Rereading all this...
first description of the visit/occurances... is me just beginning to "think" about things. Telling the "what" was said/happened... all the various thoughts (which are not the same as actual decisions which are also a long way from action)... and trying to find ways to describe the feelings. There was no time to think when he was here; too busy "being" and "doing". There was plenty of time to talk, which I pretty much required, but didn't demand.
In the wide open space of solitude, one thinks all kinds of thoughts. Like what would I be doing if I were single, 25, looked like that again... etc silly day dreams - but FUN day dreams. So yes, I have thought about parenting again, and there is a special feeling when a partner will at least entertain the idea. It's not something I've experienced before. It's like an additional connection between us... a node of compatibility maybe.
Ex #1 tolerated my first pregnancy; didn't want me to go through with the second (Hol). Ex #2 was completely uninterested in being a parent - with 4 kids around. He tried, but only achieved part of the role of a father. Michael only had adult kids to interact with so it wasn't exactly "parenting" - except with his adopted D. So, when B brought up the idea, after me being stunned...
what's left in feelings is that he finds me worthy of the maternal role; he respects in me that innate characteristic. Because his former relationships didn't provide that perhaps?. And maybe that explains better what I mean about an extra connection; extra dimension to the emotions between us. That was the LAST thing I expected him to bring up. So there would be a lot of talking/discussion before any decision would be made - and it's not a requirement for him. In fact I almost expect him to be kind of relieved at not having that role forced on him - once we have a chance to revisit it. I'm pretty sure curiosity about my feelings on the topic doesn't equal ONLY something he actually WANTS to do; so this is just where I'm thinking all the thoughts about what see, hear, sense, intuit, and can piece together about the topic. And yes, I'm wild & crazy ENOUGH to at least consider why it would/wouldn't be a good idea in reality. And my feelings? Yes.... those too. (Most of our conversations are about lots more pragmatic/practical things.)
A LOT of what we talked about this trip will be revisited more than once.
Words are so damned inadequate (for me) for describing feelings. And I don't have Hops' knack for poetry which can get a lot closer; more accurately. I think in terms of processes, systems, interactions of words, gears, chronologies... which are all linear. Emotions are more like water, which can spread in all directions at once.
Yes, I'm pretty bowled over by how intense this emotional connection with B is. But my logical, practical brain hasn't stopped working leaving me a mere puppet with no autonomy. And I'm not expected to be either. In fact, that equality between us just intensifies the feelings. I don't NEED him financially, for emotional security, for anything really. And he doesn't NEED me either for all those things that indeed, truly matter, when people are younger.
What we're finding, I think, is the freedom of being together and loving and respecting each other without all those pressures added into the mix. It can be confusing and scary; it doesn't fit the programmed & conditioned patterns we grow up with. So the traditional "structural framework" of relationships to be X, Y, and Z is just irrelevant. Our roles aren't as rigidly/clearly defined out of necessity... we can take turns, there are things that individually one of us is better at - but the other CAN do almost as well. And we can enjoy the hell out taking turns and being who we are - without also having to fit into any pre-defined patterns or molds.
There is a strong healing aspect for both of us, in this. But that's still out in fuzzy feeling territory; potentially very hopeful and not actualized fully yet. He is aware of that; acknowledges it too. I fully expect we'll butt heads on some things; it's pretty much a given since we're both strong independent (read: hard-headed stubborn) cusses. But it hasn't happened yet and I'm not walking around waiting for that to happen, expecting it or testing it.
I never expected that we would "get" each other - the inner workings of each other - like we do. But it's a real thing and it's amazing. I feel different; like a weight is off my shoulders almost. It's a huge thing and my theory is there's probably a lot of moving parts to it. Yeah, it's taken time. We've sorted through a few verbal misunderstandings. Comparatively easily. This is an adventure I never really saw coming.
