Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you're seeing more possibility, and feeling less trapped, Tupp.

Lighter

Thanks Lighter.  I cope better when there is some sort of practical action I can take, even if it's just checking something else out.

I've been thinking more about boundaries and friends who I feel abandon me - and wondering if it's to do with boundaries and my friends from my past being more attracted to people without boundaries (as I used to be) and if that's why the bonds aren't as strong now and it doesn't work so well.  I don't know.  Just a wondering in my head.

[lighter]

That makes sense, Tupp.

I used to be very intimidated by people with healthy boundaries.  I didn't know what I was seeing, but it felt like I didn't know how to respond.  Like a different language, really.

Your sense of people being attracted to others without boundaries might be very keen. 

Perhaps suddenly having boundaries set, where there used to be none, feels odd, and alien.... like a different language out of the blue, for some of your friends.

I can't say for sure, but for every action, there's a reaction, right?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

That makes sense, Tupp.

I used to be very intimidated by people with healthy boundaries.  I didn't know what I was seeing, but it felt like I didn't know how to respond.  Like a different language, really.

Your sense of people being attracted to others without boundaries might be very keen. 

Perhaps suddenly having boundaries set, where there used to be none, feels odd, and alien.... like a different language out of the blue, for some of your friends.

I can't say for sure, but for every action, there's a reaction, right?

Lighter

That's what I'm wondering, Lighter, I did used to be the sort of person that would drop everything when someone wanted something, would do endless favours and expect nothing in return, would be constantly available and listen endlessly.  So perhaps changing that does sound like a "I don't want you in my life anymore" to other people, whereas to me it's "I do want you in my life which is why I have to say no sometimes".  It's something to think about, isn't it?  I'm trying to think if I've ever been friends with anyone with good boundaries and only one person is springing to mind.  Maybe two.  So perhaps there is something in it.  I will think some more lol xx

[lighter]

I think there are people who set boundaries very casually.... sans drama.

There are people who stomp all over us when setting boundaries, or it feeeels that way. 

My best friend was the former.  Her DIL the latter.

I'd like to be someone who sets boundaries without feeling emotionally upset.   It's just that, for most of us who've never had boundaries, we sometimes have to get all wound up, and pushed to our limit before we begin setting boundaries at all.

We also think about what response we might get, and worry about things that haven't happened yet. 

I have to remember SOOOPHing.. stay out of other people's heads.

::nod::.

[Twoapenny]

I think there are people who set boundaries very casually.... sans drama.

There are people who stomp all over us when setting boundaries, or it feeeels that way. 

My best friend was the former.  Her DIL the latter.

I'd like to be someone who sets boundaries without feeling emotionally upset.   It's just that, for most of us who've never had boundaries, we sometimes have to get all wound up, and pushed to our limit before we begin setting boundaries at all.

We also think about what response we might get, and worry about things that haven't happened yet. 

I have to remember SOOOPHing.. stay out of other people's heads.

::nod::.

Yes, Lighter, I do find I wrangle back and forth over whether or not my boundaries are okay to set.  I turn it over in my mind a lot - whether it's okay for me to say no or not now.  And whether what I'm saying will upset or offend the other person.  And then I think to myself well, they're adults as well - they can tell me if they're upset or bothered and deal with it directly, instead of me second guessing and trying to pre-empt it for them.  It is a difficult one to deal with and I would like to be able to do it without such a lot of thinking each time.

But - I have been setting a boundary for myself of giving myself the first eight hours of each day for rest, relaxation, health and well being.  And then not forcing myself to work after that eight hours if I don't want to.  And giving myself two full days a week where I focus only on health and wellbeing and don't worry about anything else.  I am starting to feel the difference.  I don't feel exhausted when I wake up now.  I'm managing to do yoga most days, which does help my back.  I went for a walk yesterday, and I can't remember the last time I did that.  Several months, at least.  It feels a bit counter intuitive to do nothing in order to organise moving house but I have accepted now that my health has been damaged with all the years of constant stress and I want to preserve it.  That's the most important thing now.  And moving house isn't going to happen if I'm too exhausted to do anything.  I want to at least feel well, even if nothing else seems to be working out for me.

It's funny but when we moved here I had a thing in my head of spending a year healing, but I had in my mind lots of long walks on the beach, plants everywhere, meditation classes.  Kind of pretty healing.  Healing has been taking place but it's been raw and ugly and very painful.  I think good will come of it but it's been like giving birth to an alien.  Weird how things happen in a different way to the way we imagine.

