Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I hear you, CB.

When I think about my arm, I'm reminded of a friend who fell down her starirs and did enough nerve damage to completely paralyze her arm..... it just hung there, pitifully, long enough to begin wasting away.  After many months, she began to have twitches, which the doctor said were hopeful and she felt she'd get control of her arm back, little by little.

I have complete control of my arm, no pain, except when I use ti a particular way...... it's all there, but I dinged it hard..... think abot what a little knock against the doorframe does to a funnybone.  I'm not surprised things are upset in there, but I promise to go to my favorite Sona Clinic and get it  looked at.... bc of your post.

My niece injured her wrist a couple years back and has some clicking, sort of like the clicking in my elbow.  We can't figure out what the clicking is but she did go to the hospital and her bf;s dad is a doc who watched the wrist carefully and they still don't know what the problem was, exacly. All they can say is the bone isn;t broken.  I know my bone isn't bro.....

OK, I'm going; )

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm spending more time examining my belief systems, which is easier in some areas than others, not gonna lie.

It's an excercise in being authentic....that's how it feels right now.

Yesterday my T asked me what I'd wake and do for work this morning if I could magically blink myself through training/education in any area I wanted to work in.  I said renovating properties but that just might be bc building and renovation properties is something I and my family need done.  I'm not sure if that would be my pick IF we didn't need so much of it.

My girls asswered the same question last night over dinner under cloudy skies and the greenest trees possible... such a breezy perfect evening to dine outside.
DD21 said she's considering med school again, bc the doc she works for quizzes her about eye health and care and is amazed at dd's knowledge and competency.  She enoys the attention and admiration from someone she admires.  It's nice.

Youngest dd blurted out she'd be a comedian and it made perfect sense.  She's very funny and knows it. 

The journey continues.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter (for your reply on "Anything" -- felt like I was hijacking Mouse's thread so scooted over here). I don't think I'll suspend all socializing, but a group indoors? Maybe. Depends on case counts. Not worried, still got the firepit for fall, too!

I neglected to ask you -- what was the xray result for your arm? You promised CB!

And to say, how lovely it was to read about your DDs -- the one showing such competence and a sound life dream, the other taking joy in making people laugh. That must feel sooo good.

Hope all is well. I've had a very quiet couple weeks, the estimate for the patio the only bad spot but I've made peace with it. Cancelled two vacays (a weekend to NC and a week at beach in Oct.) which hurt, but also feels responsible and necessary. I may be drawing some fractional hope from the Jan. 6 hearings, second one today at 10am. As a child post-WWII I had such faith in our nation and government (I guess because of Dad's service, memories of walking down the halls of the Pentagon with him in summers). Just seeing our adult reps present facts and evidence in a clear and somber fashion is a relief. No guarantees of anything except that one day, real history will be written with integrity by some. Went back and watched All the President's Men again and was so moved by it. Journalistic integrity and truth. (And young Robert Redford, who could help any medicine go down....).

Neighbor brought over some spare plants and put them in my planters for me, very lovely of her. This is a time of year when even from indoors, I enjoy the light very much. So golden. Deer are sleeping beside the Prius, which I enjoy too, although they'll eat everything they can reach, including planters!

Must wash birdbaths. Crows have flown elsewhere but there's still a lot of bird action here. I'm grateful for the sounds, the soft air, and all the light. Fresh eggs delivery today too.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hmmm.. I had fresh eggs delivered last night by the local tree  frogs.  There are 3 containers of tadpoles on front porch and it's odd a second round of egg laying took so many weeks... usually there are daily deposits, but not this season.  I think there's am aquatic frog or something eating the tadpoles and the tree frogs know.  I can't wait to have little tiny frogs appearing like magic.  It's like watching little fairies appear.

My arm isn't broken, just sprained badly and when you think about whacking your elbow lighty on a doorjamb, with the electric shock and pain and all that goes with... it makes sense slamming my arm onto thinly carpteted concrete from stool height would mess with an elbow.  I sprained this poor thing badly..... feel it might take another week of healing..... I think most take about a month to heal.  Mine will be about 6..... it's putting pressure on it at certain angles that still bugs me, otherwise it feels quite normal most of the time.  Trying to let it heal and not keep reinjuring it..... so difficult to do!

I've seen the accupuncturist twice and he's reduced the pain and stiffness markedly each time.  I see him again tomorrow...will try to find some way to calm myself chemically as I'll be asking him to be VERY agressive.... that means he moves the needles around which feels like having electricity shot through my pressure points and feet and who knows what as he'll also be working on shoulders. 

