Update on my husband Bill

[Bettyanne]

Hi Friends....
Life sure has gotten harder lately......
My husband Bill had a chemo treatment we were told low dose......well if you think one treatment of low dose would do?
a few hours after this low dose..(what a joke)
he didn't know who he was......
He got to the hospital by ambulance
Didn't know who he was!!!!!!!!!
took a heart attack
was being feed through his nose
His arms tied down....
OMG
Mind you this was one low dose treatment
excuse me this is bullsh**....sorry just have to let off some steam
He was in ICU for 16 days.....he couldn't walk without a walker afterwords
Doctor explained you just don't know how people will react to treatment??
really after two years of chemo.....
Well I guess there is nothing more they can do for him now...
He is feeling better because he is off chemo
Only God knows at this point ......
I just feel so so bad for what happened to my sweet loving husband who has always been here for me....
supported me through so many years of abuse by my mother....that never ended.  She was 100 at death
now dead 7 years.....the first years of my life to have peace.  I heard the other day from a woman she worked with in a real estate office my NM was the secretary until she died.  This woman told me she told all the women in the office how awful or bad I was she told the Boss man to the point he hated my guts.....That really gets to me when she basically did nothing for me.  But she did go to church/mass all the time so being sarcastic here that made her a SAINT.....good luck where you are now..... so called mother.
My T told me that she gave birth to me and that's where it ended.

Thanks dear friends....
Love, Bettyanne

[lighter]

Bettyanne:

I'm sending you strength, courage and permission to focus on yourself and Bill.  Your mother is gone 7 years now.  She can't say or do anything to you anymore. 

Spend your time with Bill.... no regrets.  Give nothing to your mother you don't mind giving.

(((Bettyanne and family)))

Bill shielded you as best he could. He wouldn't want your mother haunting any more of your days. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I'm so sorry that Bill is having such a hard time, BettyAnne, and you as well.  Sometimes I think doctors overstep the mark with treatment and should be more open about the negative possibilities and give people the option to chose.  I'm sorry this last bout has made him so unwell and put you through so much.

My mum is exactly the same as yours; she has turned many people against me and convinced them I'm evil and have done heinous things.  I think it's quite a common N trait - they portray themselves as victims, maybe to cover up the way they behave?  I don't know.  But it is hard when you find out people who don't even know you dislike you because of what they've been told about you.  The only thing I can say is that other people's opinions don't matter.  You know the truth, and so do the people you chose to have in your life.  People do find it hard to believe that someone who can be so nice at work can be so awful at home.  My own mum did exactly the same thing - two different personalities, a public one and a private one.  It's hard to cope with.  But the people who know you love you and know how you really are.  The other people might discover the truth in years to come, but if they don't, it doesn't matter.  They're not important in your life.

I hope Bill is at least more comfortable now.  Do let us know how you're both getting on.  I think of you a lot. xx xx

[Bettyanne]

Thank you Lighter and Two a Penny,
We went to see Endocronologist today I wasn't very impressed at all.  I said I was so upset that the last chemo treatment did this to Bill.  He says well it could be just Bill's his age....give me a break now...I wasn't born yesterday.  As I said before the above what took place....destroyed his thyroid as well.....well nothing I can do.....I am going to call a lawyer tomorrow to see what they say?? it can't hurt even if they say nothing.....
As my therapist said my NM gave me nothing......no family really and one of the reason I had six kids....six great kids really.  The 3 sons live nearby and two of them are great helping all the time.....
Thank you for your concern and support it means a lot to me.....and makes me feel like having sisters here....so grateful for that....
I do want to say because my NM was the main person in my life she did a lot of damage.....such a control freak and I know all the other stuff that goes along with it......since she lived up to 7 years ago.....I am realizing all the crap I should have said get lost lady or get myself out of this woman life ......she never stopped right to the very end....My therapist said when you have been abuse from birth its very hard to separate from......when they try to remove kids they want to go right back..so I will be trying to get past it.....
The abuse was really bad......let me say this one.....she opened all my Wedding presents and wrote on every envelope what they gave and she made a pile of cash and checks....my T said in 30 years of being a T she never had this one....
Thank you both again.....Love, Bettyanne

[lighter]

So sorry, Bettyanne.  For everything your mother did to you, for what she didn't do for you.  You deserved a good mother and it sucks yours couldn't be that.

I hope the attorney business helps you feel empowered and less at the mercy of. 

