better... to practice mindfulness as a coping strategy, and thinking about relieving stress in the brain so the brain could finish processing things that were really stuck, keeping me focused on the trauma stuff.... like a parade of toddler need swirling around my head all day, every day. Once that processed, it freed up processing space for what's here, in front of me. I practiced, and felt better, but it came and went.
I didn't notice the shift. I noticed feeling better in her office while we practiced and worked together bc we'd put numbers on the sensations all during the practice. It was just practice, and I'm still practicing, but something came of the practice that wasn't there, and I think I'm just happily surprised that what I'd been told would happen HAPPENED.
I told her it felt like I passed through the glass... like a membrane I didn't realize I could pass through.... it was a surprise. Another surprise. POV from the side of the glass where I was coping, and slogging along with my brain bogged down. The side of the glass where I could SEE the truth of what was, and is.... without the emotional toddlers clanging for attention. Tending to them meant I could pass through the glass... like a cell wall.... bc everything that needed to align... aligned. Just like in a cell..... so many things have to happen for a synapse to take place. It's a miracle every time, IMO. That's how this feels.
She said I'd been diligently pulling weeds in my garden, and found a flower had grown in place of the weeds. I wish I'd had some idea what it was I was striving for. I feel like I missed something then find myself sitting in the middle of it.
She explained the knowing... the enlightenment.... is sort of like doing martial arts. You go straight to the truth. The Buddha knew about atoms and cells before science could prove they existed... he could just see that truth in the body.
Cut.
That's what enlightenment is..... cutting straight to the truth.... not messing with the difficult emotions around setting boundaries, or judgment, or thoughts about the past or future..... we just go straight to what is, and leave out what is not. Life is simpler with this POV.
She said that the work takes place when we feel safe enough and at some point the scales tipped, and my brain re set itself in a millisecond. No whistles or bells, or band playing.
I'm noticing my body hasn't quite "remembered" what it once knew. I experience some muscle memory that includes moving too fast, in old hurried ways I'm surprised to notice.
Sometimes I notice a little flutter in my chest, the beginnings of old anxiety, but then it stops. Like it's an old pathway remembering it used to be online, then remembering it's not anymore. Or like it tries to start up, but doesn't have the energy to. T said that's normal, and the mind heals itself. It will stop eventually.
I'll just keep practicing, being mindful, and picturing energetic cords cut with a sword... I do that every day... many times a day. Front, back, top and bottom. I believe; )
That's my update, and I'll probably rewrite this later. I admire Hops' skill with the written word at times like this.
Lighter
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on October 31, 2019, 05:39:15 AM ---
I have had interesting chats with the acupuncturist guy about all these sorts of things and I do think some people's brains are just wired differently and function better in different ways. We were talking about that thing about acceptance - just accepting the situation you're in and not fighting against it. But I immediately think of all the injustice and inequality that I think we should fight hard not to accept and to just go with. So for me I kind of take what I want from these things now and leave the bits that don't work for me. At the minute I'm finding it easier to cope with stress because I can channel my anger or frustration or whatever into moving and/or setting up some work from home. I have another goal to work towards, which helps me cope. Before I felt like whatever I did drilled me deeper into the pit and if I focused on that I just fell in a bit more. So I have no idea why it helps some people and not others :) But just wanted you to know you're not the only one it doesn't work miracles for :) Lol xx
--- End quote ---
About meditation "not working" for some. I tried it years ago.
I couldn't DO it.
I did it with this new T, and it was imperfect, handholding, frustration..... but it moved into other things... unexpected things, though I'd have difficulty saying what exactly I expected.
Those things didn't necessarily feel great, bc inevitably I would backslide, and feel as though I HAD THE TOOLS, but still failed, which honestly.... was worse than not being able to feel better all on my own, IME. Oh sweet, sweet compassion, and nonjudgmental focus... you're so very elusive. With practice.... less and less elusive, IME.
And the places we get trapped... the spiraling... the sinking deeper unable to get out of the hole..... THAT'S A PHYSICAL THING. That's not about how we're coping, or managing our emotions.... it's about our biology, and pathways... blood and energy.... fat and reactivity. Heavily traveled pathways are covered in fat... they're lightening fast.... we can't catch things... we have to dig our way out, and that's a process. Different for everyone, but now I see... possible. It's possible.
And this isn't about learning to mitigate and heal and feel better..... it's altogether different in experience, which was a huge surprise for me.
It's finding a way to feel safe long enough to relieve tension in our brains so our brains can get on with what they're great at.... processing. The brain wants to process. It's easy, and amazing, and happens without thought IF we can remove the blocks.... the stuck, unprocessed emotions and sensations living INSIDE our brains, ambushing us when triggered, and that's just a fact as I've experienced it.
