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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
So, it seems like this is the year for second chances to "get it right" - whatever that is. That definition seems to be more of a moving target for me these days and that's just FINE. Really. I think I'm finally convinced that there simply isn't any one absolute "right state of being" for all times & places that endures for more than a NY moment.

Been using this past week to change some things up. Just enough that I can start to "see" from a different place. Buck has contributed to that too. He's had some Rambo moments lately; there is only so long you can treat a human being as an "asset", "resource", or property - and disposable - before that last boundary has been transgressed and in his terminology, one has to become "assertive". So, he got some things straightened out; got some straight answers that have gone a long way to explain (but not excuse) the medical nightmare he's been through the last 2 years. 7 major surgeries in 2 years, taking things out, putting them back - without ever completing the cycle.

I have to be a bit vague here, because this is leading up to him reporting for active duty again. Uh-huh. It seems he's one of the last alive with the knowledge needed to pass on to a new group of divers, so he'll be training for 3 weeks stateside. As soon as, that is, the recommended 6 weeks of antibiotics is done and he tests clear for the infection and he heals up enough from the last surgery to be able to enter a compression chamber. So someone pretty high up started pulling strings to be able to get him qualified for that training. Sigh. Yes, that's how this works.

Now, since it also contributes to getting him fully functional and healthy again I can't complain. I'll take my number and get in line. He's worth it. As he recovers, he's getting super sweet and romantic - and we're planning together. There is going to be a fair amount of unusual fun activities involved, not just being homebodies and living daily life. We seem to be catalyzing dormant aspects of each other and there is a depth, and breadth, to him that tweaks my curiosity and playful side. I seem to be opening his eyes to parts of himself he stuffed and swallowed, to be able to keep on going day after day. So we're both kind of dancing into the unknown, knowing each other to a depth that perhaps we wouldn't in the usual dating scenarios because we can talk, be emotionally vulnerable, and be there for each other with the usual life situations & struggles. Mr. Rambo really just wants to be allowed to be a big teddy bear and not be used and abused because he trusted someone. So, there's a need for absolute honesty between us. Lots of maybes, I don't know yet, or we'll figure it out together.

Now, the Hol story. The Hut is under roof. I can walk around inside and see just how efficient she was with space planning - but it's still going to feel small. Fortunately she'll have multiple outdoor spaces and the first floor. So far, they've worked fast and well. There was only one minor oops pouring the forms for the 2nd, main floor and except for some concrete on the ground, I can't see where it's going to cause any problems.

She is staying positive through the miscarriages. But there is a total lack of engagement/participation in the life of the farm from her sweetie. Like paying expenses, getting with the chore program - even directly asked, or contributing anything of value here. And he hasn't even gone to work in one of the busiest times of year in his career. Then, he simply drops trash wherever he is; or dishes and never cleans up after himself.

:mad: Sooner or later, she's going to realize she's already raising one child. And he's one that won't make eye contact or even speak directly to anyone BUT Hol... and he's pulling her into his orbit to the exclusion of her friends, me, etc. Buck and I have discussed this extensively.  He is minding his boundary well, while being supportive of where I seem to be going as a way to deal with this. I will grant that he is feeding some emotional need she has right now. So confrontation isn't even on my list of choices about dealing with this. I will not support him to be a snuggly lump of non-communicative and self-absorbed comfort squeeze. Sorry. I have to draw a line at the old: you don't work, you don't eat demarcation. Hol cleans up after him, to mollify me, but oddly... won't acknowledge the problem or the extra work she's going to here. NOR, more importantly, how her other needs for social engagement are getting neglected because he might need her. "Codependence" is a fictitious concept to her. Her friend John and I have both tried to bring up the topic in general conversation. Denial is big right now.

I realize this is something that she has to do herself; make those decisions. And mom should mind her own business. But I see without doubt; that this is going to become another Bovie situation and end even more badly. So, I'm frustrated about not being able to point out the damned obvious and see what new excuse she makes for his behavior and treatment of the other people who are important to her. And ironically, she warned me to watch for red flags with Buck.... LOL.... as if that wasn't the first thing on my mind to address with him.

So, "doing" nothing right now, except waiting for an opportunity to discuss in non-personal terms the behaviors that are problematic and just let that sink in. She's smart enough to figure this out without being "told" this is what she is doing again. And also, spending a lot of time on me and my life. And she will go back to work this spring for a few months... so they won't even be here - either one of them. That might, all by itself, bring things into perspective for her.

Meanwhile........ the garden is already in planning stages. Seed inventory is done and I don't need much to get started. But I'll buy the basics fresh this year, to have extra in case something comes up that I don't get around to ordering next year. And I'm planning to teach Hol how to can. She's also never worked a garden so she doesn't know how much time/effort/work it takes, if you want more than a "sample sized" crop.

A full on metal shop is also being planned - for both Hol and Buck to work here. A garage for the Hut - so I don't have to share space with Steve in MY workshop. She'll vacate the studio with her sewing and quilts too. So I'm ready to do a bit of renovating here... remodeling the master suite to accommodate two of us... and eventually adding on to create a summer kitchen and extra work space in the office and replacing the roof. There aren't too many things on that list that have a deadline. And Buck needs to be involved too. And is already on some things.

We're still talking about timing for sneaking away to the beach. LOL.

sKePTiKal:
Took Hol to OB-GYN appt yesterday.