I took youngest dd last accupuncture appt and tht was a train wreck.... her ADD had her climbing the walls and we giggled and talked like children who honestly know better but can't help themselves. 

::shaking head::

DD said she might go back, but it's unlikely.

It's time to work on Lake House again.  I can't wait any longer and there's a hydrangia needs planting as well.  The doc prescribed compression and ice, which did help then some time with rehab center, which my nieghbor's son owns.... is just around the corner, so that's an easy piece to deal with.

Sorry your patio is problematic, but relieved you figured it out and got on with it. 

My stressed liver stopped sending itchy bumps to my skin as SOS.  I stopped the Advil and drank tons of water.... accupuncture guy S put needles in the top of my left foot to deal with that on the first appointment.

I can actually FEEL it in my left (injured) elbow when S moves needles around in my right knee.... and he goes for the painful pressure points and just explores.  The last visit he had to unhook my right claw from the chair, which clued him into the fact I'm not good with needles or the discomfort of the process.  The first time he started with my arm so I hadn't quite dug my fingernails into the chair when he moved on to the legs and feet.  He started with my feet this time.... oh.... that R knee.... the one I had ACL replacement with the scars and such..... whew boy.  It felt like he went right for the areas involved.... just freaking myself out here, so will move on.

Ahem.

To being more careful with our minds and bodies, Hops!

I'm glad you're living without fear.  I'm glad you have lovely memories with your father and faith the system eventually works, however flawed. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I've had acupuncture. Really liked the effect. Wish insurance covered it, I'd go back.

So you never got that scan? I hope all is well and it'll heal fast.

I keep wanting to challenge stuff, and probably should put a sock in it. Still:

The Lake House is standing and you don't HAVE to do anything while injured.
A hydrangea CAN be planted by someone else, rather than you while injured.

That kinda thinking. But you may be happiest with that edge of performance. I'm sure you can handle whatever you decide to put your body through.

I can't say anything useful about that, unfortunately. My body is tolerating me at the mo' and for now, feels pretty good. Not strong, but not freaking out.

Hang in and heal,
Hops

[lighter]

Got an x ray from a walk in clinic associated with the hospital run by my neighbor.  Doc said I would benefit from re hab....the retired nurse next door runs her son's 4 rehab facilities...one around the corner. I just spoke to her about that yesterday.  Such nice people.

Arm feeling normal UNTIL I apply force and that only happens bc I FEEL normal then begin moving at a more normal pace.  I'm taking it easy, stll. 

The accupuncturist I see is meant to be affordable.... sliding scale 25.00 to 45.00 a visit.  They don't ask anything except, "what do yo want to pay today?"  That's it.  They want to put health in the hands of the people, and I adore S who uses the smaller silacone covered needles on me ever since he figured out I have a thing about needles....he had to unclaw my right hand off the chair to get needles into that arm.  I'm also using Evil Bone Water, whcih smells just like maple syrup but isn't sticky.... it looks like thin brown water and evaporates quickly.... such a huge sweet smell.  S use it on his back and knee..... I want to find an essential oil to help cover that BIG smell....maybe Peppermint.  DD19 uses it on her knees.  I wonder if the more gentle treatment does as much good as the agressive treatment I used to receive,but have to tell you...... that hour in the chair has become an hour I use to meditate and relax...just a very healing environment, esp since I virtually don't feel the needles and I completely trust S.  When he started using the smaller needles I didn't understand....thought maybe there was a problem..... maybe.  All is well and I notice I'm getting better at speaking up and not making assumptions.

If hope you find a reasonable accupuncture place where you are.  Even if you go for a little while, Hops.

I'm traveling to the lake today, but returning tomorrow.  Will tidy up contractor's tools and return them to him if he doesn't have some kind of plan.  My brother thinks he might have relapsed, but I'm positive his wife never would have bought him a motorcycle if he was relapsing.  She bought it to help him heal from the debilitating high blood pressure and there it is again....
I'm a war torn giver of the benefit of the doubt.  I wonder if assuming best intentions is considered a character flaw.... I bet it is by some.

I'm taking out my willingless to continue believing in humanity..... to believe people have goodness and intengrity..... and I do. I still do, very much, I do. 

I have a guest at the cottage right now.... she's traveled there with her sister after spending a week swimming with the dolphins on the other side of the island
and
she's
lovely.

