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Farm Doin's - 2020

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lighter:
You sound very relieved, Amber.  The book keeper's attention seeking was....
meant to panic you?  You think?  Sounds exhausting to me.....not acceptable.  If I weren't so wrung out, I'd rant with more gusto on your behalf.

I'm hoping B makes it to the farm this month.  Until then, business as usual.  Enjoy the weather, your farm and tasks at hand : )
 Lighter

Hopalong:
I wonder if a new, PT bookkeeper-in-training (a whiz) could be hired now, to work alongside soon-retired woman? With understanding that this provisional PT position would go FT upon her retirement if all checks out and it goes well? Just a thot.

I don't blame you about B. I'd be disappointed too. Is there a shred of concern that he's foot dragging or is it purely the load of things he's got to sort out? I forget what they all are but recall first it was getting his D off to college, and next was selling his house? Not sure I've remembered it right.

If D is sent home due to covid, can she live there independently? Maybe he's not selling his house until he's sure about that?

Damn. I get it. But love your reaction, which is to carry on inside YOUR life while you ponder and figure it out. I Like the idea of you not being glued to your phone either, since I've always felt that texting isn't relating even though it gives that illusion and dopamine hits. Phone calls give real connection though, and feel more adult. (Translation: feel more geezer, like myself).

Frustrated for you, admiring your coping. How about a huge cozy nap in the new bedroom today, or just some lolling time and maybe journaling? Pros and Cons of this or that?

hugs and comfort,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hey Lighter...

the weird thing about my situation is I'm 2 days away from where the business is located. MOST of the time, since people have been there so long, everything runs smoothly. And anything that comes up can be handled by the guy in charge, since he's been there so long. I can trust his judgement; I've only had occasion to question him or propose alternatives one time... and in the end, his instinct was right anyway.

Guy in charge is on vacation till the end of the month. Thinking back... this attention-seeking behavior has raised it's head more than once. Sometimes it was difficulties with another employee; sometimes it was creating a "problem" out of thin air. I LIKE her. I really do. And she knows I consider her the "memory" of the company... and trust her. It's game-playing, pure and simple. Pecking order rivalry stuff. It happens in group dynamics. USUALLLY, it's nothing serious; harmless. But it's always dramatized to be.

People who are compulsive game-players will assume that everyone thinks the same way they do... and are up to the same mind tricks. For some people, that's the only group dynamics they know; have been around. If shown another way... a bit of enlightenment occurs. If the group leader is aware of this tactic within the pecking order, and enforces some rules to circumvent the motivation for it in the first place... most of it can be avoided. But that strategy requires a secondary effort too - with individual and personal attention to each person; actual caring. And given the distance I am from the company - and the demands/activities in the rest of my life - I'm not so good at that second part. Team leadership 101 requires the leader put forth as much time & effort as everyone else. No one gets to just sit around and say I want... you do.... and point.

So in a way, it was a harmless - but terrifying - wake up call for me. She usually goes to my brother. Having spent his life as a team coach, he's really much better at Part 2 than I am. And then my brother will say something to me.

Yes, Hops. The wise thing to do is hire someone on before she retires so that the stream of workflow in the office stays continuous and doesn't bog down while someone tries to figure things out. We've talked for at least 5 years about hiring/training someone new and younger for each position so people can retire knowing they haven't left us scrambling. (Loyalty is that high in some cases.) When guy in charge comes back from vacation, we'll review the job description and update it... and start the search. I almost expect the outgoing BKeeper to be real prickly about the incoming... but that's because outgoing & I both date back to the green ledger sheets and hand calculations. No one CAN replace her... but perhaps we can find someone who's more expert with the software, has a solid acounting background (not just bookkeeping) and can easily learn the intricacies of our cobbled together system. And then we have a retirement party to plan.  :D 

Buck heard me about the disappointment, and the waning patience on my part. Plans have firmed up for the end of October trip. It just won't be the last trip, like I'd hoped. He is bringing a truck/trailer load. Despite him enjoying projecting the gung-ho, git R done, move fast image... the fact is, a large and significant portion of his life is all closing at once. Albeit, at different rates of momentum. That's a lot to process - mentally and emotionally. And unless he's really called to rush it from within himself... it's going to take time. When it feels "time" to him... it's time. I'm a little different, in that I do my deciding, waffling, second-guessing and most of my beating myself up BEFORE I decide to take action and what action I'll take.

