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Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
Hopalong:
I think you're right, they're in many ways the same.
Mediation is self-hypnosis, in a way, and hypnosis with the clinical practitioner is like the difference between yoga alone vs. yoga with teacher.
I do think your martial arts training sounds a lot like your breakdown of how you're changing internally, Lighter.
It's remarkable how all our different methods of self healing are ultimately unique to us as individuals. There's no one size fits all method or pattern, there just isn't. But each of us stumble/walk/study/discover our way to the insights that illuminate our particular paths, and the ways of moving that can help us move down them.
Feeling abstract,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Wow, you guys have been writing me essays, thank you! It will take me a while to read through everything and I just want to write this down quickly while I think of it.
I've been reading a bit about psilocybin being used to treat various conditions, as well as things like cannabis and MDMA. I was watching a thing on YouTube about a guy taking magic mushrooms, and as part of that he mentioned parenting, and how, if we don't form or have a strong bond and/or influence with a parent (or someone in a parental position), then we take our parenting cues and life lessons from our peers - which isn't good, because they're as clueless and inexperienced as we are. He only mentioned it briefly in relation to something else he was talking about but it just rang such a huge bell with me.
My mum was very good at the practical stuff - meals were cooked, clothes washed, house clean, we didn't go without (in fact, on the fairly impoverished estate we lived on we were among the more fortunate kids). But there were no life lessons at all, and never have been. I don't think she's learnt anything in life other than drinking to cope and burning people when they displease her. She passed on absolutely no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing. We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people. And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family. And why I get so crest fallen and upset when it doesn't happen, or sometimes it does but then I stop fitting in for some reason and lose contact with people.
And it made me wonder if it's why I move from place to place - looking for somewhere I can belong and fit in and find the people I want to give me guidance and support. I don't know quite what to make of it yet - it's just a wondering that's been sparked in my mind, but it's something that I want to look into more. Not that it means I won't move - but it's something I'd like to explore in a lot more depth to see if that's something to do with why I never feel I belong anywhere and if I can find some way to fix it rather than moving only to be disappointed again.
Will catch up on the other threads a bit later - off to watch the fireworks in a bit xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing. We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people. And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.
--- End quote ---
That makes so much sense, Tupp. It's like, you have taught yourself SO much but don't give yourself credit for being an amazing teacher -- and learner!
Everybody needs love and belonging, not just competence. I think your competence is over the top. The thing about love and belonging though, is it's different when we're adults. I WISH every adult child of toxic parents could greet people with that raw need. But I think the reality is, building slow, humdrum, ordinary but recurring-regular-repeated connections with people...is what EVENTUALLY turns into "chosen family."
That's why finding people and continuing to connect where there's a small spark of affinity or liking can sometimes turn into actual friendships. We can't start with our raw vulnerability, but with the right people, over time we can be honest and open and share how we truly feel.
It's disarming and a gift, to be trusted. So as you find kind people and gradually see them regularly, those windows for sharing will open, and again OVER TIME, relationships will build. New forms of friendship, some lighter and some deeper...are possible for you. Always.
I'm nearly 70 and I can still make friends. I have fewer and it took me a long time to work in therapy on healing myself before I could get a grip on the raw need, but I'm much more comfortable now finding a balance between over-exposure and wearing a mask. Over time, I learned to be real because I love myself. And I know that if one person or another doesn't click with me, that's OKAY.
We live in a world of people, all of whom need love and belonging. It starts with liking and welcoming, and that means yourself. Then it's easier to extend that vibe to others.
Just my two cents, fwiw...
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 05, 2019, 09:08:48 PM ---
--- Quote ---no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing. We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people. And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.
--- End quote ---
That makes so much sense, Tupp. It's like, you have taught yourself SO much but don't give yourself credit for being an amazing teacher -- and learner!
Everybody needs love and belonging, not just competence. I think your competence is over the top. The thing about love and belonging though, is it's different when we're adults. I WISH every adult child of toxic parents could greet people with that raw need. But I think the reality is, building slow, humdrum, ordinary but recurring-regular-repeated connections with people...is what EVENTUALLY turns into "chosen family."
