I've waited to write this update on Therapy since I haven't practiced what I learned enough to write with much clarity.
Will put it out there anyway.
I had a rough T appt 2 weeks ago. Things lead to an experience I remembered from my childhood where a same aged little boy held down 7yo Lighter and spit in her face. My arms were pinned... I really hated that feeling of helplessness. I remember flashes of it.
I don't know why I chose to retaliate. I don't know why I chose to retaliate with a glass of water, but that's what I did. I went home, filled a large glass with water and threw it in the boy's face, basically dousing his entire front with water in the winter cold. It made sense at the time.
Later that day, the boy and his angry father knocked on our door. Not sure how it went down, but my father defended my actions and let that dad and his son know they should about face and double time away, or else. They left. I was mortified remembering it..... every piece of it is humiliating, except my father defending me.... that was a good thing.
In T's office I spent a bit of time musing about the little boy, how he was likely bullied,blah blah, but I worked through it and don't care either way now.
The important piece was what happened when the T asked if THAT incident was the earliest incident I could remember and I began babbling like the character Buddy in the movie THE GIFT. And I hated it. And stopped myself doing it.
That was the end of that appointment and we scheduled to meet in a week.....and I was NOT OK for hours afterwards.
When i went back that next week, I just jumped right into it. My Paternal Grandfather was overtly sexual and silly and innapropriate. The nice part was I didn't have to go beyond those adjectives to go into the part of my brain I needed to go in order to process and heal it, which we did.
One of the most hurtful pieces was not being protected by my parents..... and even as an adult, when my Grandfather put his hands on my entire arse in front of my adult brother and our father...... I LOOKED THOSE TWO MEN IN THE EYE and their resposnse to order me OUT of Grandpa's reach, obviously. THAT was the problem. They didn't say a word to Grandpa....nothing. Nicht. Nada. Just.... astonishingly...... I don't honestly know why that was their choice, bc Grandpa continued to be "innapropriate" for years, with us, with my brother's gf.... actually ordering her down to the dock to give grandpa a hug after grandpa had latched onto her and groped her badly at New Year's..... she knew to stay away from him and would have, but for being ordered otherwise and what the hell IS that?
I realize I don't much care, at this point. There was no protection and that was that. Whatever the resasons.
The day did come when I told grandpa he couldn't have any alcohol and he asked why. I told him why and he looked at me like I grew two heads and told me he had no idea what I was talking about..... he felt the entire world had gone mad and then my dad's caretaker joined in and began sharing moments grandpa had groped her.... and she really disliked him. Really...... and someone else jumped in too. It must have been a holiday...maybe brother's gf, but THAT was the ONLY time anyone EVER said anything to grandpa about his behavior. The men were mice in my family...... excusing grandpa's cheating on grandma....."bc grandma was sick.": Ummmm...I think that just made grandpa a larger cad, personally, but hey...... that's where I come from and who I grew up with and that gave my T a lot of insight into why I chose martial arts and training law enforcement officers and how my life went the way it did.
And so..... T introduced the idea of the Ally, saying she'd recently been introduced and found it very helpful in her healing journey.
Basically, every part and piece of us is trying to help.. The addicted, the self destructive, the wounded and the protectors..... all have good intentions.
When things feel off or whn anxiety pops up...... sit in that and find one of the pieces or parts behind it.... be that part wounded or protector.... one will present and step up over the others. That's been my experience, anyway, and they always come from the left or that's where I look when i find them. To the left.
I also find the place in my body where the anxiety or pressure or pain IS and place my left hand on it, where it remains during the AIT protocol. Lately that part has been my throat. Then we go through the AIT protocol with the other hand moving over the Crown, Third Eye, Throat, Heart/then left heart/right heart, Solar Plexus, Sacral, left crease then right at top of leg, ending with the Root Chakra.
After each pass, we shake it out and talk about what happened, then repeat till all the energy around the issue is gone.
The bottoms of my feet were tingling like crazy this time.... then my hands, which was all I felt, aside from feeling things breaking up and breaking free. We finished that session 10 minutes early and I was happy to go. I felt like something had been finished and there's zero desire to figure anything about it out or think about it any more.
OK, back to the Ally. Brining the Ally forth, after selecting one of our parts or pieces then having them step up and saying....
"I see exactly why you feel that way" or something similar that feels right to you.
The Ally stands with us, validates and supports whatever is going on...... and this is helpful in ways I'm still learning about.
Up front, it replaced the desire to receive validation/approval or understanding from whomever it is we're wishing we could have it from. HUGE, but that's not all it's good for... I know this. If it was all....it would be enough.
For the first time i can really SEE how life would have been if I'd learned to break the cycle of chain thoughts....one negative thought leading down the rabbit hole until full out survival brain is in charge. So so hard.
What would life have been if I'd taught my girls. No regret, just clarity and understanding.
Please don't copy and paste any of this post, bc it's likely I'll go back in and edit.
Tupp..... I thought about you and the chain thinking when I read your last update. SO familar to me.
Lighter
