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My Stepdaughter the Narcissist
lighter:
Bean:
Maybe the other sd is keeping her head down and refusing to join the chaos.
It would be the adult thing to do, IMO..... tell her sister it's not her business and to please leave her out of it.
Is your husband pretty calm with the situation right now?
How are you doing?
Lighter
bean2:
hi lighter,
I was so acting the adult, and so calm. I was giving my husband advice. When this all went down, I even went and dialed up a couple's therapist. My husband was super impressed at my expertise on the subject, and has even exclaimed to our counselor several times "that's what my wife said would happen!" He considers me an Expert on Narcissim (hey I spend almost 10 years here). I went through two different types of therapy including hypnotherapy to recover from my Mom. So when my stepdaughter turned up N...
I thought "I got this."
But there's knowledge, and then there's this other thing, called deep seated patterns. We are literally programmed (at least I am) to do and mess up anything good. To regress back to the old junk. I was believing I had really been shamed. I was feeling bruised. I no longer was thinking how mean she is to her Dad, I finally (it always takes me forever) kicked it in, and thought about Myself. And, I guess I was just MAD. Like this is long after the fact, right?
So yesterday, I went into "abused child mode." Just fell off the cliff. That's when all the trauma and grief and pain I experienced in my family of origin comes washing over me. I suddenly plunge into "little girl mode," I can't think or act like an adult, and I do stupid things. The stupid thing I did, btw, was start empathizing with the N.
I also got mad, and felt justified in spamming her a few articles about Narcissicm. She did afterall try to TAKE MY HUSBAND FROM ME.
I may have also used her email address to sign her up for some "get in contact with a Therapist" type stuff. It is all sort of a blur.
I really have no excuse for doing any of this, like I said, i was doing so well....then, I regressed.
It sort of blew up and I was forced to tell my husband what I did, and he laughed and said "she's hurting, don't contact her in any way shape or form!" LOL
I am laughing about it today, but it really was a rough night. I didn't sleep at all, had SUPER high anxiety, and started fantasizing about running away. I was literally my "little hurt girl" self. There I was back in the family I grew up in thinking "I'm pretty sure the nurses switched me at birth, because my family is SO MEAN, and I can't belong to these aliens, they are SO MEAN and hurt me, and I want to run away!" (I did btw do this a lot as a child).
I read this article this morning and it helped: ".....people who described feeling humiliated said that they felt “wiped out, helpless, confused, sick in the gut, paralyzed, or filled with rage. It was as if they were made small, stabbed in the heart, or hit in the solar plexus. Usually, they felt themselves flushing and wished they could disappear.
PHEW, it feels good to get this off my chest. I feel like a normal human being, just making mistakes. Just being human....Not some expert super healed person who can never be hurt by an N again. (really who was i kidding?)
bean
lighter:
bean2:
Your childhood trauma is popping up... that's natural, don't you think?
When that happens, your biochemistry is hijacked... you literally lose access to your frontal lobe, problem-solving, logic, creative brain. You dwell in your emotional/fight or flight reptilian brain and no amount of thinking can get you out, IME.
Thinking actually makes it worse, IME. Then we're ashamed and feeling out of control and judging ourselves. Feeling better is easier when we embrace ourselves with unmittigated self compassion and curiosity, rather than judgment. That's my experience, anyway.
WHen you feel that way in the future..... consider reassuring your younger self. Let her know you have her now. You're going to do what needs to be done to care for her. And breathe.... slowly.... filling your lungs from the bottom to the top, like a vase.... push out your belly button..... breathe and focus on that to get control of your biochemistry again. WHen you're in fight or flight, your brain releases chemicals.... to fight tigers! That's not what you need right now. Nope nope nope.
Breathing slowly..... calmly.... focused completely on breath, sans judgment. Your brain will KNOW you aren't being chased by a tiger when you get control of your breathing, IME. It's a game changer, IME. You can't be chased by a tiger if you're breathing is calm. It's like sneaking underneath your fight or flight system and unhooking it. Amazing!
THEN you have access to higher thinking. Then you can think your way OUT of the the decisions you wish you didn't make. You gain the ability to pause and respond, rather than knee jerk react out of a child's fear, guilt, shame, unprocessed trauma, kwim?
I'm so happy your DH laughed when you told him you'd been contacting his dd. A sense of humor will go a long way in helping you through this chaos, IME.
If any of this doesn't make sense to you.... that's OK. If it does, I'm glad.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Hi Bean,
A small favor? If you have a link to the article that described what's below, I'd love to have it to share with a friend who's going through some feelings of humiliation, triggered by similar history.
--- Quote ---".....people who described feeling humiliated said that they felt “wiped out, helpless, confused, sick in the gut, paralyzed, or filled with rage. It was as if they were made small, stabbed in the heart, or hit in the solar plexus. Usually, they felt themselves flushing and wished they could disappear.
--- End quote ---
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very hard to hold boundaries when you're in trapped baby weasel mode. I hope you'll find a way to do impulse control when you're tempted to advise her, or advise him.
I can't imagine how difficult it would be to maintain restraint right now. But I do think it would help you contribute calm to a pretty fraught scene.
Good luck and keep posting!
Hugs
Hops
bean2:
lighter,
Thank you for reminding me to Fight for my little girl self. She is my best friend, afterall. She fought for me so many times before, what's one more slaying of a tiger? ;) LOVE LOVE LOVE that analogy
Breathing, I need to remember that. I was thinking of Running, running, and running! ever get a runner's high? kind of makes sense. How to get away. Of course, when you run, u gotta breathe right? so symbolic of healing and fight. The right kind of fight. The kind where I fight for me. Thank you lighter, your kind words are helping me so much, to remember the important stuff, and all the work I did to get here.
My husband and I are reading this book together: Wired for Love. It is actually about helping your partner heal. And that we come to the table, not quite "OK" or "whole" and that is OK, because our partner can help us with that. Kind of strange, I spent so many years fighting for my core self, sometimes at the detriment of any other relationship. I hope it works.
Today I told my husband I am posting to this site again, and he was like "what, I didn't know that." I said, yes, where else do you go when you have to talk about all this uncomfortable stuff and no one else gets it. I'm not going to strike up a conversation at a party with anyone we know about this. Most people do not get it.
He said: I think you're wrong, I think most people are hurting, it is more common than we know. perhaps
Hops,
Sorry, should have posted a link, it is https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201710/7-ways-respond-when-someone-shames-you
(((((lighter))))) ((((hops)))))))))))
bean
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