Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
sKePTiKal:
Back...and she's up. I guess we'll see what happens. He's not back yet.
The fears that were triggered last night are still jangling around a little. But I'm going to focus on doing something pretty soon... and not let my imagination get carried away. John is puttering around in the kitchen, turning last night's roast into beef noodle soup. There is plenty I can do around here inside (still) since it's cold and yucky outside.
sKePTiKal:
Meh...
I'm minding my own business and taking care of some loose ends from the bathroom remodel. But it's time for lunch... and I'm needing to babble.
With the Hut nearing completion, and impending move down there... where she will end up as a glorified house/farm servant so he can space out in the woods (never mind how she thought he was gonna be a dad) and then, neither of them working due to the virus...
I think it brought CLEAR - that when she needed help, support or just companionship - she came to either John or me. Because S is just "absent" - even when physically present. Unless of course, he's trying to feed her some line to get her to be content playing mommy to him. We went to visit her in jail; S refused - because he didn't want to go into a jail. Like she did???? How much can he care about her, if he couldn't bother himself to do something like that for her?
But I know how far she's pretzled herself - in a transactional way to get his affection. And I pointed out, that her definition of a relationship - and what she wants from one - is far different than his. He slowly & gradually built a life that suited him - without giving a good god damn whether it was what she wanted. It's not lost on her - that even directly asking S to do something for her - he won't... but John & I were there, taking care of business and letting her talk, listening, feeding back... without demanding she do all the work herself.
So, I worry that the instinct to bend, give him another chance (after a year??) and basically deprive herself through the choice of "the bird in the hand" versus trying to find what she wants - REALLY - might again take the upper hand. This isn't the first time he's left when she's asked him to pay attention to her. But last night, he didn't come back home. Said he'd be here in the morning - he needed a "break". "Break" my patootie; his ex-girlfriend is staying out at his farm. Sheesh - he doesn't even put his trash in the can. He's not here. I guarantee you she's trying to talk to him over the phone. And still not getting anywhere.
So, my plan is to do some piddly, fussy, attention to detail kind of stuff today and at least stay centered enough - that when I'm called on for support again I might actually be of some use. Buck is right there, backing me up. Which is lovely. Sweet man.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---I worry that the instinct to bend, give him another chance (after a year??) and basically deprive herself through the choice of "the bird in the hand" versus trying to find what she wants - REALLY - might again take the upper hand.
--- End quote ---
Very rational worry, imo. I am so sorry.
It is absolute agony to watch an adult child you love make destructive choices. YOU can see it, feel it, red flags waving, coming at her like a slow tsunami of misery.
But sometimes the MORE a parent or parent figure tries to stop the train bearing down on their adult child, the more stubbornly they cling to the track and talk about how pretty the oncoming light is....how far they (think they) can see.... It's heartbreaking sometimes.
I understand now everything you dislike about him, and why you agonize over her weakness in enabling his mistreatment and/or neglect of her. The anecdote about him not being willing to visit her in jail says so much about his issues. (That she was in jail in the first place says a different thing about her issues.)
It is not about HER and it's not about WE, with him. It's all about HIM. I'm really sorry.
I don't know if this is true or right, but as long as she is living on your land with you, is it remotely possible, even a little, that being where you are (given her emotional dependence on you) will delay her in maturing and healing (through her own therapy, not group therapy with you) enough to get rid of S? Whether it's through epiphany soon, or a divorce miserable years down the pike?
Is it possible that despite the security you offer, she cannot mature and heal until she truly is facing the future without the cushion of you and the mountain?
Not intentionally cruel....just blunt. (Sometimes I try to pick dandelions with a crowbar.)
big hugs and comfort,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops - she's been independent since she was 15. Responsible, hard-working... intelligent, including emotionally intelligent... until she began to struggle with relationships with men. So, at 40 - when job ended along with relationship - I offered an easy place for her to land & regroup, and then life itself began to alter that plan. Again.
Originally, she would be working in the city 5-6 months of the year on productions. Supporting herself, and quite well. While the farm and Hut, were simply going to be her own fallback "headquarters" -- and down the road, her own property close to mom, when that time does arrive. This may still happen. IF, and possibly when, all these shutdowns are lifted.
I am really not "doing" all that much with her. And the great sorting of her issues is up to her - and sometimes her friends. But I periodically get called on, to voice my observations and opinions, but I am used to - given how long she's been independent - leaving her to it. I've kept my lines with her - flashing neon. Her friend John may have given me an insight. We'd discussed this before... but I was still skeptical. Yeah, I have my own crap to deal with watching her go through this. (Please let the shutdown end so she can go complete the therapy she's assigned as part of her sentence... )
Yesterday, instead of continuing on in the vein she'd been in the night before - the night of the loud argument - she did a 180 and everything was "fine". Leaving me totally confused about what I KNOW for a FACT was expressed as being her feelings on the matter just the night before. I of all people know that two opposites can be true, just not to the same degree or importance. This was Jekyll/Hyde stuff.
But John has known her during times she didn't live with me, and has observed that this is a pattern with her. Exhausting chance after chance for her partner to step up and be there for her... all while enduring lonliness within the relationship, or abuse, or/and mounting frustration & resentment & pure righteous anger. I think that finally sunk in with me. It's like a point of pride that she is tough enough to endure this, come out intact (she thinks), and can out tough the guy involved. This guy isn't going to do anything more than take advantage of that, as long as it's convenient for him - and still won't give her what she is asking for. Anymore than the last one did in 9 years.