::sending healing light, strength and courage::.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Bettyanne,

I'm so sorry for Bill's suffering from cancer and yours from memories that won't let go.

I like to focus on those six great kids you mention, how they love and support you.

My hope is that once you get through this painful trial, you'll find happiness again with them and with people who help you notice the present and release the past.

I know Nparents stay in our psyches but we can definitely force them to take up less of our vital thoughts.

Thinking of you, and Bill and all you love.

Hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

I just want to share a bit about my NM......
I always knew she didn't feel good to me.....
I felt her work and anything she did was more important than me....
Our home was very different then most at the time
Her mother who was from Ireland had little to no education could not write or read...
that doesn't make her bad.....but her screaming and yelling all the time did...
She was also left to the care of my Cerebral Palsy brother who could not walk, talk or feed himself..
I think now as I write this how insane that was....a woman in her late 60's left with him?? he died a month before my grandmother, he was 24 and grandmother died at 87. My dad died around same time as these two at age 51 how said was that. All died in 1964.
He, my brother sat most of the day in a small chair with underwear on a rubber sheet and a towel I think you can figure out why!!!

My NM was always on her way to work or wanting to get out of the house....
My therapist said this week in therapy my NM wanted nothing for me.....
It has taken me this long to put all the pieces together because NM was always in control....
of all members in  household....my dad, her mother although they were always fighting, my brother that has
no choice and myself that had no choice either....
I asked what my therapist thought of this situation, after diagnosis of traits of Narcissi ways, and Borderline disorder
Putting those aside here ....as a kid or adult not until late in my life to find this diagnosis
What was I dealing with as a  kid?? and young adult etc????
She said Craziness, nothing normal nothing normal at all....
Finally I have a diagnosis that makes pure sense...
Nothing at all NORMAL......finally it all makes sense to me....
I was sent to Catholic School and last 9 years in Catholic girls school.....
It was so abusive and you had to obey ....these were not nice nuns....
Making you to feel awful about yourself....never good, very similar to my own life at home.
I always felt in dreams like I was in quick sand and being sucked up by the earth....
Yes it has taken me all these years that my life was totally craziness and I had no say in anything ever.....
Until I got married.....but ever then she NM had a hold on me I was so brain washed. 
Today I am starting to see how I raised by a control freak.....She was always going to church making herself
look like a SAINT and treated everyone at home like shit....
Her job was more important then anything in her life and worked up to 100 when she died...she fell and broke hip at work.
I realize now that I see the entire picture....I am lucky to be alive and survived all the craziness
I think it will start to relieve me....I did nothing to cause all the abuse on me.....
Pure abuse....my therapist said...and craziness
My dad was treated more like a child as well and he had no say either..and escaped things too by being so interested
in sports....So both parents escaping dealing with their son, her mother and me..what a pure mess and only NM was in control  She died 7 years ago at age 100.....never ever changed right to the end....
I have tried to be a good mom and do my best and now dealing with Bill being sick is so painful....
I know craziness is not a technical diagnosis but it sure fits for me....
I do feel better....and will start to change how I look at the above situation....
It will take a bit to let go of 69 years of abuse but I can realize I didn't cause it and I am grateful I am not like them.
Thanks, Bettyanne

Thanks for reading I am sure trying to make some sense of what happened to me.....and let it go..

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((((((((((((((Betty Anne))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think, as kids, we have to normalise what we go through just to get through it.  Abusive experiences are often mirrored in other areas, I have found - school, college, work places, marriages etc, or we abuse ourselves with drink, drugs, over-eating and so on.  Which, of course, compounds all the earlier damage and just leaves us in such a huge mess in so many ways - although often with a glimmer of normality somewhere - our own kids, or jobs, or partners - that somehow makes it through all of that.

I remember when I first started to realise and understand just what I'd been through in my younger years and just how much my mum had done - how abnormal it all was, how hard it had been to get through, how much damage it did me. I grieved, for years, for missed opportunities, nice guys I didn't date because I only went out with people who treated me badly, money I'd mis-spent trying to block it all out, decades I wasted on people who just treated me badly and didn't want to try to help me to be a better version of myself.  I ached for the little girl I was, who was shunned, ignored and mistreated - for us it was the dogs that took priority, and then the housework.  I yearned for the day that my mum would ring and say she'd realised she'd not been well and that she wanted to get better and put everything right.  I'm honestly not exaggerating when I say that I started on this journey twenty years ago and it's still hard, it still upsets me, I'm still working through it.  But - thanks to therapy, this forum, some very good people, my son, and my own strength and determination I have and am getting through it.

