Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

So, it seems like this is the year for second chances to "get it right" - whatever that is. That definition seems to be more of a moving target for me these days and that's just FINE. Really. I think I'm finally convinced that there simply isn't any one absolute "right state of being" for all times & places that endures for more than a NY moment.

Been using this past week to change some things up. Just enough that I can start to "see" from a different place. Buck has contributed to that too. He's had some Rambo moments lately; there is only so long you can treat a human being as an "asset", "resource", or property - and disposable - before that last boundary has been transgressed and in his terminology, one has to become "assertive". So, he got some things straightened out; got some straight answers that have gone a long way to explain (but not excuse) the medical nightmare he's been through the last 2 years. 7 major surgeries in 2 years, taking things out, putting them back - without ever completing the cycle.

I have to be a bit vague here, because this is leading up to him reporting for active duty again. Uh-huh. It seems he's one of the last alive with the knowledge needed to pass on to a new group of divers, so he'll be training for 3 weeks stateside. As soon as, that is, the recommended 6 weeks of antibiotics is done and he tests clear for the infection and he heals up enough from the last surgery to be able to enter a compression chamber. So someone pretty high up started pulling strings to be able to get him qualified for that training. Sigh. Yes, that's how this works.

Now, since it also contributes to getting him fully functional and healthy again I can't complain. I'll take my number and get in line. He's worth it. As he recovers, he's getting super sweet and romantic - and we're planning together. There is going to be a fair amount of unusual fun activities involved, not just being homebodies and living daily life. We seem to be catalyzing dormant aspects of each other and there is a depth, and breadth, to him that tweaks my curiosity and playful side. I seem to be opening his eyes to parts of himself he stuffed and swallowed, to be able to keep on going day after day. So we're both kind of dancing into the unknown, knowing each other to a depth that perhaps we wouldn't in the usual dating scenarios because we can talk, be emotionally vulnerable, and be there for each other with the usual life situations & struggles. Mr. Rambo really just wants to be allowed to be a big teddy bear and not be used and abused because he trusted someone. So, there's a need for absolute honesty between us. Lots of maybes, I don't know yet, or we'll figure it out together.

Now, the Hol story. The Hut is under roof. I can walk around inside and see just how efficient she was with space planning - but it's still going to feel small. Fortunately she'll have multiple outdoor spaces and the first floor. So far, they've worked fast and well. There was only one minor oops pouring the forms for the 2nd, main floor and except for some concrete on the ground, I can't see where it's going to cause any problems.

She is staying positive through the miscarriages. But there is a total lack of engagement/participation in the life of the farm from her sweetie. Like paying expenses, getting with the chore program - even directly asked, or contributing anything of value here. And he hasn't even gone to work in one of the busiest times of year in his career. Then, he simply drops trash wherever he is; or dishes and never cleans up after himself.

Sooner or later, she's going to realize she's already raising one child. And he's one that won't make eye contact or even speak directly to anyone BUT Hol... and he's pulling her into his orbit to the exclusion of her friends, me, etc. Buck and I have discussed this extensively.  He is minding his boundary well, while being supportive of where I seem to be going as a way to deal with this. I will grant that he is feeding some emotional need she has right now. So confrontation isn't even on my list of choices about dealing with this. I will not support him to be a snuggly lump of non-communicative and self-absorbed comfort squeeze. Sorry. I have to draw a line at the old: you don't work, you don't eat demarcation. Hol cleans up after him, to mollify me, but oddly... won't acknowledge the problem or the extra work she's going to here. NOR, more importantly, how her other needs for social engagement are getting neglected because he might need her. "Codependence" is a fictitious concept to her. Her friend John and I have both tried to bring up the topic in general conversation. Denial is big right now.

I realize this is something that she has to do herself; make those decisions. And mom should mind her own business. But I see without doubt; that this is going to become another Bovie situation and end even more badly. So, I'm frustrated about not being able to point out the damned obvious and see what new excuse she makes for his behavior and treatment of the other people who are important to her. And ironically, she warned me to watch for red flags with Buck.... LOL.... as if that wasn't the first thing on my mind to address with him.

