Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

We've had cicadas, earthquakes, mudslides, a hurricane and flash floods, hail......might as well have an early blizzard, yup yup yup.

Lighter

[lighter]

I slept 10 hours last night. Up at 6am, with the Pug.....baby girl needs her Nummies.

As I move through tasks.... unloading dishwasher, preparing to load, etc. I nite tasks requiring attention, check in with myself about who's job they are, then decide to ask adult children to show me how they do each job.  I'm determined to remain curious, nonjudgmental and open to how they perform tasks.

I'm also determined to not just DO tasks, bc it lowers my anxiety, etc.

Slowing down. Noticing my inner world, paying attention to any upset parts, before reacting, sets me up to enjoy what I'm doing in the moment.  It also makes it easier to plan and problem solve, sans neeeeding anything to be different than it is.

I'm having a wonderful morning....simply seeing what's here.

Tasks done "wrong" mean I haven't taught well enough or at all.  BF doesn't know there's a bin for lint.....yet. I fell some impatient energy creep in......I back burner all tasks with him, as he's in quarantine recovering from Covid and Flu B. 

I tell my younger selves it's OK.  There's plenty of time.  We "have a plan." I feel they're letting go and calming down ....like they're releasing holds on my stomach and organs.  Centered self energy comes forward, without thinking about it

Good.

It's becoming muscle memory. 

I didn't practice so well at wedding and during cousin visit.  Not sure, but it might be about feeling trapped, biting back boundaries ( for the sake of peace) and allowing physical touch I should (maybe) be catching with short quick pocks(spl?)/slaps with small movement only at wrist, sans emotional upset on my part.  I remind myself, action is faster than reaction.  I can't stop incoming unwanted touch, without distance. Keeping distance is more reasonable.  That's a good plan.  I remember my mother teaching us to use our elbows, as she did, with our Paternal GF.

I find I'm calmer/less reactive/angry now that chosen responses are in place, bc younger Lighters wanted to handle things more aggressively. 

Reassuring, younger parts, they have every right to feel the way they do....
Reassuring them.....we have a plan ...we don't have to allow inappropriate behavior/words any longer.  They're entitled to feel, complain and respond...
helps.

Including them in problem solving...helps.

Visiting with them at the tomato garden bonfire..... checking in with them....helps.

Now....back to teaching and moving through my day mindfully, and in joy.  Yes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I like the idea of using elbows, especially in a booth or bar setting where "crowding" or "creeping" touches can sneak in.

Could almost move an elbow in a hail-fellow-well-met way, as it looks almost jolly. Meanwhile, it carries a point.

But you don't need me on self-defense. I'm just pissed at that guy. Yecchhhh.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

After dental hygienist said she does it, I began oil pulling with coconut oil last night.  I don't hate it.  The jarred coconut oil, from Aldi's, tastes yummy.....flossed after with Dr Tung's brand floss....not sure why, but I  think it is gentler on gums and works very well.

I woke up and oil pulled through my morning chores..... didn't time it.  They say 5 to 20 minutes, but watching that clock creates anxiety.

Anyone else practice this?  One of my nieces has been doing it for years.

Lighter

[lighter]

Had dinner with nice neighbor lady, Charlotte, on Saturday.  Her life is so closed, and tedious and difficult..... very SAD.  I felt like a naughty child, breaking an enslaved child out, for the evening......and so began her villain arc.

She's never said No.  Never set a boundary. Never NOT worried, over things, outside her control.

Through a lovely breezy cool evening, on PF Chang's patio, we laughed and immersed ourselves in a lovely white wine, lettuce wraps, honey shrimp, beef with broccoli and a flight of desserts.  She can't (normally)drink alcohol, but one half glass, over 3 hours....was a short return to the life she used to have. Her eyes sparkled....she giggled.  I've never seen her giggle.

She understands..... she's going to feel like a villain when saying no to babysitting 2 rambunctious grandsons, setting a boundary, or choosing to not fret over her husband's meals....he has advanced Parkinson's....she changes 5 to 7 adult diapers, daily, with arthritic hands.  Her heart and lungs aren't good.

