Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Farm Doin's - 2020

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Twoapenny:
I hope Hol emerges relatively unscathed from her time away, Skep.  I think that feeling powerless as a mum is very powerful and can bring up all sorts of reactions linked to past events.  I'd imagine sitting in court and knowing there's nothing you can do might evoke that.  I'm glad at least it's done and hopefully things will settle better once she's home again.

I am laughing at Buck's beard and about the stories I hear about people offering to buy food and drink for people they think are homeless, but who are actually just a bit hairy :)  Lol, there was one here recently about a lovely lady who stepped in to pay for a man's food because she thought he was homeless - he was actually a very hungover builder who'd stopped for emergency junk food on the way to work.  All his mates were in the van laughing themselves silly :)  I like stories like that xx

sKePTiKal:
I'm kinda feeling like there is a big storm approaching on my horizon. From some direction. that hasn't made itself known just yet.

Up way before the dawn, because this is visiting day; about halfway through Hol's sentence... and John and I are going to visit. Once again, the BF "conveniently" has work scheduled so as to not be there for her. He has consistently let her down throughout this whole self-created ordeal of hers... and why was she drinking that night to blow off steam? Frustration about BF.

She is seriously co-dependent here; and ENABLING him to take advantage of her.

Now, going to go read more on CB's thoughts. (Good timing for that thread.)

Hopalong:
((((((((Amber)))))).

I can't imagine what it's like to deal with a kid who's locked up; to visit and feel the shock of the environment, her loss of freedom. How is she taking it? Are the conditions okay?

I can imagine how stressful it is to see her making poor choices, whether with alcohol or BF, and not want desperately to undo them. That one, I know too well.

I hope her time back at work and away from the mountain brings a change that is good for you both--and mostly, for you and the chance to build your relationship with Buck.

But I am concerned he won't be able to be your Outlander man now, with just scruff. The show just popped up on HULU and I'm wondering if I dare get hooked?

When does Buck arrive? I hope it is just a wonderful, deepening, happy and peaceful time together. You two have gone through a LOT to get together.

big hugs,
Hops

lighter:
Amber:

Maybe something is brewing.  Trust your instinct, but beware old patterns.  Sometimes the other shoe isn't going to fall, though we're expecting it to.

Hopefully Hol has what she needs.... and if she doesn't...it's only 10 days of institutionally inflicted lack of sleep/privacy/nutritional food.

She'll likely be living in her amygdala when she gets out.  I hope she finds a way to calm her nervous system so it doesn't get stuck and more difficult to shift.

And when is Master Buck scheduled to arrive?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Actually, a lot of the pinched stress lines in her face are gone. Because she has nothing to do but think about what has transpired up till now - AND the examples he is showing her, about who he is - for her. And who he's NOT.

I find myself infuriated FOR her; on her behalf a lot. I'm gonna stop that. She's the one that needs to be angry; not me. I am frustrated by her continually excusing the behavior based on extremely limited information from him. He is simply NOT THERE for her and I woulda thrown this one back some time ago.

She is also way too passive about all this - and yet it still erupts in projection onto others; primarily John & me... because we're "safe". We ain't goin' anywhere; won't abandon her. But I think we're not going to put up with that anymore.

So: as far as what I "can do"; is simply encourage her to seek therapy - in a couple of weeks. (She already turned down the job; because BF "needs her". I can point out when she's engaging in "needing to be needed" and enabling the behavior that's a problem. I can encourage to actively pursue her own friends and life activities.

He is not going to change; it's too easy for him - with all the enabling and her caretaking and "gatekeeping" anyone else from confronting him. Until she deals with it.

Buck is getting jerked around by the hospital again. And he simply will NOT expose me to his infection. I asked him point blank if this would interrupt or delay our plans. And he disappointed me. By trying to keep me safe from what he's dealing with. SIGH. But, he will be here as soon as he can.

Amber is kinda going to a whole new place. She probably won't be described as "nice" by too many people. LOL. Fortunately, Buck respects that. He told me this week (while I was trying to settle an oncoming panic attack) that I was stronger than anyone he's met before. That wasn't military. LOL....  it helped, in a strange way, coz I realized the panic was because I was trying to take care of everyone else around me - and not taking care of myself. Desperately needing someone to focus on ME, you know? But I can do that.

I think I understand the origin of Hol's codependence. But my lips are sealed for now - unless she brings it up and asks. I think she & I have talked about it previously. But she needs a good, compatible T, to walk her into a new path. I'm not sure what worked for me - will help her. And I don't know what else to suggest. We have some important differences, despite the things we have in common. All that has to wait till she regains her feet and finds out what ELSE might be a consequence of this DUI. John has committed to staying a few days after she's back - but then - he's making other plans so she has more space to step into her life and start working it. He and I have talked about that, and I think it's for the best - for everyone, including him.

It has been a tremendous help to have another mind around here to bounce things off of - for ME. John's been very helpful in many ways. Yeah, there were some boundary issues - and we could talk about them and sort them out comfortably. That's a breath of fresh air around here. And helped me out of the confusing clouds of phog and gaslighting... and find my own place to stand, and step up from.

Wasn't what he had in mind - but it's still helping. LOL. I'll be trying to help him along on his way to the next phase, out of gratitude. (He has had a good effect on Hol, too - but that was an ugly confrontation that I wasn't involved in.)

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