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Farm Doin's - 2020

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Hopalong:
Not a good day yesterday, Amber?

You were just enjoying the deep-cleaned catwalk etc.

Uh oh. Mebbe you overdid it. And you were doing floors too.

Hope all is well or soon will be.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Just another round of Hol's relationship drama. It's the classic cycle - with some details unique to her and S. Partly, she just needs someone to listen to her vent, partly wants a critique of her thinking/understanding of "what's fair" in love & war... and trying to decide which one she's really engaging in.

There's been some evolution in her thinking on the topic. Which is probably a good thing; there is some connecting this situation to other issues she's working on. And I end up just being the sounding board and pointing out, when she's putting herself down unfairly... for whatever reason she tends to do that. And then, while listening - and watching - and trying to "see"... I'm trying to form my own (private) understanding of what's off-kilter in her collection of ideas - or just the balance of importance she puts on some over others.

It requires me to stand within my self, as solidly as I can so SHE can see what's coming up in her feelings, thoughts and out her mouth. Without influencing. And that's exhausting. Because then I have her stuff in my brain - and it takes me a bit, to put me back. I'm trying to see from her perspective and compare with my own to find the one little dysfunctional bit of the process. I can always tell her, I can't spare the energy for that kind of thing - but she really doesn't have anyone close, or that she feels she can trouble with her stuff at the moment.

Wrapped up in that, is her grappling with whether or not she can expect people to have her back - reciprocally - as she has theirs. And yes, our history is full of times we've gone above & beyond to have each other's back. So she knows it's a real thing that people do for each other. (Maybe she's doing too much for others initially, and when they aren't up to giving back when she needs them , busy with their own life, or simply don't have that ability... she seems to excuse them as being "just human"... but never expects that she might be as well. As if she isn't supposed to feel hurt, disappointed, abandoned or bereft... hmmm. Idea to ponder.)

She has about 6 more weeks of phone meetings with her substance abuse counselor; who she despises. But going through the process has made her more determined to find a therapist to deal with her issues - whether conditioned patterns or trauma or whatever. I think she's finally ready to tackle that. Poor counselor; from what Hol's shared the woman is truly trying to help but perhaps doesn't have the right skills to deal with Hol's big personality and strength. LOL... she told Hol she was intimidating. THAT wasn't helpful... but I can see why Hol gives that impression. She doesn't mean in a physical sense; but intellectually and emotionally.

I've been told that at various times too. One reason I hid myself under a bushel basket and have invariably been told I'm a hard person to get to know. Hol is different - because she doesn't hide her true self; and people merely ASSUME it's a mask covering some deep dark secret pain. We've talked about that and because she didn't live with me for some years of her teenhood - recognize that the possibility that there is something there is real; something she has firmly rejected as part of herself. But she wants a selected, capable therapist for that work - not someone with a social work degree, who also has the authority to put her back in jail. Obviously, that's not a safe therapeutic environment.

So yeah; not a great day. Not a terrible day. Just a long one. I feel like I'm running around all day long putting out fires that never go completely out; just die down until the next gust of wind fuels it back up again.  In a 360 degree range... nothing ever gets resolved... just cycles back around.

I've got to go back out shopping for next week; butcher didn't have any lamb ground and I forgot to ask for bacon too. Then the regular grocery store for sundries & kitty foodz.

Hopalong:
I am soooooo glad Hol has come to that conclusion about serious therapy.

Someone as smart as she is could make tremendous tremendous strides if she does the deep dive. I hope you know enough locals to ask for references to the most experienced and hopefully brilliant psychologist in the area. There will be a good one who's chosen life in a smaller, human-scale city for very positive reasons.

I can understand how draining it was. (And btw, serious kudos to you for deliberately avoiding an enmeshed or codependent response. BRAVO.)

All in, it sure sounds like a very good development.

Rest up, you. You can reset your compass heading to your own life.
(You know you got to.)

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops.

I hated to tell her this morning, that while I understand I'm her only option available to hand to talk to (apart from the person she wants/needs to talk to but won't with her) - that I think she needs to also talk about this with some of her closer, more mature friends. I think she's seeing the situation as something being wrong with her - because she wants/needs a strong connection with her partner; she denies that however. Says she sees it's a normal expectation. And while she realizes she can't "fix" him... there is still something keeping her from a decision that would let her break this repeating cycle of hurt & disappointment & feeling abandoned. And move on.

'Coz face it - she's TOLD me this is what she feels, so why continue the agony until it grinds her down into questioning her own worth again?? This is what I don't get. Yes, breaking up will hurt all around. Perhaps she's associating that with some kind of failure? There was a mention of "gamesmanship" within relationships - that I immediately questioned. A relationship can't survive if the currency of it - is who's on top this week. It's a fancy euphemism for power struggle, IMO. And I've had enough experience with that to know it's not worth the energy and can kill the affection that exists between two people.

She'll leave it be for a few days while she thinks/feels/maybe makes some decision(s). Then she'll be back with another place on the spiral, in the cycle. She didn't take that long deciding he would move in; so I guess it's a bit of "the devil you know" and possibility of regret motivating her dragging her feet.

Lordy, all I want to do is focus on my OWN relationship and clarifying just what it is going to be. I really didn't envision Buck & I parenting at this depth. Don't wanna do it either.

sKePTiKal:
Monday morning check-in...

Buck arrives tomorrow late; assuming no delays on the road. Hol's been keeping to the hut; doing some more work there - still moving out/moving in. I have a couple things yet to do that are of importance to me... and while he keeps asking about the "to-do" list... I'm keeping mum.

I feel like we have to talk. He's indicated he has some things to say too. Nothing "bad"... but I'm feeling confused, I think I know why - but I'll only know for sure when he's right here. I've already started my "preamble" to that conversation. This time, we won't have the kids in/out so much... or needing attention (I hope) or fed or in the kitchen or upstairs or whatever. I'm excited to see him again; but I'm also holding back my feelings because I'm afraid of being disappointed again.

Business stuff on my plate too. And I'm going to be winging it all week in different hats - so I don't know that I'll come to any conclusions of any import until B leaves again... and it still might take me awhile. Therefore, I probably won't update y'all that much this time, until I feel like I have something concrete and clear to communicate. Or I go over the edge about something... LOL. As confused as I feel... who knows? But at least I feel comfortable flying by the seat of my pants now... and I'm not rehersing anything ahead of time.

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