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Farm Doin's - 2020

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Twoapenny:
Skep, I just wanted to add my very general thoughts to this very difficult and complex situation.  To me, the idea of moving into my mum's house, getting her to build me a place to live, having her allow me to move in my boyfriend, mentally unwell friend and dog and then castigating her for expecting people to be conversational and wash their own dishes up, is just mind blowing.  They're not teenagers finding their way in the world, they're all middle aged people who need a kick up the bum, quite frankly.  I feel really sad to read that you're worrying about how to word a 'charter' of behaviour and expectation.  It's your place - if you want everyone to leap to attention every four minutes and do a cartwheel then you've got every right to insist that they do that or go somewhere else.  It doesn't need to be reasonable - it's your home (and your dime they're all living on) and none of them are treating you very well, in my opinion.  I do agree with Hops - if Holly's desperate to have a relationship and a baby with this monosyllabic layabout then she can - somewhere else (and I do find myself wondering how long that relationship would last if it were just the two of them, with no mum to absorb Holly's emotional needs that are quite clearly not being met by him).

I don't think you need a charter - I think you need some gloves off, straight talking about manners, decency, responsibilities and rent, without any worry about whose feelings might be hurt.  I don't mean to sound harsh but from an outsiders point of view it reads like they're all taking advantage of your incredibly generous and giving nature and somehow managing to convince you you need to deal with all of them.  They can all deal with themselves - somewhere else, if need be.  I hope you can draw a line though a lot of this soon, and sorry again if this is too harsh or blunt, I don't mean it to be xx

lighter:
Amber:

I feel a great deal of compassion for Holly.

From here, it feels like she's been pushing your buttons and boundaries hard,  hoping you'll rally and stand your ground.  I think she'll be relieved once you do.
 Our children want us to have the answers, even as they resist them, IME.   

The facts might feel threatening to Holly, for a bit, but they're necessary for her to make big girl decisions going forward, IME.  Facts and truth will empower her. Blurring boundaries doesn't serve her journey, or anyone involved, IME.

It's going to be OK.  You're a kind, consistent mother.  Focus on what's yours and things will fall in place.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Lighter - yes; you've hit the nail on the head. I have been suffering for months - precisely because I didn't ever forecast I'd have to stand up for myself in my own home, against my own - very empathic, and sensitive D. It's not as awful as some of y'all are thinking.

I get breaks - that I enforce. Sometimes Hol needs one too. But it's an ongoing situation that I need to address and SOON. Before her jail sentence (if any) and the temporary move to B'more. John is here and engaged in some of the situations - so I have his observations/feedback too. Mixed in with his concerns for her, of course.

My guess that this was a PTSD thing, has more validity. We spent two days talking through a lot of her memories. Mostly her talking - me filling in blanks or providing more details. She's on a mission, I think, to remember something her brain doesn't want to remember. It's a factor in her righteous anger. Confusion means, that sometimes she directs it at me; a little guilt as well.

3 days in a row now, with no major blowups or meltdowns. Of course, she's still got raging hormones from the miscarriage (and feelings to deal with)... and she started her first period right after the last ugly episode, when she was trying to nix the idea of the charter meeting - that she'd suggested not that many days before.

After my notes, after the first attempt at an outline, I rewrote it. There are only 3 main points (for now) - separated by Q&A/Discussion points. I want this to be absolutely CLEAR, unmistakeable, and things are phrased in such a way that I am looking for their input and ideas, to come to a basic agreement.

Buck has been my rock. It's been easy to explain all this to him; yeah - he has his own opinion and is OFFERING, should I ask, to "fix it". But staying behind the boundary. No challenges there. Commisseration, yes - he has an 18 yr old daughter feeling her oats. LOL. Holly's fears about him, are irrational. She even admits it. But I think I know where that fear comes from. For now, my lips are sealed.

Buck has so many kids - children, grandchildren, fosters, and god-children that he takes responsibility for - I know he's got great "Dad" instincts. I think eventually, she'll come to value that... as long as those boundaries glow in the dark and can be seen from outer space.

It IS going to be OK; all right. Because that's my role around here; it's in my job description.

sKePTiKal:
CB - yes, you know. I think it's a generational thing. The kids are way more used to friends or themselves "couch surfing" for a time, or permanently; and group living. I've NEVER lived with a group. Longest we had family stay with us at the beach was 10 days - and they were off sightseeing, going to the ocean all day many days.

I grew up expected to respect other people's things; to ask - not just assume; please & thank you... and I can't conceive of ever behaving like this -- even the times I've stayed with my (still) limited contact Mom.

And of course - Holly grew up with same social "rules"; some even stricter and more detailed. So, yes - I have an idea where she's getting the new attitude from. I'm presuming; but I'm also not buying the reasons/explanations/excuses for it anymore, either. BS.

Hops, there is NO WAY I want people traipsing in/out of my property on a regular basis; I am pretty sure now I'd be a terrible hostess. I just want to be a hermit - so I don't have to deal with the kind of crap I'm dealing with on a weekly basis - in my own house, because I offered her a refuge... and she brought home a stray pet.

She and I have had conversations about this for a year or more already. I really don't mind even large groups of her friends for a weekend. They're all intelligent, respectful, helpful and fun people - unlike this "pet" of hers. I objected - and warned her I would pull the plug on the first house guest, and DID. John, just showed up sans invitation to "help". I've talked to him about "white knight" syndrome. LOL. But that is the difference:

John does odd jobs around here - Steve has done none. John cooks food that is appetizing to all of us - instead of just himself. He attempts to mediate & witness during some of Hol's and my more heated interactions. While he is Hol's friend and right now devoted to helping HER, he's developed a fair amount of respect for my situation too. He and I even work together around here fairly comfortably.

And John goes into town to entertain himself, use a gym, meet friends - and offers to take Hol with him, but she will not leave Steve when he's here. (I believe the plan is for him to go along with her for the pilot filming. I already stated in no uncertain terms that he couldn't stay while she was gone that long.)

Steve may have ulterior motives for being this way; he may not. It may be a combination of reasons why he isn't going to interact with me - I have tried to initiate conversations with HIM, and I need a stopwatch to time how long they are. He never approaches me. I've even used the gimmick of speaking to the dogs... and that seldom works. But it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to tolerate - especiallly when he isn't contributing financially or with work. (This time of year, it's not hard work; just piddling inside projects; creative work.)

The point being, if he chooses to be this way and make no effort - well, shit. There are consequences. And these are it. I'm suspicious of his intentions toward my D long term and don't feel terribly KIND, as a result. But she's a big girl and makes her own choices TOO. And will suffer any consequences of them... but they're not going to be punishments or anything I initiate. She makes her bed; she can lie in it too.

But, if he thinks that's enough to get away with disrespecting my buildings, tools, and property - and kitchen counter - he has another think coming. It doesn't buy him a free ride either.

Buck described him as a tick. Once he's used up his "host" - he'll move on. It seems OBVIOUS to all of us, but it's not possible to talk to Hol about concerns. She makes excuses for him and defends him and takes on the things HE should be doing herself.

SIGH. Y'all know what that is and how it ends up

lighter:
Amber:

I'm following your thread, taking notes and making connections for myself.

I have much work to do.

Lighter

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