Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Lighter, what a lovely and moving update to read.

I'm so glad for you that the inner healing you're doing shone back at you today from your DD's unexpected statement. I can imagine the healing power of that moment.

Sometimes just a little recognition and compassion from someone we care about can fill our spiritual tanks for a very long time. Or release us from craving forgiveness and acceptance, when somebody else reminds us what it feels like.

And your work with your inner self is showing you how to also do this for yourself. Bravo!

Peace and more to all of you.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

I'm not able to put it all together yet, but this focus on painful child pieces shows up in unexpected ways.  Always surprised and relieved when it lands.

Example.... I was still feeling salty about the retired nurse neighbor's choices and way of speaking to me in recent months..... mostly she's overtly cheerful, like she's trying to talk me into accepting the Yelly Guy ...... she comes across as his cheerleader, of sorts.  Normally, she's level headed and not all chatty and fake sounding..... I had the yuck over it, honestly.  Building a tall fence was something I was thinking about too often,bc that would be a terrible turn of events, IMO.

I was ruminating over the boundary I felt I'd set for her not to speak ABOUT me with YG and was confused as to how she felt talking about HIM to ME was OK, bc she just seemed to DO IT every time we spoke, without noticing how our property line has been changing and morphing as time goes by.  She speaks.  I physically react and it IS a reaction..... HAS BEEN a reaction, up to this point.   Honestly, I never told HEr not to speak to me about YG.  I should do that and I will the next time she brings him up.  No worries.   I'm so calm about that conversation..... looking forward to having it with loving kindness in mind.  It's a surprising and lovely feeling to experience.

This feels like a direct tie to the inner child work and feeling adult Lighter IN my body, in charge, confident and clear about what I can do and can't do.  What's mine and what's not to deal with.  What I control and what I don't.  It's one thing to understand it and another to experience it in my Nervous System AND understand it as I go. 

One day I'm perfectly calm, I can't be knocked off my center and nothing phases me.

The next day I'm on my stomach, tripping over a log in the woods, full of thorns wondering if the Yelly Guy is somewhere watching me thrash through the forest to escape a face to face with him, bc I'm feeling vulnerable and sure being assertive in his direction will lead to (insert every type of threat I've dealt with from men.)  WTF?  REALLY hate that feeling. 

Something clicked...... calm decended. 

I had 2 nice face to face chats with the nurse recently and am sure I could discuss anything with her without getting knocked off my center, now.  Need for approval morphed into frutration and resentment morphed into acceptance and isn't that what always throws me for a loop?  My resistence to SOMETHING I can't change. Ya.... I think that's usually the case.

Some part of me wasn't really sure how doing the inner child work would pay off (I certainly didn't go down that path bc I thought it would be fun or happy work)  but all roads were leading to Rome and so I went.  It was the same with mindfulness work..... the pay offs were unexpected and such a relief.  When the pain of staying where we are is worse than the pain of going....
we go. 

Glad I could trust and just get on with it.

THIS access to responsiveness, if not wholly consistent,  is such a relief....... feeling affronted and betrayed takes wayyyyyy too much energy, goes round in circles and solves nothing.  Stepping out of that place and into nonjudgmental awareness...... shifts brain chemistry in such a profound way..... it's so simple and yet so difficult to keep in focus, IME.  I feel like I have to be slammed upside the head by some thigs, over and over, before I "get it" but it helps me understand when people around me don't "get it." 

Being right isn't a worthy thing. It slows processing and resolving issues, IME.

I'm not saying I assume good intentions on everyone's part.  I'm saying I'm open to whatever is present, at any given time, in people doing harmful things.... intntional or unintended doesn't really matter.  I don't HAVE to assign judgment to it.  Just getting on with what's MINE to handle is the relief. It's the key that opens the lock to what comes next instead of remaining stuck, if that makes sense.

Adult Lighter can be uber assertive, without hesitation, guilt or regret (fear.)

 Clarity is clear and available in every moment. 


Lighter

[lighter]

Hops:

You're right about treating myself with as much compassion and kindness as I treat 8mo Lighter and LL.  That's the mission.

It also translates to every being.... not to say everyone is connected, but I think maybe there's truth in that and we're all the person we're mad at, need something from, view with judgment.....
when I judge others, I notice I'm judging myself.  That sort of thing.

When I'm more expansive with patience and manage spaciousness around problems..... being compassionate is available.  In every direction.  I'm not experiencing biochemical hijacks or the need to get myself OUT of them, which is so much better.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I hear that!

It's like you have taken hold of the react-switch in your own brain and dismantled it.
Clogged it all up with compassion until the only way it'd fire is for real threats, not their unimportant copies.

