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Farm Doin's - 2020

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Hopalong:
(((Amber)))

Do you feel able to release John entirely to his own learning path, whatever it is?

I remember how wrapped up you became in the previous mentally-ill friend of Hol's who became your housemate and destroyed your serenity before he was hospitalized. John is a different person from that one, did I follow that right?

When you refer to Hol as your "assistant" (in being a therapist to John), what does that signal about your self image or role with these young people in your orbit?

Do you have any feeling of recognition about John's self-image role as rescuer?

You may worry about them; I'm worrying about YOU.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Two different people, Hops.

I meant that situationally, Hol backs me up. MOST of the time, it wasn't required during John's stay. Like I said, he's generally pleasant, stable & steadily helpful. I wasn't always engaged in their interactions, either - not feeling that I'm essential or always needed for them to sort either their friendship issues or personal issues out.

Nope, I don't feel obligated to rescue anyone. That's why over the course of the year taking issue with her boyfriend - I decided to step out completely and just have my feelings and opinions about it and keep it to myself - but not even discuss it, unless she asks for input. I really do think she is independently capable of even seeing how she can sometimes self-sabotage - because of her own "rescuer" syndrome. It wouldn't be something new if she learns the hard way. I've been decidedly ineffective at showing her another way. And that's not all my fault.

No worries Hops. She invited HGuest #1 - and even after he seemed to improve - it turned out she decided to distance herself from him, for personal reasons. HGuest #2 invited himself - and while she was interested in "catching up" after 20 years it turned out to be something other than she expected too. I haven't exactly busted her chops over this - that's counterproductive to solutions. I just expressed my discomfort to her - and let her make up her own mind.

She lives here. Soon to have her own household here. I'm fully aware she's a more social person than I am - and has grown up mostly past living the "wild & crazy life". She has some local, long-time friends. And many of her friends will turn out to be overnight or weekend guests since they're not exactly local. My rule is against someone setting up housekeeping here. End of restriction. She needs to live her own style of life. She knows who I DON'T like; as well as those I've found interesting on my own accord... and since they range in ages, some are more my age. Her late boss for one. Given the extra privacy that we'll soon have I'm pretty sure it'll work out - she doesn't want me to be uncomfortable or to feel like she's added to my responsibilities or restricted my use of the farm as a property owner... or her mom.

So, since I've offloaded being responsible for those "under my roof"... somewhat - there's still compassion for people's struggles if I like them - I think that's also contributed to my current "peace & contentment". And even the boyfriend is starting to relax and realize I'm not going to BBQ him and serve him for dinner... LOL. He's starting to settle in more and open up. That'll contribute to going on forward, easier. Even if it doesn't work out for them.

She let me know he was terrified of me (explaining the above). I think he's never really known women like us. Independent and strong - and still capable of all the traditional roles - without being pushovers. Hol & I have a lot in common - but the differences that do exist are strong, too. I think it's helped him relax, that we're not shy about talking about that kind of thing around him.

lighter:
Amber:

If S is afraid of you.... why oh why is he leaving your tools in the woods? 

I also want to know, you don't have to tell me, why he decided it was a good idea to order livestock through the mail.  Were you consulted?  IS there housing and a plan to care and feed livestock?

I guess I don't understand whether or not a plan for big projects has been hammered out yet. 
 

I don't think you should control who Hol brings into her home, BTW.  The rules of engagement, if they're in place, should cut down on upset and surprises. 

The mama in me wants to restrict Hol's guests to those who support her sobriety journey, but that's not realistic.  Hol has to do that on her own, just as she has to deal with the consequences of future mistakes, should they happen.

Have you and Hol talked about consequences should Hol fall off the wagon with another DUI?

Not my business.  Just wondering, bc the mama in me does.

Lighter

Hopalong:
That sounds like a fair hut-life boundary to me, Amber.
Sure, visit H but no "setting up housekeeping."
And she is an adult, and nobody would want to live where they can't have friends visit.