So, "doing" nothing right now, except waiting for an opportunity to discuss in non-personal terms the behaviors that are problematic and just let that sink in. She's smart enough to figure this out without being "told" this is what she is doing again. And also, spending a lot of time on me and my life. And she will go back to work this spring for a few months... so they won't even be here - either one of them. That might, all by itself, bring things into perspective for her.

Meanwhile........ the garden is already in planning stages. Seed inventory is done and I don't need much to get started. But I'll buy the basics fresh this year, to have extra in case something comes up that I don't get around to ordering next year. And I'm planning to teach Hol how to can. She's also never worked a garden so she doesn't know how much time/effort/work it takes, if you want more than a "sample sized" crop.

A full on metal shop is also being planned - for both Hol and Buck to work here. A garage for the Hut - so I don't have to share space with Steve in MY workshop. She'll vacate the studio with her sewing and quilts too. So I'm ready to do a bit of renovating here... remodeling the master suite to accommodate two of us... and eventually adding on to create a summer kitchen and extra work space in the office and replacing the roof. There aren't too many things on that list that have a deadline. And Buck needs to be involved too. And is already on some things.

We're still talking about timing for sneaking away to the beach. LOL.

[sKePTiKal]

Took Hol to OB-GYN appt yesterday.

The Nurse Practitioner was good. Images indicate that Hol passed all the tissue, so all she's doing right now is blood tests for hormone levels to make sure her body has completed the miscarriage cycle. In 6 weeks, they'll test again until she's close enough to zero pregnancy hormones to start talking about what her options are, going forward. Her appt then will be with the MD. Hol is worried about getting too old to have viable eggs. When it may not be her at all, that is the problem. It very well could be her partner given some of his habits.

And I had to interject at one point, that she could very well get pregnant again and carry to term next time because this kind of medical knowledge/practice (while it's an extensively complex specialty) isn't an exact science. None of us can know for sure.

That appt and our studio session - where we got her to acknowledge her feelings and fears in a safe non-judgemental space - has cracked open her withdrawal from everyone and everything. We respected her need for that kind of time. for awhile. But that's not her natural state and unfortunately, she wasn't getting the external input she needed there. So we got her moving back in that direction and she's coming up for air now.

[lighter]

Amber:

I have a couple observations here.  One.... it's difficult to stay in our lane when our kids are bringing their SO's into our spaces while not honoring us, IMO. 

Yesterday I asked youngest dd "what if" questions about her SO.  I didn't judge, or expect her to DO anything.  I just wanted her opinions, which she shared honestly with me.  She also said she was hoping the what ifs I posed weren't true, but knew they absolutely COULD be the truth.  This was comforting to me, and I think her to put it out there, and clear the air... come to an understanding, and bounce things off each other (while being super careful not to make her feel defensive about SO, to be sure.)

Second.... why does it have to feel like we're inviting conflict when we consider setting appropriate boundaries and requiring respectful treatment for ourselves IN OUR OWN SPACE?

I'm feeling more confident about asserting myself, requiring my boundaries be honored and not viewing these discussions as an invitation to conflict anymore.   

I don't believe we should view them as conflict.  I suspect other people have awareness around our aversions to conflict.  I suspect we're manipulated to some extent, bc we've trained people into that behavior ourselves. 

For me, this means I'm responsible for training them out of that behavior, sans drama.  I know I have to get my head straight first, set boundaries, then calmly and consistently enforce them without allowing them to draw me into conflict. 

I'm not sure what that would look like for you, Amber.  Requiring Hol's sweetie clean up after himself, pull his weight financially and interact with you is reasonable, IMO.  IF he stormed out, riled up Hol and acted like a victim.... that would be a combative reaction, IMO.  Hol would likely be very reactive, but that doesn't mean you'd have to react back.  It doesn't have to be a two-way conflict.

If Hol tries to escalate, you de-escalate while refusing to get drawn in, right?  You're very sorry she feels the way she does, but you require a, b and c... rinse and repeat.  Always go back to the issue, and don't allow Hol to engage you in negative conversations.  It's perfectly acceptable to refuse to communicate with anyone who's raising their voice, name calling, or changing the subject before one topic is finished, IME.