She brought tupperware to the housekeeper and flea meds to the "caretaker" and she wants to chat this evening about her thoughts on my "beautiful" cottage, which she adores.  She sent pictures and didn't waste a moment worrying or feelinng resentful when she arrived to find no handsoap in the bathroom or kitchen..... she texted and I solved it.  She couldn't access the bikes, texted and I solved it then went silent while everything else went smoothly... I mean...the power went out twice and the wate ebbs an flows, but her expectations were set and she was aware and ready and I find people who seek out THAT island are generally people who go with the flow and understand island time and flow.

I'm working on belief systems and idiot compassion and acceptance and proactivity....... which worked out very well yesterday when i ran into the Yelly Guy neighbor...... noticed there wasn't even a blip of reactivity.  I was ready to just SAY whatever needed to be said and put it all to bed... whatever needed to be said.  Honestly, I could have said anything while remaining calm and completely at ease in my body. I spoke first.... which set a super calm tone and noticed he didn't baby talk me like I was a skittish bird this time. 

He petted the pug, said he missed her and it was a normal back and forth.  I think the really messed up part for me is sending every signal and being ignored then blamed bc I didn't say "You're a married man and I am disgusted at your advances.  If you breathe the wrong way I will go to your wife and tell her what you're doing,bc she deserves better than you." Or whatever women say when they're doing what society judges they SHOULD do.  See....MY body FEEEELS throwing a chin jab while shouting NO! should be enough to make the statement.... any intention toward me is unwanted and will not be tolerated, but I don't know that "society" falls for that...seems not to, honestly.

And having come to a less reactive place, I can SEE how shoving someone aside, while making a dry comment about how THAT's never going to happen might be better...... no emotion, no energetic addition to an creepy situation, kwim?  I see that,and I've seen women flirt to the extend I'd end up flopped on my back, skirt hiked up.... or so it would seem, if I DID that, but humans are odd an ciruous beings...... just trying to figure out my stuff. 

Was discussing with youngest dd how we're both agreeable people, generally, and how it doesn't serve us...... how we can morph that into something less agreeable to find more balance and comfort...... less situations where things are awkward or mortifying. 

And....it's about balance, it truly is.

I done a ruthless clearing of my closet and did a run to Goodwill yesterday.  That's been a daunting task I just had to DO, which has kept me very busy.  I'm doing a whonky job in the entire house, really...... should just pick in area an go.... as with the closet. Works better,but I'm getting lots done so won't "turn on myself" just yet, as T says. 

Youngest dd wants me to find my style and build on it...... she encourages me to give up....stop wearing.... stop housing items of clothing from people I've loved and lost or that remind me of them.....HUGE component of my closet,btw.  Moving many items to the rag pile, where I can still touch and use those fabrics, is helpful.  I also moved some to the items I intend to cut up and use parts of on other items of clothing.  I have a jeans pattern and really good fabrics, which are impossible to find in fabric stores for some reason.... why are they so thin!?1 

Anyhoo, it's likely my moss will go natural for now.... the nectotic ring is winning and I don't have it in me to do battle this time.  The moss will be a wonderful weed barrier and friend...... she was a comfort to me when I needed her most. 

If it reaches the far side yard.... I think I'll just make a pebble meditation garden.  Something I can spray down with vinegar and blow clean.

I will plant large clumps of Hosta in my handicapped neighbor's front bed...... it has a large bald spot.... the rest is blue Hydrangeas and hosta... SO PRETTY.  She has debilitating arthritis and he has Parkinson's..... trouble walking and all that goes with it.  She's so sweet and he's lovely....... it will feel amazing to plant for them in the fall.... just 5 large clumps, me ;thinks.

I'm examining WHY I'd do that..... and I don't think it's just about people pleasing or having a "nice" persona so my community doesn't turn  on me or leave me to be preyed, which has been a HUGE factor in my life since 2006....... I didn't realize how MUCh that was front and center in my mind. 

I used to have more balance, even though I was raised without proper boundaries or didn't know what they were.....
it's that I used to be able to put boundaries  in place pretty well, but sucked at enforcing them when up against any BIG force.

Now, I can see the entire field and figure out what worked, what needs to go and what needs to be put in place....... and the truth is... I want to be connected and I want fellowship.  Choosing to connect with particular neighbors, bc they're safe and lovely and I enjoy them.... is something I can embrace without my fathers' sneery assumptions popping upto knock them aside. 

