Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on November 11, 2019, 09:52:52 AM ---I'm glad you're seeing more possibility, and feeling less trapped, Tupp.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks Lighter. I cope better when there is some sort of practical action I can take, even if it's just checking something else out.
I've been thinking more about boundaries and friends who I feel abandon me - and wondering if it's to do with boundaries and my friends from my past being more attracted to people without boundaries (as I used to be) and if that's why the bonds aren't as strong now and it doesn't work so well. I don't know. Just a wondering in my head.
lighter:
That makes sense, Tupp.
I used to be very intimidated by people with healthy boundaries. I didn't know what I was seeing, but it felt like I didn't know how to respond. Like a different language, really.
Your sense of people being attracted to others without boundaries might be very keen.
Perhaps suddenly having boundaries set, where there used to be none, feels odd, and alien.... like a different language out of the blue, for some of your friends.
I can't say for sure, but for every action, there's a reaction, right?
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on November 12, 2019, 10:13:19 AM ---That makes sense, Tupp.
I used to be very intimidated by people with healthy boundaries. I didn't know what I was seeing, but it felt like I didn't know how to respond. Like a different language, really.
Your sense of people being attracted to others without boundaries might be very keen.
Perhaps suddenly having boundaries set, where there used to be none, feels odd, and alien.... like a different language out of the blue, for some of your friends.
I can't say for sure, but for every action, there's a reaction, right?
Lighter
--- End quote ---
That's what I'm wondering, Lighter, I did used to be the sort of person that would drop everything when someone wanted something, would do endless favours and expect nothing in return, would be constantly available and listen endlessly. So perhaps changing that does sound like a "I don't want you in my life anymore" to other people, whereas to me it's "I do want you in my life which is why I have to say no sometimes". It's something to think about, isn't it? I'm trying to think if I've ever been friends with anyone with good boundaries and only one person is springing to mind. Maybe two. So perhaps there is something in it. I will think some more lol xx
lighter:
I think there are people who set boundaries very casually.... sans drama.
There are people who stomp all over us when setting boundaries, or it feeeels that way.
My best friend was the former. Her DIL the latter.
I'd like to be someone who sets boundaries without feeling emotionally upset. It's just that, for most of us who've never had boundaries, we sometimes have to get all wound up, and pushed to our limit before we begin setting boundaries at all.
We also think about what response we might get, and worry about things that haven't happened yet.
I have to remember SOOOPHing.. stay out of other people's heads.
::nod::.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on November 12, 2019, 12:03:08 PM ---I think there are people who set boundaries very casually.... sans drama.
There are people who stomp all over us when setting boundaries, or it feeeels that way.
My best friend was the former. Her DIL the latter.
I'd like to be someone who sets boundaries without feeling emotionally upset. It's just that, for most of us who've never had boundaries, we sometimes have to get all wound up, and pushed to our limit before we begin setting boundaries at all.
We also think about what response we might get, and worry about things that haven't happened yet.
I have to remember SOOOPHing.. stay out of other people's heads.
::nod::.
--- End quote ---
Yes, Lighter, I do find I wrangle back and forth over whether or not my boundaries are okay to set. I turn it over in my mind a lot - whether it's okay for me to say no or not now. And whether what I'm saying will upset or offend the other person. And then I think to myself well, they're adults as well - they can tell me if they're upset or bothered and deal with it directly, instead of me second guessing and trying to pre-empt it for them. It is a difficult one to deal with and I would like to be able to do it without such a lot of thinking each time.
But - I have been setting a boundary for myself of giving myself the first eight hours of each day for rest, relaxation, health and well being. And then not forcing myself to work after that eight hours if I don't want to. And giving myself two full days a week where I focus only on health and wellbeing and don't worry about anything else. I am starting to feel the difference. I don't feel exhausted when I wake up now. I'm managing to do yoga most days, which does help my back. I went for a walk yesterday, and I can't remember the last time I did that. Several months, at least. It feels a bit counter intuitive to do nothing in order to organise moving house but I have accepted now that my health has been damaged with all the years of constant stress and I want to preserve it. That's the most important thing now. And moving house isn't going to happen if I'm too exhausted to do anything. I want to at least feel well, even if nothing else seems to be working out for me.
It's funny but when we moved here I had a thing in my head of spending a year healing, but I had in my mind lots of long walks on the beach, plants everywhere, meditation classes. Kind of pretty healing. Healing has been taking place but it's been raw and ugly and very painful. I think good will come of it but it's been like giving birth to an alien. Weird how things happen in a different way to the way we imagine.
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