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Conversations
lighter:
Reading about those connections made me smile, Hops. It does sound very comforting and likely to help you through the darker months.
Those groups are very fortunate to count you as a member. I feel the same about you in this group: )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on July 15, 2020, 01:20:29 AM ---For those who felt they were somehow perpetually rejected by a narcissistic family member etc. I never fully understood the science of it. Maybe the anterior cingulate cortex is completely messed up forever.
https://www.purdue.edu/uns/html3month/2005/050727.Williams.exclusion.html
--- End quote ---
That was an interesting read, G, I think I might delve a bit deeper into that. I think that realm of cold shoulder/silent treatment often becomes conflated with no contact or with just needing space to think or calm down before addressing a problem. It's a difficult area to navigate, I think. My mum did use silence as punishment when I was little and I think it led to my incessant need to talk and keep everyone happy. I just couldn't stand it. Equally I know some would see my no contact with her as doing the same thing but it was a decision I took after a lot of trying to have a relationship with her that didn't leave my mental health in tatters. I'm interested to know more in the actual neurological side of it so I'll read up on that some more. Thanks for posting it xx
Hopalong:
Thank you, ((((Lighter))).
Back at ya.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
IME, silence, when used pinitively, is a super violent action.
It's intended to do trauma to the person they're freezing out.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 15, 2020, 06:50:17 AM ---I like this topic...feels as though connecting/conversations are really about everything, right now, with so much activity suspended.
I'm sometimes thinking of social connection these days as like preventive medicine or exercise. I don't enjoy it all the time, but sense it's an essential protection against future depression. I am making myself reach out, think of somebody who might enjoy the phone, or I'm trying to encourage myself to schedule a 30-minute Zoom. I am concerned about winter isolation so want to maximize whatever connections I have now so we might stay in contact (even Zoom) during winter, to push back against loneliness then. I figure for every less-than-thrilling chat I have now, the habit of connecting when I can might be some insurance against spinning down when the cold moves in. So I'm heading to other people's back yards too, those who have space for 8-foot visits and have said they'd enjoy it. I'll soak up the sight of friendly faces, which will matter more, ultimately, than anything we say, I figure. That's the plan, anyway.
The Zoom meeting that really makes a solid emotional difference to me is my Covenant Group. We really know each other by now pretty well, and we also rotate leading the meeting with different topics. Nothing formal, but a few "questions to ponder" the leader emails beforehand. Anybody can veer the comments in any direction they want, and we use a taking-turns structure so everyone knows they'll be really listened to at some point. It eases the mind and heart, I find.
I led a topic I called "Time Shifts" last time, and it went all over the place but people seemed to really feel good about it. The thing I notice in that group about Zoom is something I wrote up for the church newsletter that surprised me. The tech creates a new view of the participants I've found myself enjoying at a different level. When we meet ftf, we're basically across a room or side by side, and though I'd never want it to be permanent, in this weird time, Zoom also has a silver lining I can notice. Each time an individual speaks, and because they're fairly close to the camera, I find I'm savoring the expressions (or micro-expressions) on their faces close up, as I've never really been able to see before. Noticing how the look in their eyes warms or changes as they speak. Picking up on backgrounds in their homes, a painting or color or plant -- gives me a sense of another unique layer of personality. Or cat! A couple are cat people and every now and then a cat just sticks its butt in the picture or its tail drapes through the view. Funny and comforting. (My dog invariably winds up jamming her nose under my chin to be sure she gets a turn.)
"Time Shifts" became a winding commentary about quarantine feelings (kind of a suspension), age, nature/seasons, cosmic differences, the perspective of sleeping without alarm clocks, noticing, noticing. I think "noticing" was really the theme. But talking about time, even as it seems scary right now, with them was comforting. We also considered moments in our lives when time seemed to race or slow, and why. I enjoyed it. Mainly because of seeing them, and how they all keep showing up. We're going to do a caaaaarefully socially-distanced reunion, maybe, later this summer.
I have one other "group conversation" Zoom that meets twice a month, a co-ed secular discussion group that's evolving into just a social kind of time. Somebody hosts it and there's a take-turns time at the beginning where people check in with what's been going on. (Last time a painful moment was when one couple explained they lost their son 10 days ago...but it was so good they were there, shattered but warm and present.) They're all very smart, good hearted people, and I felt grateful. Both of these groups have about eight members, which seems to be a decent size for sharing for about an hour and a half or sometimes two. (I left a little early.)
Anyhoo, that's my input on Coversations at the mo'.
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
That was interesting to read, Hopsie, and particularly for me as I often feel that social interactions make me feel more lonely and isolated. I've found not doing groups, interactions, general chit chat on the bus and so on much better for my mental health. There are people I do love to chat to - on here, for instance, and a small number of friends who I enjoy the connection with - what we actually talk about isn't important. But I do find a lot of social interaction quite stressful. I think for me the connection is really important. Other than here, I don't feel I've found a group that I connect with in the same way, whether face to face or online. I love the sound of your discussion about time. Would you call that metaphysical? I don't know if it's the right word but it popped into my head. I think that's what I miss with people. A lot of people I know want often want to moan rather than talk. I think that's why I find it stressful. I'm happy to listen to someone if they need to offload but only if it's someone I really care about, I think? I just don't think I'm that interested in other people's problems unless they really mean a lot to me? Maybe that's what I need to work on when we get back to mingling again; finding people I can have conversations with that perhaps aren't about their own personal situations all the time? Mmmm. That's something to ponder. I need a T shirt that says, "DON'T TELL ME, I'M NOT INTERESTED!" lol xx
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