Just another round of Hol's relationship drama. It's the classic cycle - with some details unique to her and S. Partly, she just needs someone to listen to her vent, partly wants a critique of her thinking/understanding of "what's fair" in love & war... and trying to decide which one she's really engaging in.
There's been some evolution in her thinking on the topic. Which is probably a good thing; there is some connecting this situation to other issues she's working on. And I end up just being the sounding board and pointing out, when she's putting herself down unfairly... for whatever reason she tends to do that. And then, while listening - and watching - and trying to "see"... I'm trying to form my own (private) understanding of what's off-kilter in her collection of ideas - or just the balance of importance she puts on some over others.
It requires me to stand within my self, as solidly as I can so SHE can see what's coming up in her feelings, thoughts and out her mouth. Without influencing. And that's exhausting. Because then I have her stuff in my brain - and it takes me a bit, to put me back. I'm trying to see from her perspective and compare with my own to find the one little dysfunctional bit of the process. I can always tell her, I can't spare the energy for that kind of thing - but she really doesn't have anyone close, or that she feels she can trouble with her stuff at the moment.
Wrapped up in that, is her grappling with whether or not she can expect people to have her back - reciprocally - as she has theirs. And yes, our history is full of times we've gone above & beyond to have each other's back. So she knows it's a real thing that people do for each other. (Maybe she's doing too much for others initially, and when they aren't up to giving back when she needs them , busy with their own life, or simply don't have that ability... she seems to excuse them as being "just human"... but never expects that she might be as well. As if she isn't supposed to feel hurt, disappointed, abandoned or bereft... hmmm. Idea to ponder.)
She has about 6 more weeks of phone meetings with her substance abuse counselor; who she despises. But going through the process has made her more determined to find a therapist to deal with her issues - whether conditioned patterns or trauma or whatever. I think she's finally ready to tackle that. Poor counselor; from what Hol's shared the woman is truly trying to help but perhaps doesn't have the right skills to deal with Hol's big personality and strength. LOL... she told Hol she was intimidating. THAT wasn't helpful... but I can see why Hol gives that impression. She doesn't mean in a physical sense; but intellectually and emotionally.
I've been told that at various times too. One reason I hid myself under a bushel basket and have invariably been told I'm a hard person to get to know. Hol is different - because she doesn't hide her true self; and people merely ASSUME it's a mask covering some deep dark secret pain. We've talked about that and because she didn't live with me for some years of her teenhood - recognize that the possibility that there is something there is real; something she has firmly rejected as part of herself. But she wants a selected, capable therapist for that work - not someone with a social work degree, who also has the authority to put her back in jail. Obviously, that's not a safe therapeutic environment.
So yeah; not a great day. Not a terrible day. Just a long one. I feel like I'm running around all day long putting out fires that never go completely out; just die down until the next gust of wind fuels it back up again. In a 360 degree range... nothing ever gets resolved... just cycles back around.
I've got to go back out shopping for next week; butcher didn't have any lamb ground and I forgot to ask for bacon too. Then the regular grocery store for sundries & kitty foodz.
