Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Me too.
It had upset me a lot more than I realized.
Another toxic, Nish male in my "safe space."
And I'll miss the sweet people in the group he runs.

But I don't assume the pres. will do anything to enable him.
She's aware and knows what he's partly about, so if he tries
to take on more influence, she'll be prepared to react. That's plenty.
I can't find any fault with her response to me at all, I felt genuinly
supported.

I still feel a few ripples dragging me down but I will let it go
all the way. It just reminds me of a cycle of being myself and
being considered a threat by certain kinds of men near my age.
I hate being targeted with malice or lack of integrity. It's like
wounding a rhino when you prick that old male ego sometimes.

Ugh. Release release release.

hugs and thanks again,
Hops

PS The thing the whole episode reminded me of most was how M. would tell me coldly that I was "resistant." He didn't even grasp what he was revealing by that...that he MUST have the power and the control. Two years! Why did I do that?

[lighter]

M was a master course for you, Hops.

He was more than the problem.  He helped shine a light on your causes and conditions. 

He smacked (fig.) that Hops eating zombie fork out of your hand.  It was magnificent!

I think time with M taught you how to keep yourself safe.

Time with M was more than wasted time, IMO.

Yup yup yup.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

THANKS, Lighter.

That is such a mature perspective and I'll aim for doing better at it.

(Recent situation just was unexpectedly trauma-ish, but I dealt with it fast enough. And fairly well, I think.)

I just imagine, as you did with YG, having FASTER wise reactions to people like him. But I suppose a couple weeks as compared to a couple years is progress! Even though there's frustration in the short term, I think I can focus on what you're talking about.

I did learn.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

If you didn't responsed exactly like you wish you'd responded to the recent situation.... it just takes time to reset default settings and internalize the new ones.   No failure...just more opportunity for practice, IME. 

I look forward to practicing wry responses without hesitation and I DO that with the Cowboy... all the time.  There won't be any misunderstandings, bc NO to whatever it is I won't tolerate... and I say NO whenever it needs saying all
the
time
when we're sharing company.  It's wonderful practice and feels amazing.

Responses that don't invite challenge or questions.... just the best, IME.

I think it helps when we (feeling very Royal today)  aren't buying into whatever the difficult person is suggesting about us.... we're "resisting" or whatever it is.... when we don't buy in or doubt ourselves..... it gets easier and easier, IME.

I have to admit.... it pleases me to picture myself handing you a sharp pen with which to defend yourself, Hops.  However you use it... write out ways to respond in the future.....practice saying them out loud...... or just poke people who enter your emotional or physical safety zones..... just pleases me to picture it; )

For my part, the next time I run into the yelly guy, I'll give him almost nothing and maybe NOTHING, depending on how he looks at me and speaks.

I'm not afraid to say F off.  It's right there, on the tip of my tongue, along with an impolite grunt of displeasure at having to see him or a straight up refusal to acknowledge his presense.... just.....
right there.     

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Yup, bravo.
NO attention is better than negative f-you attention (my opinion only).

I remember reading something about "the narcissist in court" that advises to literally not look at them. No eye contact, just turning your own expression into gray rock.

That kind of blew my mind because when I did it with my brother (never once looked at him directly) in court, I swear that helped me win. He wasn't rational anyway, but I think I sensed he began feeling less confident. And it DID protect me from melting with fear.

I can imagine YG dressing like the Q-Anon rioter, running through the neighborhood seeking attention.

But a better fantasy is YG moving away. Buh-bye.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

If ignoring Yelly Guy isn't working... what do you suggest?


Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hmmm. Depends what "ignoring" looks like. No idea if any of this works, but just to imagine scenarios:

He walks onto your property. You snap a pic of his trespass on your phone, turn your back and go indoors.

He spots you outside or at a neighbor's (if he's still allowed at other neighbors' gatherings). He walks near to start up some fake conversation under cover of acting friendly at a social event. You instantly turn your back and walk away from him in perfect calm, regardless of "what they might think."

