Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Poor DD, what misery. And poor YOU!

Bravo on not getting infected yourself....that must've taken a lot of strain and effort.
Cleaning up and disinfecting the house after all that, not fun I'm sure. Yikers. And what timing.

Hope everybody's safe and well for the holiday anyway.
May you all enjoy whatever pieces of it bring joy to the worlds.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I love the idea of love opening space in a person for a new breeze to blow through. Lovely thought. Hope he'll find happiness with his immigrant darling.

And hope YOU will have a peaceful, unfrantic holiday!

You too, ((((Amber)))).

hugs and ho hos,
Hops

[lighter]

I hope brother drops his biases, and turns toward the wind..... surrenders himself to not knowing everything. 

It makes me feel peaceful to picture it.

Lighter

[lighter]

Well, we're all sick.  Different kinds of sick, but sick.

Youngest DD is mostly recovered, and is at her second day at her new retail sales job.  It's a touristy place, everyone who enters buys something from her, as she mans a position in a big round counter.

I went from coughing up small chunks of phlegm, to a super dry cough, so painful.  I was jealous of DD's very productive cough ......and so I took a Mucus Relief pill.

I woke up with productive coughs, but felt I'd breathe it back in, during coughing fits.  Scary.  Be careful what I wish for..... considering an Urgent Care visit today.  Guessing it's upper respiratory.  I'm shaky and weak ...phantom pains pop up.  Yesterday it felt like a broken bone in my right foot....stabs in the ribs.... headache....neck, spine discomfort, and sting in the center of my right knee.  Not terrible pain...not consistent.  My body remembers terrible flu bugs, with huge pain.....so I feel lucky it's not worse.....water tastes bitter, blech.

Oldest DD has fevers and chills while visiting BF's family.....he was sick first. 

The ejected guest, from our trip, reported a stomach bug, with 3 days of vomiting.  Poor guy. 
::knocking wood::.

We have a yummy batch of bolonaise and pasta, with chicken thighs and green beans.  DD made apple strudel topped muffins yesterday.  The pug enjoying new batch of nummies made with lamb, turkey and organ meat. 

We're resting....healing.....watching Studio Ghibli movies, and the entire original Air Bender series.  It's SO GOOD....such great world building.
My brother heads to the island tomorrow.

Sister and BIL in Hawaii having Christmas with their DD and her bf.  Think....camping in 2 man tents.... kind of trip.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

How are you and DDs feeling, Lighter?

That sounds like some epic winter misery.
Hope it passes soon and goes back into its virus cave.

Happy New Year despite everything!


hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Right now it's a coughing war..... I'm in second place. 

We're all at the end of it......ears and throats stopped hurting.  Fevers and aches gone. Zombie sounds still come out of my lungs, when I breath out deeply.  Sometimes I mistake it for pug snoring.

Stay well, Hops.

[lighter]

Youngest DD and I attended a festival of lights the other night.  We expected winter wonderland ish-Santa-Christmas theme, but walked through an extravaganza of many themes....many flowers, bugs, wrapped trees....springtime themes present.  I'd say zero Christmas/winter themes.... but then we weren't pristine in covering every inch of a walk expected to take 1 to 1.5 hours.  Something could have been tucked in.

I'm still coughing, but not so much.  Left ribs don't feel broken anymore.  Second Mucinex pill seems to have shaken out residual phlegm.....mostly.  I didn't take any other cold meds yesterday.  The misery has passed....slept through much of it.

Oldest DD thinks her cold turned into an ear infection.  She's chuffed, about brand new iPad, from BF's mother, who received a large bonus.....shared it with the kids. Magnetic pencil.....very fancy.

Truth is ..... I'm glad my potential in-laws are much younger than me.  Glad they're competent, family centered people. Glad a full set of loving Grandparents are still present.  Glad they have the big family gatherings with big tree, decorations, and wrapped presents...I did at their age too!  It's comforting. Truly.

Youngest DD mentioned she'd like to date again.  It's been a while.  She's a little anxious about my.....traveling.  She thinks about when I die....and wants me to stay.....wants to hang on, but it's a fearful thing....makes me want to hold on....back.  The good news is.... she's fallen into a happy place at her new job.... she's part of "the dream team.". Her lady boss is a single mum, 5 kids, youngest 17yo with a deadbeat (2nd) baby daddy, who's unemployed and borrows her car.  DD is watching....listening ..paying attention....wants boss to "get it together, girliepop, you're part of the dream team!" DD's desire for romance, is constantly balanced by the reality around her.....men typically=toddler behaviors, and often,  ruin for smart gals,who might have kept distance, but failed.  So few success stories out there. So many friends, acquaintances and family with nightmare situations.  Lordy, save us.