My language of love, as I'm sure I've said before, is acts of service.  My sister's is too.  Helping my brother plant an entire 18 wheeler trailer of mature plants for 18 hours, while spending 400.00 on rooting liquid, hoses, hose heads, without his asking.... is a way my sister and I extend love.  I'm not sure what my brother's language of love is...... but it's different, bc he's always said no when I've asked for help with large real Christmas trees for family gatherings.  I did it with my children, from when they were in 2nd an 4th grades. Brother says no, bc it's messy, and takes time.... fake is his idea of the right way to put up a tree and I get that....but a little help would have gone so far when I've decorated by myself for Christmas every year we spent it at the lake..... lots of decoating and enoguh fresh pine to smell like Christmas and live in our children's minds and nervous systems for a lifetime....bc it was important to me. Not important to brother and I didn't judge.... just felt a bit sad we couldn't have more connection, esp at the holidays, when honestly....s ometims he just didn't show up when we had his children for the holidays..... brother spent Christmas with estranged wife without telling us he wouldn't show up and I'm putting this here bc it's one of those things that always blindsides me as somthing I could never consider doing.... just WOULD never...... bc all the food, the Christmas, the wood splitting at that time and trying to create "holiday" with cookie baking and jostling my father's wheelchair while looking alarmed and saying "earrrrrrrrtquaaaaaake" playfully was.... Christmas.... for me.  To BE with my children..... to provide and perform acts of service...... to serve.  Do laundry, make beds and take kids on nature walks....... to ride with the kids on the 4 wheelers.   To make fires and toast marshmallows..... to make sure the kids had their favorite pies. 

And so..... I'm sussing out my programming from ME and that's a job. 

::nodding::.

DD19 and I enjoying guilty pleasure...... Amber Heard receiving justice...... while oldest dd insists she not have to listen to a word of it... just not ONE word. 

Planning to mount the roof soon.... maybe at the lake and certainly at my house.... needs cleaning so bad... gutters too.  I had a roof inspection yesterday at my home and my archetectural shingles are looking good..... just the moss I have to scrub off with a nylon brush when I'm up to it.... SUCH A STEEP ROOF.  I might actually tie myself to it this time.... just to be on he safe side.  The roof at the lake is much less steep.... the problem there is getting ONTO the roof, not staying on it.

THis is a long post, so will end with 2 sizes of tadpoles in 3 containers doing very well.  I have one fresh container with rain water from a couple days ago... will shift all tads to that IF I feel that needs to happen, but leaving them to fend for themselves as i did last year..... just waiting to see little magical fairy frogs appear and dissapear..... it's joy enough. 

BTW, the accupuncture center treats up to 10 patients at a time with a large room filled with cozy lazy boys..... S rolls around from chair to chair, people coming and going throughouot the day... so it's a special place.  You might have something similar near you... not sure but you can check.  There are 2 smaller rooms with 2 chairs only, which is where dd19 and I were treated together.  I've seen couples taken to those rooms if you want to go with a friend.  Everyone  wears masks and theres an air filter system... very fancy, like the one at my dentist office.

That's my update for now.  Feels so good to clear out.... something I need to do at the lake too. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Whole lotta whole lot!
Feel badly that I can't respond to each part but glad you wrote it all down, Lighter.

YG - sounds like calm. Hope brief civility and general avoidance work. Good job.

Service = love. That's moving and wonderful to read. May the bird of paradise land in your shrubbery. Lucky neighbors that you see how you can give them beauty.

Roof - I release my "let others do things while you're injured" idea and can tell you can't wait to risk the steep roof. This is your joy in hard physical work AND risk taking. I breathe, look on in awe, fingers crossed. (That's a good lesson for me.)

Clothing purge - SUPER kudos!!!!

Acupuncture - Not feeling a powerful wish to pursue it now. But I got to swim in a stunning place (a pal's dogsitting at a "castle" close to the mtns, and they urge her to have friends come) yesterday with a couple Covenant Group members. It was bliss. Haven't been swimming in over a year and my body was sooo happy. Still feel good, so good. She wants me to come out any time for the week. LUCKY!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

That makes perfect sense, Hops and I know you're capable of caring for and protecting little Hops and adult Hops..... no more handing forks out to zombies.  I've seen you fight and take a stand....it was glorious.

Amber.....you and B have my thoughts and prayers for the best possible outcome on Friday and beyond. 

I'll be sending healing pink light your way.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter.

First "wrinkle" showed up this morning. B had been told surgery was in Winchester - a 30 minute drive. This morning, he gets an email saying it's in Prince George's Co, MD. Which is actually located around Alexandria and DC. Hol is very fortunately available to drive... because I won't drive there anymore. Last time in the area, I'd driven my Rubicon. And people didn't seem to understand it's only slightly less dangerous than a tank. World's most aggressive and impatient drivers - and I have gotten lost EVERY time I go into that area. Which is more than slightly dangerous.

