Tuppp's 'On The Move' Thread :)

[Twoapenny]

I've been thinking so much today, and it is so much thinking that I feel like my head is exploding.  But it kind of keeps pushing its way up so I'm going with it.

I'm thinking about radical changes in my life and thinking, how can I do this?  What do I need to change?  The last 18 years has all been focused on son, and on dealing with all my own stuff with my mum and the child protection/public sector stuff that goes along with that.  There's been none of me in any of it.  It's all been about dealing with crisis situations (often created by my mum), repressing myself (in order to try and stay off the radar) and generally getting my head down and getting on with it.  So I've been thinking today, what would life be like if I didn't do that?  What would it look like if I just did what I love and what I'm in to, with no regard for practicality or what the social worker might say or whether or not people think I'm being a good parent.

If I'm honest, if I cut what son needs down to the barest bones, then as long as he's fed three times a day and has a Wi Fi connection he's happy.  In fact, that's when he's at his happiest, with no-one bothering him and just him and his computer games.  It feels utterly, utterly alien to me to say, "Yep - just play on your XBox all day".  But I think it's an idea that I should explore, to give myself some time and space to find me again, without having to cope with the drama of other people looking after him and all the problems that brings.  So I think this is something to think about a bit more.  Although probably not today because I've thought myself half to death now.  Lol.

[lighter]

((Tupp:))

After the 15 years you've had.....
you deserve to be at the top of your list.

You always have.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((Tupp))))

I think holiday season is often a time for both meltdowns and insights. Sometimes nearly simultaneous.

Nothing you describe seems strange to me and your latest, with a sudden image of a lighter life, reducing son's program to what actually seems to make him most content...struck me as a spot of gentle weather. Maybe it's a good direction to think about.

You TRULY don't have to prove any more to yourself or anyone else what an incredible mother you have been to this young man. And you are actually looking at your limits.

You're a human being, not a tank. And you need R & R, even if it's just to stop the endless strategizing and battling. Or even pause them. I don't think you lost the war, despite the painful battles along the way. I think you won. You won him a decent childhood, moments of laughter, and the safety to play his games and find his own form of peace.

You deserve that too. More chamomile heading your way.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both, as always, you always say the things that hit the spot with me   It does feel alien to me not to have to prove myself endlessly, especially where he's concerned, but we were at the cinema the other night and I watched him say "excuse me" to the people he needed to get past and then he sat down next to me and worked on his novel until the film started (he's got an app on his IPAD that he uses).  As soon as the film starts he puts his IPAD away and then he was just transfixed.  He gets completely engrossed in what he's doing (unlike me, my head's always in a dozen places).  And every time something funny happened his face lit up, he was laughing along with everyone else and after the film he waits quietly until everyone else has started to move and then we chatted about it as we went back to the car.  And I thought to myself, do you know what, he's happy?  That's literally the bottom line, he's happy and he enjoys his life.  I at the same age was already drinking heavily and sleeping around, trying desperately to find someone who liked me and I was utterly miserable.  And he isn't.  He's content with his games and his novel writing and trips to the cinema.  So yes, I think maybe now I can take my foot off the pedal a bit and focus on myself a bit more and just see what happens xx

[Twoapenny]

I've felt like I haven't made much progress today but I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is an obvious step forward.  Self care, healthy meals, downtime and regular cleaning/gardening are all steps forward, they just aren't as noticeable.  I just love that feeling of something else being complete and being able to cross it off the list.  Lol.  I've got several bigger jobs on the go at the moment that will take longer to finish but I got a bit more done today.  More pieces cut out for the cushion I'm doing for son's room and some unnecessary paperwork shredded, plus a bit of tidying up in the garden.  I'm trying to keep the evenings calmer and ear mark the time for yoga, mediation and reading, along with getting organised for the next day so that the mornings can start in a calmer way, rather than me having to rush around finding the things we need for the day.  So small steps but they'll add up to bigger things in time.

