Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
You've been busy, Amber. What an amazing synopsis of your process.
The word "charter" seems very right to me too. This is a communal living space.... a compound..... for yourself, Buck, Hol and their SOs and children. The plan will have ongoing chapters and that's OK.
I'm curious what the bunk rook looks like at this point. Will Buck's dd have her own space.... perhaps a bedroom IN the bunk area? She'll be at college for a while, so plenty of time to think this through. Having her in your living space, during visits, might be the best thing for your relationship, or the worst thing. B will lead on that one. I hope you and his dd get along very well.
I can't wait to hear more about the self sustaining pieces of the plan. Very exciting!
I wonder if internships could be established for students on your farm. They could work, bring new ideas and gain experience. You could mentor and have a process in place for keeping up with the work when you travel, etc. I love the idea of choice and options in this area.
Lastly.... the idea of creating artist's space.... everyone with their own area..... sounds amazing to me. I vibe more with your idea of happiness..... I don't need a lot of outside stimulation. I like peace and quiet. I like being able to hear myself think, which is difficult when there are many voices with strong opinions.
You'll remind Hol to walk her own path and you'll walk yours. No drama. No need to feel resentful while holding stated boundaries with compassion.
Hol will learn how to do that for herself, which is a gift.
Even if it feels like crisis and chaos in our chests.... it's not that, IME.
I'm trying to see the truth in these upheavals. The crisis is just a messenger with information something isn''t working any more. We need to make a change. For some of us change is harder or easier, depending on our history.
Some of us experience change with more fear. Those who've been fighting and scratching out survival for themselves will have a harder time learning to adjust, bc change has always been challenge and struggle without a winner. We can remember we have the option to create and hold space while others adjust and test it for themselves.
Hold till we see the whites of their eyes then continue to hold (without flinching, if possible.)
I see planning and writing a charter helps you make sense of your world. It looks like you're defending quiet safe space for your still small voice to inform and direct the process. Brava, Amber. Really: )
Thanks for that update.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Happy to vote for you to run the country, Amber, had I citizenship there!
Here's what worries me:
--- Quote ---I'm covering all the expenses around here so far - but that is going change over time, too. I want people to explore and refine their skills, and learn new ones. There's Hol's sewing; Steve's mushrooms & herbal tinctures; Buck's metal work... my various mediums.
--- End quote ---
Here's the thing. You're supporting a little clan that includes an entitled D who rails at you, challenges your sense of self and disrespects your autonomy, plus her bf who is surly, uncommunicative, and at least passively disrespectful to you.
And you WANT to be the leader. You WANT to direct people in psychological growth and even in what skills/interests they should develop.
I just don't think they really want to be led. And probably don't have much interest in contributing money, either. Doesn't matter who's right. Nobody wants to be directed by their parents these days, as wise and far-seeing as those parents might be. So they are, perhaps not evilly but naturally, working your system and dream for their own benefits, in both passive-aggressive and at time aggressive-aggressive ways. I'm not seeing how this gets better, even with the Hut done.
Sure, there'll be some relief with the building separating y'all. And more perhaps (or perhaps new conflicts and competitions) when Buck arrives. It's as complicated as it appears, maybe moreso. What evidence is there that entitled Hol and Steve will accept B with welcome and grace?
I see it all as a recipe for breaking apart. Or living in a miserable siege state where nobody listens to you because: 1) articulating things brilliantly already, for many months, hasn't stopped the disrespect, 2) being kind and tolerant and an in-house analyst hasn't stopped the disrespect, and 3) you're getting older which in this culture unfortunately rarely confers respect. That they aren't respecting you now doesn't bode well for them suddenly beginning to as your powers naturally diminish.
I'm sorry to be so blunt and hope I'm wrong. Shakers of salt are required because I have experienced complete family breakdown.
My way-more-modest fantasy for you would be: Hol, here's a cottage for you to retreat to when you want to get away from the city. Don't bring your friends. I live here, or I and Buck live here and it is OUR home.
I think all the signs and portents of a functioning compound with you as leader not working out are there. Your D and her coterie are with you but also using you. And I believe, oh so sorry for the bluntness, that no charter or manifesto or written anything will change it as long as the money-house-etc are already given and the seed has been planted. All this will be yours. (Ugly but natural thought from struggling next generation: Will be? I want it now. I want to assert myself and control my own destiny -- quite apart from Amber's plans/dreams for me -- now.)
I've seen such brutality over inheritance EXPECTATIONS, not just in my own family. For Hol, it's been explicit. This will all be yours. And imo, she's claiming way too much too early.
It's the gift and curse of money, I expect. And of the power that has to distort relationships that should be clean, clear and respectful.
Here's my question: Before you get in deeper and deeper and deeper, do you ever have moments where you ask yourself -- do I really want to continue with this president-of-a-family-compound dream?