I remember a woman I met in an early support group in the 80s who was alert to danger 24/7. I knew she reminded me of something but couldn't describe it until one night, I listened and considered her and felt her tension and said, "I think what you remind me of is a returning Viet Nam vet who feels this way because he hasn't recognized it's peace time." The way she responded stayed with me for a long time, because it was like she'd been understood and felt it. (Pretty sure I told this story here before but hey, old brain repeats itself. Again.)

My bet is that one day you'll be looking back and you'll think to yourself, There has been no real threat to survival for a long time now. I don't even feel it.

(It's not that those skills will abandon you. Just that you'll know what it's like to live in peace, not need them or think about them or practice them every day.)

Sounds like you're trusting life and loving yourself more, starting with LL. Fantastic.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

I've read your response a few times and responded without sending.

I don't know I feeeeeel exactly what you're describing, though it's possible..... at least in part.

I do know I feel better, experience less guilt, frutration and fear, so.....
things are headed in a very good direction.

 I'm glad you're here to share it with me: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Me too, Light!

I know I only got it in part, but glad it partly felt true.

Good enough for me.

big hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

We had another happy evening at Karaoke.  Thus time, both Dd's and a friend were there.?   The cute boy came back.  The Pug did not.  He's the regular singer with a crush on DD20.  She struggles with breaking out of the emotional support dog pattern women get shoved into.  So far, so good.  We're all working on it. 

We snagged the only 4 seats on the dance floor.  It was perfect for many reasons.  DD20 is out of reach and dancing to 30 seconds of house music between songs is possible from that position.

Other patrons were amazing....every night has new people and this time there were high kicks, dramatic falling flat on the floor and everyone dancing tigetger many times.  I spun DD20 around the floor to a Sinatra song.....just joyful and DD22 will sing with the friend next time.  Can't wait.

Going to see The Nutcracker this weekend. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

That sounds fun Lighter! I've never been to kareoke. And i don't go out much anymore because I have such a hard time these days with people failing to manage their own "stuff". But I miss dancing. Except when Buck whirls  me around the porch  to  music that's playing in his head.

[lighter]

I'm eating well.  Today.  Yesterday.  Inflammation dropped away, like usual.  Crazy, like alchemy. 

The inflammation is never the point.

Neither is how my clothing fits or doesn't.

It's always about self care, feeling worthy and returning back to mindfulness practice, again and again, sans judgment.

It's those unconscious beliefs catching me flat footed, feeling trapped in old patterns and the truth is.....letting everything go is an option, even if I can't imagine or practice.

I can SEE it now.  I've done it.  Returned to it.  See farther, more extreme change isn't just possible.  It's available every moment and that goes in and out of focus......not gonna lie.  It does and that's ok too.

During the trip to the island, my brother really looked me in the eye and pulled my focus away from workin/fixibg/DOING and it was really helpful......he pointed me at my girls, niece and nephew and reminded me time is fleeting.

I played more, spent one on one time with all the kids
and
I
played.

At the beach, in the cottage, on the boat, in the water and kitchen and it felt like choosing a different door all the time.  It was good and I didn't people please or let self care go.

It's a balance, yup yup yup. 

Acceptance.
The ability to be assertive.
Dropping judgment again and again.

Yes.

[lighter]

I began working with a PT to deal with the scar tissue and fascia from the soft tissue injury....... the power returned but there was still some pain and it wasn't about my bones. 

Immediately the pain was reduced and I hope the next couple sessions will restore pain free full motion with homework at home. 

One thing the PT said was my body has contracted..... chest, arms, inward..... not about this injury.... something that happens over time.  She wanted to know what I DO that might have caused that. I think it's from years living in a fighting stance... not sure, but ready to undo that and leave it behind. 

When the PT and I stretch the injured arm, there's burning as the tissues stretch or whatever it is they're doing.  Breaking apart, not sure, but anyone who's had a soft tissue injury should def deal with the scarring and fascia to restore full motion and relieve residual pain, bc it's a thing.

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm thinking about how I eat lately and how difficult it is to be consistent.  There are times I'm so on and eat prescrptively without trouble or much effort.

Something came up..... I read about people pleasers
making decisions to control other people's emotions.

That sort of clicked for me.

When I make less than stellar choices... I think I might be making those choices in an effort to control/sooth parts of myself intead of stopping and considering what kind of attention those parts really need.  That ties into feeling hunger, when I'm not really hungry and self soothing with food.....makes SO much sense now.

My T instructed me to stop when I'm hungry and cosider if I'm really hungry or if there's something behind the hungr signal that needs attention.  I didn't think of it as a wounded part of me piping up and making demands that have nothing to do with the issue.  Now it makes sense. 

[Hopalong]

That makes so much sense to me, Lighter.

I tuned into the blindness of things like pizza cravings and especially thinking about when I was eating and stuffing myself at times during these pandemic isolation years. Finally realized I'd put on 15 pounds of self-soothing INSTEAD of actually addressing how I was feeling, which would be "self soothing" that changes something and lasts. The emotional process can hurt like hard-pressured fascia, but afterward the body is changed.