For you to be unpacking all of this whilst going through Bill's illness is huge, Betty Anne.  It's a monumental task and so hard to get through, however supportive other people might be.  I'm glad you've got your T, and your kids around you, and this time to spend with Bill.  Keep posting on here whenever it helps, because you know everyone here has been through similar and will understand.  It's a very tough time but it will take a big weight of your shoulders eventually.  And Betty Anne, please keep reminding yourself that despite everything you've been through and despite the way your mother treated you, you are a kind, compassionate, warm hearted human being.  You didn't let what she did make you hateful or hurtful to others.  You're dealing with life better than she ever did and that's something amazing about you, so don't let yourself forget that xx

[lighter]

If I could, I'd help you change those terrible memories of abuse in your life. 

I'd help you step into those moments and BE the adult in charge.

Taking your mother by the hand, your father, your grandmother and especially brother to give them what they needed, but couldn't create, give or receive.

I'd help you heal enough to process those memories so your brain could experience your best and highest outcome for all.... then file it in historic files where it can rest out of your present moments.

And that's a heartbreak when I read your posts, which I appreciate in a deep and profound way... thank you for sharing, bc these things need to come out, feel the sunshine and witnessed completely.  We're here as compassionate witnesses for you.  With you.

You deserve freedom from the past living so fully and completely in your present moments.  Like it's hovering in front of you, real and touchable.  That's something you can't just switch off and I apologize for suggesting you could. 

It breaks my heart and I wish I could heal you, help your brain process these terrible moments, turn them into your highest wish for what they'd been, then file them away forever, calm and safe and healed for yourself and entire family.

I invite you to check out EMDR basics, how it works and simple ways to utilize it when you have moments of calm or upset, but moments where you want to finish the past.

I envision you sitting someplace you feel safe, sacred space created for yourself, hold your hand in front of your face about 18" out, move your hand back and forth like a clock hand ticking upside down.  Focus on the feelings in your body.   What are they? Where do they live?  Breathe..... just breathe in and out fully filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, like a vase, and pay attention to your inner world.  Find the places where the pain and tension live and give them a number from 1-10 for intensity. 

Breathe space around those areas.... picture breathing cotton or mist or whatever feels right INTO those areas of pain and tension.  Check your 1-10 number again.  Just do this over and over till you feel better.  Your intuition can lead you here... everything is right.  There is no wrong.

You are safe now.  You will be OK.  Your mother is gone and she can't harm you anymore. 

If you can find an EMDR trauma informed T it might be very helpful to you.

If you get to a point where this feels right and you find some relief.... by yourself... checking your internal feelings and sitting with them... maybe using your hand in front of your face, back and forth, I invite you to revisit the stories you shared.  Feeling into them, identifying the feelings, breathing into them and filling them with spaciousness.

I invite you to rewrite those stories, anyway you needed them to turn out and be...... maybe you're the adult, coming into the situation and guiding everyone, caring, making sure everyone is OK.  Teaching.  Whatever you needed it to be..... SEE that.  Is there someone you wish had saved you?  Maybe even a superhero?  Whatever you needed to happen, SEE it.  Breathe.... and breathing is something we practice.  We never get it perfect.  We forget then remember and begin again.  Deep.  Fill the vase.

Your brain wants a moment to be calm, re-experience your trauma in a state of non judgmental focus  and finish processing what it couldn't all those years ago.... trauma happened to you.  You were a child and you understand you had no power. 

You have power now.  Your brain wants to finish this...your brain is good at it and tremendously efficient at it.... processing can happen in a millisecond.... it's not hard.  It's what your brain does when it's not under so much stress.  Change the stress and give your brain a chance.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel like everything is healed, everyone is OK and you can move past the sadness.

(((Bettyanne)))

Breathe.  Stop judging.  Just pay attention to what's going on inside.  Observe it and breathe spaciousness into it rather than struggle and suffer, bc you're more powerful than you can imagine.  Look at what an amazing person you've turned into after all.  Amazing.

Again, thank you for sharing your experiences. 

