Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Doin's - 2020
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---3 early mornings this week, no downtime... move move move.
--- End quote ---
Maybe "downtime" is uptime.
The chance to float, to rest, to let yourself lift on the currents of what YOUR life force wants you to do. Nobody's else's.
Comfort here for you. Any time.
Big hugs, chamomile, quiet, stillness and peace--
Hops
sKePTiKal:
4th early morning; only open time orthopedic vet could see Stinker yet this week is 10 this morning. One, maybe two days of sleep schedule adjustment I can handle - not this many. My whole being rebels.
Didn't help that Hol kept picking at me - to the point of implying that I was selfish - for not running myself into the ground to try to help the poor little kitten that can't help himself. Great teaching moment, though - I think she heard me, when I said if I don't take care of myself FIRST I can't take care of kitten... and being badgered about it, was counterproductive. The words that came out of my mouth weren't so tactful. Told her to back off; she wasn't helping me get past feeling overwhelmed by constantly pushing me to do - in that very moment - the opposite of what I needed to do. And barely taking a breath before she presented yet another reason or option or personal opinion about me simply not being ABLE to step up and do exactly what she would do - and suffer no ill effects. She goes non-stop when she's "on a mission".
Last night's sleep was better. Going over the mountain this morning was NOT on my agenda and I'm missing all the decent weather to take care of some things that need doing here - not to mention the baking. But Stinker has been super-cuddly; I think the medicine is helping. But the virus protocols bother me; I don't like not being in the exam room with him - because I see things the Doc doesn't see about kitty's reactions.
This is mostly about having my schedule - and my sense of autonomy - completely blown to hell, as I'm at the mercy of the vet's schedules. Just like Mike's dr. appts... plus covid protocols... plus being in the mindset to accomplish OTHER kinds of things... plus missing B... plus just the dumb holiday pressure crap -- which yet again, is so completely disupted from "normal" it just doesn't feel anything close to "right".
Shopping this year, has been all online - and I'm fighting items being backordered; and not finding out until after I've checked out... and shipping mixups - not just with my change of address, but the mail in general. Everyone I know is purging their home... so what to buy that isn't going to be just taking up more space?? Yes, I got creative... to get around that. I still haven't cut any greens yet.
Both jeeps needed minor work & inspections this month... and Hol is transferring her old jeep to me to register as a farm use vehicle - and that's waiting till next week. Then there's the financial stuff, business, etc. Most importantly - I get into "fight mode" when other people attempt to impose what they believe my priorities, and therefore my schedule should be. Mind yer own damn business, and I'll mind mine.
So, exhaustion. Thankfully - it doesn't seem like anyone feels the need to travel & get together this year. That would send me right over the edge; B already has his hands full trying to keep me grounded - even though he's just as busy. He's tolerant of my long silences - because I've been in the car so much and I just can't talk/text and drive at the same time. For some reason it's easier if someone is sitting next to me, but the technology crap shuts down my driving response. So I just don't do it in the car.
And to top it off - she was trying to tell me her way of overcoming my feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with "too much at once"...... LOLOLOLOLOLOL..... as if ANYONE could do the same to her and she wouldn't just throw something and walk away. I don't need anyone to manage my feelings, thank ye just the same. I just need the time/space to do it myself. Jeezeeeee Louise.
I think she's bored. But she rejected my offers to come with me on some of these excursions. She has to stop 3-4 places and take her time looking at things while I just go get what I want and get home again. And that's just perfectly FINE... we be different. And she's free to do as she likes; I only want the same.
:P
sKePTiKal:
I just sent this to Hol; she identifies strongly with being an empath. But as described above - she dives across the co-dependent line (just as I do) a little more than she should. Puts on the super-hero cape, ya know? It's very helpful to hear the descriptions of both compared, explained, and what the healthier options are.
It's just very very clear, heard this way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_gW-u3CB8I
Hopalong:
Fantasy script:
A feels overwhelmed with too much to do. Shares that with H.
H has choices
1) Mom, you're incompetent and clearly ready for a nursing home.
2) I've got time, how about letting me take Stinker in for his checkup?
Is Hol able to drive? If so, be nice if you were able to delegate something like a vet visit. Surely she's competent to bring you a clear summary.
I'm trying to figure out if maybe an Amber-has-to-do-everything-herself mood is in play? Or if it's that there are other reasons it doesn't feel right to delegate a Stinker vet visit to anyone else.
I'm also figuring out that the interpersonal tensions are way more complex and nuanced than I'm getting, which makes sense. So guessing it might also be intrapersonal is just that, a guess. Feel free to toss my thoughts or tell me to stop over-interpreting That Which I Do Not Completely Understand!
I'm just really sorry you're feeling this way, Amber. I hope soon the stress will reduce and you can relax. All the ordering and worrying about this equipment or that tool, etc. sounds really tiring to me too. Toss in holidays and a pandemic....
Big hugs, more chamomile, more opting out of That Which is Not Essential....
Hops
lighter:
I watched twice, Amber. Great message. Thanks for posting it.
Lighter
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