Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
I'm thinking about how I eat lately and how difficult it is to be consistent. There are times I'm so on and eat prescrptively without trouble or much effort.
Something came up..... I read about people pleasers
making decisions to control other people's emotions.
That sort of clicked for me.
When I make less than stellar choices... I think I might be making those choices in an effort to control/sooth parts of myself intead of stopping and considering what kind of attention those parts really need. That ties into feeling hunger, when I'm not really hungry and self soothing with food.....makes SO much sense now.
My T instructed me to stop when I'm hungry and cosider if I'm really hungry or if there's something behind the hungr signal that needs attention. I didn't think of it as a wounded part of me piping up and making demands that have nothing to do with the issue. Now it makes sense.
Hopalong:
That makes so much sense to me, Lighter.
I tuned into the blindness of things like pizza cravings and especially thinking about when I was eating and stuffing myself at times during these pandemic isolation years. Finally realized I'd put on 15 pounds of self-soothing INSTEAD of actually addressing how I was feeling, which would be "self soothing" that changes something and lasts. The emotional process can hurt like hard-pressured fascia, but afterward the body is changed.
At the time, these last lonely winters, I wasn't trusting enough to reach out to friends IRL with truth -- I'm just calling because I'm lonely and anxious, got some bandwidth? (And if someone didn't I'd have been wise to remain calm and just reach out again to someone who did. Instead, I'd pull farther into myself where the loneliness lives and especially the anxiety and fed both of those too much pizza. I was identifying with my loneliness and making it part of my identity. No need to.)
In recent months, with the exercise positivity, I haven't lost weight yet (maybe 2 pounds) but I'm a little slimmer and feel fine about my body. I still hope I'll gradually drop ten pounds or so, but not more and not by being on a weight-loss diet. The only diet I'm on is food is fuel and food are nutrition, and it's just gotten a lot simpler. I don't particularly like cooking, but there are loads of frozen fruit and vegs and I've got grains and kefir and fresh farm eggs and frozen fish. No reason a singleton can't be very well nourished with simple foods like that.
Sorry for the detour ramble, but I'm happy to hear about your healing on both those levels: fascia release and food clarity. Bravo, you.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I've been slogging my way through THE DISEASE TO PLEASE by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D
and
CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCE by Darlene Lancer.
I've been going back and forth between them.... they make me very tired, truthfully.
Everything leading up to these books AND these books together has me in an existential space...... I'm still snotty and suffering a bit with a cold, but the coughs are productive now. Hopefully we can enjoy Kareoke tomorrow night.... that's the plan.
The big take away from the books......
in my case, anyway......
the PDs are a synptom of coping strategies keeping me safe as a child...strategies I mistook for WHO I AM..... and that's just not the case.
My Therapist was right when she said I needed to remember who I was before. I didn't understand it, exactly, but I believed her and just kept plugging away at it. I'll be plugging away for the rest of my life, I reckon, but it feels very inward directed now.
I don't have the desire to share and teach and bring folks along at my pace..... like I'm leaving them behind if I move forward.
I'm learning.... becoming aware of important things..... figuring out what's what.
The interesting thing is..... my girls are more i nterrested in talking about these things..... now.
I don't think I'll feel like posting as much for a while...... I have to practice this new information before sharing, me'thinks.
I recommend these books.... they're pieces of the puzzle and I was ready for these pieces: )
Lighter
lighter:
We checked in with the "part" rendering me unconscious (since I was 3yo old.) T calls her a firefighter part derailing with crisis.
I'm finally at a point I can ask parts for space and now ask them about themselves with easier curiosity.
Well, let me tell you, that little firefighter has been throwing burlap sacks over my head and snatching me out of situations for a long time without understanding my age or growing ability to self protect.
T thinks this began befire my first memory of losing consciousbess after a blood draw....I asked to see the vial, likely and the nurse helpfully shook it in my face them bam! Out like a light.
I was all Fuuuuuuuuch, this is heading back into grandpa territory, but T feels it's about young self centered mother making her needs priority while wearing her children like accccessiries....praphrasing here, but that's the long and short of it.
It's about reassuring all the wounded and protective pieces one has grown up and is competent....they're no longer alone and many have always believed they're truly alone with no acc4ss to essential self.
Inviting them to sit at the table, with us....not to banish or judge or change them....but to integrate them.
It's been very upsetting and threatening to black out....I was focused on pushing it away and certainly judged it.
Today wasn't about that, but it came up at the end of the appt. The appt was aboutthe books I'm reading and how they're changing perceptions and understanding for me partly bc I have other puzzle pieces on the board and can take that information in.
I think it would have mostly bounced off a year ago with a few loud points sticking....becoming other pieces on the board without this shift in perception bc my ability to be in my body, unswitched, is pretty consistent.
Lots of moving parts, impossible to see more than a few pieces at a time, or even one, with nose on the Pebble and that's how I experience it....
With more spaciousness and ability to process as I'm noticing thoughts opposed to following thoughts and fearing the experience in my body.....in a society where having emotions is shamed and ridiculed in favor of posturing, projecting and denying.
Ya....what a glorious Spring day it is.
Both DDs sang at Karaoke last time....lots of happy dancing. Joy was in that room.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I'm noticing thoughts opposed to following thoughts and fearing the experience in my body.....in a society where having emotions is shamed and ridiculed in favor of posturing, projecting and denying.
I'm going to need a whole new sofa to embroider this on, Lighter. Fantastic. Thanks for sharing it.
I didn't know you would pass out at the sight of blood. NO fun! But your whole description sounds gentler and less panicked. Vivid but not dramatic. As though you recognized you'd felt fear during but the fear had drained away and you were just recalling the plot. Not judging yourself for being jumpy during Jurassic Park. Bravo. You sound....oxygenated. Even YG isn't fully retriggering you.
Wowsers.
hugs
Hops
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