Lighter
 

[Bettyanne]

Dear Two a Penny and Lighter,
Thank you both for your responses......Its really good someone really cares, Thank you....Of course my husband does and he experience my NM as well.....If you really knew her she was not a kind or nice person...but a immature woman who never truly grew up...just a person who was mentally using others to satisfy her own needs which I am sure she never got because my grandmother from Ireland had nothing to give .....
both my mother and grandmother would act nice in front of who ever they needed to show how sweet they were...but the true people where not nice or kind but were going through motions of mental illness I am calling Borderline and Narcissistic traits.  I don't think my grandmother had much of a life being born in a one room thatch roof house which I saw in 1964 as a barn.  My grandmother was born in 1877....Carrickmacross, County Monahan, Ireland......

I will share here what I heard recently from a co-worker in the office my NM worked in, my NM was the secretary who also answered the phone when someone called in.....When my NM was in her late 90's she took favored to(treating him like a close loving son) the boss so if the call was not for the boss she would be very mean to these people or she would be rude.  The person who told me this said they were losing clients because of this situation.  Also my NM had lost control of her urine and she was not smelling right and it was not a good thing in the office.  So the women got together and all went to the boss and said the above here and he would do nothing about it....I think this boss was involved in the mob ?  or something like that and my NM knew it and he would not let her go.  ???? This was NJ and very common.

If I said to my NM why don't you stop working? she would answer in a nasty voice what am I going to do .....look out the window at home watching the cars go by!!!! As you can tell she was a difficult person to deal with for me and Bill.  But she would be nice to those she needed to get away with continuing to do what she wanted....

I was born and she put me in day care from birth almost and wanted little to do with me except when it came to her showing off being a mother....what a joke that was. She sent me to first grade for two years so no kindergarten because that messed up time for my grandmother because NM was never home. 

Yes I know I am dealing with a sick husband but since NM only died 7 years ago at age 100 she never left me alone.  For close to 30 to 40 years Bill and I drove her to and from a Catholic Shrine....on weekends....stupid stupid me....I was so hooked to do this with 6 kids...omg I am so upset with myself....even  though I know I was abused from birth to do what ever she said.....and always answer yes to what she wanted.....maybe you can understand how stupid I feel about me.....I was so messed up mentally. 

I guess it helps just to say this crap....like all of you too.....being raised by unfit parents...anyone can get pregnant but not anyone can be a good parent.....I got to see some normal when I baby sat outside of my house/not home.....I saw mom's taking care of kids....loving them....fixing nice meals for their family and having a good home.....I didn't get to have a bedroom until I was 14.....I slept with my brother in middle of bed and my dad on other side...pure craziness....my mother was...she slept in sofa bed in living room.

I am grateful I got to see some normal outside of my house.......my kids had beds of their own, slept in bedrooms they shared with a brother or sister....I had 3 girls and 3 boys...I am so grateful for that....I am grateful for a normal family not always were things perfect....as Bill's family was off a bit too....but together we both worked at being good or somewhat normal parents....My kids are great...we all hugged each other and lots of kissing....and smiles and laughter...we still do when we see them.....life is not all trouble free but at least we try to make it as good as possible...my youngest girl has cystic fibrosis.....but grateful she is living a somewhat good life and she has made it to 38 and is with a great guy.....she is also a therapist....so you never know do we....so so grateful.

What is normal or what is the way to have a good life.....for sure my childhood house was so mixed up and dysfunctional ..but I have spent a lifetime....in therapy...first time....I started therapy as a 24 year old because I was asking my NM to help me and out the door she went to work....OK I got it now she was mentally way off....but I spent a month in a mental hospital best thing to happen to me really......the doctor there agreed with me and I started therapy after that....with no money but where there's a will there's a way....and for sure.....I was able to get help.....for that I am grateful.....I had no control over how long NM lived and still feel it was unfair but it took all this time to figure out and now with her dead.....I really see her for who she was.....I had no control over it....I was the kid.....my dad did nothing either... Now having daughter who is a T is great.....she does well we don't talk about my NM as my mother hooked the kids too.....but she's dead and can't do much more harm...

I do feel better after reading your posts and so grateful to you.....Thank you....I think time will help.....
Bill is doing his best went to my son's health food store yesterday and had a free help from a lady who is a health expert and has recommend a person to help with the cancer.....so we will try our best......to do that...I think we are done with Chemo which almost killed him about six weeks ago....took heart attach ...lost his memory etc....
All we can do is try....and have faith....

Thank you dear friends.....Love, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

Hi Bettyanne,
I agree with Tupp, that this is a huge lot to be going through at the same time Bill is so sick. And particularly:

as kids, we have to normalise what we go through just to get through it.

