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Farm Doin's - 2020

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sKePTiKal:
Buck absolutely knows I want "just us" time - because between my zoo here and his Ds - we're like "instant Brady Bunch". Being family oriented, I suppose it's natural - but I'm really most interested in the dynamics between the two of us... by ourselves. There have been hints, clues, teases on both sides... and I understand he's shy, self-deprecating... kind of for the same reasons I can be that way sometimes too. Out here - it is possible, even under stay at home orders - for us find a place to go and just be us for awhile.

I know I can ask for privacy for a specific amount of time from everyone here, too. And we're not going to need total seclusion... just time by ourselves, to ourselves. There's plenty of hiking, fishing, places to go and see... and the kids already spend a day every so often hiking.

I've been reading that colleges are a bit panic'd about whether they'll even be able to open next fall - that will definitely change his D's plans if her school is one of those. Buck's appts are in limbo, due to the virus. His shop is closed. The D in London - he found out through back channels is NOT on a ventilator; she is in guarded condition because of the meds she takes for Lupus. There should be another update this afternoon -- he's told me more about the "back story" with her too. It's been 8 days since he first spoke with her. The Navy thing is still on, for this summer. He will want to sell his house and end all connections in his state before coming here. And so far, not even the virus has thrown up anything major in the way of obstacles.

So, I'm just waiting for him to tell me when. He knows if finances are an issue I'll help. But I also know he's sensitive about that - so following his lead there.

Hopalong:
Asking vaguely....how far away is Buck?
NO chance of him coming for a week's visit, or does the house sale etc. have to happen even before that can take place? (Much less all the medical stabilizing, I know.)

Just so would love to hear that you and he are at last cozied up (ahem--it's YOUR house so you guys should have it all to yourselves for your first week or so, imn-ho...)

Damn, you're patient. I'm so eager for you two to find the path open.
I hope you don't have to wait until fall. But I grok that if you have to, you'll manage it.

Big hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, until the Holly Hut is completed, to a functional point - she & Steve ARE in the house. Along with both dogs. Absolutely nothing to be done about that right now. Work is definitely progressing there and hopefully, she'll make a decision on flooring so it shouldn't be MUCH longer.

Buck is probably a 12-14 hr drive away - unless he brings the bike. He promised a week; but then that fell through. He is still talking about this... and WANTS to make it happen. So, fingers crossed, between us we can figure something out. "Soon".... LOL. I'm starting to hate that word.

Both of his ex's have done some serious injury to him. I didn't exactly get off scot-free in my relationships either. So in one way - this long-distance relationship has been perfect, in it's pacing and nurturing of an emotional and mental space that is "us". I think it's been there a lot longer than a year - back to when I was nursing Mike. So, we started as friends... and that's always a good starting point, IMO. I'm not really into the "Prince Charming" myth. If I can't have a deep, totally honest and trustful connection with someone... all the charm & suave in the world won't make it work.

We both want companionship; mirroring - of that deep friendship kind; and a true, equal "partner". Someone who has our back, can work well side by side, to pull together in the same yoke - not in different directions. He wants the woods & peace and quiet... but knows we can't be all things to each other. We both worked through accepting we might be alone all the way to the end of our lives. And when the incendiary spark went off between us, it surprised both of us.

It could just be a "question mark" inquiry of each other based on a long-denied need on each of our parts that we recognize in the other. That happens. And it's why I've insisted on "no strings, no harm no foul" terms so we can REMAIN friends, without regrets. Leaves us both with agency; equally. I ain't gonna do all the work in a relationship again. And he's tired of betrayals and wants to maintain his personal independence; his own space. And while we can each be just fine on our own... there's no denying life is more pleasant and our capabilities exponentially increase being together.

I appreciate his story and what/how he chose to move through it. I've always admired that kind of male energy. But he is also able to be open about the emotional side of things. He knows what I've been through too; how much I loved Mike - despite his idiosyncrasies that drove me crazy. He knows I didn't run - or even tried to compensate for how much I was giving, by trying to "get back" somewhere else. This is the kind of level of knowing each other, that couples don't hit for a few years, in most cases. That's why I kid him about we're doing it all backwards. LOL.

I think what I'm most impressed with, tho is his understanding and practice of maintaining boundaries. I might learn more about this from him. And for an old man, he is dang fit and HOT... even with the ongoing health issues. (you guys seem to have this idea sometimes, he's an invalid... and perhaps that's due to my description of his issues; they have been serious and acute... but even during hospital stays, his strength of personality & will power him through any pain/weakness in his body) LOLOL, I find have to "protect" his reputation by not letting on how funny, erudite, and absolutely sweet he is... coz he's such a "guy's guy".

I mean, it was 20 years ago he was blown up; told he wasn't going to walk again, after the corpsman said he wasn't dying on the chopper... and for 20 years he''s done more, better, than guys younger than him. Including walking.

:insert googly-eyed drooling old lady:

Guys like that never looked twice at me. I'm not going to miss a chance to slide into home plate with this one. But he already knows I'm not gonna become something I'm not, to "keep him". Just the way it has to be.  And he expects the same back.

Hopalong:
That is such a beautiful, elegant portrait of both the man you love and the way you are loving each other, Amber. What a drink of water to read. Lovely.

When you say he wants space/place of his own (I'm getting all bourgeois here), does that mean you and B have no interest in living together at some point? Or does it mean a separate building project on the mountain so B has a man cave?

You might not know the answer yet. And it might be a rather premature question.

You just seem to glow when you talk about the essence of Buck. Like just being in relationship with him, however parallel and independent, is giving you renewed life force.

It sure sounds like he's worth the wait. I hope his "needing space" doesn't reflect problems making commitments. I hope he will commit to you fully and there won't be obstacle after obstacle.

One big thing is when two older lovers are each financially independent and secure, if not financially equally well off. It would make it a lot easier to maintain autonomy and feed healthy interdependence.

I so hope you get a chance to fulfill this dream.

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops. Maybe it will brighten someone's day today - seems like a lot more of that is needed right now.

By "space" I mean more autonomy, than physical space. But we ARE talking about another shop specifically for metal work. He'll end up teaching Hol a few things there - since she welds already. My guy is used to being deployed for a year or more at a time. Often not able to say WHERE he is, as a consequence. And while he's hoping to retire once and for all from that - he's been on his own for 20 years. I would be NUTZ to expect the same kind of constant contact Mike seemed to want/need - when I was asking him to please give me "space" because I just felt "hampered, stifled, just want to go-do on my own..." So I can appreciated B is going to be more oriented that way too. I call it "divide & conquer" tactics - we'll get more done that way that if we're both working together. At least sometimes. It's a flexible fluid thing.

No way, no how he has commitment issues. Of that I'm sure.

There are income differences - but he's remarkably self-sufficient and multi-talented. I'm not so dependent that I can't let him do what he needs to do for himself. Probably more independent than what he may know from the past, actually. But that doesn't mean I don't know the meaning of loyalty & commitment. It's born of respect for him and love for what we're like together. I rather suspect I'm gonna get my socks knocked off by how much fun this is gonna be. LOL.

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