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Farm Doin's - 2020

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lighter:
Amber: 

It felt like a penny dropped as I read that last post of yours.

There's nothing wrong with S, or how he behaves in you space.  He'll be just what he is, wherever he goes. 

He's not going to change. 

The only change will come from you and Hol.

Any time spent feeling upset over S (for me)  is wasted... he is what he is.

What Hol is, or what she becomes.... that's the great mystery I want to see unfold

What you're willing to put up with and how you'll rule over your boundaries.... THAT's fascinating stuff, IMO.

I'm on the porch, in what feels like an Autumn breeze, watching many hummingbirds flit in and out, fly by together, and feed at the edge of the porch, or check out all the red lamps, just in case they have sugar juice too, lol. 

Something clicked for me, as I read your post.
We spend so much time focused on S.... the story was never about S.

Lighter 

 

sKePTiKal:
Perhaps Lighter. Perhaps S is for Hol, what the tarot readers call a karmic relationship - one that we learn some big life lessons from. As for me: I saw the writing on the wall a year ago. But feeling that my hands are tied - and it's NOT MY PLACE to make a final decision of whether he fits in here or is good for Hol, or even is reciprocating as much as he's gotten being here... is a pretty crappy place for me to be in. Given my nature, I'm going to have negative feelings about him - even IF energy-wise - I've spent time here alone with him (when she was in jail) and we can share a space "peacefully" with only his refusal to clean up after himself and being entitled to use & abuse my tools to irritate me. We simply did NOT interact. That is his standard way of dealing with the whole world around him. It's really not personal in my case. However, it's going to be VERY personal in Hol's case; and this is what is coming up for her, over & over again. He does the same with her - until he's uncomfortable in some way and then he's explosively angry with her.

For the most part I am detaching from much of anything to do with it. I have other things to do. (B has been a little neglected lately. But he's quite busy too.) It's in her hands; she is a big girl and I have faith she'll do what's right for her. She knows I have her back if she needs me; and I don't rise to the state of even non-verbal comments until he's being a real PIMA, in my house - and trying to tell me what I should do and be like, for the sake of his comfort. As if he's the only one who matters. There is another part of me; perhaps "little Amber"; who was wise all those years ago and is wiser still now... or my shadow side... that is working on a force field around my space and reclaiming it. It will likely be another two weeks before they're completely moved out. I am self-validating the role of "Queen of my Estate"... knowing just what I can/can't do without "unintended consequences"; knowing what is "right use" of power and what is definitely NOT; and staying strong within those boundaries. And giving her all the space & time she wants to invest in what I know, she knows is not currently what she wants. We have discussed if that's likely to change. She is still hopeful; but the last blowup has shrunk that hope somewhat.

They stayed in the hut last night; kind of camping - mostly just starting to claim the space. I even offered to make & deliver a pizza for them, if she texted me. I'm not being a bitch in this situation, but I'm not going to be pushed around either -- or let her get pushed around or manipulated. I am trying to model a helpful & respectful behavior. Hol and I checked in briefly about how she feels now; what she's thinking going forward. She is going to give him a chance to settle into their space and see if he can begin to open up to her a little more and they can find a way through the repetitive non-reciprocal nature of their private & mundane life. She will be not be overjoyed & happy if they decide it's not going to work - and that he can't accept that she is who she is, too and that she likes and respects herself this way and that's NOT being his mommy. And she is steady in the self understanding that she can't be guilt-tripped by him. She sees it when he tries it. Quite the contrary. When he threatened leaving after this last argument - which was pretty one-sided; him yelling only - she said "Go then" and went to sleep in the other room. This morning, she wisecracked that she's taking care of 3 dogs. Yeah, it's clear to her. I'm not worried on that front. She is giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will make good on the promises he's made - all conditional on being in the hut.

And he is clearly avoiding me. He's consistently told Hol I terrify him; I'm crazy; demented and having poor judgement, etc etc etc crap. Yet it didn't stop him trying to shove his entitled demand at me, to see B the way he sees him. (So, yeah it's going to be complicated - what in life ISN'T??) B has agreed to let me handle this, with some qualifications that I'm OK with. We both have extensive parenting experience and so, this situation isn't going to interfere with us. And B negotiates fairly. I know he's a man of his word, so I have a high level of trust there.