At the time, these last lonely winters, I wasn't trusting enough to reach out to friends IRL with truth -- I'm just calling because I'm lonely and anxious, got some bandwidth? (And if someone didn't I'd have been wise to remain calm and just reach out again to someone who did. Instead, I'd pull farther into myself where the loneliness lives and especially the anxiety and fed both of those too much pizza. I was identifying with my loneliness and making it part of my identity. No need to.)

In recent months, with the exercise positivity, I haven't lost weight yet (maybe 2 pounds) but I'm a little slimmer and feel fine about my body. I still hope I'll gradually drop ten pounds or so, but not more and not by being on a weight-loss diet. The only diet I'm on is food is fuel and food are nutrition, and it's just gotten a lot simpler. I don't particularly like cooking, but there are loads of frozen fruit and vegs and I've got grains and kefir and fresh farm eggs and frozen fish. No reason a singleton can't be very well nourished with simple foods like that.

Sorry for the detour ramble, but I'm happy to hear about your healing on both those levels: fascia release and food clarity. Bravo, you.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I've  been slogging my way through THE DISEASE TO PLEASE by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D
and
CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCE by Darlene Lancer.

I've been going back and forth between them.... they make me very tired, truthfully.

Everything leading up to these books AND these books together has me in an existential space...... I'm still snotty and suffering a bit with a cold, but the coughs are productive now.  Hopefully we can enjoy Kareoke tomorrow night.... that's the plan. 
 
The big take away from the books......
in my case, anyway......
the PDs are a synptom of coping strategies keeping me safe as a child...strategies I mistook for WHO I AM..... and that's just not the case.

My Therapist was right when she said I needed to remember who I was before.  I didn't understand it, exactly, but I believed her and just kept plugging away at it.  I'll be plugging away for the rest  of my life, I reckon, but it feels very inward directed now.

I don't have the desire to share and teach and bring folks along at my pace..... like I'm leaving them behind if I move forward. 

I'm learning.... becoming aware of important things..... figuring out what's what.

The interesting thing is..... my girls are more i nterrested in talking about these things..... now. 

I don't think I'll feel like posting as much for a while...... I have to practice this new information before sharing, me'thinks.

I recommend these books.... they're pieces of the puzzle and I was ready for these pieces: )

Lighter

[lighter]

We checked in with the "part" rendering me unconscious (since I was 3yo old.)   T calls her a firefighter part derailing with crisis. 

I'm finally at a point I can ask parts for space and now ask them about themselves with easier curiosity. 

Well, let me tell you, that little firefighter has been throwing burlap sacks over my head and snatching me out of situations for a long time without understanding my age or growing ability to self protect.

T thinks this began befire my first memory of losing consciousbess after a blood draw....I asked to see the vial, likely and the nurse helpfully shook it in my face them bam!  Out like a light.

I was all Fuuuuuuuuch, this is heading back into grandpa territory, but T feels it's about young self centered mother making her needs priority while wearing her children like accccessiries....praphrasing here, but that's the long and short of it.

It's about reassuring all the wounded and protective pieces one has grown up and is competent....they're no longer alone and many have always believed they're truly alone with no acc4ss to essential self.

Inviting them to sit at the table, with us....not to banish or judge or change them....but to integrate them.

It's been very upsetting and threatening to black out....I was focused on pushing it away and certainly judged it. 

Today wasn't about that, but it came up at the end of the appt.  The appt was aboutthe books I'm reading and how they're changing perceptions and understanding for me partly bc I have other puzzle pieces on the board and can take that information in.

I think it would have mostly bounced off a year ago with a few loud points sticking....becoming other pieces on the board without this shift in perception bc my ability to be in my body, unswitched, is pretty consistent.   

Lots of moving parts, impossible to see more than a few pieces at a time, or even one, with nose on the Pebble and that's how I experience it....
With more spaciousness and ability to process as I'm noticing thoughts opposed to following thoughts and fearing the experience in my body.....in a society where having emotions is shamed and ridiculed in favor of posturing, projecting and denying.

Ya....what a glorious Spring day it is. 

Both DDs sang at Karaoke last time....lots of happy dancing.  Joy was in that room.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm noticing thoughts opposed to following thoughts and fearing the experience in my body.....in a society where having emotions is shamed and ridiculed in favor of posturing, projecting and denying.

I'm going to need a whole new sofa to embroider this on, Lighter. Fantastic. Thanks for sharing it.

I didn't know you would pass out at the sight of blood. NO fun! But your whole description sounds gentler and less panicked. Vivid but not dramatic. As though you recognized you'd felt fear during but the fear had drained away and you were just recalling the plot. Not judging yourself for being jumpy during Jurassic Park. Bravo. You sound....oxygenated. Even YG isn't fully retriggering you.

Wowsers.

hugs
Hops