Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
He's contagious if he bleeds - AND the person trying to tend him isn't gloved AND has some kind of cut or scrape. Bloodstream to bloodstream, in other words. Just getting his blood on intact skin, isn't a sure contamination. (I been doing my homework.) But even a hangnail could be considered an opening in skin.

Most of his complication derives from the fact that he's deathly allergic to the best antibiotic for clearing his infection. Lets say I did "catch" his infection. As far as I know, I can take vancomyacin without any side effects. (I'm not terribly worried about this anyway; he's so concerned that he could infect someone else - well, that's why he's OCD about it.)

He shouldn't have any issues at training, being in full diving gear - and he won't be actually diving. The training happens in a special pressure/compression chamber. Think astronauts training for weightlessness - only this simulates the pressure of being deep in the water. He can't say what he'll be teaching; and I know better than to ask.

sKePTiKal:
Sigh - February's mantra is: NO REST FOR THE WEARY. LOL.

I was ready to go to bed last night at 7:30. But even as tired as I was (because I stayed up late the night before trying to carve out some "me time") I ended up around the pub table in the studio. Steve left for work that evening, John took off for the gym and R&R in town... so it was just Hol & me. We haven't had that luxury for awhile.

We had a really GOOD talk. First one in awhile. She's identifying signs of being pregnant again - but clearly isn't letting herself even think about it as "real" yet; because the issue has been staying pregnant. She consults with the OB-GYN next Tues. She is working through some things with Steve; with her friend John; with me - and with herself. All while managing all this OTHER stuff - LOL.

I'm feeling a lot better; more solid and confident and HOPEFUL about things coming together and going forward together here. But I'm also having a hard time with the activity level going on around me -- even when I'm not involved and don't have to devote any brain space to it. So I took advantage of a late night with no one around... just to "put it all down and do something kinda fun"... and now I don't have the luxury of resting back up again. I've got to keep moving, get this & that done - so we're not behind an 8 ball and waiting because I didn't hold up my end of things. Trying to get past the worst of the "disruption" and parade of vehicles & people around here by May. And ALSO get all my garden prep underway - which requires some shopping. LOL.

Nurseries aren't open here yet - I haven't been able to get into town over the mountain to pick up seed starting soil. But I have seeds; I have mushroom compost... still need pots & trays. There's some stuff I can start now, because they take so long to germinate. Mostly herbs; the woody stemmed varieties.

I think part of what is causing mental sensory overwhelm, is coz Hol has to tell me all the details of every single decision she's making/made on the Hut, while I'm making decisions on my projects... and then another person will chime in... or Buck will text with a question... LOL. It just like working again. 'Cept it's working for US, and what we will have at completion won't need any "attention" at this intensity for a long long time.

That said, I'm really glad the contractors only work 4 days a week. LOL.

sKePTiKal:
So, Buck trimmed his beard last night. It had gotten VERY long; ZZ Top long. And he's gone from teddy-bear cute (but also looking kinda homeless) to tall, dark, handsome & somewhat mysterious... (I think he has to get used to seeing the shorter look too.) Kinda reminds me of Sean Connery in the Raiders of the Lost Ark movie... or Harrison Ford, I think it was... in Red October. Phones being what they are these days, I have before/after pics.

Farm projects are moving along pretty good; tomorrow is Hol's court date and then I need to step in as project manager on the Hut for however long she gets sentenced. (Fingers crossed.)

She isn't pregnant; OB has prescribed a simple med that will encourage egg production since she's older; and the chances of a natural pregnancy with healthy egg goes up too. It's also the least problematic solution with the life situation she's faced with for the next couple months. Today is all about keeping Hol from overthinking tomorrow's DUI sentencing.

All the stuff for my bathroom makeover is ordered; now we wait - and those carpenters are working on the Hut anyway. Plumbers, electricians, and a guy making a custom concrete soaking tub for 2 - who has already butted heads with the Gen Contractor. Hol just looked at the foreman and mouthed: I'm outta here... LOL. She's learning. Danny can be just as protective of her as Buck can be of me. I think Danny wants to hire her after this house/pilot movie production is done. I don't think she'd work for him. LOL.