You've got all our support if the answer's Yes. Of course.
I'm just wondering if some part of you might sometimes think: No.
Buck's no spring chicken either. With grateful and cooperative kids to help, it could be all rosy. But as I see it, they're neither grateful nor cooperative.
Please do correct what's wrong in this as I'm equally positive I'm not seeing the full context and am missing things.
Hope you'll forgive my bluntness. It's just concern for you.
love
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Yes Hops, I well am aware of those pitfalls. And perhaps "leader" is the wrong word - although I do plan to assert my druthers - permit negotiation, suggestion and compromise - and point out (you don't like it, you know where the highway is). I see it more as a coordinator position... and less me telling people: this is the way it's going to be and more... here are ways for all of us to do what we need/want without stepping all over everyone else's toes.
I'm really hoping to put a stop to the extended stay houseguests; despite how helpful John has been in practical (and peacemaking) ways. He's currently peripetetic; here for a few days to a week at a time then gone for days in a row or weeks, too. He is self-sufficient and generous with his time and cooking. He's an EASY houseguest, but it's still an issue for other reasons.
No artist's retreats or interns here Lighter; despite previous ideas to that effect. I'm hoping to keep things to just the 4 of us as "permanent" residents - with visitors in/out. Buck D will become one of those visitors sometimes. I will have two guest rooms; bunk room was changed to accommodate a couple with two twin beds. But since we didn't have the big Holly birthday bash, we haven't had 8-10 people come stay for the weekend.
It could be that Hol really does decide to only use the Hut as a vacation home. I've had to face the facts of what kind of a relationship we have in daily practice vs what we actually feel for each other - and while I love her dearly, we don't have a good relationship because of her badgering me and her insecurities. Perhaps she'll work through this and she CAN be very good company when she's not targeting me, John, former boyfriends, her sister... as obstacles she needs to reform and recreate. If she leaves, nothing changes about the estate (yes, that IS one of her worries but SHE is more a threat to her status than anyone else). I was doing OK, by myself. And I can do OK by myself AGAIN.
Yes, I'm glad Buck will be around - but he is from the old school of behavior & manners and one doesn't treat one's parents that way. Even though his family background is as dysfunctional as mine. Yes that will cause friction. I'm already aware. Which is why I'd really like them to move to the Hut before he arrives - and it does seem that his "earliest date" isn't going happen. So, still looking for a chance to runaway with him somewhere comfortable and romantic - at least the way we see romance. Somewhere outdoors. Or where the outdoors is the "main feature". Still keeping the island in mind Lighter. I need to get a passport again.
sKePTiKal:
Couple realizations this morning.
I've been dabbling again with astrology & tarot; mostly astrology. This year and especially this month, there is a planetary combination that hasn't happened since The Reformation and Martin Luthor. And because of Holly's and my signs... where we were once united, very strong & indomitable together... we've been in an opposing position for a little over a year now. Helps me to see that this isn't some permanent change that's occurred; it too shall pass.
And in my perusal of related but non-specific items I ran across this INTERESTING article about "Control Dramas" and people's style of them. Today's astrologers combine quite a bit of psychology and energy work, into their readings so that is the influence on the content. The influence of the Saturn - Pluto conjunction in Capricorn is interpreted to inflame those kinds of control dramas. It's from the old Celestine Prophecies. (Yeah, I'm kinda retracing my steps over a few things here and there.) But stripped of all the astrological mumbo-jumbo... these four styles DO exist; I've experienced them... and it helped me see a bit of what of what is driving my normally pragmatic, can-do daughter, a tad too far over the edge.
https://askastrology.com/control-dramas/
sKePTiKal:
Even co-ordinator is the wrong word. I think I'm going with TEACHER. But what I'm offering as subject matter is not, you must be/do/think x, y, z... it's teaching a process for doing that one's self. Understanding what works, functionally. NOT ideally. And why. It does require me explaining what works for me, and doesn't; and why. And expecting that to be accepted and not challenged to change...
and why no one can tell another person: you need to change THIS WAY.
I imagine - ha - that this will get presented pretty smoothly, if I'm allowed to be the teacher in front of the room. But when we get to the exercise and participation part of it, it might all just go to hell. We'll see. I have herded cats before and have that experience to fall back on. Those cats didn't quite feel so entitled to challenge/criticize me directly... without addressing the content itself.
Meanwhile, at a deeper level I've had a cascade of insights into what's going on - non-verbally - with Holly. Could be wrong, I know that and accept it. But for me, it clears up a lot of the confusion I was experiencing about her behavior.
Sigh. Can't dilly-dally much longer. Need to start the outline. And then meditate, go into the void, and reassess it before scheduling the meeting.
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