Life, however, is messy. And unexpected things happen all the time. I can't foresee everything or control those things, nor should I try in most cases. I have a high level of trust in Hol, too. And I know when it comes to relationships, she's already learned some hard lessons about guarding her own self-interests. But the times I thought he'd left or did actually leave, I certainly felt the energy in the whole space around here CLEAR UP DRASTICALLY.

I can, without malice, be a bull in a china shop with a floor full eggshells. With a giant happy grin on my face. To say I resent the NEED TO BE, because it's impossible to have a grown up rational conversation with someone who won't talk or acknowledge that my feelings are important too, without someone feeling intimidated or only considering their OWN wants & needs - and not the others around them  - is an understatement. The respect that has been afforded has not been reciprocated. And that was a basic truth I dropped on Hol almost a week ago - that it's hard to have real love without respect for the other person. Just tossed it out as a non-sequitor. Someday, I'll hear her say it in another context.

sKePTiKal:
Thanks CB & Lighter. Honestly, I think I've spent enough brain-time on this subject - and as they spend more & more time at the hut (she's been here helping me with things to heavy to move by myself) - I can let it go and it's MUCH easier to just check in with her during our pow-wows once a week.

:shrug: Maybe he will change enough to convince her it's worth it. Maybe he won't. Will I still have to field Hol's need to express her frustrations? Probably. But I'll just tell her what she told me - talk to S and tell him how you want it done. Her kitchen counter butcherblock - all custom made by a friend of hers - now has spots on it after one night in the place because he doesn't pay attention to what he's doing and doesn't notice he made a mess - and doesn't feel it's his job to clean up after himself. Her response to that was: can you at least TRY? (Yes, she knows that it can be sanded & refinished but ONE NIGHT? REALLY??) I just looked at her and said, now you know how I feel. She didn't say if he even apologized; I have heard him do so in the past - while at the same excusing him from trying to do better, by simply saying "that's who I am". SIGH.

And we can do that; be that honest. As long as we don't push on the boundaries we've both developed over the past 2 years... we can say almost anything to each and have it acknowledged, and allow explanation or defense of self. Without it becoming an "argument" - because neither is wishing for the responsibility of controlling the other. That is way too advanced in human interpersonal relations for S.

When her complaining starts to take up too much of my time, which it has done in years past because she wouldn't just make her decision and carry it out, then I can/will be a tad more blunt and limit my time on it.

Instead of letting this take up room in my head, when they're moving out... I'm moving on to my happy place: Buck and decorating plans. And my new "studies" on some old interests. He COULD be here in as little as a month; just depends on how things go at his place.

Hopalong:
Uggghh.
I'm very sorry you're living with this kind of resentment and undercurrent stress, Amber. NOT what the mountain dream was about.

About this:
....or let her get pushed around or manipulated.

FWIW, short of him being physically abusive to her (zero tolerance of course)...is it possible Hol will learn her own boundaries better if her capacity for learning from her mistakes is assumed?

IOW, if she herself recognizes being dominated or manipulated? If you alert her to those, in my understanding that could slowly train her to believe that she can't develop the capacity to alert herself. Undermine her own agency because you are ready to leap in front of her or advise her or spot her.

I don't mean this in an unkind way, but Hol may need to fall. And bounce. Even painfully. Before she builds a stronger sense of self.

She's got a mother tiger when she might need a mother giraffe, serenely munching a good distance above her drama.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops Hon, I KNOW she's got this, all by herself. I'm just calling her out to explain how SHE sees it and inquiring as to where her boundaries are. I'm absolutely NOT going to attempt to set them. If anything, I'm more easygoing and forgiving than she is. I'm only reassuring myself that she sees it. She wouldn't let me step in, anyway.

She's ALSO a mama tiger. Which why I'm detaching and letting it go along with all the stuff in my house... that isn't mine and I don't WANT.  ;)  The whole house will be cleaned top to bottom and then smudged. I might even wash windows.

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