He sees you anyplace and speaks or calls out: "Lighter, hey! Hey hey! HEY! LIGHTER!" -- you do not acknowledge but instantly turn away, in another direction, etc. In perfect calm.

He pesters you for reaction in some way you can't find a way out of. You take your phone and call Cowboy. (Maybe that should be up higher on the menu.)

I have no idea if any of these are realistic (situation or response fantasy). If he escalated in any way, I'd visit the police, make a report. Not demanding police action but simply creating a record. So if a more serious breach of NC takes place and you need to call them, it's in the system already that he's causing trouble.

If you feel it's serious and escalating anew, you could also ask Cowboy if he'd make a report about the time he had to order YG out of his home MULTIPLE times before he would leave and how much resistance YG put up.

Aaargggh. Hope we're just musing about hypotheticals...and in reality he's pretty neutralized by now? Hope hope.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

I'm not worrying about what I'll say to Yelly Guy or how I'll enforce boundaries once stated with clear, unambiguous language.

I jjust know he's going to stay out of my yard and retired nurse neighbor can let him on her property on HER side of our shared property line.  It's her property, after all.

It will be uncomfortable for everyone, including YG IF he ignores my stated boundary and i don't have a problem telling everyone I know if he can't be approrpriate.  Doesn't matter if he's suffering from some mental issues.  Not my circus, not my clowns, as they say.

I hope you're having a lovely holiday, Hops. 

Lighter

[lighter]

I haven't been worrying about settinng boundaries with Yelly Guy and that's a good thing, bc yesterday it happened organically and without any reactivity. I'd just spoken with the Cowboy and he decided he'd bring his zero turn mower back to the house and I'd borrow it to do that bit of mowing Yelly Guy used to do.  Right now Cowboy trades smoked meats with his other next door neighbor for lawn mowing services. 

I chatted with the Nurse for a minute on my way to talk to Cowboy.... she had this look in her eye...... just.... she doesn't get it and I decided not to talk to her about Yelly Guy again.... at least not till she brings it up, which is likely very soon for reasons I'll explain.

Working in the drainage ditch pulling weeds and lobbing them into the piles of leaves and branches on both the Nurse's side of the ditch and mine, I worked for about an hour to clear the ditch properly.  It was very hot, but not buggy and I enjoy the work... weed pulling meditation.  The moss and ferns growing on the bank is increasing.... I enjoy watching that happen. 

 If Yelly Guy weed wacks the weeds into the ditch, they turn melt into messy and smelly decaying muck and then it takes hours to clear AND I end up covered in muck with my boots full of the stuff.  Not good, so when the Yelly Guy whisteled up on me, like Sheriff Andy Taylor, all southern charm and ease I didn't think about my response....
I just grunted and gave him a short glare he couldn't possibly mistake for a come'hither look.... just..... I'm done having him mistake politeness for an invitation for him to make unwanted advances.  Done.  SO done.  I can't believe I'm writing this, but..... I have no plans to ever be polite to Yelly Guy again.  That might come to pass... will see.  I still like his wife and might muster it up IF she's standing there, but maybe not.  I'm trying to decide how much self sacrifice I'll make for the comfort of others and why I do that. 

YG went on to say "Well, I'm glad I won't have to bring my weedeater over tomorrow."

I said "No. No, you won't have to bring your weedeater tomorrow or any other day, bc I have this handled,. just like I have the mowing handled. Thank you for your hard work, but you won't be mowing my weeds any longer."

Yelly Guy whined "Well, I do it for everyone."

I ignored him, told him to say hello to his wife, then went back to my weeds.  I don't know where Yelly Guy went.... i didn't look up from my work.

Yelly Guy WILL "tell on me" to the nurse, and she might feel some way about it. She might want to talk about it.  We can do that.

