Lately I've been aware of this phase I live in...... having it's limit. This phase will be gone soon, I can tell. Another will bein, whatever that is and it's hard to say what it will be.
I used to have a pretty good idea what the next phase would be. Larger life phases with relative KNOWNS,like.... dating and marriage and parenting and fighting the good fight and being productive and enduring and limping through holidays even if I'd lost the ability to be present and look into people's eyes and BE present, even with my chldren...... I guess being held hostage by type A personalities demanding my attention was still a thing, maybe up to 4 years ago....but that was 4 years ago.
Now is not then.
I know that in my bones. I don't fear the next phase and I honestly didn't realize that until this moment. I mean....I haven't said YES to anything, outside of doing business I felt I had to undertake, that would in any way trap or force regrets down my gullet. A couple friendships, but I haven't risked much and that was by design. People are complicated and the type As attracted to my energy are mostly trouble. I mean, who would want to BE around them.... who else besides earnest, overtly devoted, optimistic co dependents allow their boundaries to be crossed by an inch, then a foot then a yard, etc till they're in a stupid-trap hole, where "normal" people simply would allow themselves to be pushed? And allowing oneself to be driven into a hole has something to do with feeling some inaibility to act and respond to the first asaults on boundaries, which means completely screwed when sorting the HUGE transgressions and crawling out of the hole, IME.
I knew it would be what it is....... I knew I would refuse to subject myself and children to the possibility of tyranny and nut job control scenarios I was sick to death of..... forerver sick to death of, but then they still came up and I had zero to do wtih them popping up.
What's interesting, now...... is how being polite, withstanding discomfort and innapropriate behaviors is exactly what lead to the more tedious and alarming behaviors. Had I been less resilient, less able to bite my tongue, less cool and "stoic" I would have called a spade a spade, blurted out boundaries and consequences very early and made a big stinky McStink stink when a boundary was crossed. Just been..... what most PD type As ARE, IME. Ruined the vibe, shut down the flow of things and everyone's ability to pretend and continue being productive on the path we were walking together. I would have put people OFF my path without hesitating and that's pretty much the thing, isn't it?
We state boundaries and consequences so we don't have to think about it when it comes up..... we planned it out when calm and ACTING is the thing we do or don't do. That's a link in the chain of making healthy choices and enforcement, without hesitation is a really important one. I recognize it, actually, from 25 years ago. It's been a theme and maybe why I'd rather crush my ankle than try again.
It would be easier to say I'm a PD magnet, bc it's not the entire case. It's part of it, but only a fraction, IME.
And that's the dream, isn't it. How I frame the world, as it was, and maybe how it is for me now........ very different and I safer now than ever, for more than one reason, but...... I notice thinking about it borders on feelig tedious.
My inner toddler isn't having any of it, she's firm on that and she feels pretty final about it..... but I know she's not in charge any longer. I know there's another phase coming and the toddler's cross armed refusal to consider much has shifted a few isles back and she'll settle down if reassured and asked nicely, without confrontation. Lord, I think she's relieved about it and it's been a long time for her to have to worry and protect in her way. She'll relax and trust me.
I'll be interested in how I handle boundary transgressions. It will feel out of place, at first. Maybe it'll seem funny or jarring, but it's going to be fearless.... or so it seems.
I don't fear losing this phase and I always always notice when phases are about to shift....since I can remember. It used to be sad, but it's not that....not anymore. Partially, bc of the work with my T....... I rarely miss my happiest moments, bc it feels like they're still with me, unchanged, as they were and still present. What an amazing, game changing thing to feel.
And so, the next phase, whatever it is, I'll remain curious about it and trust there won't be any rabbit holes I can't handle....and that's a leap, bc I very much believed I could handle all the potential rabbit holes in my life. I always felt very strong and capable and competent.
It's difficult to overcome toxic people who lie, cheat and steal as a matter of course. Maybe bc the rules only allow the bad actors to break them..... or maybe that was just MY stuff......believing I had to follow all the rules and tell only the truth and BE judged on exactly the facts without variance while the PD lied, cheated and stole...... assaulted and I just kept toughing it out and trying to de escalate things, bc THAT was my real weakness. I don't have that weakness any longer..... it turned into something else and it's OK, whatever it was. It's not that now.
I'll be making new mistakes, thank you very much; )
Lighter