[Twoapenny]

Something else that's occurred to me over the last couple of days is how I feel that something (or someone) needs to be 'bad' for me to not want it.  I don't naturally feel that it's alright to want more, or have higher standards, or just like something (or someone) better.  I feel like there have to be faults with things or people for me to reject them (to the extent it does me harm) rather than just feeling it's okay not to want to spend time with someone just because I find them a bit boring.

I know I've noticed it before with people - I don't feel I can cut people out unless they do something wrong - but it's come up more just lately with me realising I do want a nice house, not a 'that will do' house.  I'm tired of having to make do.  And there are friends whose company I don't find enjoyable any more and I don't particularly want to spend time with them now.  The one who moans about her boyfriend endlessly.  The one who has no interest in anything her children do.  The one whose only interest is everything her son does.

Not quite sure what to do with it.  But I am going to try to just think, "Do I like/enjoy/want this person, home, piece of furniture, item of clothing, plate of food, or whatever it is?  Or do I feel I ought to, or I need to find a reason to say no?"  I think that will be this weekend's home work.

In other news - son has stopped his sessions with the speech and occupational therapists (funding has come to an end) - and seems to be doing better.  Not so tired and grumpy all the time.  So I am wondering now if they were overdoing things with him and making him do too much.  Might just be a coincidence but I will write it down and keep an eye on things for now.

[lighter]

Something else that's occurred to me over the last couple of days is how I feel that something (or someone) needs to be 'bad' for me to not want it.  I don't naturally feel that it's alright to want more, or have higher standards, or just like something (or someone) better.  I feel like there have to be faults with things or people for me to reject them (to the extent it does me harm) rather than just feeling it's okay not to want to spend time with someone just because I find them a bit boring.  I want to explore what you said above.... there are things in my life that need sorting.  Great observation.

I know I've noticed it before with people - I don't feel I can cut people out unless they do something wrong - but it's come up more just lately with me realising I do want a nice house, not a 'that will do' house.  I'm tired of having to make do.  And there are friends whose company I don't find enjoyable any more and I don't particularly want to spend time with them now.  The one who moans about her boyfriend endlessly.  The one who has no interest in anything her children do.  The one whose only interest is everything her son does.  It makes me a little sad to think in terms of cutting people OUT.   I'd like to think in terms of refiling people where they belong in my life, and people can be refiled...  should be refiled as life goes on,  IME.  You're such a compassionate person, I can see how the idea of "cutting someone out" would feel disturbing.  It feels that way for me too.

Not quite sure what to do with it.  But I am going to try to just think, "Do I like/enjoy/want this person, home, piece of furniture, item of clothing, plate of food, or whatever it is?  Or do I feel I ought to, or I need to find a reason to say no?"  I think that will be this weekend's home work.  Yes yes yes, Tupp.   Wonderful homework.... being observant and curious about your preferences, and feelings.

::nodding::.

In other news - son has stopped his sessions with the speech and occupational therapists (funding has come to an end) - and seems to be doing better.  Not so tired and grumpy all the time.  So I am wondering now if they were overdoing things with him and making him do too much.  Might just be a coincidence but I will write it down and keep an eye on things for now.  That's great, and hopefully will make for a more relaxing weekend: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter   Today has been a day of thinking.  I'm thinking about communal living set ups again.  I'm looking at all our different options.  There are pros and cons for each scenario, and possible disaster outcomes as well - I don't think we can have a situation where I might not find that I think I've made a dreadful mistake a year down the line.  I am conscious of the fact that I'm very, very depleted and I'm not sure how many more disasters I have got the energy to get through.  That makes me feel nervous.  But equally carrying on like we are makes me feel nervous.

One commune I looked at isn't too far from where we are now, and one of the things I read about them is that they have a weekly get together to discuss their feelings, about practical matters, personal matters, financial matters.  They describe it as an intrinsic part of their set up and acknowledge it can be very difficult to talk about feelings but that they feel peaceful conflict resolution, in a safe space, on a regular basis, is a key part of growth and self development.  As someone who really doesn't like conflict and often swallows what they want to say I initially recoiled when I read that.  And then started to think it might be just what I need.  Mmmm.  Will think about it some more.  They run open days so we could go along to visit just to get a bit more of an idea of how it all works xx

[Hopalong]

Tupp, you make so much SENSE.
And it's possible that a well-motivated communal living arrangement would create phamily for you and son, and ease the loneliness. You're also wise to recognize that some personalities do show toxicity in some communal situations. No harm in visiting and it'll be interesting!