So, because of time of appt - and rush hour traffic - we'll probably have a 2 hr drive, early Friday morning and again, leaving the city afterwards. SIGH.

[Hopalong]

Y'all will make it!

Sometimes when I navigate horrible urban traffic, I decide to go Zen, not care about anything but mellow, risk-free driving decisions...and also tell myself that traffic like that is the same thing as WEATHER.

It's variable, like gusts of wind and if I'm walking, just turn the body a bit and go forward again. And particularly, try to be one minnow in the school.

I really feel for you, how loathsome it is. Hope you'll take ear buds and some kind of music or podcast that just takes you OUT of it.

So glad Hol can drive y'all and send my total best for both you and B, weathering the day.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Whew boy.... that's a lot to deal with, Amber. The change of location would be too much stress for me... .. I posted on your thread already,. but will put it here too.... maybe just spend the night near the surgery center to cut down on stress? 

OK... different topic.  Update on Yelly Guy in the hood.

Cowboy chose to share his story about his breakup with Yelly Guy. Turns out YG was showing up more often, always without invitation and staying past his welcome at the Cowboy's home.  Cowgirl was never happy to come home every day to YG, I saw that with my own eyes before I gently removed myself from that dynamic.  Cowgirl was always creeped out by YG and would run inside if she was sunbathing in the backyard when YG showed up... that sort of thing.  Very obvious and she didn't care who knew.

Everything came to a head one evening when YG was closing physical distance between his face and Cowgirl's face while trying to chat her up on the porch.....and Cowgirl retreated to the upper porch with YG following her.

Cowboy is watching this and tells YG.... "Goodnight, YG. Time for you to go home."

YG ignores Cowboy, who I know was TICKED OFF by having to say something..... and Cowboy follows YG and repeats the order to leave.  YG ignores Cowboy again and asks for cake while following Cowgirl into the house.... Cowboy follows them into the house and orders YG out of his home again. YG responds "I'm just waiting on some of Cowgirl's delicious cake."   YG laughs and makes light of the situation..... Cowboy tells YG to get his cake and leave.  Cowboy is deadly serious at this point.

Cowboy follows YG out and through the garage, at which point Cowboy says.... "YG you aren't wecome back, don't come here anymore."  YG leaves, but without apology or acknowledging he'll comply.

The next day, YG shows up to Cowboy's home with 2 six packs and the desire to laugh off the night before.  Cowboy tells him to take his beer and leave as he really isn't welcome any longer... go... don't come back."

A couple days later YG mows Cowboy's yard.  Something he began doing with a small part of my property where people walk, but I don't cultivate moss. 

Cowboy thanks YG but states, again, YG is no longer welcome in his home or on any part of his property.  Leave and don't come back."

I'm paraphrasing and leaving out details and the history I've witnessed with my own eyes and ears, but that's the short version.  I will say Cowboy looked ashamed when he related YG also spoke about all women innapropriately and it was a problem from the start. I wasn't at all surprised to hear YG talks about women like that.... including all the women in our neigborhood...my children, my sister, me, my niece, cowboy's DIL and the neigborhood wives and daughters.

I told Cowboy the short version of my story and Cowboy said he knew he was diminished by his illness and smaller and weaker than YG,but he had ways to even the playing field..... I could see he felt SO dismissed and disrespected and shamed by YG's treatment.

The conversation ended when Cowboy offered to stand beside me if YG bothered me any more and I have to tell you.... little Lighter felt the warmth of validation and noticed how important and rare it is.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

WOW. Go Cowboy.

Such straight, unambiguous, clear, direct and GORGEOUS boundary setting.
(You'd done similar but of course you're "just a girl." Aaaaarggghhh.)

That was so satisfying to read. I'm verrrrry glad you got that acknowledgement.
YG is not reading clues or worse, so narcissistic or SOMETHING f***ed up, he absolutely dismisses them.

I remember saying to M in my farewell note, "you can utterly ignore anything I say." If an adult human ever does that in a relationship with me again, I'm outta there.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Just my opinion, but ignoring/dimissing a direct request - especially in your own home - without some sort of external emergency, is a direct sign of illness or PD. People like that usually pursue that kind of self-sabotage until finally - totally isolated - they'll justify their bitter resentment by blaming everyone else.