If I looked at all the meditation I've done, which isn't a lot to be frank, I can honestly say I don't feel like I've meditated in the way I thought it had to be done to BE meditation. I haven't attended seminars, Hops, but meditation isn't what I thought it was going to be. My expectations were off. My belief system became very negative around it, and I was triggered by the very word "meditation." That's where I was when I began seeing this T. I forgot about that. Hmph. I asked her not to use the word, and so sometimes I don't know exactly what she calls what while we're doing it. She hasn't used that word since the day I met her. She had to tiptoe around my belief, and negativity, and resistance, and tiptoe she did. She's really amazing at it, and I trust her 100%.... even if she says something that used to rub against my biases.... I trust. I let it be. I embrace, and fearlessly lean in.... I don't care what I look like, or how I sound... well... I have a very difficult time just crying... I do stuff that down, still, but.... I'm leaning hard, and picking up bits and pieces as I go. Trying to internalize, and feeling so much better makes it easier. I see solutions, and creativity invites expanded possibilities.
I'm not great at sitting down and going through specific meditations on my own, which was homework. I sort of... don't. I tried. I never warmed to anything in particular and made it habit though. What I DO is remember to breathe correctly, and notice what's going on inside. I picture a sword cutting energetic cords daily, and I try to remember exactly what the difference IS between this amazing KNOWING/REMEMBERING the truth, and not knowing/remembering the truth.
It wasn't a gradual thing... it was working on paperwork with the T and BAM, paperwork wasn't emotionally charged anymore.
It wasn't walking around feeling in the zone all the time so much as working on breathe and meditation in the T's office, with particular focus on my peripheral vision, then BAM. All a sudden I noticed peripheral vision again after never realize it was gone. I guess I felt better.... I can't remember how or what happened before. I hope I wrote down enough to remember.
It's like peeling off layers of stress, and trauma.... giving my brain a break..... then moving into trust. And the ON OFF switch flipped. Whatever that really is.... the primitive brain resetting. I can feel that truth. Reducing stress, specifically, in areas with the most stress... one by one. It's a job, not "practicing meditation." It's more than that, at least for me.
It's like peeling an old bandaid off a wound that's had plenty of time to heal, but hasn't bc there's still a splinter or piece of metal or bone shard in there wiggling around.... creating inflammation, and pain, and infection.... asking for attention. The brain and body send signals. We treat them like THE problem, and we treat those symptoms.... doctors give us pills, and tonics.... exercises, and surgeries. We treat the symptoms and fail to hear the message. We fail to identify the cause, and tend to it, IME.
With the EMDR, or whatever is working for you or me... I've started re reading this thread, and I honestly don't remember much of what happened in the T's office.
So you/we breathe on our own, pat shoulders like soothing a baby, or do EMDR with a T, or whatever makes sense and we do it until it stops making sense or we lose faith or we get bored, or we feel better.
As specific stress falls away... healed... gone... processed and filed away in historic files where they should have gone years ago..... the brain starts REMEMBERING how to process again. The primitive brain resets itself.... sort of like magic. SWITCHES ON, or OVER whatever it needed to do... it does. Those pathways, long shut down, ARE PROCESSING again. The switch has been thrown.
The processing is possible bc of the work... outside the office and in the office.... I can't tell you how much soothing and calming we practiced in the office with the somatic experience...... it's a physical action.... finding the stress, engaging it, inviting it to be present and we're present with it.... calming it, reducing it..... relieving stress in the brain and body.... it's not just meditating, or feeling better bc of meditation, IME.
There's identifying a wound through a story.
Lifting the bandaid to identify the wound's size, shape, depth, pain/pressure is it burning, or throbbing, where exactly is it? We expand our vision out and notice colors and shapes, then peripherally what's there.... and we drop the story, and go back into the somatic experience... exactly what do we feel? Where? WHat does it feel like? Put a number on it. Work on with breathing or EMDR (which we can do for ourselves, by ourselves) and we check to see if it's improving. If so, we continue on. Where does it feel? How? Put a number on it. Breathe or do EMDR around it until there's no more improvement or we have a 0 around the sensations.
I'm writing this out bc I'm having a hard time remembering what to do. I'm very calm, but I'll be stressed at some point very soon, and I want to have a plan. I re-read this thread to remember what worked... what worked best..... I can honestly say that "meditation" isn't what I've been DOING recently. Not as I understand meditation, but I do remember to breathe mindfully daily... just not the way I believe most people "practice." And that's OK. I just don't want anyone to confuse what SHOULD happen with what can or might or will or could happen, bc I don't think it's what we expect it to be, IME. And maybe giving up all expectations is better? I can honestly say I focused so hard on the DOING, I might have given up expectations... in a way the practice reminds me very much of martial arts.... learning how to drop what I WANT, and pick up what is being offered... something completely outside my comfort zone. New. Unknown to me. Maybe, just maybe, my martial arts background helped move this process more quickly than if I didn't have that muscle memory,brain body experience.
I tried "meditation" years ago, and bc I didn't know how to apply it, or what I was specifically trying to achieve..... I never shifted OUT of my survival brain... I was living in my amygdala, and that's where I sat for years. I moved past that with the martial arts, and I applied myself hours every week.... sometimes 10 hours a week.... always 6 minimum, with practice at home.
Meditation didn't fail me. I just didn't have the direction I had with martial arts... the instruction, and practice and hours invested.