I'm just spitballing here, thinking it through.  Wondering why we have to put ourselves and our boundaries on backburners... at all. 

If we don't put ourselves first now... when?

AND..... if we do it, we model for our girls how to do it.

::nodding::.

It might be uncomfortable.  It might be new, and alien.  It might feel wrong at first, but it's right and good and will soon feel that way if we just begin, IME.

I found my girls and I get along better when I set boundaries..... they look shocked at first, then immediately fall into the new routine if I just stay level, and calmly expect them to honor the boundaries. 

Those boundaries help us communicate better... encourage respectful conduct from everyone, etc.  Attitudes are adjusted.  I just have to refuse to get sucked into the emotional drama the girls traditionally used to manipulate me into compliance.  That's more difficult when I'm sick, tired or struggling with overwhelming other stuff.

About Buck asserting himself.....

YES.  That man deserves better medical care, and it was his right to insist on it.  It feels nice to know you're in a relationship with such a patient man, Amber.

I hope Hol continues to heal from her loss. 

Feel free to dismiss anything that doesn't apply here: )

Lighter





 

[Hopalong]

Ahhh, Lighter.
A lot of this applies to me.
Thank you.

Ooodles of love to all,
Two-fingered typing from Costa Rica.

Cannot WAIT to get back mid-Jan to unfettered
Internet not controlled by howler monkeys with
A hotspot control fixation!

(They sound like large primeval dogs coming
Toward you one slow, menacing step at a time.
They are right behind the pool and I saw two
In the trees mere fèet away! Astonishing.)

More later, full a wine at the mo'

Xxxooo
hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad Buck is on the mend, Skep, but staggered that they are actually genuinely talking about making him do some more service.  My mind is boggling.  I did smile at the Rambo comment; I do love it when people kick arse  

I think you are right about there not being a permanent 'right' way of doing or being.  Life needs to be flexible, I think, or we spend more energy trying to make a square peg fit a round hole.  Right for now or good enough is perfectly okay, I think

I'm glad things are moving forward with the garden and the hut.  It all sounds like the work is progressing okay and things are going well.  I'm sorry Hol's sweetie isn't pulling his weight more.  Perhaps you can drop a hint that he might end up underneath the next concrete floor if he doesn't pull his finger out   Lol.  On a serious note, yes, I think adult children are in some ways more difficult than small children. I am struggling with knowing when to put my mum hat on with son and when to let him do his own thing, and working out which are his issues and which are mine.  It is difficult when you all live with or near each other.  But you are a wise one; it will work its way through, one way or another xx

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, interesting comments about boundaries and the heightened feeling of conflict and fear of emotional drama. And I believe this does apply in my case. I will chew on that awhile and see what else comes up.

But, her friend John is now insisting that I transgress Hol's boundaries in a HUGE way, and assert my ownership and control here and essentially destroy her relationship with this guy - for her own good. I flat out told him no and it isn't any of his business. I won't be triangulated.

I tried to explain to him, that sure - I could do that and destroy my relationship with her in the process. But it would be very much better if we simply gave her the space to decide for herself that the relationship isn't what she wants. She's 42. She isn't a child who doesn't have the ability to make her own choices - and suffer the consequences, if she chooses wrong. It's one thing to share the space here, and try to work out the process... but it's verboten in my value system to interfere with her relationship, EVEN (maybe ESPECIALLY) when I can see how it's not going to last or be a two-way relationship. He is very kind and sweet to her - even if he seems to expect to do nothing else. And that's what she is responding to. Is is genuine? Will he just up & leave when she starts expecting more participation from him? I don't know and it's not my outcome to fuss over or try to direct.

Man, things were a lot easier around here when I was a hermit. LOL.

[lighter]

Amber:

It's curious that John would feel he's entitled to give you marching orders regarding your relationship with Hol, and her sweetie.

I'm guessing his anxiety got the better of him, and he just went off. 