That's why finding people and continuing to connect where there's a small spark of affinity or liking can sometimes turn into actual friendships. We can't start with our raw vulnerability, but with the right people, over time we can be honest and open and share how we truly feel.
It's disarming and a gift, to be trusted. So as you find kind people and gradually see them regularly, those windows for sharing will open, and again OVER TIME, relationships will build. New forms of friendship, some lighter and some deeper...are possible for you. Always.
I'm nearly 70 and I can still make friends. I have fewer and it took me a long time to work in therapy on healing myself before I could get a grip on the raw need, but I'm much more comfortable now finding a balance between over-exposure and wearing a mask. Over time, I learned to be real because I love myself. And I know that if one person or another doesn't click with me, that's OKAY.
We live in a world of people, all of whom need love and belonging. It starts with liking and welcoming, and that means yourself. Then it's easier to extend that vibe to others.
Just my two cents, fwiw...
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hopsie, I think it's worth a lot more than two cents - especially what you say about finding the balance between over exposure and wearing a mask. I think that's probably my biggest challenge - being real and authentic, without feeling raw and vulnerable and without then feeling very rejected and hurt (and quite sulky and tantrum like, if I'm honest), but equally not pretending, which I find exhausting. And I think that's such a big thing with parenting - if you've got that safe space at home where you can utterly be yourself without being rejected or punished for being bad it gives you so much freedom to grown and develop. And if you don't have that it can create so many problems :)
I was listening to talks by Dr Gabor Mate last night. I went into a bit of a rabbit hole with various things and he talks about the links between emotions (usually unexpressed) and illness and about how we learn to repress our gut instincts from a very young age through social conditioning and parenting situations. It rang so many bells with me, particularly his thoughts on ignoring our gut instincts (which he thinks causes people a lot of problems in life). What I found particularly helpful about that is that I've really struggled to work out where it all went wrong for us with moving here, because I can't see where I made the error. With other things I can see where I ignored a red flag, or I didn't follow advice I was given, but I couldn't see anything like that with our current situation. Every step I took is the same step I would take with any move or education selection for my son. But when he talked about gut instinct I remembered two instances where I was thinking "no" but then my logic and reasoning over-ruled and I went ahead. The first was with getting back into the system with my son - we were having a lot of problems and I was already exhausted from fighting and was going to go back to home ed. Someone talked me out of it but I was right - we should have stuck with home ed. And secondly was this house. When we came to look round it, before I even got through the front door I thought "No way". The estate isn't nice, parking isn't great, the house itself was a wreck - filthy dirty, small, badly planned and it stank. The lady next door was screaming at her dog to shut up, the garden was horribly over-grown and it was more expensive than the lovely, spacious, clean flat I was currently living in. And I just thought "no way". But then I thought through the day and decided that my son's education was more important than where we live and I agreed to it. But I was wrong - we should have stayed where we were and we should have carried on home educating. I should have listened to my gut but I went with logic and reasoning instead. So today's lesson is listening to my gut, and my instinct as I woke this morning was to spend eight hours working on my health today, instead of eight hours working on my to do list :) So I am back in bed, listening to relaxing music, drinking tea and reading on Voiceless :) Lol xx
Hopalong:
I hear you, Tupp.
My heart sank when I first began to hear your descriptions of the mold, damp, dirt, cramped space, etc. Your nobility in combating despair there has been just incredible. Valiant and moving.
You WILL look back (from a well-lit, un-damp, pleasant space you've made your own, not through heroism but because it has decent bones to decorate!) on the current flat as a nadir. A touchstone.
You're pushing off from this. Whether it's six months or a year, you're not going to accept this level of discomfort or misery long-term for yourself OR your son.
I'm so sorry -- but I so get it. Should I give a list of everything I've learned the hard way? It'd be longer than a novel!!
I hope you don't berate yourself AT ALL, not even a TINY BIT...for a belated realization about the place. You had your priority, your boy, and you gave it everything you have. What is beautiful is how fertile you are for realization and learning and awakening and developing and internalizing and knitting together the pieces of knowledge you really do acquire, that are real and mature and reliable and valuable and awesome.
YOU are awesome.
So while you cuddle up to self care today, I hope you are feeling self-respect stream in the window. It's there and you deserve to feel it.
Love
Hops
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