Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
lighter:
What Hops said.
Really happy for you, Amber.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Things are as good as a person could imagine out here on the farm. Except Buck's not here and we're back to our normal distance communication routines again.
I'm fighting a cold, allergies and/or sinus crap due to the cold/windy weather we had - and now this gorgeous weather due to a high pressure system that's been parked over us. It's not horrible, but the first day of it I did just allow myself to lounge all day in my jammies in bed. Hot medicinal tea, and all the yummy food I could scrounge to shove in my face. Including the last quart of homemade chicken noodle soup I had in the freezer.
The weather - while lovely - seems weird, since a week ago when Buck was here, we had a fire going in the stove at night. Stinker is going through a growth spurt and poor Freddy has lost his patience with the little terror.
New gate is up for the driveway; he'd forgotten to make a way to latch it... found 2 horseshoes in his truck and welded those on. I like it! It's a real nice touch. Now I need some signage to orient people to the new address.
Hol has been working on the hut; painting her flights of fancy in color... dealing with 3 other kittens (one has found a home). She is kinda thinking about what her options are for employment since it appears there won't be any long enough stretches of work in production for another year yet. The job is physically/mentally taxing and she took note of all the people she worked with who were dealing with broken bodies at 50. So this "respite" at the farm to regroup has turned into a mid-life course correction.
She helped me finally hang my stained glass wolf way up high over the front door in a window and Buck's Red Deer skull & antlers he took in Scotland.
It's the time of year to deal with both my jeeps for winter; and get ready for snow season - if it ever comes. Buck filled my kindling rack when he was here... So except for cleaning up that patio there isn't much to do. I looked at the push mower Hol said was making a weird noise... and the oil is really low. I hope that's all it is. All the gas tanks on equipment need treatment for the winter; and stowed away; tires inflated, etc.
And I'm wracking my brain trying to choose presents for people for the holidays already.
lighter:
I just picked up the Yukon ,break work, and my water pump sprung a leak as I drove into my driveway. Had to have it towed right back to the mechanics.
Your maintenance seems to be going more smoothly, Amber.
I my list live reading about your full wood rack, and hanging beloved things that bring you joy.
Question....how are you feeling about separation from B now?
Is it easier now you have a set timeline?
You seem really relaxed in this last post to me, Amber.
I'm glad Hol seems to be focused on herself, and not S. I hope that's true.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I still don't like the separation. I know he has to have time to tie up his years there and make sure his D is settled. It's different this time - because we have had time to talk; openly and without reservation - or fear. Lingering questions have been answered - removing my over-active imaginations tendency to doubt.
And we spoke our truth about wanting to be together. It's simple and unadorned. He had the same kinds of fears I did; the same doubts. That this was just too good to be true; we were waiting for something that just doesn't exist to show up and blow the specialness of the connection to smithereens. We've both been burned that way in the past. And neither of us is willing to sacrifice our self-reliance or independence again BUT WE STILL WANT THIS CONNECTION, so we're having to invent our own way forward. No programmed conditioned "roles"... except what each is good at. Wants to assume responsibility for. And that also takes time.
The mutual respect - for the things we've been through, how we perservered, and who we are as a result of all that - is brand new for both of us. The more mundane reasons people "need" another within relationship don't exist for us. Security, a co-parent, even companionship... just don't figure here. For me, it's who he is all at once - the many many things. For him, it's similar - but he's blown away by me being able to express affection for him. (And the story that explains the reason why is heartbreaking to me. I know how that feels.) Yet he's not stuck in that. He's funny; insightful; creative; and sweet & kinder than almost anyone I've known previously. And I don't know exactly how I knew it was within him... but he's able to show it easily these days.
Sometimes you get lucky; and sometimes you hit the lottery.
We stay in contact all day long; unless one of us is working... and even when we are there is a maintenance "ping" that doesn't need an immediate response... just hi, what are you doin? In the mornings, and evenings, communication picks up. And now that the anxieties we had have been brought out into the open, they've dissipated. So we're both kinda resting in just being this connected. Example:
I was grocery shopping; picking out canned food for Stinker. He texted to remind me that Freddy likes the soft treats. And he is as mystified as me, how he knew I was in the cat food aisle right at that moment. LOL. There are LOTS of things like that. Hol & I kinda have that level of connection; but I've not known a man that had that much intuition/sight before. Maybe it's a function of the connection; I dunno.
But we seem to be able to give each other what we need on the emotional level (another first for me) and so I let myself half-believe that we were brought together just for that reason. He's not comfortable with very many people... yet we were instantly comfortable with each other. Too many people have tried to take advantage of his inherent kindness.
The timeline remains flexible. Too many things we can't control. But he'll be as frustrated as I will be if that happens. And he's worth the wait. ;)
lighter:
What an amazing unfolding, Amber.
Don't forget to dance on this comfortable, happy glow.
Lighter
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