But Tupp's comment also made me think...maybe this crucible time is a gift. Your concern and grief for Bill, which come from love, are so powerful that perhaps they're also dislodging your own buried concern and grief for yourself, which are ALSO from love, for yourself. Perhaps the prospect of losing him has in some unconscious way made you fight to not also lose yourself. Makes a funny kind of sense to me. I think one morning you will wake up and your first thought won't be about Nmother's abuse. Instead, it might be: I DID get through it. So I am going to leave it behind now.

This also hit me when I read it:

My therapist said when you have been abused from birth its very hard to separate from......when they try to remove kids they want to go right back...

Perhaps that's the reason it's so hard to stop re-living all that you suffered with your Nmother and grandmother (oh what a childhood SHE must have had). Perhaps you're doing battle with your inner helpless child, trying to convince adult-Bettyanne that it's okay to leave home now. I don't think you want to go back. So every moment you carve out that is NOT recycling those memories is freedom.

I have faith in adult-Bettyanne. I truly think you're fighting to come into your own adult self, and decide for yourself that you are no longer a helpless victimized child. It's painful, to take accounting of all the ways you were treated by your mentally unwell mother. But it's also liberating, to take stock of all that while ALSO respecting yourself and valuing all you managed and learned and created in your own individual life anyway. You did really well. You and Bill did really well.

You never deserved the bad, and you deserved all the GOOD. Those six wonderful children. A wonderful marriage to a kind man. Your own mind and heart intact. Your T. Your courage.

And what strength you showed when you were young to start therapy and hang in with it. That is the sign of a person determined to heal, to have a full life and build your own sense of peace.

Bravo to you, Bettyanne.

Hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Dear Hops.....
Thank you so much for your kind words......
I guess some part of me didn't believe that my own mother didn't love me.....and although I knew it at some level she only truly put herself first.....
I guess it is the acceptance that is how sick she really was....she was a great actress and could turn it on and turn it off to her own convience.....that is why so many people didn't believe me.....ever
I can picture her sitting on her back porch with rosary beads in hand.....and yet could screw you at a seconds notice...amazing really....

Perhaps enough is enough.......
you sure are helping me to turn the lights back on and see.....
to see truly what is most important .....
I know deep down in me I always knew Love was the answer
I never saw it in her.....except when she bought me something and then she wanted to bow down to her...
I believe something happens to us when we die.....not what the church says....but what ever  it is??? will be.
I don't wish anything on her I think what ever it is suppose too will....
I will let it go at that........out of my control

But what is here right now that I can do to help Bill is what I am suppose to be doing...
or for my kids.....and myself too....
Life sure teachers lots of lessons.....
God knows I sure have had my share......

Bill and I are taking train this Thursday down to Meghan's in San Francisco.....to stay with her and Jared....
Lots of hospitals and doctors if anything happens.....
I hope not ......
Thanks again....for all your help
Sincerely, Love, Bettyanne
PS I will write again from SF.....

[Twoapenny]

I hope you all enjoy your time in SF, BetttyAnne.  I think N parents do love their kids, but their love is a kind of weird, distorted, control based thing.  It's a bit like people who beat their partners but claim they love them.  In a weird way they do, but it isn't a healthy, nurturing kind of love - it's something more destructive but to them it's normal.  It's perfectly understandable that that messes with someone's head.

I hope you are able to stop giving yourself a hard time for the things your mum did.  None of it was your fault.  You taking her out at the weekends wasn't a bad thing - it was a very kind, loving thing to do and in most families would be completely normal.  It's just a shame that in some families things are so messed up that something as simple as going out for the day is loaded with so many other things.

Enjoy your time in SF, BettyAnne, I hope you all get to have a great time together xx

[lighter]

Wow.  This thread is an amazing thing of beauty to read.

You have a wonderful trip in SF, Bettyanne.  Drop a line if you have time: )
Lighter

[Hopalong]

San Francisco!
I hope you'll do all you can in the PRESENT MOMENT with those you love,
and pull every small joy and beauty and moment of connection from this time.

A tree, a flower, a sunset, a skyline, a wonderful breeze, a smile, a small kindness
from any human being.

I wish you all of these, Bettyanne.

Please, leave her behind, let her go, dump the bad memories in the Bay. Let her rest in
peace so you can LIVE in peace. You deserve to.

Hugs
Hops