[lighter]

I've felt like I haven't made much progress today but I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is an obvious step forward.

Hmmmmm.  That looks like judgment to me, Tupp. 

Do you feel that it is?  And is it something asking for attention... to just notice and be very curious about?  Attention might lead to what's behind it.  To where it came from.
Or not; )

Just give yourself loads of compassion. 
I think that's "THE MISSION" right now.  Give in to it, then give in some more, bc for the first time, in a very long time, your head's above water.   

You can breathe now, Tupp.

 Keep breathing, and smiling at the sky,
and beach,
and ds enjoying his XBox,
yup yup yup.
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, it might be different for you...

but when I finally had the time to just "be me"... it took a long time for "me" to come out of hiding behind the "I must DO THIS, THAT and the OTHER THINGS." Even being here totally alone except for mio-mio. The habit of submerging myself under my "function" and "role" and "who I was to other people" was soooooo engrained, even though I fought with it, like a too tight, too hot, itchy wool sweater...

it was truly months & months & months before I started to even get glimpses of my real "self" again... and start to know how to keep that self content, while balancing the "doing" side of life. I even overdid the self awareness thing - and stopped "doing" to an extreme for awhile. Trying to find that range of what is my new "comfort zone". And it's still a work in progress.

Buck asked me if I liked something last night - and I have absolutely no experience with it; none whatsoever. So even tho it sounded kinda snippy - I said, what does it matter what I like? As I learn about it more; gain some experience; then perhaps I will form a preference - but I don't have one right now. There are LOTS of things like that for me. Some of them, other people take for granted... and I feel like I must've been raised by wolves to not know the same things. LOL.

[Hopalong]

Tupp, this was so heartwarming to read and made my chest feel happy:

every time something funny happened his face lit up, he was laughing along with everyone else and after the film he waits quietly until everyone else has started to move and then we chatted about it as we went back to the car.  And I thought to myself, do you know what, he's happy?  That's literally the bottom line, he's happy and he enjoys his life.

Amber, it is blazingly clear that you learned so much sensitivity, awareness of nuance, bravery, survival, deep bonding, and care for others from the wolves.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, you're right, there is judgement in there, and soooo much fear.  I saw the acupuncturist today, talked through the mad rages I've been having again lately and he said he thinks it's overlying fear and that we need to work on that.  I've been trying to do more yoga more regularly and there's one particular sequence involving the hips that seems to unleash so much in me.  Better out than in, I'm assuming, but it seems to be letting out stuff that's been there for such a long time now, sometimes I think it's what holds me up?  He put one needle in my chest and the horrible butterfly sensation stopped in a matter of seconds.  I reacted quite strongly this evening to a couple of emails and it's not what's in the emails themselves, it's what they might lead to if (insert any version of any scenario of the horrible things we've been through over the years) x, y or z happens.  It's quite subtle in my head and I think that's why I often miss it, particularly as I'm often doing three things at the same time.  So I think what I really need to try to do is sloooow right down and in every situation, ask myself whether I'm reacting from fear, and if I am, can I do it a different way?

Skep, that is exactly how I feel at the minute.  If you take away my caring role for son - there's literally nothing there.  No hobbies, no friends, no family, no partner, no energy, no desire to even get out of bed to be honest.  It is a big, yawning chasm and that feels a bit scary but I am really trying to turn it into something exciting - working out what I like and what I want and trying to just enjoy finding out more about myself.  And in the spirit of that - I did not write a to do list today.  I usually have it permanently attached to my arm but this morning I thought no - I'm pretty sure I'll remember we need to eat and there's nothing else that's really urgent so I'll just do what I feel like.  And I spent a good chunk of the day watching TV!  Lol.  Sewing is definitely something I'd like to do more of.  And I've got this book at the moment called 'Drugs in Pots'; it's various herbs and plants that you can use for common ailments and ideas for growing them in tubs around the patio - that's something I'd like to get in to a bit more as well.