Blech!! Not pleasant. Fortunately, most of the time, not important on the threat scale (my personal meaasurement sense). B is having his own issues with this stuff - being pestered by phone to do work he no longer does and doesn't have the tools to do since he brought them here already. Those people have been told over & over again NO and refuse to look elsewhere.

[Hopalong]

Wow. The timing. If it's okay to veer off the usual...
I just went through a massive head-butting contest with the older man who runs the weekly discussion group I've been enjoying (ages about 70-96).

He has a massive "think piece" -- a well done one -- that he wanted to present church leadership before the new minister arrives in Aug. I helped him by editing for him and brainstormed with him through a lot of it. I also edited the section he'd stuck in about two proposals that I'd already made to the board. They are "passion projects" and he didn't grasp the details and kept muddling them together. He accepted the edits and it was a good document by the time he sent it in.

Meanwhile, during the process we exchanged a lot of emails and his demands of me increased. At one point he announced that we needed a form of instant video chat or DMs and I realized I felt stressed and smothered and did NOT want to go much further. I declined his "be on call" demands and such but remained congenial and willing to answer queries, etc. Meanwhile, he was evidently deciding, all by himself, a larger plan.

Long story short, he decided that he was not going to (or able to, he's not in great health) continue to be the LEADER of this huge long-term "vision" for the church, and the initial work (which would involve hundreds of hours) had to be completed this summer, and wrote an email to the whole group (and a few others) announcing that he was stepping down and he had "passed the baton" to me and I was "in charge."

Aaacck. I nearly fell over. He never asked me, invited me to think about, or even explored the possibility that I was not ready or willing to accept the role. I emphatically do NOT want that role, and had to trail after him tactfully explaining to the group that I was NOT in charge.

He kept writing me, repeating that I WAS in charge, like it or not. I was now "the face of the project" etc etc. I replied that I did not ask for or want the role, my time and focus is limited to two sub-projects IF others volunteered to develop them with me (low expectations, btw) but I CANNOT and don't WANT to accept the baton, be the leader for the big vision he'd set out, the face of the whole big project, etc.
Meanwhile, his wife had observed: You're putting her in this position without asking her? And he'd replied: Nah it's fine, she's ready to run with it. He actually sent me that exchange!

I told him this. (My "No.")
I gracefully told the dozen or so others this.

He repeated that I was in charge, in various ways and phrasings, again and again. He finally began to CC his wife, who'd observed to him (more than once): You are not hearing her. She said she doesn't want the role. It sounds like a command. Etc.

He would say, oh my wife must be right, and then go on and say it again. It was astonishing. I finally decided that he literally couldn't hear me, and (tactfully) resigned from the group and explained in an email to him (and wife) that I wished him the very best but felt that this just wasn't going to work. I needed to create space and though I think what he does with the elders group is very wonderful and valuable, I'm going to withdraw from involvement (other than my 2 little proposals).

His reply was a whole nasty critique about how I wouldn't do what he asked (basically) and "wasn't forthcoming" and didn't "kick into gear and send him XXX" and all sorts of complaints. Then he speculated about how I don't like to work with men (???? I've loved working with many men! I just don't like domineering ones!). He compared me to Kamala Harris and kept talking about how the church is "run by women" and wound up with something about the plight of "straight white men."

Finally I wrote, "I said, NO thank you." And after about six back and forths (bless his long-suffering wife) it finally penetrated his mind that I was making a choice. He was very diappointed. He didn't seem CAPABLE of grasping that I could choose not to do what he wanted me to do.

I withdrew gently from the discussion group (no mention of him) and he wrote back thanks. Then he wrote me again proposing that we had the seeds of a wonderful friendship and could continue to "collaborate" in future, and "may it be so."

Oy, vey. I felt like running a mile down the interstate with my hair on fire. But that passed. Now I just feel relief. It really was an astounding struggle. Whewwwww.

hugs,
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS Something I loved doing that I gave a couple hours to yesterday was recording a video of me explaining and then reading my favorite Wendell Berry poem. It was a response to being asked by the service leader to contribute to a service made up of members' responses to: "In recent difficult times, what poetry or reading or piece of inspiration has lifted you up and helped you carry on?"

They're going to stitch together some videos and some live readings. Should be a neat service.

Anyway, doing that went straight to my heart and I'm really happy with what I said and how I read. It felt VERY good. The right fit, the thing that inspires me, and something I can give which leaves me afterward feeling grateful and full.

Fuggedabout leading or church politics. I is a poet, and that's what I have to give.