Both of the carpenters working on my bathroom, worked on the window/door replacement for me a couple years ago. One guy chatters incessantly and the other quietly goes about his job, until he needs direction. That's Mike; I was telling Mike about Buck - the reason for the bathroom timeline getting moved up... and the next call I got from the Gen Contractor, he was razzing me about "falling in love again". I could almost see him grinning over the phone. LOL. I've heard all kinds of terrible things about him being difficult to work with - and yeah, I've butted heads with him too. But I understand this kind of "old school" guy mentality... and know the difference from when it's well-intentioned and when it's not. I told him it was true that guys gossip more than women. LOL.

sKePTiKal:
So, going to court, with Hol... since she can't legally drive in that state... the second time, gave me a chance to watch my reaction. It was a lot more intense than Hol's.

Things I noticed coming up:

powerlessness
voicelessness
shame
absolute terror

Now, given I've never fallen afoul of the laws or remember any court time, except for my divorces and some jury duty... and Hol's first DUI, never even been in a court room... I'm real curious about the reaction, because it seemed as if it were triggered trauma memories. As if I'd lived some horrific experience before.

That my conscious mind doesn't remember - but my emotional/body mind still has memories of.

We all kind of breathed a sigh of relief and have quieted down, rested from the anxiety of uncertainty, and separated into our own spaces. John cooked yesterday. Not sure what Steve is doing... but Hol is adamant that he will be the one picking her up from jail in 10 days - or else. Because he hasn't been there for her in any of this process. And it's kinda hard to ignore that John drove all the way here from Portland, OR to support her, be with her, without holding any romantic (so he claims) expectations. I think he IS trying to set an example for her - of what she should expect in the way of reciprocity from her SOs, however.

Small panic attack, Thursday. A phone call; number I didn't recognize - was the company I'd ordered the bath vanity from. Their supplier is backordered on sink tops until MAY - unless I wanted a vessel sink. (I don't like these.) He tried to talk me into a longer vanity, too... but given the bathroom is only 50 inches wide, wall to wall, I NEEDED the 48" wide one. I retreated to vacated studio space... and started looking online. Found what I wanted locally. It'll be here next week. Guess my tile will get picked up next Friday.

There is a whole list of things I need to step in, temporarily, and be in charge of on the Hut too. And try to get my taxes pulled together and shipped off to CPA.

Hol gets out of jail the 3rd; and I guess I need to ask her if she's backing out of this job to shoot the pilot or not; Friend Debbie is coming for the weekend the 5th - and the house is a disaster. Buck will be here after that.

It's mud season. And so far, everyone but Hol & John remember to take their boots off before traipsing through the house. SHE should remember it's one of the house rules. Irritates me no end and she doesn't clean up after the dogs when they shake mud off either.

Even Buck's gone quiet - his D spent the weekend with his ex (or so she says; she had previously planned to go to Myrtle Beach with a problematic group of HS friends; and he's not sure if she's pulling a fast one or not). But it's not lost on him, that in 5 months, she'll be gone and he won't know what she's up to on a daily basis. I guess even Dads go through empty nest syndrome. LOL. I've been giving him his space and vice versa. We both have a lot of stuff in our heads to deal with right now.

Hopalong:
Whew, glad that's behind you, Amber.

Luckily, you don't need to be vigilant about or involved in or analyzing or talking to John about whether:

Hol's partner stuff: whether she asserts herself and gives Steve an ultimatum/clear consequences or not.

Hol's friend stuff: whether John asserts himself and manages his own expectations or not.

You are freeeeeeeee, to enjoy your own beautiful new bathroom and beautiful new man.

Gotta run, lugging gallons of tea and juice and cider to homeless kitchen. Due...aaackk!

Later,
Hops

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