Hops, it made my chest happy to see him like that and I think just feeling happy is something we should do more of?  As often as we can, really.  It seems very simple when it's put like that xx

[Twoapenny]

More thinking, more thinking - it's pouring out of me at the moment.  I did write one list - but only of self care and nourishing things that I want to try to keep doing during the day, so it's just a list to remind me to think about myself as well   Lol.

What I woke up thinking about this morning is the huge amount of effort and energy I'm having to put in to coping with the current situation and the huge amount of effort and energy I want to put in to us finding a better life - paid employment, more people around us (of the kind we like, not just people in general), more time spent doing things we enjoy and get pleasure out of.  And I realised I can't do both so I do think I need to choose.  I will give it a lot more thought and do the research (90%, Lighter! lol).  But I think it might be that son doesn't go back to college after Christmas.  We've another two and a bit weeks to go of this term and I'm so exhausted I can hardly stand.  I'm awake between four and five every morning and I wake up worrying about the day.  A lot of my time and energy is going in to trying to cope with the stress and anxiety and I'd really like that time and energy to be going into building up a small business that son and I can both work at and improve our living situation.  No decisions yet.  A miracle may occur over Christmas and it might all be sorted.  But at the moment I feel like we might need to spread our wings fairly soon.  We will see what happens.

[lighter]

OK.  I wasn't sure what you meant... I was worried you were talking about choosing between coping, and looking for better situation... and you could choose ONLY ONE, and that had to be coping.  I see what you were talking about now.

Prioritizing a move....allowing son to take that quarter or semester off so you have energy sounds very reasonable to me.  I trust you, and your intuitions.

I'm personally looking forward to meeting the Tupp behind the struggle.... who's there inside the battling, maternal Amazonian warrior overcomer?

You're making time to stop, put down all the stuff people thrust upon you, and really SEE what you want... who you are.  Who you were born to be. 

You aren't the stories in your life. 

Those things happened TO you, but they aren't YOU.  You can observe those stories and the real things IN those stories, and watch them go by without letting them in, or letting them tip you over.

Observer mode, curiosity, nonjudgmental focus.....
and massive amounts of compassion for yourself in all things...
without fail, Tupp.

See yourself through our filters if you need to, maybe in the tough moments, then pick the thread back up, and know you're on the right path.

You're doing an amazing job, ((((((Tupp))))))).

Astonishingly well. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

OK.  I wasn't sure what you meant... I was worried you were talking about choosing between coping, and looking for better situation... and you could choose ONLY ONE, and that had to be coping.  I see what you were talking about now.

Prioritizing a move....allowing son to take that quarter or semester off so you have energy sounds very reasonable to me.  I trust you, and your intuitions.

I'm personally looking forward to meeting the Tupp behind the struggle.... who's there inside the battling, maternal Amazonian warrior overcomer?

You're making time to stop, put down all the stuff people thrust upon you, and really SEE what you want... who you are.  Who you were born to be. 

You aren't the stories in your life. 

Those things happened TO you, but they aren't YOU.  You can observe those stories and the real things IN those stories, and watch them go by without letting them in, or letting them tip you over.

Observer mode, curiosity, nonjudgmental focus.....
and massive amounts of compassion for yourself in all things...
without fail, Tupp.

See yourself through our filters if you need to, maybe in the tough moments, then pick the thread back up, and know you're on the right path.

You're doing an amazing job, ((((((Tupp))))))).

Astonishingly well. 