I think in some apartment settings, a spontaneous support network forms. I noticed that a lot at the independent living old-folks apartment place I worked in. They were always up and down halls and popping in on each other to check on well being, and there were many friendships, ongoing card games, music and book gatherings. I think most people are attached to the idea of "single family" living as an ideal in this country....but when you're carrying a heavy load, as you are, OR you are beginning to note the effects of aging, others in rooms or units nearby can make a difference in your sense of security. If it's one of those community-minded places. Some are and some aren't, and the only way to find out is meet some people who live there and ask a lot of questions.

I know that for the first time I'm opening up to the idea of a downtown condo. Largely because I have friends in a lovely one with a huge terrace, mountain views, and they often mention friends they've met there. How nice in bad weather to be able to invite someone in for a drink or meal without going out!

Next week M and I are going to look at one of those, and also a renovated old house downtown. He's just expressed concern about stairs, and that place has a first floor master and an outbuilding that could be renovated into study/studio. I'd be happy with upstairs BR and office; my knees are better than his and my mother climbed stairs until she was 95.

It's both daunting and exciting to think there might be A Place for Us. And I know there's one for you and son too. Keep looking and don't be afraid.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, you make so much SENSE.
And it's possible that a well-motivated communal living arrangement would create phamily for you and son, and ease the loneliness. You're also wise to recognize that some personalities do show toxicity in some communal situations. No harm in visiting and it'll be interesting!

I think in some apartment settings, a spontaneous support network forms. I noticed that a lot at the independent living old-folks apartment place I worked in. They were always up and down halls and popping in on each other to check on well being, and there were many friendships, ongoing card games, music and book gatherings. I think most people are attached to the idea of "single family" living as an ideal in this country....but when you're carrying a heavy load, as you are, OR you are beginning to note the effects of aging, others in rooms or units nearby can make a difference in your sense of security. If it's one of those community-minded places. Some are and some aren't, and the only way to find out is meet some people who live there and ask a lot of questions.

I know that for the first time I'm opening up to the idea of a downtown condo. Largely because I have friends in a lovely one with a huge terrace, mountain views, and they often mention friends they've met there. How nice in bad weather to be able to invite someone in for a drink or meal without going out!

Next week M and I are going to look at one of those, and also a renovated old house downtown. He's just expressed concern about stairs, and that place has a first floor master and an outbuilding that could be renovated into study/studio. I'd be happy with upstairs BR and office; my knees are better than his and my mother climbed stairs until she was 95.

It's both daunting and exciting to think there might be A Place for Us. And I know there's one for you and son too. Keep looking and don't be afraid.

Hugs
Hops

Hops you can install a helter skelter to get back downstairs again, it would be so much fun!  Lol.  Yes I think that looking ahead and knowing that there may not be a time when you can do it all on your own makes so much sense and it's lovely to go house hunting when you have options and can take your time, rather than waiting until it becomes urgent.  More and more people here now are getting together and buying or renting large properties - creating their own communities as the towns and cities lose theirs and the smaller villages are expensive to buy in and don't tend to have good public transport so it's not easy.

I am aware that I'm finding it harder and harder to keep going.  Just the lack of contact and isolation.  Most days we spend about 22 hours out of 24 at home, and when we're out it's often just the two of us.  College has shown me that state care is just too much for him and isn't going to work well so I'm definitely wanting to keep that as a last resort.  Having people around all the time does worry me a bit but if we can find a place that's big enough for people to wander about and not be in each other's faces all the time, and who have good systems in place for sorting out problems then I think it could be a good thing.  I would really like son to have some men around regularly, just to get that different perspective.  Most paid carers are women so he doesn't spend an awful lot of time with blokes and it would be great if that could change.  So yes, we're popping over to one tomorrow.  They do a fun day each week; anyone can go, they run it all from the house and it's all focused on celebration of life and a community lunch (£3 in the pot and they do a big veggie feast for however many turn up).  I emailed them to see if it was okay to bring son and they were so welcoming and have had a lad with similar difficulties before so that encouraged me.  So we'll pop over tomorrow and join in for a couple of hours and see how we go.  They are based in a lovely historic town, which, legend has it, housed Camelot from the King Arthur legends.  Lots of history and a real hippy vibe to it as well, son and I both like that.  So we'll see what happens xx

[lighter]

 Yay hippies, Tupp!

And it's hoped this place sorted out the majority of logistics for atypical kids.  Maybe it's not " the situation" you're looking for.  Maybe it's information helping/ leading/pointing toward the one; )

Wouldn't it be nice to chat with a mom who's already researched this her way?  As a jumping off point?