You seemed to handle it well.

Have you implemented any boundaries around your space and how you require it be kept?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yes. And so far it's working. On both men, and Hol. We do have about 6 inches of snow that means we are STUCK with each other, and therefore HAVE to get along. I made brownies & dinner for Hol's birthday (a day late, since she finally went out on a "date" with him for her birthday)... and it seems I was the only one eating; she did eat some of it and highly approved; did her happy dance.

Due to the explanation about Buck's duty status; the news has made me feel the full impact of what military wives have to deal with. The gov can change their mind at any moment, you know, and send him overseas due to a lack of trained experienced divers. Even at his age. That has a LOW probability of happening for real. I use probability to counter my "worst-case scenario" fears, and it's helpful for me.

But he's not yet well enough to even do training - neither one of those situations is warm & fuzzy for me - but he's easing my anxiety better than one would think, not actually being here. He's just had his pic line - where he administers the IV antibiotics, clog up and had to get that cleared; he was supposed to have sutures removed but the hospital had no one working qualified to do so that day (?????? WTF??? It's a HOSPITAL.) He took out the ones he could reach and his D got the ones on his back. And now his last medical device has been set improperly; too high overall, and not directed across his lower back, along with his legs. (That would be the nerve stimulator).

But otherwise, he's bouncing back and adjusting to the high dose antibiotics pretty well. He's been out walking trails, with and without carrying weight. Keeps him from going stir crazy.

[lighter]

I'm not following about the last medical device... the stimulator.   I thought all infection had to be cleared up before anything went back in? 

And.... he's out walking trails!  That's fantastic. 

I have a question.... if and when B goes back into the service are you planning to go with him,  at least some of the time?  Or not?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad Buck's able to get out walking, Skep, that is something at least, and I hope they can get all of this other stuff sorted soon (not him going away, I mean him getting better and hopefully someone seeing some sense and making sure he doesn't get sent away!  I am really shaking my head here).  I hope you and he get to spend some good quality time together soon xx

[sKePTiKal]

SIGH...

OK. Stimulator wasn't removed in the last surgery - just the pain pump and catheter to the spine. I'm less familiar with it too. There are 20 leads - wires - to paddles to send a very low voltage electrical charge to various muscles and nerves. Sort of an "artificial intelligence nervous system".

HOWEVER. (Lots of sighing)
The surgeon who did the last removal cut right through most of those 20 leads. As of the scan yesterday, only 4 out of 20 are functional. This explains the excessive low back pain he's had.

You know what the acronym SNAFU stands for and that it came from the military in WWII? Here we go...

The VA caseworker who approves payment for medical care denied his next round of antibiotic for the infection. Said he'd been on it 2 weeks already and she made a MEDICAL decision that he shouldn't continue the course - or he'd become resistant. NEVER read the doctor's orders for a 6 week course of the antibiotic BECAUSE it's already resistant.

His last blood count showed some reduction in white blood cells (infection) but not ENOUGH yet for the surgeon to take the chance of replacing the stimulator leads. At least this AB is proving effective. So far, there are no signs of infection around the stimulator. Because of the medical necessity of CONTINUOUS antibiotic treatment to kick the infection's butt B had 24 hrs to resolve this payment issue and get delivery of the next batch of AB this morning. He was calling DC - his senator and DoD - to get this all straightened out late afternoon yesterday. He actually did speak with the Senator and sent some paperwork to him. No idea what he may be able to do.

He had to inform DoD that he wouldn't be able to meet their deadline for activating him for training duty if the VA and the hospital didn't get their act together. Because he wouldn't be healthy enough to perform under the conditions required for the training. OH, and the VA caseworker also made a decision that they wouldn't approve the anasthetic for surgery for the leads because he'd already been under the influence of morphine too much in the last 2 months (because of the surgeries). So he'll only get a local anasthetic and have to bear up under the rest of the pain. Nice, huh?

