Today's T session was rather flat...... I think all the work we've done lead to my figuring out the parts and peices of the things we worked on.....and I saw my ASPD h as a human being.... a wounded child...... a desperate person lashing out wildly, destroying his own life as he took me down with him and our children...... and ASPD didn't think he had choices. That just taken the emotional charge to zero without actually processing the things I used to be overwhelmed and triggered by.... the work we've been doing sort of worked on it while I wasn't aware.
Even a particular moment with my MIL..... her big horsey guffawing laugh at the courthouse after I'd been railroaded into making yet another deal..... brought up ZERO emotional charge and I think I was shocked. That big horsey laugh seemed like it would live in my mind... seem SO CLOSE.... in my face, for the rest of my life, but it's not.
Just gone and it was such a relief to have half our time left to mentally thrash about to identify.....
and you're going to appreciate this Hops.....
my identifying my NEED to be heard and understood (BECAUSE imo I have good intentions and want to at least be seen and heard and feel I'm understood for the facts I'm presenting) when maybe I'm not being heard and shouldn't be offering an opinion not asked for or it's just not my place to do the work of someone who's refusing to do what I feel they would insist I DO for myself in their position. It complicates things when it involves serious medical issues, bc a patient absolutely needs an advocate in the system to help them understand when they can't hear and have information fed to them when they need it to make big decisions.
This also ties into not feeling I had a voice in my FOO. And true or no..... it's going to be dealt with next week.
This brought up the brain surgery my father had that ruined his life... just dropped him in his tracks when I TOLD him it would bc I did dad's due diligence FOR HIM, but T said that's a rabbit hole........
And.... it's not about the surgery.... it's about my needing to control an outcome and control the flow of life changing information before it's too late, but then..... I end up the one being controlled, which is the definition of choosing to suffer.
So, today I had a check in with the distance and spaciousness we've created in the T's office, in my life generally, along with identifying a large blind spot so it's processed out next week.
I wonder what it will feel like to see someone running toward a cliff and my only response....
"let me know how that works out for you" being the only thing I have to say...... and feeling peace around it. I don't understand how that will work itself out of my limbic system, but I believe I can do it.
When I think about running toward a cliff..... and all the times I HAVE done it..... was committed to it...... regardless of wise words from people who had my best interst in mind...... I see this from a different POV. Maybe nothing would have stopped me and maybe no one should have tried. Maybe someone insisting their very good set of facts be heard and acknowledged would be the wrong thing for them to do.... maybe I would hate it.
On the other hand, I tend to think I'd LIKE to hear the thick and the wrong of things I'm running toward. I don't like to hear people say things they noticed BEFORE I ran off the cliff, but didn't say. I wonder why in the world they didn't just say it..... I guess bc I likely WOULD have said something, but then.....
I have time to think about this before next weeks session.
I think this touches so many things in my life. I think it will be a relief and restored freedom I can't quite puzzle out for myself,but trust will come.
Lighter