The Nurse Practitioner was good. Images indicate that Hol passed all the tissue, so all she's doing right now is blood tests for hormone levels to make sure her body has completed the miscarriage cycle. In 6 weeks, they'll test again until she's close enough to zero pregnancy hormones to start talking about what her options are, going forward. Her appt then will be with the MD. Hol is worried about getting too old to have viable eggs. When it may not be her at all, that is the problem. It very well could be her partner given some of his habits.

And I had to interject at one point, that she could very well get pregnant again and carry to term next time because this kind of medical knowledge/practice (while it's an extensively complex specialty) isn't an exact science. None of us can know for sure.

That appt and our studio session - where we got her to acknowledge her feelings and fears in a safe non-judgemental space - has cracked open her withdrawal from everyone and everything. We respected her need for that kind of time. for awhile. But that's not her natural state and unfortunately, she wasn't getting the external input she needed there. So we got her moving back in that direction and she's coming up for air now.

lighter:
Amber:

I have a couple observations here.  One.... it's difficult to stay in our lane when our kids are bringing their SO's into our spaces while not honoring us, IMO. 

Yesterday I asked youngest dd "what if" questions about her SO.  I didn't judge, or expect her to DO anything.  I just wanted her opinions, which she shared honestly with me.  She also said she was hoping the what ifs I posed weren't true, but knew they absolutely COULD be the truth.  This was comforting to me, and I think her to put it out there, and clear the air... come to an understanding, and bounce things off each other (while being super careful not to make her feel defensive about SO, to be sure.)

Second.... why does it have to feel like we're inviting conflict when we consider setting appropriate boundaries and requiring respectful treatment for ourselves IN OUR OWN SPACE?

I'm feeling more confident about asserting myself, requiring my boundaries be honored and not viewing these discussions as an invitation to conflict anymore.   

I don't believe we should view them as conflict.  I suspect other people have awareness around our aversions to conflict.  I suspect we're manipulated to some extent, bc we've trained people into that behavior ourselves. 

For me, this means I'm responsible for training them out of that behavior, sans drama.  I know I have to get my head straight first, set boundaries, then calmly and consistently enforce them without allowing them to draw me into conflict. 

I'm not sure what that would look like for you, Amber.  Requiring Hol's sweetie clean up after himself, pull his weight financially and interact with you is reasonable, IMO.  IF he stormed out, riled up Hol and acted like a victim.... that would be a combative reaction, IMO.  Hol would likely be very reactive, but that doesn't mean you'd have to react back.  It doesn't have to be a two-way conflict.

If Hol tries to escalate, you de-escalate while refusing to get drawn in, right?  You're very sorry she feels the way she does, but you require a, b and c... rinse and repeat.  Always go back to the issue, and don't allow Hol to engage you in negative conversations.  It's perfectly acceptable to refuse to communicate with anyone who's raising their voice, name calling, or changing the subject before one topic is finished, IME.

I'm just spitballing here, thinking it through.  Wondering why we have to put ourselves and our boundaries on backburners... at all. 

If we don't put ourselves first now... when?

AND..... if we do it, we model for our girls how to do it.

::nodding::.

It might be uncomfortable.  It might be new, and alien.  It might feel wrong at first, but it's right and good and will soon feel that way if we just begin, IME.

I found my girls and I get along better when I set boundaries..... they look shocked at first, then immediately fall into the new routine if I just stay level, and calmly expect them to honor the boundaries. 

Those boundaries help us communicate better... encourage respectful conduct from everyone, etc.  Attitudes are adjusted.  I just have to refuse to get sucked into the emotional drama the girls traditionally used to manipulate me into compliance.  That's more difficult when I'm sick, tired or struggling with overwhelming other stuff.

About Buck asserting himself.....

YES.  That man deserves better medical care, and it was his right to insist on it.  It feels nice to know you're in a relationship with such a patient man, Amber.

I hope Hol continues to heal from her loss. 

Feel free to dismiss anything that doesn't apply here: )

Lighter





 

Hopalong:
Ahhh, Lighter.
A lot of this applies to me.
Thank you.

Ooodles of love to all,
Two-fingered typing from Costa Rica.

Cannot WAIT to get back mid-Jan to unfettered
Internet not controlled by howler monkeys with
A hotspot control fixation!

(They sound like large primeval dogs coming
Toward you one slow, menacing step at a time.
They are right behind the pool and I saw two
In the trees mere fèet away! Astonishing.)

More later, full a wine at the mo'

Xxxooo
hops

Twoapenny:
I'm glad Buck is on the mend, Skep, but staggered that they are actually genuinely talking about making him do some more service.  My mind is boggling.  I did smile at the Rambo comment; I do love it when people kick arse ;) 

I think you are right about there not being a permanent 'right' way of doing or being.  Life needs to be flexible, I think, or we spend more energy trying to make a square peg fit a round hole.  Right for now or good enough is perfectly okay, I think :)

I'm glad things are moving forward with the garden and the hut.  It all sounds like the work is progressing okay and things are going well.  I'm sorry Hol's sweetie isn't pulling his weight more.  Perhaps you can drop a hint that he might end up underneath the next concrete floor if he doesn't pull his finger out :)  Lol.  On a serious note, yes, I think adult children are in some ways more difficult than small children. I am struggling with knowing when to put my mum hat on with son and when to let him do his own thing, and working out which are his issues and which are mine.  It is difficult when you all live with or near each other.  But you are a wise one; it will work its way through, one way or another xx

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