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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
<Rambling Blather Warning>

It's a good thing I figured out I could essentially "flip a switch" and not try to make myself miserable about B being beyond where we can communicate. Because this feeling (feelings?) is/are incredibly intense. I've been trying to figure out ways to manage that and still go about my day without being totally distracted & preoccupied. This is more intense than even when I first recognized the connection between us - when Hol said I was just like a lovestruck 14 yr old. LOLOLOL.

Go figure: I've got a lot more practice and experience managing negative emotions - but I've never been this so blissfully happy. It feels STRANGE. And he's not even communicating with me; not for a few more days yet. This is all coming from ME. And ironically, for most of my life, I believed that happy was a transitory state. Fleeting moments that one shouldn't attach oneself to - because they'd be gone in the space of hours or at most - a day. It's not imaginary or fantasy-based... I'll be doing something mundane like taking the trash out - and start giggling to myself, just because I feel so happy. Not even thinking about him. It's not conditional - ie, it's not a reaction to communication from him or his presence. There isn't any interaction whatsoever between us this week - altho I did dream about him a couple nights ago.

I can't even analyze it much; only so far as concluding that the feelings I've experienced previously when I thought I was "in love"... were apparitions of emotional programming/conditioning: this is how people are supposed to feel, act, think, etc. There were a lot transactional conditions in all 3 of my marriages; unspoken negotiations of I'll give you X, and in return, I'll receive Y and "put up with" Z. After the years A&B have talked - we've never even had one "relationship" conversation. We do talk about feelings; and how we feel with each other. We did address the practical aspects of our individual habits & quirks & how we like to do things.

We're both so ferociously independent that "needs" seem to not exist as separate things; we just WANT to be together because it feels happy to be together. The other's happiness is more important - and that's a two-way connection. We don't HAVE TO BE together, to still have the relationship we do. All the other stuff just kind of falls into place naturally with us. Even now - while I'm adjusting to this unfamiliar "frequency" of happy - I'm not making plans, checklists of expectations to be met, or a post-it of things we have to discuss.

I guess this "me".... is Amber too. She was there all this time under the layers & layers of muck, pain, defenses, risk averseness, starting overs, practical matters.... and all it took was for someone to look and see her hiding under all that. All that "other stuff" is still useful; a good experiential toolkit; it doesn't need to be purged or forgotten... as long as it doesn't get in the way or thinks it's not important anymore and tries to get attention by acting out.

Better late than never, I guess.

Hopalong:
WOWSERS, Amber. I think this is some huge leaping. You are beginning to resemble a kangaroo.


--- Quote ---this week's separation really turned dark on me. Almost a replay of losing Michael...
--- End quote ---

That is so stark and so clear. I'm glad you saw it. That the lover's temporary absence could feel almost (not quite) like DEATH, in the loss it triggered. You know this reaction is "too big" but you identified it honestly and full on, and that's why you could immediately, rationally, challenge the proportion. Good for you, girl.


--- Quote ---...it persisted even after I woke up this morning... so I simply DECIDED...

I'm not going to do that. It's OK, he had to go away for work for a week. I'm truly FINE.
--- End quote ---


Yes, you are! Doesn't mean it's FUN to be missing him, but it isn't DANGEROUS.

It sounds as though you really had an epiphany about your own self and your own reactions, and it sounds like the kind that will keep on rippling good things, healing and hopeful realizations...on into the future.

I say seriously, congratulations. Whether it was decision or reason or a sudden moment where your mind was ready to click into balance between emotion and reason and health and vulnerability...all or some combo, you let this good change happen. You didn't block it or fear it or sabotage it.

That's awesome!

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Amber:

Hear! Hear!

Here's to noticing emotions aren't real.  They have no power.  They're not good or bad, they just are, and one doesn't have to grab on or follow them down a rabbit hole. 

One may choose where attention is focused. 

I look forward to you and B focusing on every happy amazing thing in your lives, shared and individually, without projecting into the future or worrying about the past. 

Just.....

BE A&B.
And A.
And B.

And seek your joy. 

Right here,  and now,  WOOF.

Lighter

cats paw:
Well said by CB.   I was going to say something very similar after reading your last couple of posts!

It's so wonderful to know those kinds of feelings have no age limit.

Cat

sKePTiKal:
Hops I do think it's a combo of things - and TIMING, really - that it just clicked for me. Boo on the not getting anything done, though... LOL.  But I really can't. I'm in some strange state of suspended animation... waiting for Hol to be able to start moving (a couple more days; early next week) and Buck to get back to his regularly scheduled "timeline" for moving here.

I did get preps ready to build my wall of rock, though, yesterday.

Lighter... I sense that I'm flowing more WITH things these days, instead of trying to impose how I think things should go. And since that whole intuitive side of me has woken up... I'm definitely noticing things more often and in different ways than before.

Kitty - After Mike died (2015) it was a few years before I even thought about "looking" again. Tried the online dating stuff - and it just isn't my scene. And I'd known B for years before he came up last year to rescue my jeeps from my studied neglect... LOL. I moved in that time too; back "home" but in the mountains across the state line. So I knew I liked him as a friend; he'd been actively supporting me on some of those worst nights early on, during the freshest loss. But the sparks were undeniable and he was too much a gentleman and too shy to make the first move. LOLOL. I think I mighta scared myself a little in that process. ("What were you THINKING Amber?! Have you lost your mind??! You're not ready for this!!!!) Oh my***. But as it turns out we've had a chance to let the friendship deepen and shift... and yes, it's truly something I'm grateful for -- to find this kind of love again.

Seriously, I might consider writing a romance novel this winter. LOL. I just can't write dialogue worth a crap. Maybe I'll try Cormac McCarthy's style - no punctuation on the dialogue. There's an ulterior motive to this idea, since there's an open question of whether perhaps we were together in a past life (if you believe such things are possibe; I'm not sure). Would give me a chance to let imagination & intuition create setting... and maybe I'd get clues.

*** Once upon a time, back in ye olden times of beads & rock & roll & incense, I was most definitely an "empowered" young woman. That changed over the decades; mellowed; I'm seeing my feminity in new ways too. (Without giving up any independence, mind you).

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