FORTUNATELY, he has a very good T, who is the one prescribing what he can to help B with the pain management. That T now has all the documentation of the back & forth rigamarole and frustration that B has put up with. Because when B gets "assertive" he tends to scare the crap out of people who don't handle other people's anger very well and have no compassion because patients are just a presentation of symptoms or disease to them (so they can work day to day).

Then he discovered that there are data entry errors in his service record online. So very very little information that is supposed to be there, is there. Basically, name rank & serial number - and that number is off by one digit. COULD BE just a clerical error, typos do happen. But I do wonder about that and run various other explanations through my brain. It's also possible that this is why they keep denying payment for the care he needs.

All the man wants is to get healthy again and not have to deal with those docs/hospital AGAIN. He will agree to do the training - IF the Navy then lets him retire. Fully processed out. All legal, cut & dried, DONE. Then he can go on different insurance and choose his own docs. 26 years in the military; I think that's the least they could do.

It's normal for a person to get as upset at this kind of cluster**** as he does. The fact that he's still putting up with it and trying to fight his way through it demonstrates a lot more patience than I would have. He is attempting to get well to fulfill this last obligation but the "system" keeps trying to deny him that at the same time. The gov't might say some words thanking him for his service... but the way they've treated him, IMO, speaks more loudly to the fact of what they really believe about their "military assets".

I'm having to fight some "support fatigue" through all this. It's hard to find new ways to say, I'm sorry, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, it's not your fault.... I've been doing this for years now but with better information than I had previously in the last 6 months or so. The total exhaustion in his voice is heartrending. But I have been able to find ways to make him laugh. That helps. My sense of humor is appropriately sick & twisted enough for a soldier. Go figure.

[sKePTiKal]

Update: someone jiggled something enough in the system, that the AB was dropped off this morning. So moving in the right direction again. Getting the infection cleared up - enough for surgery and so it doesn't come back - would be such a big difference for him.

He likes the few "good days" he's had and would like some more. I concur.

[Hopalong]

Yegods, what Buck has been going through...and vicariously, you too. I am so sorry. It's unfathomable. Any chance he would fare better at Walter Reed? May not be an option, I realize. They want their last piece of training from him but don't seem to care whether they excise the last piece of peace from him in order to get it. If I were a wounded soldier in such pain, poorly treated for so long...I'd begin to question my service. Damn.

About John. A boundary thing pops up in my mind as I imagine you deep in H-relationship analysis with him, a peer/friend of HERS. As with House Guest, before, I keep getting this feeling of you finding understanding and connection mostly from your child's peers, and though I understand why (you're on a mountain! tons of projects underway! they're the people who are there!) it tweaks some discomfort. It breaks down a natural generational boundary that is a protective one, imo.

Dunno why, but there it is. I guess it's because you are the older, life-wise adult in the building. Yet most of your 3D confidants are young, male, friends of Hols. The convos seem to be extremely psychologically intimate and analytical. In my head, it goes to enmeshment (encouraging that kind of intimate sharing with her peers) in a vicarious way. When it's with Hol, you and she get frontal, and you wind up emotionally abused by her, via the microscopic quasi-therapeutic joint analyses. When it's too much or too hard, there are her proxies right on site, and the analyses continue.

What I wish for you persistently is for you to find age-and-life peers of your own, in 3-D, somewhere nearby. And friendships that DON'T require so much intensive probing of toxic depths to enjoy them in good form. Trusting females your own age, building respect for them even if they're not as intellectual or confidently analytical as you are, circles around and builds your trust and confidence in yourself, in my experience. But that's me, here in my town, in very different circumstances.

Buck is your peer. But at this point Buck is still a LDR, long-distance relationship--and a lover, which is different though he also offers friendship. You also deserve support and the friendship of other whole adults of a similar age, at least within a decade. There's a qualitative difference, imo.

(And it's entirely obvious to me that I'm seizing on this worry because the micro-analysis has begun in my own relationship, and I need to warn MYSELF, as CB suggested, that a relationship that takes this much pro-active OR reactive verbal analysis may not be a healthy one. That one day I might look back and see how much the rescue-analyse habit cost or changed me.)