I love it when people share lessons....particularly when I'm in a space to receive and utilize that wisdom.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What was your take on the open house, Tupp?
If nothing more I hope it was an interesting outing and you got some questions answered.

I know you'll be thinking all possibilities through.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both

We didn't make it to the house in the end.  I underestimated the amount of time it would take to get there so we arrived late.  Then we couldn't find the house, then when we did find it there was no parking left.  By the time we'd found somewhere to leave the car we were very late and as it's a timetabled day I thought us turning up halfway through the session might be disruptive to the rest of the group.  I took it all as an omen that our first visit might not go well so we went into town instead and had a wander around.

The town itself is lovely - very old, very quaint and very hippy.  Lots of really bright, colourful shops, an ethical supermarket, people sitting outside cafes, buskers, lots of posters about all sorts of weird and wonderful events.  Definitely a place I'd like to explore more.  We found a nice little cafe and had a hot chocolate and then headed home again.  They run the event weekly so we'll leave earlier next week and try again.

What's been interesting to me is the change in my thinking.  I think I've finally realised where I go wrong and stopped doing it.  Usually I would think about what we need to do to fit in.  Now I'm thinking of all the questions I want to ask and what I want to know so that I know whether they would suit us.  I don't feel intimidated about asking practical questions about costs or the day to day running of the place.  I feel like I can give them a list of things that son does that other people sometimes find difficult - the rocking, the vocal tics, the fact that he does like spending a lot of time in his room and doesn't make eye contact until he feels safe.  I don't feel like I'm begging them to accept us - it feels more like it's just sensible to be open about these things so they can decide if they're alright with it - because if they're not it's better to know now.  They've got vacancies at the minute and my old approach would have been to throw everything at the situation to make it work, so that we didn't lose the rooms.  But now I feel like I'll take my time and if that means the rooms have gone by the time I've worked everything out then so be it.  We'll look around for somewhere else and carry on with our other possible plans as well.  I just don't feel as desperate to leap into something in the hope it will magically make life better.  I'm thinking more about our next two year option - we'll do something for two years, see how it goes and then do something else (if we need to).  It feels like a good process and I feel alright about it all.  But whatever happens we will definitely be more regular visitors to that town; the shops alone are worth the drive over xx

[Twoapenny]

I've changed my to do list around.  I was working on 'Things I Need To Do Before We Move'.  I've changed it to 'Things I Don't Want To Take With Us'.  For some reason that feels better.

I've started pricing up bits for a car boot sale.  I do clear out fairly regularly and I've been stacking stuff in odd places so I've started sorting through and pricing things up to sell.  I've got my old Christening silver - I don't know if you have the same traditions there but here it's usual to buy silver Christening gifts for the baby.  I've still got mine, as well as some bits of jewellery I don't wear any more, so I've dug them out to sell them.  The Christening gifts are engraved with my name and date of birth and I was looking at them and thinking, "I feel like the soul of that little girl died of neglect'.  And I still feel like it now.  Another weekend passed without the phone ringing or a text message from anyone and that is the feeling that I want to get away from.  So I am going to look much more closely into this communal living stuff because I do think having a regular connection with other people will do both son and myself some good.  It would be easier to go out to get some peace and quiet than it is to go out and get company because we have nothing but peace and quiet at home, I think?  Not that I'm envisaging joining some party house; I think it will be a quieter affair than that, but it would be nice to sit down in the evening and have voices around instead of it always being just son and I.  I don't know how he's going to take it or if it will work out for him but we won't know if we don't try.

I have got quite a few bits to sell, which should bring us in some extra money, and I've dragged my sewing machine out to start making things out of my rag bag that I keep meaning to use up and never do.  I don't want to lug that with me to the next place as well.  Lots of jobs to get on with.  I have an old audio cassette of my dad playing about with me and my sister when we were little.  He's getting us to sing and we keep getting it wrong and giggling.  Then you hear him telling us how to apologise to the audience and to try again and we just giggle some more because we can't say 'profusely' and that's what he's trying to get us to say.  I've nothing to play it on so I found a place that can transfer it onto CD and packaged it up to send off.  I've been meaning to do that for a long time.

[Twoapenny]

A little psychological trick I'm trying.  There are thirty jobs on my list - some big, some small.  If I aim for one a day, I can be finished by mid December.  If I'm finished by mid December - we could be out of here by end of January.  Now - there are about a million reasons I can think of to put a spanner in that little plan - but I'm not going to think of them.  I'm just going to aim for one job a day and, then aim to be leaving here by the end of Jan.  I don't know why but in my mind that feels better.  So I am sticking with that for now.