I need to drive the mower I borrow over her property...just a smidge... to get to the other side of the drainage ditch.... I think.  maybe not.  Will have to look at it with the Cowboy.   I do't expect the nurse to have a problem with it and if she does, I can come round my house and access under the power lines another way.  It would mean the nurse has chosen to go to war to defend Yelly Guy's honor.... that wold be a huge PITA.

That's my update and my sister texted "don't back yellly guy into a corner."

She's concerned YG will lose his mind and go nuts...which is a possibiliity, but  I'm done living small and fearful to avoid being harmed or attacked by large, or small, men who don't like hearing the word NO.

Right now Yelly Guy still has reason to BE ON or arouond our street, bc of nurse. Once that's settled, and it will be very soon, anytime anyone sees Yelly Guy will be reason for concern and perhaps to call the police.   Won't know till I hear from nurse.... depending on how crazy Yelly Guy's story is, I'll know.  I wonder if I need to clearly state the conequencs for boundary stomping TO Yelly Guy.  I mean, I expect him to overstep the boundary..... I guess I could have stated the consequences yesterday when stating the boundary, but
1.  I do figure YG has to be a wounded child and I don't want to harm or provioke him and....
2.  I SHOULD be able to state a simple boundary and just have it BE a boundary that's honored..... and......
3.  It feels wrong to threaten to call the police on someone who's performing a "favor" without asking anything in retun besides pressing into the space of people the good deed doer is attempting to have unwanted contact with/sex/whatever against their express wishes, kwim? 

Evereyone on the street is used to Yelly Guy mowing that grass and walking through this cul de sac to access the forest on a daily basis.  That changes IF Cowboy, who's deeply distressed and maybe ashamed of the story, and I TELL the neighbors what Yelly Guy is about and that's bad ju ju, it's a very negative conversation, it's news no one wants to be true or deal with, IME.  People often shoot the messenges when hearing that kind of information, is what I'm trying to say...... and I have to tell you.... I ONLY care what 3 of my 7 neighbors think.  As long as I have those 3 people on board...and I think I'd have 4 of them on board, then all is well on Lighter's cul de sac. 

I was thinking... if Yelly Guy appears to just fade away..... it's not an indication all is well.  I'm not going to worry about it.  I have a lock on my crawl space.  The house is locked up.  The only person with a key absolutely hates Yelly Guy.... I'm putting in some cameras, just to what I can see.... there's electricity in the shed, so a camera there will show me everyone passing or coming onto my property.  Will be good.

So,  I'm thinking the neighbors need to know it's not OK for Yelly Guy to come'round any more.  If the nurse would ask YG to stop using her  then there's ZERO reason for YG to be ON our street.   Not that he can't access my yard and home through the forest, bc he can.  it's just that his  presence, from this moment forward, won't mean anything positive.  It will be a boundary transgression at best and heinous fockery at worst.  Once the camera is up on the shed, I'll know if Yelly Guy is accessing my property.... feels pretty well buttoned up. 

I'm learning to wait for the other show to fall with grace and restraint.  I will cross that bridge when I get to it and not worry about it until.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Video's a great idea, Lighter! Let the machine be vigilant so you don't have to.

Many times when one person tries to convince a second person that a third person is toxic or unsafe and therefore person #2 needs to stop seeing them or change their opinion...the part in italics backfires.

IMO it is healthy to simply tell your own story to her if you believe it'd be helpful. I'm wondering, though, because you mentioned a back-off glint in her eye when you speak of YG, and maybe he's manipulating a lonesome retired woman or whatever...but those things can get stuck in deeper if someone feels pressured. He might moan (or lie) to her and the attention from him fills a need in her?

But simply telling the gist of your own story if you choose to? Free bird, you. It's a big "release the outcome" opportunity.

Asking the universe for what you want: Telling the nurse what's happened with YG AND wanting her to believe/accept/make changes.

Releasing the outcome: Telling her the YG tale but expecting nothing from her in response. (She might do differently, or might not.)