She sent a message Monday am ....she was feeling 100% better....feeling entitled to set boundaries, release outcome, and embrace humor instead.....God loves a good segue. 

A huge shift in POV....
she'd been reading about boundaries and feeling defeated at the thought. 

Another Amazon steps to the fire, ladies. 


Lighter

[Hopalong]

What a great service you did her, Lighter!

Reintroducing joy, self esteem, etc.

Bravoooo!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Amber.  I think having several hours, away, did her as much good as having her (naughty self care) suspicious validated....celebrated, even.

I'll take her to lunch soon.  The weather is perfect for another outdoor patio meal, and she's looking like she needs a bucking up.

The oil pulling is decidedly a once a day or every two days practice.  Daily, now, with mornings the chosen time.  Will begin melting the solid coconut oil first, as I'm tempted to chew and swallow, like a child.  It's almost like candy, tastes so good.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hops here. And you're welcome.
LOL.

Very cool story and feminist me was sooo glad to read it.

hugs
Hops

PS You might find this podcast very interesting, especially about halfway through when she talks about codependency, and the culture that made it so powerful.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/23/magazine/jen-hatmaker-interview.html#commentsContainer

[lighter]

Raising up children.....whew boy. 

Surprisingly, my girls have responded positively to my requests to show me how they clean.  Youngest cleans like me.  Oldest reads instructions, on cleaning bottles, and follows instructions, which is so HER. 

I have yet to ask the boyfriend, but intend to. Soon.

The next meal planning session, we'll attack shopping, cooking and cleaning duties. Oldest DD on board and made the suggestion. Wonderful!

Youngest DD helping me split drapery panels, run through sewing machine and iron.  Soon, we'll go to lake and finish wedding venue website and photos.

I notice snark, rise up from my gut, and threaten to snurl up my face, which I try to avoid.  Would wedding pictures, featuring a 50ish yo man, marrying a 23yo be more enticing to the male customers? 

We NEED laws limiting the age for child marriages, bc men
WANT
TO
MARRY
CHILDREN.

Godnabbit.

WTAF?

::smoothing shirt::.

And.....men.....
I'm, alarmingly, not identifying many allies, if I'm being honest.  I have compassion for them. Truly, I do.

I have more compassion, for the vulnerable people's, they're driven to prey on.  Always have.  It's a quirk of mine.

Ahem.

So photographer is getting lined up.  I'll likely pay the contractor's (attractive in a Southern country boy way)stepson to pose for photos, if his adorable wife allows it.  She might not.  We are in the Southern country side. 

Eh....will work out.

Youngest dd's cute high school friend, is back in contact with her, bc, as she predicted..... he's going through a bad break up.  He'd be a very good groom, but DD insists it would be a bad idea.  I see that now.

Yes, of course.  How silly of me to need something.  How silly of me to expect to pay for a man's time, and get a job done, sans emotional blowback, turmoil and perhaps worse.  Silly.  Heavens. Imagine! Even the suggestion.

Somehow, I imagine an old guy marrying a young woman would go over better than an interracial couple, which wouldn't create too much insanity with the guy we could line up.  Picture Prince, but more of a pirate.....if that's possible?

I blame anxious attachment styles, in this moment.  It's esp upsetting bc we're (girls and I) more avoidant, yup yup yup.   For us, men equal drama, upset and danger..... it's pretty clear, by now.  Any involvement will cost us some insane price.....juice not worth the squeeze?  Traditionally, for 2 of us. Ya.

Oldest DD's relationship tbd.

I never wanted to raise sons...... haven't spent much time thinking about where we've gone wrong.  We have gone wrong. I have to look at it now.  Try to decipher and calculate routes to calmer streams.  Male drama, and mental health crisis is unbearable, at this point.  For me.  Keeping my yap shut, almost impossible.  Sucking it up, biting back truths, in order to calm and placate Krazy......would likely pop an artery, for sure.  I don't intend to put that strain on'me systems, nope nope nope.

I want to train my girls into calling,all people's, on their bs.  Proactively and decisively.  I've heard oldest DD doing it with her bf.  We'll build on that.