But once I decide, then I release the process of HOW it happens in the interest of making it happen... understanding that there will some things that are difficult, not to my standards, and "expedient" over "how it should be" all along the way. It's full steam ahead... damn the torpedos... LOLOLOL.

He keeps a lot of that processing over the past private. We've talked enough about it, that I understand, or think I do. I don't have curiosity about going deeper. At least, not in a "gory detail" way. Like most people, something will nudge a memory... and he tells me the story of what happened.

So, the knowledge that the road trip is "on" now; coming up; put him in a playful mood. Which makes me smile and want to play too. I realized he and I really do play well together. We like doing a lot of the same things - not just talking about them, dreaming about them, but actually getting out there and DOING them. It takes me a "buddy" to do things with, to go do a lot of things. I'm not thrilled about doing things on my own, although I have done. We also work well together... even given our differences in how we work. And doing things together is how we learn more about each other. I know how incredibly patient he can be... and how easily frustrated he can get too over certain things too. He's discovered that I'm not a cringing, wringing my hands type of female. I'll dive right into mud or dirt and do what needs doing... even if I don't want to. And sometimes I have to psych myself up to that, depending on the situation. He knows for a fact that I can use tools - but the deeper mechanical knowledge of things is still not high on my list of learning priorities. That's changing, lately. But that's because he's a master at those trades and is a patient teacher.

At 64, finishing up and closing out all the past major parts of one's life... and how/why X Y Z happened... and all the thoughts/emotions about it... only to jump off the cliff and start something brand-new, that gets him back to where he started; aspects of HOME... the closing of a full circle... is a freakin' big huge life deal for him. It's even a test of how much he's learned about himself; how he interacts with people... and yet it's all new. I had the same sense; that both of us know our roles so well; they're second nature - but we're not locked into them. There is still more to explore, discover, and learn... but it's much more fun to do so with a buddy.   :D

Yes, there's love. In all it's permutations & silliness sometimes. An appreciation of who the other IS. How we're stronger and deeper together, than separate. Somehow, we're both past wanting to force things into some kind of pre-determined pattern of relationship. It's awkward & confusing sometimes. But that's where the mutual respect comes in... and we can enjoy our differences. I think we both sense that when he's permanently here, is when things will really begin. And we're taking our own sweet time doing the survey of how the "land lies" first... and checking in with ourselves to make sure this is doable; we still want to do this. Delaying the moment of no return... even though this isn't going to be a legally binding relationship. At least, not right now. We both have valid reasons for why we'd rather not do that.

He keeps saying he's simple to operate - feed him, give him something to do, help him sleep. But simple is often very profound. And he may be extremely self-deprecating, but some of the rest of us, are extremely observant and highly intuitive... able to sense what is non-verbal. And able to separate out projections from self, from what is sensed. Much of what passes between he and I that is significant, involves no talking whatsoever. But we DO communicate pretty well verbally, too. Still learning some idiosyncrasies there... but it's not challenging.

I don't think he's seen actual snow for a long time. The pretty leaves are starting to drop from the trees now... and it won't be much longer.

sKePTiKal:
I've been sleeping; a soft steady rain has contributed to a serious depth to that sleep. And serious dreaming. Lots of processing going on in those dreams. There was a long complex one about Ex #2. Last night's was a different topic and I knew what it was before I made coffee. But there is no point in trying to remember or analyze either of those - or any of that kind of dream making it's way into consciousness.

These are kinda like emotional adjustments taking place below the surface. Something minor; but a necessary tweak - like during a massage when just the right knot relaxes to bring a better balance to chi flow. It means I'm waking up more rested than usual; less scattered or anxious;

There isn't a lot going through my head right now. I decided to give the business stuff a real rest for a bit and will go back to it later, when the fright I had is more distant in memory. There are lots of other things I can do today, tomorrow and consecutive days that will help me keep things more in balance when I get back to the paperwork.

Hopalong:
You sound a lot more peaceful, Amber...
as though that gentle rain and deep sleep refreshed you at a level you haven't gotten to restore in a while.

I hope that more hope and comfort join hands and walk on in to hang out with you.
Soon! And staying!

hugs
Hops

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