 In a way, it's like DD's head popped above the clouds..... she appreciates a peaceful (female centered) home, sans raised voices and broken things....fear ....walking on eggshells.....sees the gift, where she used to see.....well..... it's changed through the years, what she missed, mourned, and made peace with. At first, it was Jack Black "tossing her in the air, and not being mean to her."
::heart breaking::.
It became hurtful contact/lack of contact from people who should have been safe, comforting stand ins, for absent father.  So painful, but it's about mitigating harm.....had to be about that. I can see it no other way ..... it's so clear, now.

Oldest DD and her bf are overtly ready for me to go......bf would like for pug and youngest DD to leave with me, but with humor.  I know this bc youngest joked about going with her sister, when she attends out of State optometry school.  BF said "nope." They get along well, but I think he's on high alert, most of the time, monitoring relationships and moods.  It's how he was raised, and......so far we aren't nutters.  Maybe, if we're together enough, he fears that'll change?  I guess everyone likes walking through an empty house in their underwear.

I like this bf.....but remind oldest DD about allowing her NOs be turned to Yes, for temporary comfort. About allowing sour moods to alter her course, in appeasement.  It doesn't just steal your peace/freedom.....it steals anything good in a relationship, ime.  Is the kiss of death, for any good thing, IME. 

Boundaries keep us safe, yes.

 Trouble is, I guess I always saw placing and enforcing them as....
struggle, work, acts of war, which is ridiculous.

I want my girls to see it as routine maintenance...
As keeping the water off their fuzzy, adorable gremlin.....and maybe that's the truth.  Maybe not.

Sure.....sure ...... it's always the woman's responsibility to control the.....
the what? The EVERYTHING, right?

We choose monsters/toddler boys in man bodies(tbimbs).....allow ourselves to be chosen by monsters/tbimbs.....we end up with a scary childman, endure, struggle, get free.....maybe. God help us if we gift the world with children.  And so, youngest DD watches her super nice boss/mother of 5 struggle with her second tbimb. SO obviously not the move.

Doc G and Mud....lovely men. My cousin has a lovely marriage with a lovely adult man....there for her, and their daughters..... granddaughters....SonIL.  Without fail.  Always....with feminine side and humor in balance.....not ruined by the toxic masculinity culture.....who want to lable him horrible things, but can't bc he's also equally masculine.  They're so confused ...have no way of squaring that up in their limited toddler understanding of the world.....women less than.  Men better.  Men break things, get loud.....ummmm, again, toddlers get loud/break things.  Something in their brains has been disconnected.....logic......reason.  Its like they're casting a spell on themselves.... pretending women lack logic and reason......creating legends, with them as heroes....women as unlikable and unproductive dependants, to be dismissed, even as they depend on us. I'm working through this, for what comes next, with daughters.

And.....I think some of the toxic men actually believe it's manly to cheat, and make fools of women.  THAT is their pov.....for reals. Then they go all wide eyed and finger point at the reactivity they created.  Gaslighting.  I am SO unwilling to engage in the games.  Shocked at the blowback, refusal to engage, creates in men....and some women.



Blech, and I hope women continue to SEE through the veil of tedious misogyny, dressed up as "the norm", by men and women (the ignorant and the intentional.)  Dropping the rope......scary, but necessary.  Choice restored, but then....those charming mf'ing pigs. The one's who set traps, are good enough, long enough....till commitment is in place.  There should be classes taught on THIS
one
 predatory
 reality.  I mean....from a young age.



I wasn't aware.....not in a way I could clarify.  My sister could.  Always. From early twenties....she knew, and resented it. 

My girls have mouths full of the stuff.  They KNOW.....things, but have they honed their instincts, and learned to honor them, without fail?  It takes mindful practice. Lessons....learning the hard way. There's been a guy full of hard lessons.....so many.

I have family traveling all over the world for holidays.....boating, helicoptering, taking many flights.....airports pretty empty, I'm hearing. Will be relieved, when everyone is back home, safe.