This post took a weird turn, but I'm half surprised, as I spent an hour talking to a recovering addict last night.....seems his wife is angry he had "a few beers" to take the edge off his stress.
Then the story shifted to "a couple shots of peach whiskey" hmmmmm.

I, maddeningly, pussy footed around, which is to say, I said what needed saying, but in the way Hops used to say things on the board.....with endless compassion, patience and refusal to vary that delivery....but also so very frustrating.....for me.
"Can you think of a reason your wife would be angry/alarmed/skeptical/terrified of your drinking, as a recovering addict?" Ummmm.....he knows.  His  defensive 12yo part, looking for reasons to drink,  doesn't want to admit it, but, some part of him, knows. 

Choices. 

Blow up your family OR not blow up your family.  Hmmmm....what to do, what to do?

Anyhow, dd's cute, but emotionally unstable guy friend appears to be tying himself to his ex gf by taking out a loan for her car.  He will collect her payment, read that as hold it over her head to keep contact, and I realize.....I don't want to spend another minute thinking about his bad, terrible, worse choices in the universe.  I don't.

I'll be curious to see if she puts him down, like she did with her ex bf.  With finality and grace.  Just .....turn away, with compassion. And acceptance.  No regrets.  Giving up on people is ok, yup yup yup.  Can't save them from themselves, nope nope nope.

We, all three of us gals, share the "gift" of patience, but once we're done ..... we're done.

I wonder, if my patience, will ebb down to a man sized dram. 

Social lubricant be damned.  Time for more "something new ."

Lighter

[lighter]

My cousin left her husband, just after her niece's wedding.  The husband doesn't know where she is, and their 20yo DD had to give up neutrality yesterday. 

She was taking her dad's calls, and visiting him at their home, but he's unstable and lashing out in every direction, trying to get cousin back in the house.  Only the dad is still residing in the home, btw.

It's weird.....
it feels like..... the dad is cannibalizing their children. In hopes cousin will appear....and remove him from his dinner.

For instance.....cousin had their DD at urgent care....asthma.....the sticky kind.... oxygen stuck at 88..... wouldn't go above....gave steroids and antibiotics.  While in that appointment, the dad calls....DD is socialized to not upset dad. She takes his call.... doctor and mom in room....DD asks if she can phone dad back.

Dad now knows she's at urgent care. With the doctor.... struggling to breathe....on speakerphone, but insists he must make the (sadly not unexpected) announcement.... he's cancelled dd's car insurance.
 Because that's what you do when you're trying to get control of your wife back.  You leverage the children.  Of course you do.

The son, who hasn't been socialized to make everyone feel better all the time, won't take his father's calls or visit him.  He received a text informing him insurance cancelled....and it's really awful.  "Hey, buddy....hey Jackie....all super sweet language, like he's addressing a young child.  Actually made me feel ill, reading it.

Later, the DD ends up in stepped down ICU, where DD removed her father from her emergency contact list and announced she no longer feels safe to visit her father, bc she fears he'll do something to her, to get back at the mom.

Up to that point, she'd been Sweden.... refusing to understand her mom's choice to go no contact/in hiding....unwilling to judge her father, or cut him off. 

It's interesting, the drunk dad liked to get DD drunk with him.  The DD received so little care from him.....that felt like love to her. He actually asked DD to call her  mum and report he'd given up drinking....
while holding a beer in his hand.

He knew shis wife would know he still drank....so why try to coax her back to the house?  Where he has a gun?  And privacy, behind doors?

He's also presenting himself as a newly single guy about town.  Happy. So so so happy. To be rid of his sober, responsible, funny and amazing wife. "Finally."

He's edging on the Coraline movie scene where the other mother is pounding against the little door, screaming "come back, don't leave me, I'll kill you, I'll die without you!!"

Paraphrasing, but you get the picture.

The....."drunk" sounds judgy.  Will refer to him as D.

