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Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
Twoapenny:
Something else that's occurred to me over the last couple of days is how I feel that something (or someone) needs to be 'bad' for me to not want it. I don't naturally feel that it's alright to want more, or have higher standards, or just like something (or someone) better. I feel like there have to be faults with things or people for me to reject them (to the extent it does me harm) rather than just feeling it's okay not to want to spend time with someone just because I find them a bit boring.
I know I've noticed it before with people - I don't feel I can cut people out unless they do something wrong - but it's come up more just lately with me realising I do want a nice house, not a 'that will do' house. I'm tired of having to make do. And there are friends whose company I don't find enjoyable any more and I don't particularly want to spend time with them now. The one who moans about her boyfriend endlessly. The one who has no interest in anything her children do. The one whose only interest is everything her son does.
Not quite sure what to do with it. But I am going to try to just think, "Do I like/enjoy/want this person, home, piece of furniture, item of clothing, plate of food, or whatever it is? Or do I feel I ought to, or I need to find a reason to say no?" I think that will be this weekend's home work.
In other news - son has stopped his sessions with the speech and occupational therapists (funding has come to an end) - and seems to be doing better. Not so tired and grumpy all the time. So I am wondering now if they were overdoing things with him and making him do too much. Might just be a coincidence but I will write it down and keep an eye on things for now.
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on November 15, 2019, 02:48:51 AM ---Something else that's occurred to me over the last couple of days is how I feel that something (or someone) needs to be 'bad' for me to not want it. I don't naturally feel that it's alright to want more, or have higher standards, or just like something (or someone) better. I feel like there have to be faults with things or people for me to reject them (to the extent it does me harm) rather than just feeling it's okay not to want to spend time with someone just because I find them a bit boring. I want to explore what you said above.... there are things in my life that need sorting. Great observation.
I know I've noticed it before with people - I don't feel I can cut people out unless they do something wrong - but it's come up more just lately with me realising I do want a nice house, not a 'that will do' house. I'm tired of having to make do. And there are friends whose company I don't find enjoyable any more and I don't particularly want to spend time with them now. The one who moans about her boyfriend endlessly. The one who has no interest in anything her children do. The one whose only interest is everything her son does. It makes me a little sad to think in terms of cutting people OUT. I'd like to think in terms of refiling people where they belong in my life, and people can be refiled... should be refiled as life goes on, IME. You're such a compassionate person, I can see how the idea of "cutting someone out" would feel disturbing. It feels that way for me too.
Not quite sure what to do with it. But I am going to try to just think, "Do I like/enjoy/want this person, home, piece of furniture, item of clothing, plate of food, or whatever it is? Or do I feel I ought to, or I need to find a reason to say no?" I think that will be this weekend's home work. Yes yes yes, Tupp. Wonderful homework.... being observant and curious about your preferences, and feelings.
::nodding::.
In other news - son has stopped his sessions with the speech and occupational therapists (funding has come to an end) - and seems to be doing better. Not so tired and grumpy all the time. So I am wondering now if they were overdoing things with him and making him do too much. Might just be a coincidence but I will write it down and keep an eye on things for now. That's great, and hopefully will make for a more relaxing weekend: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Lighter :) Today has been a day of thinking. I'm thinking about communal living set ups again. I'm looking at all our different options. There are pros and cons for each scenario, and possible disaster outcomes as well - I don't think we can have a situation where I might not find that I think I've made a dreadful mistake a year down the line. I am conscious of the fact that I'm very, very depleted and I'm not sure how many more disasters I have got the energy to get through. That makes me feel nervous. But equally carrying on like we are makes me feel nervous.
One commune I looked at isn't too far from where we are now, and one of the things I read about them is that they have a weekly get together to discuss their feelings, about practical matters, personal matters, financial matters. They describe it as an intrinsic part of their set up and acknowledge it can be very difficult to talk about feelings but that they feel peaceful conflict resolution, in a safe space, on a regular basis, is a key part of growth and self development. As someone who really doesn't like conflict and often swallows what they want to say I initially recoiled when I read that. And then started to think it might be just what I need. Mmmm. Will think about it some more. They run open days so we could go along to visit just to get a bit more of an idea of how it all works xx
Hopalong:
Tupp, you make so much SENSE.
And it's possible that a well-motivated communal living arrangement would create phamily for you and son, and ease the loneliness. You're also wise to recognize that some personalities do show toxicity in some communal situations. No harm in visiting and it'll be interesting!