We're out of the flu woods. All over, but the coughing.

Made chabbit for dinner....chick n thighs in the style of red wine rabbit with garlic and oregano.  Almost identical in flavor and texture, sans the little bones.  Really good.

Lighter

[lighter]

So..... dopamine.  What creates in.  What doesn't.  Habits. Motivation.  Others. Self. Doing. Giving. Receiving. Being still. Escaping. Time enough. Not enough time. Just enough time.

The gut punch of a cancer dx.......a mate's, a parent's, then a child's (not in the family,) but close enough.  We were responsible for the entire family....newly arrived immigrants. Truthfully, the child's dx was the only one I lost my senses over. Everything would stop, if he didn't survive.....my Nervous System didn't have any answers to plug in. I felt like Souron's eye, before it exploded....looking everywhere for answers that would not come.

Of course, the little chap survived after 3 years of the best care....free of charge.....the family fully supported....positive cash flow, in fact.  All their energy went to coping with fear, and healing their youngest child /only son.  Everything stopped for them, but Covid and chemo. The little guy's in HS now.....taller than his parents.....he wants the be pilot.  His sisters graduated nursing school in the Philippines.  All seems well in their world.  I hardly ever hear from them now.....only from the daddy, when his car breaks down, or a toll bill from Toronto arrives.  His English hasn't improved much, and I remain salty about his family refusing to speak English with him.....to help him improve.  Oh well.   

Oh well?  Ya.  Just that.
Oh.
Well.

Water under the bridge, but there's a hard but....a boundary....I won't deal with his wife.  My reasons are my own, and are enough..... I'm sure I  listed them on the board. The husband understands, and that's enough. 

Looking back, I see a thready line of boundaries, developing into secure walls, sans confusion.  Even in the face of misogynistic ridicule, and shaming/disdainful pressure to continue caretaking/doing the work others must now do... I'm never going back, bc that time's passed. Something clicked....however out of character it seems to everyone around me.... it's done.

Being nice isn't an option any more, and it feeeeeeels villainous....but it's just steady, appropriate boundaries held without bobbles. 

Revelation. 

Freedom from generational, and sexist expectations....women will always perform free labor of caretaking everyone....even those kicking them in the teeth (fig.).

Nope. 

And so.....dopamine.  Doing. Giving. Receiving.
Being still....escaping....discerning.

Lighter

[lighter]

Correction......
Youngest DD's sgl mum boss has 7 children. That's shocking to my mind. She's still fighting with her second baby daddy over his having contact with a woman he cheated with. Again, shocking to me. 

DD joined a dating site.....it has prompts.....must address interested parties in a queue....limits pics and info....very clever.  The kids put it on the TV, and sort through it together. Lots of laughter/amusing commentary.....lots of the same type profiles popping up.  Oldest DD says youngest DD doesn't know how to....."deal with it yet."  She'll teach her.  Needs to go on many first dates...... banter more.....respond, not just swipe left, which is the prevailing choice so far.  I think youngest is guarding her energy..... discerning.
::shrug::.

I will say this......both DD's standards are very high..... now.  There's no gifting positive motives, and assuming the best of others.  Things begin at zero...... everything must be earned, humor on board, second half of lifers only.

Lighter

[lighter]

I was running to put away groceries, when I knocked a ceramic mug off the
edge
of
the
counter
in
front of the kitchen SINK.

My right foot auto caught it, but vow I'm in a chair, foot raised mitt ice.

Watching the last episode of Schitt's Creek......
and the after show.....and it's another ending.  Reminding me of my ending here, in the mountains....with my girls, as grown children. 

They'll just.... be grown, figuring stuff out on their own.  Calling me, like I called my Dad.

:: sniff::.

And it's hitting me, as hard as any big change hit.....
endings....
different kinds, of goodbyes, I could see coming.....
understood was imminent.

Feeling better....nothing broken. 

BIL feels competently cared for by new docs.

I'm going back to packing, and planning the last dinner we'll have, living under the same roof full time....the way we are now.

Lighter

[lighter]

Always shocked at how well foot injuries respond to ice, elevation and 800mg of ibuprofen. The difference between crawling for 24 hours, and going back to normal life.....the top of the foot injury more specifically. 

Grilled in 22° burr freezin cold.....forgot the surf, but got 4 other dishes out, and the offer of salad.  No takers for salad.

