Thanks, Tupp.
I had a WhatsApp appointment with T this morning and she was very pleased about the blood donation experience too. It's amazing how strong our minds are and how putting the stories on the shelf frees us up.... delivers us from reactivity.
I shared some upsetting recent reactions with her.... waking at 1am feeling anxious then 3am and eating both times instead of feeling in my body.... comforting my anxiety as I would a small child... asking it if I need to do something now... like flee a burning house. If not, let it know we'll deal with it in the morning.... breathe to activate PNS parasympathetic nervous system and do what can be done, then go back to sleep.
She said it's very common to seek out dairy and ice cream.... to eat things familiar from infancy.... seeking food and safety and comfort from exterior things under stress, esp for women. The stress really shows us where those old pathways are and how strong they are.
I also have a desire to b slap a certain face when I see it on TV, which I'm avoiding like, ahem, the plague. It's still reactivity showing me where it lives in my body. I can give it attention, without judgment, and wait for what comes up around it. Breath light and spaciousness around it.
I know what it feels like to tend to the new pathways while resisting the old.. I just did it on the blood bus. It's a habit we cultivate daily and notice when stress overwhelms us or threatens to overwhelm us. Remembering to do it, when under big stress, will get easier as we cultivate new pathways daily. I know this, but the stress makes it difficult to remember.... living in the amygdala shuts down higher thinking. Is paralyzing. Breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and calms down our biology..... unhooks the alarm bells so we can think and reason... problem solve again. Center ourselves and give up expectations we can control anything outside ourselves.
There will always be chaos around us and it;s normal to want to control what we can. Learning to calm ourselves, as default setting, means we learn to live in the eye of the chaos. The collective chaos is all around us, which is more stress than normal.
T shared story of Vietnamese boat people struggling to stay alive in times of intense fear on the Sea. If everyone despaired at once, it was the end of them. If just ONE person remained centered and mindful... it was contagious... everyone calmed down.... like a chain reaction, and they survived.
If we remember we can't control anything external, make peace with that and control what we can, then give up expectations... we're centered in our bodies and the eye of the storm.
I'm reminding myself here... non-judgmental self-compassion..... curiosity..... releasing the stories we've held for so long.... tending to the physical sensations around the stress.... remember to breathe.
I'm strengthening my tomato garden with more tactile detail.... the prickly vines.... the feel of warm tomatoes..... along with the sight and smell... the sound of the bugs.... that works for me. I wonder when that will be my default: )
It's a good thing I had that appointment, bc last night was jarring.... disrupted sleep, self-defeating self-soothing activities.... difficulty overcoming reactivity. It all seems so clear when I get out of fight or flight mode.
It feels like practicing a biology hack....
a shortcut to re-centering myself, which honestly is impossible if I try to think my way out of it. I'm so grateful to have this experience and ability in my life.
Lighter