I think in some apartment settings, a spontaneous support network forms. I noticed that a lot at the independent living old-folks apartment place I worked in. They were always up and down halls and popping in on each other to check on well being, and there were many friendships, ongoing card games, music and book gatherings. I think most people are attached to the idea of "single family" living as an ideal in this country....but when you're carrying a heavy load, as you are, OR you are beginning to note the effects of aging, others in rooms or units nearby can make a difference in your sense of security. If it's one of those community-minded places. Some are and some aren't, and the only way to find out is meet some people who live there and ask a lot of questions.
I know that for the first time I'm opening up to the idea of a downtown condo. Largely because I have friends in a lovely one with a huge terrace, mountain views, and they often mention friends they've met there. How nice in bad weather to be able to invite someone in for a drink or meal without going out!
Next week M and I are going to look at one of those, and also a renovated old house downtown. He's just expressed concern about stairs, and that place has a first floor master and an outbuilding that could be renovated into study/studio. I'd be happy with upstairs BR and office; my knees are better than his and my mother climbed stairs until she was 95.
It's both daunting and exciting to think there might be A Place for Us. And I know there's one for you and son too. Keep looking and don't be afraid.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 16, 2019, 07:51:26 AM ---Tupp, you make so much SENSE.
And it's possible that a well-motivated communal living arrangement would create phamily for you and son, and ease the loneliness. You're also wise to recognize that some personalities do show toxicity in some communal situations. No harm in visiting and it'll be interesting!
I think in some apartment settings, a spontaneous support network forms. I noticed that a lot at the independent living old-folks apartment place I worked in. They were always up and down halls and popping in on each other to check on well being, and there were many friendships, ongoing card games, music and book gatherings. I think most people are attached to the idea of "single family" living as an ideal in this country....but when you're carrying a heavy load, as you are, OR you are beginning to note the effects of aging, others in rooms or units nearby can make a difference in your sense of security. If it's one of those community-minded places. Some are and some aren't, and the only way to find out is meet some people who live there and ask a lot of questions.
I know that for the first time I'm opening up to the idea of a downtown condo. Largely because I have friends in a lovely one with a huge terrace, mountain views, and they often mention friends they've met there. How nice in bad weather to be able to invite someone in for a drink or meal without going out!
Next week M and I are going to look at one of those, and also a renovated old house downtown. He's just expressed concern about stairs, and that place has a first floor master and an outbuilding that could be renovated into study/studio. I'd be happy with upstairs BR and office; my knees are better than his and my mother climbed stairs until she was 95.
It's both daunting and exciting to think there might be A Place for Us. And I know there's one for you and son too. Keep looking and don't be afraid.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hops you can install a helter skelter to get back downstairs again, it would be so much fun! Lol. Yes I think that looking ahead and knowing that there may not be a time when you can do it all on your own makes so much sense and it's lovely to go house hunting when you have options and can take your time, rather than waiting until it becomes urgent. More and more people here now are getting together and buying or renting large properties - creating their own communities as the towns and cities lose theirs and the smaller villages are expensive to buy in and don't tend to have good public transport so it's not easy.
I am aware that I'm finding it harder and harder to keep going. Just the lack of contact and isolation. Most days we spend about 22 hours out of 24 at home, and when we're out it's often just the two of us. College has shown me that state care is just too much for him and isn't going to work well so I'm definitely wanting to keep that as a last resort. Having people around all the time does worry me a bit but if we can find a place that's big enough for people to wander about and not be in each other's faces all the time, and who have good systems in place for sorting out problems then I think it could be a good thing. I would really like son to have some men around regularly, just to get that different perspective. Most paid carers are women so he doesn't spend an awful lot of time with blokes and it would be great if that could change. So yes, we're popping over to one tomorrow. They do a fun day each week; anyone can go, they run it all from the house and it's all focused on celebration of life and a community lunch (£3 in the pot and they do a big veggie feast for however many turn up). I emailed them to see if it was okay to bring son and they were so welcoming and have had a lad with similar difficulties before so that encouraged me. So we'll pop over tomorrow and join in for a couple of hours and see how we go. They are based in a lovely historic town, which, legend has it, housed Camelot from the King Arthur legends. Lots of history and a real hippy vibe to it as well, son and I both like that. So we'll see what happens :) xx
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