My brother made the crossing safely yesterday.....I just found out.  It's unnerving to hear nothing, esp when they drive 12 minutes hours after boating 2-4 hours, IME. Long long day.

I'm suddenly very tired.....body wants only to mindlessly digest.  I'll be asleep before 9.  Tomorrow will be a whirlwind of tasks.....the very best way to edit and give away things, is to apply pressure, IME.

I'll check out an architectural graveyard, then Habitat for Humanity at 10am.  Start loading truck with barn wood, if that fails.

Will check, what's on offer, at the lumber yard ....I drove by there today.  Twice.  Didn't think of it.

I love this......making beautiful things out of old, unwanted bits and bobs.  Merging pieces.

Lighter

[lighter]

It's not radically changing everything...... it's doing less of the things, I don't want the do.  It's doing the things....big and small....that I like to do....sans confusion, or guilt..... it's making mindful work of the unconscious belief systems....why it's such a mystery, is my guess.

I woke up with a very sleepy pug....she wanted only bellie rubs.....no breakies or walkie.  Like, she knows this is our last morning, living, the way we do.  She has 2 portions of pug food in the fridge....will get household through the morning.  I'll give a little think to setting them up for.....food better than kibble.  Maybe leave already cooked proteins, canned/fresh/ frozen veg, for them to sort out, or not.

Have to put it down.

House care list almost complete.  Finish, and put it down.

As I walked the pug, I tried to think about only what I want more of.  Proper clothing......is something I'll have to sort.  I notice "Get your sh*t straight," self directed, pops up for me.  Like a manly order, barked in a manly barracks.  My father never stepped foot in a barracks, but that voice lived in his head.  He installed it inside of me.  I just notice it.....move on to validating my upcoming choices......keep best work clothes. The rest will go to the pug's.  That feels fresh and lovely to have sorted. 

What to replace them with?  More difficult.  Many of the clothes in my closet, hardly worn by me, belonged to my mother.  I'll likely never wear them.....but they remind me if her.....are still pieces of her....maybe the kids will want some day.  Difficult to finish them.  It was a huge relief to hand off the suede and western items to my youngest niece.  My brother ordered me to throw everything out, then came back, softer, asking if I still had the items ...his DD wanted them.  Of course, I did. We agreed she'll get some Grandma J jewelry.....time TBD, as she's not a very organized bear, and has personal items in many places.  I don't care if my Grandfather's saddles are lost, but really wanted her to keep them.....bc she loved them.....she may still know where she put them.  I hope

Eating, didn't go how I thought it would, this morning. There was a brooding teenager.....resisting.  Roast chicken and lettuce?  Nope.  I backed up, turned my full attention to the task......pulled out beef and avocado.... resistance vanishing with choice.  And that's one of the moving pieces.  Mindful proactivity......by now.... pretty familiar. Doable, while bumping and gliding along.

, I look forward to more gliding.....maybe some actual full out flying.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, the distributions of "things"... I've been doing that a long time.

I hear you about good work clothes; I'm still looking. I'll let you know if i find something.

[lighter]

It's funny.....I have Carhartt work coats in tan, black, with hoods, without hoods, heavy, and light.....one for every occasion!

But regular clothes?  Nope.

I think it's to do with interests......maybe?

I ordered socks....
So
Many
Socks.

Apparently we live in Torrid Halloween socks, almost exclusively.  I buy them on sale, in bulk, every so often, bc they're roomy, soft and stay up. I'll take all the old mismatched pairs, pitch the singles, and feel so much better about the overtly full sock drawer, built under the stairs.  It's made of barn wood, 3' deep and 18"w......a drawer to be reckoned with, lol. Very convenient, bc shoes are on shelf at front door....keeps same with same, mostly.

For a while we had boots under the entrance landing......if you can picture it, we took out 2x4 railing at top of 2 step landing, then put in antique 10' frosted glass door with mail slot, for privacy, and bc it's was a great place to sit, when open.....to put on shoes.  A long tray, for shoes and boots used to collect dust there....it pulled out.  Now it houses a single mattress for behind the sofa guests..... there's a rolling trundle frame in the garage.

I wish every stair had a pullout drawer for shoes!!!!  The dang thing was solidly built into the house, so settled for new distressed oak treads. 
::shaking head::
Not everyone appreciates distressed wood.

Lighter