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter ((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))  I appreciate your words so much.  Yes, I am thinking to stop putting the energy into coping and start living   I'm so tired, it's just so bone deep and every tiny bit of stress now feels like someone attacking me with a sledge hammer.  It's small things, but they often add up.  Just today, there have been four emails over a trip son is going on next week.  It's transpired that he wasn't being included in the plans for the trip as it's on a day he isn't usually in - but someone's told him all about it and given him all the information, so he wants to go.  I know, with my mum head on, that the total amount he'll be doing now (including this trip) will be too much for him, particularly as we're now entering Christmas season, so I've asked him to take a day off in between but he's refused, because he doesn't want to miss out on something else that's going on.  So my workload will be greater next week and I'm trying to avoid getting to a point where we're both too exhausted to do anything over Christmas.  I don't mind sitting in on my own if I feel alright.  But if I'm exhausted, depressed and hormonal it will be an awful few days and just something else to endure.  I'm tired of enduring.  We went to collect his friend on the way today, he'd made his own way in but no-one let me know so it was a journey we didn't need to make.  The boy's mum is then asking about more lifts for him and I'm saying, no, I don't mind the odd time but not every time.  It's a stress I don't need.  And now the arrangements for next week have changed again (due to all the emails) so now I need to call her over the weekend to tell her I can't do one of the lifts I said I would.  They're all minor things on their own but at the minute everything feels like a big deal and it's a real struggle.  So yes, I think it's time to drop down a gear and focus on what I want more of in my life, which is peace and health and enjoyable times, not an endless drudge of things to cope with.

I'm hoping Tupp behind the struggle is an older, wiser, calmer version of the bubbly, full of life Tupp who used to enjoy life and had hope for the future and thought everything would turn out alright.  I hope she's still in there somewhere and that she'll be able to make her way out one day, just with better boundaries and a more assertive, "bugger off" mode to get rid of difficult people and situations quickly.  Lol.  Thanks, Lighter xx

[lighter]

She's IN there, Tupp.

And she needs to know the universe is on her side.... is friendly... wants good things for her. 

Keep those boundaries in place... folks will figure their own rides out if you can't do it for them.

DS will be tired from all this activity, and so will you, but there's rest on the way with the break from school.  What do you need to do for Christmas anyway?

A little decoration... some lights... I pick up trimmings from Christmas tree lots, and do a little something that smells good in the house, but not much else lately.  A  simple meal that brings comfort... I like CB making a beloved soup recipe this year.  Easier, and it's just nuts to knock ourselves out cooking if we don't feel like it.

Put something on TV you guys love, and relax, Tupp.  The old Christmas movies, or movies you and ds loved together years ago.  Yesterday youngest dd said PREDATOR was OUR movie when she was little.  I laughed at that, but she remembers it with happiness.  I don't remember, but it brings her joy so... we're going to watch Predator, lol.

It's sunny, and windy here..... I have to go check and make sure a bear doesn't get the turkey... it's draining on the back porch, properly spatchcocked. 

A friend asked me to his TG dinner this year, and we were SO happy to go.  Then his father fell ill, so I'm cooking a second big dinner. 

Lord... why do we do this to ourselves?

BTW, I think you're the same person who used to enjoy life, but certainly wiser with better boundaries. It's time cast off old battles, and struggles..... and turn to what's in front of you.  The future you deserve.  The future you're going to build.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lol. Predator is a great film to have as your family tradition, Lighter   Decision has been made - I'm pulling him out.  I went to bed last night having decided that enough was enough and woke up this morning feeling more relaxed than I have in ages.  I haven't told him yet - I will do that in the New Year.  I have wrestled with taking him away from something that, for a lot of the time, he enjoys doing.  But the pressure on him because of the lack of support is making us both ill.  I was contextualising it in other ways - if paying for it meant we couldn't pay the rent then I wouldn't do it, however much he liked it.  I see it in a similar way - we're paying for it with our health and nothing is worth that.  We've given it a good go but the bottom line is the public sector trains its workers to implement the system - not to be experts in the conditions that they're dealing with.  I am an expert in the way my son's conditions affect him, and he will become an expert as well.  Home ed worked a lot better for us and just knowing now that I don't have to slog through Christmas keeping one eye on trying to keep him well enough to go back to college has made Christmas feel like something I'm looking forward to rather than dreading.  We're going to have a couple of months off in the New Year and I'm going to keep searching around for some sort of business we can run from home and a different living solution.  Even that feels like less pressure now, because I feel like I can breath and take my time with it, rather than fighting to cope whilst desperately looking for a way out.  That feels good.