My inability to understand it, and incorporate what it offered IN ORDER TO shift into non judgmental focus....to notice what was going on INSIDE my body.... exactly. Name it. Put my hands on it. Put story on the shelf, and breathe INTO the feelings.... put a number on it..... breathe through it some more... focused gently.... focused completely..... breathing..... check it again for a number.
Was missing.
THESE steps aren't what I thought of as meditation. This is activity. This is a physical enjoinment of brain and body..... of intention and action.... of DOING, and not doing... of dropping and picking up..... mindfully..... dropping judgment.. picking up ONLY the sensations, and focusing on them solely.... and there are so many parts and pieces to this. This is not sitting down, and shutting up, which was the name of the book F gave me to read on learning to meditate. Written by a punk rock monk... I think. NOT what I needed at that time.
Shifting, when we CAN'T FOCUS on ANYTHING but the distress and frustration of failure.....
to recognize it, not fall deeper into the pit, but CHOOSE something else....
to shift to ONE PLACE IN THE BODY where we feel at ease. I couldn't remember to do that when I was spiraling, on my own.
Choosing to focus where there's no stress in the body... on a leg muscle? Is it the feet? The shins? FOCUS on THAT, with mindful breathing, and if we can't DO THAT we shift to DOING something physical to give the survival brain SOMETHING TO DO with all those chemicals it's shooting, and barfing up.... in the moment bc it believes we're not going to be OK if we aren't acting to save ourselves... we're IN DANGER and that's true for our brain..... we're THERE, in danger.
So we do, and do and do... push on walls, or walk backwards around a trashcan and breathe and DO DO DO, and breathe, then check the distress again. IS it better? By how much? Do we need to push some more? No? How about patting the shoulders, like soothing a baby, one at a time... while breathing?
THIS isn't what I always pictured meditation BEING.... THIS isn't my idea of what meditation was supposed TO BE in any way. I think it's misleading, and difficult to explain all at once. Maybe impossible to explain.
It's more than just meditation. It's more, and it's many moving parts, and things fit together, things come apart, and assist and flow.... it wasn't fair to expect myself to move myself OUT of the primitive nervous system on my own, or with a bit of sitting and breathing, bc it wasn't going to happen that way FOR ME. I think it does happen for others, but it wasn't my way, and it's apparently not your way, Tupp and Hops.
I'm here to say there's so much more than sitting and breathing, and working through meditations in our heads. There's so much out there.... we can tailor it or ask for help discovering what might work best for us. EMDR... can't say enough good things about it. Memory Reconsolidation (MR) AMAZING stuff. Real, and viscerally effective.... SWITCH ON... SWITCH OFF. Lasting relief.
It's penetrating the membrane, and SEEING the truth... without everyone else's stuff getting in the way. It's new sight, evaporated judgments and belief systems installed years ago..... by self and others.... just POOF. Gone.
It's a switch ON or OFF.
I have a splendid pork roast in the oven smelling of caramelized garlic, onions, Cuban spices and roasting meat..... sorry Hops... but it's amazing. Rice and beans, and thin sliced sweet onions covered in fresh lemon juice and oregano, waiting for a hot oil bath to set them sizzling... still crunchy but bursting with lemon flavor. SO good.
I have a better understanding of my homework... figuring out and familiarizing myself completely with the things that work for me... have worked, then pulling them out of my toolbox when I'm stressed... consistently..... just for ease of use, and economy of motion, bc that's smart, and work well worth the time.
I still feel like I'm cheating... not practicing the meditations as the T would have loved to have me practice them. I do what I remember, is what happens. I'm going to expand my memories, and really put some of these practices in place. Right now they all run together, or I forget important things, or forget entire practices, and I can change that.
What I CAN do is improve my ability to respond. A simple truth. So satisfying to write this all out, and come to this sentence.
I'm smiling happily as I write this..... I feel empowered, and.... I feel enough.
::nodding::.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on December 18, 2019, 10:19:27 AM ---Hi, Tupp:
The little man was home from school, in discomfort from freshly installed port in his chest. He didn't notice the rambutans, but he will; )
I didn't realize he's in for 3 years of chemo.... the father said it's WEEKLY chemo. That's 3 hours on the road IF traffic is perfect then add the treatment and wait times.... just daunting. I had no idea.
I the meantime, he has a new puppy... white with big black symmetrical inkspot marks that make him look like a wonderful Rorschach test... with one black spotted eye. Just lovely, and he has 3 flats of rambutans under the Christmas tree.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Oh, Lighter, a puppy! Nothing better to cheer you up than a puppy :) 3 years is a horribly long time but I'm glad he's getting along with it and I hope that they can all get through it as best they can. Hard times but also a situation that you just can't avoid or not do. Very difficult. I'm sure he'll love the rambutans :) I'll reply to your other posts a bit later, there was so much in them I want to absorb it all some more and think - the description of what your ex did to you is so vivid and makes me want to jump in between him and you. Can only offer a big cyber hug ((((((((((((((((((((Lighter )))))))))))))))))))))))))))) xx
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version