D talks to my brother, and asked him to phone our cousin and tell her D stopped drinking.  The man "chooses" to drink from 5am to whatever time he passes out, drun....from drinking all day.  He would beg me to drive him to the store, to get beer, during family reunion.  I was cooking. Cleaning. Playing with kids and he's posted up in the kitchen, drinking nonstop, worrying about running out of beer, which he did not.  There were 2 cases, undrunk, left over of Busch.  I digress.

Brother didn't call cousin... didn't fall for the bs.  Instead, he called D back and asked if he'd really given up alcohol.  D laughed, and admitted he had not.  A little light hearted jape?

Brother unimpressed he'd been asked to compromise his integrity, with his cousin, but seems, still, firmly in the "let's not create drama" camp, as in......speaking about the fear D will harm or kill cousin/the kids makes him uncomfortable, so he's dismissive. 

The DD's oxygen levels are up to 90, which is improvement. Cousin had new car insurance in place, for them all, before the day ended.

D no longer drives. His balance is shot, bc he's saturated with alcohol.

The neighbor men are telling cousin her life is in danger.....telling her they're willing to protect her, should it come to that.  Certainly, the Ohio family is supportive and understand the assignment.  Cousin's friends are alarmed and feel this woll certainly be a case of graveyard love, if D can manage it.

:: struggling with all kinds of acceptance::.
Mostly to do with my brother's (unconscious?) belief systems.....I think.

D is disdainful of women.  Brother has been for years.  They have that, or had that, in common.  Would both vote against reproductive healthcare, if D hadn't given up voting rights.  He can't do jury duty with his extreme drinking habits. 

Anticipating D will use free family attorney to dick cousin around in Court, till their meager savings are gone and legal debt, all he can get, is driven up.  You know...the usual "loving father" behaviors expressed by a dad with 2 kids at university.  Cousin took her name off the kid's bank accounts, so D can't take those.

Oh ....and he's asking for alimony.

I realize..... I can't talk about this without some judgement.

My brother offered to hook D up with an AA sponsor, but D adamantly refuses to consider it.  He's made a "choice" about drinking.  It's not a "problem." Now can you call my wife and tell her I gave up drinking?

Nope.  I can't release outcome or judgement. 

::looking up next T appt date::.

So much destruction and destructive behavior.  So much of my cousin covering for D....trying to protect children....get through another day....endure scathing shame at every social gathering.....and D telling everyone, who'll listen, he's "happy now.... hasn't been for a long time ....would never take cousin back."

Telling the children, but not an AA guy. That's the line D draws in the sand.  He's calling his MIL, and cousin's girlfriends....actually propositioning the single Christian gal. Bleck.

This is an ancient struggle....trying to accept sone parents eat their young.  I know they justify it with....
"What's good for me is good for the kids."

Or maybe they don't feel obligated to justify anything?

I have a problem with it. 
That's clear.
And it's fairly..... visceral, yup yup yup.

The wide eyed and stupid stance, of willfully ignorant bystanders, baffles me. 
No.  It actually gives me the vapors.
 It changes my brain chemistry.

The journey continues.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I can't tell if people simply have shrugged off ALL guidance about behaviors - only cherishing the next hedonistic high feeling - or if their cheese has actually slid that far off their cracker (mental illness getting worse).

Even some people I like are showing severe issues. I try to convince myself it's oK to go out in my local town; the people can be real and nice. They know us now, after 8 years. Hol is concerning me some days, with her over-active brain and imagining that people think or feel things... with no evidence. Or trying to reverse engineer the motivation based on evidence.

So, hermit lifestyle is feeling very attractive to me. I have my own issues and problems to solve, and don't have the bandwidth for OPP's. B & I are even thinking about a week's "getaway". Will involve some touristy exploration, but also a LOT of just "us" time. No list... no being around other people's crap.

Only "project" I'm working on is the lift. Contractor I've spoken with about sealing the cabin & rebuilding the decks, still hasn't come out for a "look-see". I know he's busy right now; I know he's short-handed too. It's a possibility for work this fall, when they can't work other properties. Soon our focus will be firewood and indoor tasks (long postponed and very definitely needed.)

Do what you can for the cousin, Lighter. Don't get sucked into Drunk's blatantly obvious control games. It'll just use all your energy to no avail.