I'm sure you know all that. I've just been pondering "release the outcome" more than usual these days. It really helps me to remember it, esp. when something is scaring or angering me.

All good vibes for whatever you decide to try to contribute to your peace. I'd have been triggered by him trying AGAIN to edge into your head/property space...or weed-whack his way back in. Phew, this guy is so unaware he should get a medal for it. A rusty upside-down medal.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well, Yelly Guy hasn't been around since I banished him from his mowing duties.

The zero turn mower arrived today, so I'll be mowing my weeds myself very soon.  I spoke to retired nurse neighbor about it and didn't ask permission to drive this mower on her property for 6 feet.....assuming I can, bc she let Yelly Guy and I let her keep my part of the yard the way she wants it.

Nurse said "Oh, what's a zero turn mower?" But I think she was covering her surprise.  Maybe YG didn't tell her I banished him?  I really don't care.  So over it. 

In the meantime, the recycling truck leaked crushed and broken glass through at least 2 entire neighborhoods....I used huge shop vac on our entire cul de sac....so much glass!!!  First I thought YG threw it, but I walked 2 streets and it was everywhere.

Posted warnings on the neighborhood message board WITH a shout out to the gut driving a truck to my house, parked then  walked his white pit bull into my yard, watched it crap an ankle deep pile in my leaves then drove away without picking it up.  Now I know where that came from....neighbor saw it and told me.  The nerve!!#

The garbage pick up people need to fix that truck!  I won't be ok if the keep dumping glass in our streets.  I reported it and was assured they'd fix that truck.


A friend passed from cancer and a friend's father passed a few days ago, as did a friend's mother from heart disease as he recovered from open heart surgery.

Lots of COWs.

I'm walking the pug a lot and am exhausted from the street clean up in the heat....my back is fatigued.

I embarrasingly fell off platform shoes and injured my left foot Saturday.  It's normal now, but was swollen under the big toe and so painful......there's a good deal of regret involved with my oddly spontaneous and surprising shoe choice, last minute, as I ran out the door for travel to a city 3 hours away.  I was an hour down the road before my foot felt like something was biting it.

I can't find my tablet.

Lighter






 

[Hopalong]

Lighter, do you think you might need to take up skydiving?

Could platform shoes be your earthbound substitute for that, or rooftops?

Amirite? Prolly not, but thought I was clever. (Usually in error...LOL)

hugs, gravity, healing zaps to ankle (so sorry you got hurt) --

Hops

[lighter]

No skydiving for me....ever, Hops.

I'll stick to rooftops, thanks; )



Lighter

[Hopalong]

I dunno, what with glass in the street (that cleanup sounded like it would really wear hard on the back!) and lots of losses among people you know and those they love...that must've been a really hard day.

Hope the back is healing fast and you got some good rest.

I have patio guys here today working away. I always feel stressed when workers are here but do have confidence in the young owner of the business. Bit more stress checking retirement account yesterday to make the necessary withdrawal...I am one of those who have no clue about financial strategy other than frugality, so it is hard to see the balance is dropping and dropping again right now. I've learned "set it and forget it" is the only strategy that can work for me (stock picking was M's hobby but would give me another stroke) and did come back well from 2008, so I'm just hoping to hope all will be okay while I'll still here and before I need to spend it down further.

I decided way back to consolidate it all into TIAA-Cref and trust them. Hard to do but an expert will manage it better than I could. Fingers (toes hairs and prayers) crossed!

Well that was a tangent.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

One of my dd's and I had a joint T session with my Therpist around learning to communicate better.... T asked if we'd ever done any non violent communication and we both answered Yes as the girls attended a tiny school based on that.  It didn't really stick for dd.

T suggested we not come back to her again for joint session, but instead see an eating disorder T together... someone fresh and unbiased, which is the plan.

One good thing out of that session is dd is being more present and nice.  Seeking me out, sharing more and being present.

Lighter