The night before she was proclaiming that she could do better than this guy. Sigh. And perhaps she is simply struggling over deciding what she really WANTS (ideally), and the reality - which is - what is she willing to live with?
I'm merely trying to understand what is going on here. And not interfere... but that's damn hard when I don't even know where the mines are placed in the minefield - AND I'm denied being able to maintain even basic rules for all those living in my house... because she defends him, excuses him, and unlike her, I don't have an issue deciding what I want. (we ARE very different, despite some of our strong similarilities)
So, while I think her friend John is getting antsy to get on the road of his own life... while he's here, the two of them have been talking and sorting that stuff out - completely without my presence or participation. He is just as eager to power up the lightbulb that will reveal to her, how much of this she is doing to herself. And he knows, "right words, at right time", or gradual incremental repetition... are both valid ways to offer a safe space for someone to see and understand this about themselves. She helped him get through some of his own trauma/issues.
Think I'm going to have a conversation with the contractor. He might be able to give a better idea of how long this work is going to take. And it would be helpful if these shutdowns were lifted... although I'm having a difficult time defining for myself how things would be more "normal" or "better". For me, living as I do, it's not that much different.
I do know it would be a good thing if her GF M can come out for a break from her life for a few days. It would help clear Hol's thinking a lot to have another female around.
In the Hut: I know the stucco walls are getting started; the power system is functional; siding is almost done; and she just ordered the flooring. Once the flooring is done, sinks & toilets & appliances can go in... and her furniture and collection of fabric. Then the garage needs to be built. I don't think the contractor remembers that.
-----------
Ground's still too wet to plow. And I have snow on the porch this morning. Most of it on the ground has melted. Lots of seed started and they're starting to germinate.
lighter:
Amber:
As I'm giving advice to one of my dd's regarding a boy, I want to give you advice to NOT give your dd advice about boys.
::uncrossing super hypocritical eyes::.
The truth is, part of my emotional response is what my girls went through in early childhood, bc of me and my relationship with their father.
I can't change that now. I can model taking care of my own business and let the girls know I trust them to handle theirs.
I can't control or moderate their feelings, actions or words.... no matter how hard I want to, feel I have to, feel responsible.... I just can't. Sometimes I really get that, Amber. Other times, I get mixed up, and turns around... confused about it, what I can and can't do.... what is my business and what is theirs.
Figuring out what is mine and what is theirs helps simplify the answer to questions I ask myself for clarity.....
Is there anything I can be doing in this moment?
That really brings me back to my center. It's helpful.
You can't tell Hol her plan to have a baby with a chucklehead on your property isn't a good plan. What you CAN do is tell her you trust her to make decisions she can live with, bc she's the one who'll be living with them. You don't have to live with her decisions. She does. She should be making here own decisions for that reason. I'd say that to her flat out, and I'd say it with zero emotion. Eeeek. Sorry. Just giving you my POV right now. Not telling you what you must do, of course. I guess I'm trying to say..... as long as Hol feels you're involved.... the decisions are somewhat about YOU..... and she's not really focusing on what's hers, which is S, and what her life would be like if she had a baby with him. That's something she'll see more clearly if you've stepped OUT of it, completely, IME. The full weight of being on her own, and being responsible for her decisions will then carry the full weight, IME. You won't give her the mistaken impression this is YOUR business and you'll be there to solve and carry the problems with her.
You can set boundaries around S touching your tools, or not. How he lives in your space IS your business.
You can require S hunt all the lost tools, help you care for them and return them where he won't be allowed to touch them again. Hol can't FIX that one. She can't cover it up. She can will you to keep your mouth shut, and allow things to get worse.... or not.
From where I sit.... that seems perfectly logical to me around the tools, particularly bc Hol and S are living under your roof right now.
There have to be limits you set for your life.
Not for theirs.
For yours and Buck's. Modeling that for Hol is a good thing, IME.
I have a habit of looking down the road and Hol sharing a baby with chucklehead wouldn't simplify any of the problems you guys struggle with now, IME. It would make matters more complicated, more unsteady and more difficult to process and deal with.
Choices.
Heck, S might decide he's not happy living with an empowered woman's boundaries fully in place, with consequences swiftly delivered, sans discussion. It's my hope all our daughters will learn how to do this for themselves, and to feel entitled to set and hold those boundaries.
I had an epiphany last week.... I've done my children a disservice by cushioning their path and shielding them as I have...... and you know what? I know I was doing the best I could at that time. I'm OK with it, and I forgive myself.
I know better now, and I'll try to do better now, bc of that awareness.
All I can do is model taking care of my own business. Give them their business to deal with and wish them well...... let them know I trust them to handle it and I will tell you..... I have a belly full of this, close up, right now, btw.
It comes down to figuring out what is mine, putting my blanket statements in place, then repeating them as needed so as not to get dragged into things that are muddled and not mine. OH SO SIMPLE once I SEE what's mine.
So as not to let the young people feel they have a say in my business, how I feel and what my boundaries are or how I'll enforce them, bc that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
Taking control back. Feeling entitled and obligated to do so.
::nodding::.
Yes, there's some discomfort, but I can't control that. I don't want to control it, truth be told. It's growth and growth is painful, IME.
Lighter
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