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Meh:
So a friend described to me how she often feels like the "bad guy" during conversations with her mother. She hasn't identified her mother as Narcissistic. There is definitely something off about their relationship though.
Today I had a not so great conversation with my mother and when I think about it no matter how the situation goes I always feel bad in some way. It feels like she sets up lose-lose situations. I feel bad regardless of what happens. I see how she pushes me around, she sounds shrill and louder and talks in this irritating whiny voice.
I don't like being dragged into it, I refused to get into it with her. I pointed out that she doesn't speak to her sister or her neighbors the way she talks to me. When I point this out she says nothing about it. She definitely doesn't want to hear it.
These conversations with her do give me a certain level of stress. It's nothing new. Nope definitely not new. It's just that every time I feel I need to write it out or something. There is always these need afterwards to get back to equilibrium, to really manage the anxiety of the experience. There is always this need to not be beaten down emotionally.
She is on some sort of antidepressant medication her husband can't even stand her when she hasn't taken it. She is rather nasty when she hasn't taken it but I don't think it's really an issue of depression in the common definition of it.
I don't want to psychoanalyze this. I'm just writing this in an attempt to de-stress. I feel frazzled and de-railed from whatever I was doing after speaking with her.
Tonight I guess I should call a friend just for a change of pace.
Hopalong:
Oh wow, I feel for you, G.
Especially when I read this:
--- Quote ---I see how she pushes me around, she sounds shrill and louder and talks in this irritating whiny voice.
--- End quote ---
I can't help it, but I can't overlook voice quality. It genuinely affects my capacity to take in whatever the person is trying to convey....because if they have a teakettle, blackboard fingernails, or whiny piccolo tone....
I just want to do a little homicide. It's biological for me. It's intense. It makes me tense ALL OVER.
Recently I discovered that a reasonably nice woman in my covenant group is SO much more interesting on Zoom, because her naturally awful vocal tone gets diluted somehow.
If it were a parent? Who was already unsympathetic and guilt-tripping? I'd be in Idaho.
Don't know the solution but just want to send you solidarity on this. It's weird but REAL.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
G, I understand the need to vent and get back to normal afterwards, I think it's almost like a debrief? You kind of have to connect with normal again to process everything that just happened even if it doesn't make any sense. I always had the same thing when I spoke with or met up with my mum. It was as if she couldn't be satisfied until she'd made me feel bad. She'd push and poke and prod and I'd ignore or change the subject or stay calm whilst talking - and eventually she'd hit the spot. I remember quite clearly talking to her on the phone one morning and by the afternoon I felt so bad I knew that if I described my feelings to a doctor, they'd say I was suffering from depression. But I'd been absolutely fine before speaking to my mum and for the week or so prior to that. The less frequently I spoke to her the more I could notice the effect she had on me. So I do understand where you're coming from. And yes, especially the voice! My mum used to do this thing where if I talked about anything in my like that wasn't going well she'd do this kind of sing song, "Oh no! Oh no!" over and over again - the way a child might respond to an unpleasant situation. It used to drive me nuts and the one time I told her I was explaining the situation because I was hoping she might be able to empathise or advise me she replied that no-one had ever empathised with her and I'd just have to get used to it.
I do think in a weird way that not feeling good after you speak is a good sign - it shows you're not on the same wavelength and I don't think that is a wave length you'd want to be on. But I do remember how much it used to upset me. I hope writing it down helped a bit and that you were/are able to connect with a friend on the phone as well and that you can get back to how you felt before xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---she'd do this kind of sing song, "Oh no! Oh no!" over and over again - the way a child might respond to an unpleasant situation. It used to drive me nuts and the one time I told her I was explaining the situation because I was hoping she might be able to empathise or advise me she replied that no-one had ever empathised with her and I'd just have to get used to it.
--- End quote ---
Allow me to share my primal, deep from the roots of earth, guttural, heartfelt, body-felt, brain-felt, incredibly loud, granite-cracking
UGH!
hugs,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 12, 2020, 11:14:00 AM ---
--- Quote ---she'd do this kind of sing song, "Oh no! Oh no!" over and over again - the way a child might respond to an unpleasant situation. It used to drive me nuts and the one time I told her I was explaining the situation because I was hoping she might be able to empathise or advise me she replied that no-one had ever empathised with her and I'd just have to get used to it.
--- End quote ---
Allow me to share my primal, deep from the roots of earth, guttural, heartfelt, body-felt, brain-felt, incredibly loud, granite-cracking
UGH!
hugs,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Lol, Hops, yes, I feel the same! xx
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