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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
B raised the D; Mom wanted to be gone. Until 18; now Mom feels like her opinion matters more than his. LOLOL.
He handles this way better than I would... hasn't seen Ex since HS graduation a couple months ago. He is pretty much as no contact with her as he can be. Distance is even better; and why there was such secrecy about what he was planning. He really didn't want to be found, after he sells his house, gives her 50% and he takes off. Lots of self-preservation in there with the secrecy.

One of the ways I got involved talking to him all those years ago was him asking the women on the forum for some help to buy D a good sports bra. He didn't know where to start. But he is now a veteran of Victoria's Secret... LOLOL. And the guy's "bench"... waiting. I got involved again with the prom dress - the prom that didn't happen due to Covid.

His oldest D - biological - is the same age as Hol. The one who lives in London. But she ended up living with mom until her teenaged years, when mom couldn't handle her anymore. B was still enlisted & active initially; so I'm guessing it was shortly after his injury that he got BL back on track. She's an engineer; thinking software engineer. But she likes tinkering with tools as much as B does. And there's at least one grand-daughter too. She's old enough to be his realtor.

Then, there's all the kids he's fostered over the years. So, he seems to come by "strong fatherhood" pretty naturally. There are some differences between he & I over philosophy that way, the way there usually are - but except for the "adult daughter follies" we don't have to actively parent. I raised Hol very very differently than most people did in the 80's-90s. And it has made her extremely self-sufficient and independent; but it also has it's drawbacks too. We've talked about it in those terms; and she's at the "no parents get it completely right even when they don't do something wrong" stage about it.

Brianna, B's D, wants to be a tattoo artist - which Hol did for about 10 years. So, she'd welcome Brianna to come stay and talk about that and maybe get our brand of Amazon female mentoring too. Hol has two step-brothers (Ex #2's boys) and she's been in contact with them; saw the oldest one out in Portland when she was on her road trip. So she's no stranger to blended families.

lighter:
B sounds like the kind who's calm at the surface, but paddling like hell under the water.  To keep all those children on track, be enlisted, get injured, go through his own recovery... he had to paddle like mad.

It's difficult to imagine a woman abandoning a child, any child, bc that's how my mind works.  I know it happens.  I know worse happens. B's ex wanted that child badly enough to go through the adoption process.  It certainly appears like selfish and harmful behaviors in all directions....and....
 it just keeps coming up for me, not as a judgment...
but as a behavior style....
psychopathic.

YET, she appears to have fostered children?

In any case, I'm hoping B can make a clean break, and getaway. 

It sounds like he's deserving.

What, if anything, is the adopted daughter saying about her mother's sudden bossy boots reappearance into her life?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
She's not saying too much Lighter. She does speak up when Ex's ideas and hers conflict - or when Ex is being unfair to B in some way. I can only imagine what kinds of abandonment issues MIGHT be experienced in a case like this. But if I know B, he's done everything he can to make sure the D isn't in anyway blaming herself for someone else's choice in the matter. Still, those kinds of feelings really HURT.

Got my bedroom curtains ironed & rehung; after all the work in there they were pretty dusty. Still waiting on my rug; pad is supposed to be delivered today. Hol is attending to some homeowner tasks that she wasn't waiting around for contractor to take care of. She is hoping to get to inspection & occupancy late this week so she can move all the rest of her stuff there.

It's quiet around here. And I'm remembering how I go about doing things again. Instead of getting pulled in this direction or that - or navigating around people eating at all times of the day whenever they're hungry. Thinking about when is a good time for overhauls of hvac/hot water systems. I'd LIKE to get the furnace replaced this fall and a/c upgraded... both heat/cooling with two zones for upstairs & down... leaving the ground floor as is.

Hopalong:
I can't feel comfortable demonizing a woman I don't know enough about, or labeling her "psychopath" or "sociopath" or "PD." (Could be true, could be partly true in some ways, could be hyperbole or pot-stirring.) I don't know what her issues really are, and don't know anything whatsoever about their actual marriage.

B sounds like a wonderful father and as though he's threaded the needle with his ex as well as he could. In addition to really being there for children. Bless 'im.

I found that although I loved M, when I listened to him denigrate the "crazy" mother of his children I was disturbed by his glee. She had her own desperation.

Sisterhood is sticky, for me. Even for strangers, until I learn otherwise directly. Or at least, it just feels like a moral imperative for me, not to pile on for my own entertainment or satisfaction. So far, I feel I don't know enough about her life to have a view.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I'm kinda the same way Hops. I only know what Buck has said about her; but I do know it takes two to tango in ALL cases. And while I feel his hurt at the suddenness of her pronoucement is genuine and it was a long relationship... I don't know all the details either. I have read enough of the military wives' support pages & stories to know that it puts incredible stress on a relationship. There is an awful lot of lonliness in those marriages. And depending on length of deployment - people change too.

But I'm not about to go into detail with B about my marriages and don't expect him to about his. At our age, it would be rarer than hen's teeth to find someone who'd never been in a close committed relationship and had their share of lessons learned; pain; and regrets, sometimes. In fact, I'd be real gun-shy of someone who made it to 60 WITHOUT having had that kind of relationship!

Sometimes, there's such a thing as "over sharing" that doesn't really contribute anything to learning about a person, as they are now. Society seems to have expectations that this is a good thing for people to do. I question that premise. I think sometimes, that's how patterns get repeated within relationships. It's more complicated than that, sure... but I think that level of "confession" contributes to it. I'm much more interested in a clean slate approach, discovery, exploration, and actual first hand experience than trying to work out what went wrong in the past, in a present relationship. It kind of contaminates things, I think.

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