That's good, so glad you've set that reasonable boundary.
Hope it holds and hope her friends turn out to me mostly adults too!

Good luck with all of it. It must be a huuuuuge relief that they're moving out of your house soon.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Yes it's a relief. We've done some imagining how it will be - whether we'll still hang out in the studio together, front porch sit... whether I'll visit down at the hut, etc. Just feeling out individual and joint expectations and daydreams. S actually helps with her controlling her drinking. Until he triggers her anger, that is. LOL. Same things that bother me, DO bother her - but she's trying hard not to admit that. LOLOL.

S is an enigma to me. I can't for the life of me suss him out - and the only things that are even close to coherent are pretty negative. But for now, it's pure bias on my part. It's not possible to discuss any of that with him. As to the birds - yes, we already have mature geese; lost some chickens; the fence went up to try to contain them (mostly successful) and we've added guinea keets now. He mostly cares for them and has been improving their shelter. Hol hopes to have her own pond - and then the birds will move. I will kinda miss seeing the geese playing on the pond.

We've gotten as far as agreeing on a process for planning, approving, etc various projects... and I will also have a land lease agreement in place that will protect both of us - and spell out the basic rules. It helps actually, that Steve is privacy-minded pretty much like me and is already comfortable with the lack of external "entertainment" out in the boonies. He is still abnormally quiet - but he DOES seem comfortable enough talking to me one on one casually. And after the tool-upset... he's learning.

Part of that issue - Hol grew up on the first homestead; she KNOWS how many rules were in place to insure that we preserved tools, didn't make extra work, and took care of our investments - whether stuff we bought or grew or built. S grew up in Chicago - and simply doesn't have those habits yet. We didn't have a lot of money, so it was IMPORTANT to take care of tools, because you may have to do without if you didn't have the money - or availability - to get more. Putting things back was critical when more than one person was working - so time wasn't wasted looking for things.

S never learned things like that before. So, while my mind is boggled that someone who claims an affinity for stewardship... feels it's fine to litter, and not take care of tools which let you care for your plantings and animals... it's less the "not caring" variety than just sheer ignorance of the requirements of this lifestyle.

I'm scary to him, because I can and DO, express anger in it's pure form - emotionally & verbally. I'm very seldom physically angry... but when I am it's contained inside my skin with no outward actions. And I s'pose that might look like a manifestation of Kali. LOLOL. The dangerous goddess. Lightning in the eyes... stormclouds on the brow... every molecule vibrating at nuclear meltdown frequency... angry. Oh, and I'm LOUD. I'm sure I was heard all the way down the hollow and maybe over the ridge.

Took me an hour to get my blood pressure back to normal the last time; it's been YEARS since I've been that angry. I even scared Hol. (Takes a LOT to scare her; she was a Baltimore bartender.)

That shovel re-appeared out in the barn last time I looked; John found the knife I keep out there.

I guess that's why Hol comes by her "force of nature" description honestly.

For all I grew up with Mennonite environments and pacifist behaviors... there is no denying the Celtic/Viking genes running loose in me too. Can & will fight, as needed. I reconciled those two opposites, for the most part but it took over 50 years. And it's still a work in progress. So, that equation looks like - "can and will, but don't like or want to".

Life doesn't give a crap what illusions I might expect from it, upon reaching the arbitrarily-declared "retirement" age... it's going to keep challenging me whether I try to create a place to hide from it or not. No matter how many bits & pieces I've already mastered. And since I don't get to choose who will be Hol's partner... I have to adjust, with as much grace as I can muster - or just be myself. LOL. Sometimes, I just gotta be me... and take the consequences.

Fortunately, this is one thing Buck already knows about me and he understands it, too.

OK - enough lollygagging! I'm wasting daylight... and now starts the countdown of to-do list before Buck arrives. (So I'm not rushing around or working sunup to sundown...)

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