Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on November 19, 2019, 08:54:42 AM ---Hi, Tupp:
Calmer is better.
I liked how you handled being late to the open house at the commune..... it just wasn't meant to happen that day. You switched up, and explored the town without anxiety.
Feeling we're exactly where we're supposed to be, in this moment, is a nice way to feel, and live, IME.
We have arrived.
We are home: )
Home is inside us, not in a town: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, I'm not sure exactly what's happened but something has definitely shifted and I'm finding it easier to put us first. Maybe I'm just too exhausted to think about other people anymore, but I am finding it easier to think - shall we do that? No, not today. A lot of my fear of disappointing or upsetting people is a throwback to my mum, who would be offended or critical about just about everything. So I do need to keep reminding myself that other people don't have an epic meltdown because you washed your cup. Or didn't. Or because you knew where to park. Or didn't. Or because you got somewhere late and decided to postpone. Or didn't. Other people can take all sorts of things in their stride and IT ISN'T MY JOB TO SORT THINGS OUT FOR THEM. I think I need to tattoo that in CAPS somewhere on my body :) Lol.
And yes, you're right, home is inside us, and what's inside me now is a very definite need for calm and quiet and things being a good use of my time. Do I want to listen to this friend complaining about x, y and z or do I want to read my book? Do I want to feel anxious and rushed at a house meeting or do I want to wander around the town without any troubles or restrictions? It's kind of hard for me to feel completely comfortable with not being hypervigilent but I am really trying because I'm blooming well sick of having all my tentacles on high alert all the time.
On a more practical note, I am moving through my jobs list and getting little things done that have been sitting waiting for me to do them for years, in some cases. I made a big draught excluder out of a pair of old jeans and I've started cutting up son's old clothes make him a cushion cover for his bed (these bits of fabric have been in my scrap bag for well over a year waiting for me to do something with them). My salt lamp, unlit for many years, now has a new bulb and is beaming away in my front room. The lovely piece of glass that someone gave me 4? 5? years ago is now clipped and ready to be hung on a wall, instead of being kept in a box for when I 'get round to it'. I took some bits of jewellery I don't wear any more into town and sold them and I'm pricing up bits to sell at a car boot sale the next time we have a dry weekend. I'm making meals out of those odds and ends of things you get in the back of the freezer and the cupboard. Emails are up to date, a financial hoo ha to do with son's payments is sorted and paperwork is filed away with a pile ready to go through the shredder. I've made myself a routine up for morning and evening's; mostly to do with being organised and planning but I'm hoping it will help me to sleep better as I do feel so tired so much of the time. I don't think it's necessarily more hours I need, just better quality. So hopefully a better start and end to the day will help. It feels like it's going okay and I feel alright about it all at the minute xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---I'm blooming well sick of having all my tentacles on high alert all the time.
--- End quote ---
And that was a beautiful, heartwarming, inspirational and delightful thing to read!
Kudos, Tupp. I think you're actually beginning to regard yourself kindly. To experience some simple self love.
I love this.
Huge hugs,
Hops
lighter:
My body actually relaxed a bit as I read your update, Tupp.
Such a nice way to spend the hours.... touching and doing things we left undone. Putting intention in action, it's..... a place in the brain.
It IS a shift, Tupp: )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Thank you, both :) Something has shifted, not perfectly, I'm not feeling new and improved, but there is definitely less of a need to people please and do what suits others. I'm thinking now we probably won't get over to the house until December as it will be difficult to shoehorn in to the next two weekends and that's okay. Whatever happens, I want that first visit to be relaxed and informal, and not to feel like a test of will and endurance. I'm very tired today and my back's sore and the difference that makes to my negative thinking is huge. So I do need to keep focusing on health, before anything else, and not focus on 'doing' at the sake of everything else.
It is good to get those little jobs done and out of the way. I've got more things to price up for the car boot sale and several things to give away on Freecycle (3 old duvets for one - I didn't even know I had three old duvets. They take up so much space and I didn't even realise I had them, so they are going off asap). The house is cluttered but in an organised way, as its clutter that's on its way out of the house so it's okay. I've been feeling upset again about the lack of contact from friends and it's pushing me towards the communal living idea again, so that I don't have to rely on other people being free to avoid feeling lonely. It's funny how tiredness makes that feel worse as well.
Son is pretty good at the moment; he's tired but we're done for the day now so he can relax in his room while I get on with clearing things out.
Hopalong:
I am mentally there bringing you a steaming
cuppa chamomile and running a magnesium salts bath
for your back!
Sleep well, Tupp. Beware letting the holidays
calendar into your psyche. It's just another DAY.
I remember lonely holidays but it got much, much
easier the more I decided it was a day in which to
enjoy the quiet, and people on the street being nicer.
Left it at that and it worked....
Be cozy, be kind to yourself.
Big hugs
Hops
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