Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
Hopalong:
Transcendent.
Beautiful.
What love.
I am so moved by your choice, Amber.
If you ever need a hospital gown, you'll turn it into your ball gown.
Lucky Buck, and lucky you, to be a woman who chooses love over certainty.
Hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Ya know Hops, when "writing" a really good story, or reading one, we really look forward to that denouement or sometimes "happy ending".
I figure I'm "writing" my life story but by living it - not telling the story - these days. And I'm thinking about writing this chapter(s) as the The Years of Living Dangerously. LOLOL. Freedom to jump off the cliff; trusting my wings; freedom to soar...
As compared to the 60 some years, that I was so focused on staying "safe" and "being careful" and being anxious about the future... and tortured by the past. And oh so concerned about being judged/criticized/what "other people" think. Nope, I'm over that. And that goes double for Holly, btw. LOL.
SO: it looks like I might be making a longer road trip to spend some time away from this 3 ring circus and just spending a couple more days with Buck. Soon. Like this month.
He's got to get back into shape to be able to carry his gear, to do the training. (Unless that's not a requirement for a trainer.) It's 187 lbs he says. :insert eyes bugging out at that weight: He figures the training will happen this summer. A month or so before he can come here. We keep checking things off the to-do list, to make this possible. And also checking-in after each one... to see if this is still what we want to do.
It is.
-------------------
Holly's at the stage of deciding where outlets are going, lighting, etc in the Hut. Windows and sliding doors should be arriving in a couple weeks; decks are the next thing up - which makes installing that glass wall on the field side of the house, MUCH safer and easier. She finally found a kitchen sink that'll do for now; still needs to pick out/order a woodstove and masterbath toilet (picked up 2 others at one of the rehab/reuse places - along with bathroom sinks). She still needs a tub for guest room. And meet with the concrete guys who might build her concrete soaking tub in the master.
We are now counting days to her court date; and finding out what her jail sentence might be. And she starts work on the pilot for this series in a month.
I dunno what exactly happened or how... but ever since our last squabble over the Farm Charter meeting, all that crap has died out and is gone. I suspect John made some headway with her. Last time the 3 of us hung out, it was like they were talking in their own language and I wasn't much included. So she picked at the scab of memory about some abuse stuff from her Dad... and we talked 2 days about that in a quiet, calm manner mostly. So now, we can actually have conversations that don't automatically become arguments. She's no longer ranting out a spiel of things... and when she starts into a semi-chronological blow by blow, all the gorey details including psych analysis... I am able to stop her and ask for the executive summary instead without being accused of who knows what occurs to her.
She's even starting to talk about things with Steve differently. I'm no longer anxious about the final version Charter to discuss at the first meeting. Que sera, sera.
Weird. So I don't know what changed. Just accepting that it has and rolling with it.
lighter:
Amber:
It sounds like you're happy with your sewing machine decisions. Well done.
It sounds like you're happily resolved to whatever comes next with B. He was so sweet to revisit your commitment to full time connection... willing to give you a gentle out, sans guilt.
He strikes me as an amazingly brave spirit. I've only met 1 like him.
You guys are well suited, IMO; )
I'm glad the anxiety around the charter dropped away. Doesn't matter why, you're right.
Hol moving through her stuff is good too.
I'm sending prayers and healing pink light for everyone who needs it.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Thanks hon. He is a remarkable person - not the life-story stuff, the stories that old guys always tell on themselves (over & over & over... LOL) but how he approaches life in the day to day. The stuff that REALLY matters to him; and the plethora of stuff that DOESN'T.
We're hitting the point - even at a distance - where we're going through things together. That's pretty special all by itself. His D will hear by the 14th if she's accepted at the college she really wants. It's a smaller school, with a more classic art program. I think she'll do well there. He won't have to worry AS much about her in that environment. He's very much been a part of this whole Farm Charter debate and contention. But all from the place where he understands he's part of it too. He will need to participate. And why its necessary for us, as a family group.
The past 2 days, John's been putting in long hours on the rotohammer, helping me demo the surround for the electric fireplace in the master. The room is a freakin' dusty disaster right now. But we've been making good progress on it and while I can feel the "need to clean" ramping up; even overcoming physical exhaustion... I'm really wanting to push on and finish, so that I can clean ONCE and it stays clean. I need to call Hol's contractor and see if he wants to take on a reasonably small bathroom remodel that shouldn't take long and he'll have plumbers & electricians here anyway. The wall where the fireplace WAS, is my job. I think I'm putting up cement board and then filling in with dry stacked stone veneer (lightest color I can find) for behind the headboard. More mess - LOL. Then, new carpet... and bathroom tile... and then I can start making it a space for two instead of just me (which of course, I've been putting up with the things that bothered me or were unused/inconvenient for years now).
John and I work well together. He needed something physical to do and I was a little frustrated by my own procrastination - and lack of strength, to tell the truth - to do battle with the stubborn mortar, heavy hammers, and cobbled together blocks. Depending on what he decides to do with his future path, I could see him becoming a more permanent fixture around here. There are some personal issues of his own to work out; and he tends to trample boundaries more than he has a right to... but he's also working on that, and I am better aware of it, too. I don't think staying here is in his plans though. I think he has other things calling him, that he's working toward.
Que sera, sera. He's the right man right now and he is gratified by being able to contribute. So it works out.
Hopalong:
Glad Hol's friend John is a positive contributor for now, Amber.
Really glad it's beginning to sound as though actual plans are in the works for you and Buck!
Thinking of you as all these currents go in all their directions and hopefully soon settle into a beautiful body of peace, still waters, and calm depths.
Big hugs
Hops
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