Projectionally and affectionately,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, I wholeheartedly agree with you Hops. I've had to - a couple times - walk into a conversation and announce that I'm just DONE with all the analysis and won't engage in it. Glad to talk about anything else anyone wants to talk about... or even human experience in GENERAL. Just none of the personal jousting.

My local friend has had her hands full caring for her mom, job location moving and full hormone workout to find out why her menopause is so debilitating. I haven't had space for another guest and just don't drive over the mountain much this time of year. The early dark makes me very sleepy at 6:30 pm. She still sees another friend from work that I've gotten along with. So we can do some things in the spring again.

The generational thing makes a lot of sense to me. I have at times pointed out that I'm at a completely different place in my life and then defend the "intentionality" of it... because apparently I'm not capable of knowing if I chose something or just let it happen and am now stuck. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. The projection levels are sad & funny at the same time. But I very seldom turn the tables and make it her turn. Why?

Because where else did she learn to confuse analysis with judgement? From people doing that to her. She is smart and self-aware. I can wait for her to see it... because this crap doesn't get under my skin as much as it used to. Somehow, gradually, in the background... I upgraded my strength of self to where I can endure this without TOO MUCH questioning my own sanity. And I refuse to engage in the power struggle version of "analysis"... where someone is "right" about the other person to the point that they're defined and can be nothing else. Bullshit.

I do have limits; and removing myself from the conversation/situation states my point about full-time naval gazing as well as words. When I am able to get through to her, I almost need a long-pondered, edited full statement... and be ready to deliver that to her - out of context to the rest of the blathering - and prepared to cut off any interruption or over-talking coming from her. As much as she is concerned about how she hasn't been "heard" - I'm never allowed to finish a thought or sentence before she's arguing her point, telling me I'm wrong, etc.

Yeah, I kinda recognize this description. At her age, I think I went through kinda the same thing. And therapy most definitely HELPED me get to the point I could help myself. She isn't ready to admit she needs help yet. But when the breakdown happens... Mom and her friends will be here to help her figure out next steps on her own. No one, including me, has TOLD her what to do since before she was 18.

Some of this is externalizing what she's experienced in past relationships; some of it is fears about the current one and the miscarriages; some of it is over-responsibility on HER PART - and being faced with the consequences of her own actions/decisions. She is probably stronger than I am, in that her "self" was innate and not something acquired through work. But she's also stuffed a lot of crazy ideas in her head; beliefs; and things that my place can give her the time to unpack, sort, purge and save a few things. It's good for her to do that while life isn't moving at her normal speed. That doesn't happen until late Feb; a new production is starting and she needs to be local to work.

And there are many many ways that Buck is who I retreat to for adult conversation and understanding. (Hol is 42; how is that not adult?? Generational things notwithstanding.) As much as I'm involved in what his experiences are... he is involved in mine. And I'm impressed. He knows how to listen; be supportive; and while he of course has his Mr. Fixit side... knows it's not up to him to fixit. He's really good at diffusing my anger & frustration.

So, one of the things that Hol has suggested actually makes sense. This place needs some purpose and direction; organization; there is a vacumn in the leadership role. We've all just been "being" out here. And there is only one person to whom that falls - the one who started all this, with a warm & fuzzy vague idea of something. And with time for Buck to join my flying circus getting closer, it's time for me to step into that role and start herding the cats into some kind of peaceful "order". Perhaps even overdue.

So, I'm working on something. To express & communicate what I see can happen; what I WANT to happen; what I DON'T WANT etc. The latest iteration of Mom's Rules, I guess. There are planned several moving parts to the farm; with different people interested in them and coordination, management & direction is one of my skills. It's important here now.

[lighter]

I'm not sure what you mean by leadership, Amber.

YOu set out to find yourself, discover your passions and build a new life on the farm.

From here... maybe it's a matter of figuring out boundaries, putting them in place, and eforcing them rather than installing yourself as leader.

You raised your children.  You're embarking on a new phase in your life.  I just can't wrap my mind around taking on a leadership role on your farm over adults who should be able to lead themselves. 

Perhaps it'll make more sense when I understand more about it.



Lighter