I hope the second Thanksgiving dinner goes well, Lighter, I'm kind of glad we don't do two festivals close together over here! xx

[lighter]

Lol. Predator is a great film to have as your family tradition, Lighter Look, I LIKE the movie, but DD remembers, has a happy holiday point in time fixed in her mind as part of our happiness.  And that's OK.  I asked her if she wanted to have it playing in the background while cooking together.  She said "No, we'll save it for when we can snuggle and pay attention" bc THAT's the speicial part... I think.  We continued dancing around the kitchen to oldies until guests were singing and dancing too, then it was football time, which I do not understand.  Decision has been made - I'm pulling him out.  I went to bed last night having decided that enough was enough and woke up this morning feeling more relaxed than I have in ages.  I haven't told him yet - I will do that in the New Year.  I have wrestled with taking him away from something that, for a lot of the time, he enjoys doing.  But the pressure on him because of the lack of support is making us both ill.  I was contextualizing it in other ways - if paying for it meant we couldn't pay the rent then I wouldn't do it, however much he liked it.  I see it in a similar way - we're paying for it with our health and nothing is worth that. You put together a plan, strategized, did massive amounts of homework, thought ahead, got very proactive, and you made that move, new living situation, and location happen.  BRAVA, Tupp.  Heroic effort, and now you're reflecting, and taking stock,which is very wise, IMO.    We've given it a good go but the bottom line is the public sector trains its workers to implement the system - not to be experts in the conditions that they're dealing with.  I am an expert in the way my son's conditions affect him, and he will become an expert as well. Very well put.  Easy to understand.  Makes complete sense to me. Home ed worked a lot better for us and just knowing now that I don't have to slog through Christmas keeping one eye on trying to keep him well enough to go back to college has made Christmas feel like something I'm looking forward to rather than dreading.  Oh, this sounds like a well thought out pivot BACK to something you know works well, and better than present situation.  I remember when you started thinking college through for your ds, bc you wanted him to continue growing, learning, and gaining experiences in the world.  AMAZING mom, btw, but you made that happen, and he enjoys it bc you worked hard to make sure he's comfortable there, and congratulations on giving that TO him.  Taking stock, and reviewing sustainability..... acting around the facts is heroic, IMO.We're going to have a couple of months off in the New Year and I'm going to keep searching around for some sort of business we can run from home and a different living solution.  Even that feels like less pressure now, because I feel like I can breathe and take my time with it, rather than fighting to cope whilst desperately looking for a way out.  That feels good.  I feels good just to read it, Tupp.

I hope the second Thanksgiving dinner goes well, Lighter, I'm kind of glad we don't do two festivals close together over here! xx  ::uncomfortable belch::. Honestly, last night was one of THE best social gatherings focused on cooking way too many items (Yam Casserole made with coconut sugar, yams, salt, molasses, butter, pecans, and more coconut sugar, squash casserole with gf crackers, eggs, sharp cheddar cheese, Baked Beans made with molasses, coconut sugar, TONS of bacon and caramelized onions, ketchup then topped with uncooked bacon MORE coconut sugar, and baked almost 3 hours... longer if it's a really big casserole, then I spatchcocked a third turkey, and roasted it till we were standing over it 4 times, after eating ourselves full of side dishes and the lovely Honey Baked Ham a guest finagled out of the HBH company, sans a reservation, and THEN, when we were all so full we couldn't eat another bite, I carved that turkey.  Youngest dd ws the only one who ventured in, snarfed a wing, then, happily asked for the other. Again,  she surprised me. 

I'm looking forward to seafood over Christmas; )

Lighter